SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You saved his life. You realize that don't you? You literally saved his life.

You are in such a vulnerable state. Now, I would say he is out of imminent danger even though he is hospitalized. So can you see that it would be safe for you to leave his side so you can resume therapy? Blaming and shaming is an abusive, manipulative method of control. Have you connected well with your therapist? Was it helping you to heal?

Please keep posting. People are here all hours of the day/night.

I don’t doubt how much your heart is hurting. Adultery is such an unfair disease to put on the spouse. Now, your husband is ill. It’s a lot for you to handle.

Fear drives people to do the wrong thing. He didn’t want to to lose his wife and family. Now he has.

I don’t have an opinion on reconciliation or divorce or separation. I do see how fear can push someone to make horrible decisions—especially regarding adultery.

@ timeless loss. I can't leave him. I know logically, I didn't cause this. But I feel like I caused this. He didn't do well with the seperation. I made love to him twice and forced him to go home when he wanted to stay with me at my apartment. I'll start therapy after he's discharged home. I just can't leave him. If I hadn't left him, maybe this wouldn't have happened...and maybe it would have, I just can't leave his side right now..

Great that you have at least a wise member on our family.

Please let your children know. If you dont want to tell them ask your husband to do it. Lets see if he really learned anything at all, lets if he really understands how he only cause more pain by hiding it for 11 years, how remorseful he really is. A remorseful H would have told his kids as soon as he saw them resenting you.

While you keep it a secret you are still fueling the A monster alive.

And while there are still secrets, you cant recover regardless of you D or R.

Besides, your kids will find out sooner or later and by then they will be hurt and angry that BOTH of their parents lie to them.

[This message edited by LostWillow at 8:37 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

If I hadn't left him, maybe this wouldn't have happened

Correction, If he hadn't cheated and allowed himself to be blackmailed for over a decade while keeping it a secret from you the entire time, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

I’m sorry for all you have endured.

I think you are a very good person to stand by your H after his heart attack. You can help get him back on his feet and healthy.

But you are not required or obligated to live with him or stay married to him.

You have done the right thing by sticking by him in his time of need. I hope you know that.

Put yourself first.

Mrs A, I've nothing more to add since my last post, but I just want to give you a hug. ((((Hug))))

You are a kind hearted and GOOD person.

He doesn't want me to hurt. He says that if he'd known back then that keeping this from me would hurt me, he would not have done it. He just didn't want to lose me. Why even have the affair??? What was so wrong with us that an affair was the best option?? We had been together several years, but we hadn't been married long. He says she meant nothing. He felt flattered that she was interested in him. She knew he was married and was willing to have no strings attached sex while I was working the night shift. He says he ended it because I was becoming suspicious and she didn't approach him about the kids until they were a year old. He wants me to know that this is all on him. Says his therapist has helped him become more accountable to this. Great. I'm glad he knows and is accepting what he's done to me. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this right now. These are things we talked about while we were separated.

Mrs. A-I know there aren’t words that can adequately describe the emotional pain you have been in all these months. One of the great things about this forum is that we don’t have to find words to explain it, because we all know that pain and we can relate to others’ pain. In my case, the shared pain has helped to soothe my own pain as I work through it all.

I have learned another very important lesson about healing from infidelity. Time. It takes time, and lots of it. For both the Betrayed and the Betrayer. For my WH and me it has taken years, but the changes are still coming, and they are good. Yes, your husband completely messed up his life, and dragged you into his pain and mess, and broke apart your family with his cheating and the devastating lies for 11 years. Remorse can take a long time to figure out, especially when a betrayer doesn’t really understand what it is. He has been faced with the consequences of losing you, his family and even his life. I suspect these things have made a great impact on him, and that he is going through an introspective time. How can he not think about the course of his life when faced with the demise of his family, and his own death? Thes events may or may not ultimately cause change in him, but they might. If you want to wait and see how things go, at a safe emotional distance, you can! There is nothing that says you have to decide right now a final decision to stay or to go. You have Time. We say here, “One day at a time.” You are still relatively early on in the process. Don’t pressure yourself, or let anyone else pressure you to stay or go, especially based only on his past behavior, no matter how many years it was. I believe even the most damaged people can change, if they want to, and your husband is in a position of great personal growth, if he decides to take advantage of it. It’s really up to him. I believe you will know at some point whether it is a deal breaker for you or not, but it seems that you aren’t there yet, neither choice sits firmly with you in the long term. Don’t decide yet then. Take care of yourself, be safe, and take your Time.

