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good job, Casey.

So what is your gameplan from here on out ?

Casey you ass-kicker!!!!!

Amazing job!!!!!!

There is no OBS but you now have more solid info. Certainty drives decisions. No decisions causes angst. Angst prohibits healing. You did great!!!

Sounds like he's still married but legally separated.

Geez, Casey, you're doing a heck of a job!

You outed them without putting your wife's job at risk, saw a therapist and a lawyer. What did the lawyer say about your wife moving out? How does that impact her rights to the house?

What do you need to do now before you file?

Keep with the 180 and keep your head up!

good job, Casey.

So what is your gameplan from here on out ?

For now, I am going to just focus on me. Really try to envision my life without her. Continue the 180 and maintaining NC. Keep myself busy at work and spending time with friends and family. I don't think there are many actions left for me to take concerning my wife. I still need to contact her parents to tell them the true story, which I am doing tonight, and I will cooperate with whatever the military requests of me to conduct their investigation.

My wife called tonight and I could hear in her voice how the tides have started to turn (just a little but, although I know this will take time). She said something along the lines of "I know I hurt you and I know I caused all of this, but I don't want things to get ugly and I know you are trying to cause hurt back to me. You called my best friends, and you called the OW, and I don't want any of this to affect our daughter." I just said "I understand why you might feel that way," and left it at that. She did not like my response. She hung up in a hurry when she realized I was not going to engage.

What did the lawyer say about your wife moving out? How does that impact her rights to the house?

What do you need to do now before you file?

The lawyer said our community property ceases as soon as she moves out, so as soon as she is gone I should capture all of our account balances. From that day on, we are each responsible for our own debt and assets. So I'm working on getting everything separated as much as possible by that date (next Friday), like closing joint accounts and credit cards, or moving them into only one of our names. Since my wife is moving out, I would be favored to keep the house, since courts look at maintaining the status quo. My wife doesn't want the house anyway though (at least that's what she says now), so I don't think that will be an issue. I'm thinking I will try to file on the day she moves out if I can get things ready in time. There's not much more to do, besides filling out all the forms, paying the filing fee, and having someone else serve her the papers.

Thanks again for all the encouragement.

She hung up in a hurry when she realized I was not going to engage.

Good for you. That is really tough to do, but it gets easier with time. If she brings up how you are trying to hurt her again, remind her that everything in not about her. You have a right to protect yourself and your reputation.

Just wondering who has his kids while he is deployed? The ex (separated) wife? Wonder how she feels taking her kid to the classroom of the woman sleeping with her ex?

Not sure it matters. Just a thought that popped into my head.

and I don't want any of this to affect our daughter.

This is a manipulation tactic, she is using your DD to try and get you to play nice. If she did not want to cause pain to her daughter then should should not have had A. This means she is on the defensive now and you are taking control of the situation.

It pisses me off that she is so concerned about her daughter now, did she not have a clue what her A would do to the kids.... pfft.

Casy - You are doing an Amazing job of getting yourself out of infidelity.

"I know I hurt you and I know I caused all of this, but I don't want things to get ugly and I know you are trying to cause hurt back to me. You called my best friends, and you called the OW, and I don't want any of this to affect our daughter." I just said "I understand why you might feel that way," and left it at that. She did not like my response. She hung up in a hurry when she realized I was not going to engage.

You handled this perfectly. So many sassy replies come to mind...that contain vows, Married Men, Affairs, lies,...the fact that her affair has a much larger impact on DD than you telling the truth to her friends... but you chose the best reply. Ending the conversation in it's tracks quickly and efficiently. So, so impressed with this.

So glad you contacted the OBS or what appears to be his last Affair Partner. Very interesting that your WW already knows that you spoke to her. It means that OM is still in contact with his Ex in some manner and that her (his ex) finding out why they broke-up upset him. Gota wonder if his ex was doing a bit of a pick-me dance helping with bills, kids and such. In any case it's clear he didn't want her to know, and is upset that she knows about the affair (his plan B perhaps?).

Man, you've got to feel sorry for the EX. Took care of his 3 kids for two years, knowing he is married so she is not getting his benefits. Financially supporting him and the kids, only to be dumped two years later with all the bills. One good thing is that she will probably tell you if he starts contacting her again. You've opened that line of communication.

Don’t throw this info onto your wife. Don’t try to get her back based on how faulty OM is. But definitely base your financial decisions on the likely fact that any money she gets might end up supporting OM.

It's tempting but don't tell your WW what you know about this guy. She won't listen, she will blame the Exgf or claim your just angry. Nothing will seep into her brain and it will only cause more tension. The people I'm worried about as far as the money goes is her parents. You don't want them giving her large sums of money thinking its going to their daughter and DD when in fact it's going to OM.

You've got a great game plan of keeping to the 180 and moving forward with the divorce. Focus on you and DD and start documenting how much time you spend with her as apposed to your WW. Once the 10 day living together is over her visitation with DD should be at her apt. Love the fact that you are taking care of separating everything now.