The OW contacted me with laughing emogii. SaYing sorry to hear your husband had a heart attack. Lol. Who does that? I didn't respond. Then she Says she wants to bring the kids to see him. I responded as soon as they take paternity test and are proven his, they can see him whenever they like. She responds. No. Shes Not willing to do that. I offered private testing at my own expense so at leaSt he will know if they are his. She responds no initially then sends me another message saying to wire her 500 dollars and she will bring the kids for testing. I said no. She may be cunning me, but what if she will bring them?? Should I message her back and send the money. I desperately want to know if these are his kids. I'm absolutely desperate and hurting and she's laughing.

You need to stop engaging with OW. BLOCK her. If she won't do the paternity testing she has no reason to talk to you or WH. Don't reply to her, keep all of her correspondence in case you need it in the future. Have you spoken to an attorney?

Report her to the police again immediately. Didn't they tell her before to cease contact? Get a restraining order/order of protection. Block her. Tell your aunt who is your ally. Tell the hospital to bar her entry.

Don't send her money. She won't use it for paternity testing. If she actually thought they were his kids she would have had them tested by now so she can get child support from him. She knows they're not his but she'll try to get money from you guys until they're proven otherwise. I know it's hard but you need to block her in order to move forward and heal from this. My heart goes out to you.

I know I shouldn't have responded. It just hurts so bad!!! She's laughing at me!!!Everything I have is gone. My BP is rising, I've been having headaches, I'm classified as prediabetic, but I'm losing weight. I've lost my lifetime partner. I'm leaving my church. Separating from my mom and sisters. StartING a new job. I left my home. I have to do all of this and she's LAUGHING AT ME. Evwrything that made me who I am is gone..And shes laughing. Even though dhe hates me, why doesnt she have an ounce of caring towards the man she had tha affair with?? How can she poke fun at his condition??? He could have died. No use in blocking her on facebook. She uses other names and fake pages to message me. I know it's her because of what she says. I usually don't answer, but I just want to know so badly if the kids are his. I'd do anything to know for sure.

Mrs A, don't answer her and block her. If I remember correctly didn't her ex partner have the children DNA tested and change their surnames to his when the test proved him to be the father?

On this website the one thing the people responding to you have is knowledge as it relates to infidelity. Naturally there are differing opinions, but as far as understanding things like where the blame really lies, or who caused what to happen, the people here have knowledge and wisdom. Unfortunately, you are dealing with people who don't have this knowledge. Most family members and your former pastor are ignorant on this. Many from this website would probably have responded in a similar way to those around you, until they gained the knowledge and wisdom from this site. It makes a fundamental shift in how you look at the topic of how you deal with infidelity. It's also not your job to educate these people. See them as they are. They lack the knowledge. Try to keep this in mind as they say things that you now know to be "wrong".

Yes. That is what the ex partner told me. She is saying that he is lying. That he singed the birth certificate and pays her child support, but never did paternity test.

I retained a lawyer months ago, but haven't moved forward with anything yet. I've been taking a day at a time trying to heal and do what's best for me.

It seems well past time to get a restraining order against her so the next email will send her to jail.

Either she already knows those children aren't his or she doesn't know who their actual father is. If she knew for a fact that she could get a DNA test at no expense to herself, prove paternity, and squeeze a regular payment out of your husband for the better part of the next decade, don't you think she'd have jumped at that opportunity like a duck on a junebug? Look at how cold and callous her message was. There's just no way. Note that she was willing to take the cash up front though. What does that tell you?

You didn't cause your WH's heart attack. And it doesn't matter what ANYONE else thinks. What matters is what YOU think and what YOU want. Those are the only things to concern yourself with.

Block every method of contact. Change phone numbers, email accounts, etc. Make it extremely difficult for this psycho to reach into your life and needle you. If your WH is willing, change every last bit of his contact info as well. It would probably be good for his physical recovery to not have anxiety every time he opens his phone or his email. If she gets past that, report her to the police again.

And yeah, I agree with TimelessLoss about stopping any unauthorized visitors at the hospital.