Your doing great even if it doesn't feel that way.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:19 AM, December 1st (Friday)]

My wife called tonight and I could hear in her voice how the tides have started to turn (just a little but, although I know this will take time). She said something along the lines of "I know I hurt you and I know I caused all of this, but I don't want things to get ugly and I know you are trying to cause hurt back to me. You called my best friends, and you called the OW, and I don't want any of this to affect our daughter." I just said "I understand why you might feel that way," and left it at that. She did not like my response. She hung up in a hurry when she realized I was not going to engage.

She's worried about herself, and no-one else. She doesn't want consequences, and they are starting to happen. How would calling her friends or the OBS affect your daughter, any more than your daughter has already been affected? That's just a cheap shot by your WW.

As another posted commented, she knew about your call to the OBS mighty quickly, didn't she?

I have to echo what others have said about how well you have handled all of this. Protect yourself, protect your daughter, and let your WW and the OM have the disaster they have created between them. You and your daughter are meant for better things, and I am confident that you will find them.

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:09 AM, December 1st (Friday)]

For now, I am going to just focus on me. Really try to envision my life without her. Continue the 180 and maintaining NC. Keep myself busy at work and spending time with friends and family.

Standing ovation Casey, standing ovation.

This is a small thing, but I've noticed you call his girlfriend "the OW" several times. And your wife also calls her the OW.

She isn't the ow. She is the OBS..other betrayed spouse. Well,ex OBS, I suppose.

Your wife is the OW in the other man's relationship.

You're doing great.

It's amazing how a WS will focus only on themselves and not see the big picture. She acknowledge that this is her fault and that she caused all of this but then basically tries to you your daughter to make you stop. Cold. She made it ugly because of how she treated you. You also know that she is still in contact with the AP. He told her that the XOBS was told. I wonder if he told her that the military was told as well or if he even knows yet.

How does your WW know you talked to the OM ex-girlfriend?

There is some communication going on…

Casey – the absolute best thing you can do right now is detach but do so in a realistic way. Separate the finances, get the documentation in place that needs to be signed. Be amicable and polite, but distant in all communications with her.

Make it clear to her that you want to get this over with so you can start healing, and that a key factor for your healing is that you start living with as little interaction between you two as possible.

The people I'm worried about as far as the money goes is her parents. You don't want them giving her large sums of money thinking its going to their daughter and DD when in fact it's going to OM.

Freeme makes a very important point here. The AP is clearly a con artist. Although you should refrain from trying to expose him to your WW (it'll actually push her to ally with him more) it is worth exposing him to her parents. They are you daughter's grandparents. So frame the discussion that way, that your are concerned for them because they are her grandparents and your not exposing for the sake of your WW, but for them and their grand daughter. It would be a HUGE help if the OBGF that you talked to could also talk to them, to describe how their relationship started, progressed, declined, then suddenly ended. It will give them a relationship roadmap that will already be aware of and see with their own eyes as the AP runs the same play on your WW. If you can talk to the OBGF again, tell her that you are glad you helped her get her closure would she consider helping the APs next victim from getting taken? Would she consider helping you, your daughter, your in-laws from being conned by this AP? Would she consider just one time a phone conference or even meeting in person with your in-laws, your WW's best friends (because predators like this AP do prey through their friends as well) and telling her story? If not either, would she agree to have you record her story to you so that you can play for your in-laws? It can be a one time thing she can contribute, then she will have done her part and you will take care of the rest.

As others pointed out how you are handling communications with your WW at this point is the best way. Let her own family and friends try and talk sense into her while you act to get yourself AND your daughter out of infidelity. Then it isn't about two men trying to "win" her heart anymore. It's about her trying to constantly gain support, justify and rationalize to everyone that she can just how the AP is so a wonderful human being when they all already know the truth and that will respond to her with the truth.

[This message edited by Jduff at 10:26 AM, December 1st (Friday)]

When does this 10 month deployment start? It seems to me that right now your WW is trying to spend as much time as she can with the AP until this deployment. Once he is out of the country I would expect her treatment of you to change drastically. All of what she has done and how alone she is going to be is not clear to her right now but it will be soon. I would try to move as quickly as possible to get as much as I could agreed to and signed while she is in this mood.

She said something along the lines of "I know I hurt you and I know I caused all of this, but I don't want things to get ugly and I know you are trying to cause hurt back to me. You called my best friends, and you called the OW, and I don't want any of this to affect our daughter."

At first I took this as a selfish WW saying... outing my Affair will eventually hurt DD. Didn't make sense because DD is only 2.. she's not going to hear/interpret the gossip about her mom.

Another interpretation could be as a veiled threat.

I know you are trying to cause hurt back to me. ...... I don't want any of this to affect our daughter

If you continue to try to hurt me (tell people about the affair example: OM Job) I will have to hurt you (air your dirty laundry) or go for everything in the divorce and that will end up hurting DD.

You were on the phone, what do you think she meant? If it meant she is going to hire a shark lawyer you should let her folks know the details about the affair and OM as they would be the ones financing it. I'm also going to push the VAR again - if she put a fake RO on you, the table would turn so quickly.

how did the phone call to WW's parents go, Casey ?

Is your lawyer in CA or from another state?

A couple things that you said do not add up IMO. First, the part about if she loses her job it will affect support. Since the marriage was less than 10 years, and your STBXW has been gainfully employed for X amount of years there is no reason she cannot get another job and not rely on you for alimony.

Doubtful anything other than CS (if you have kids) would be ordered. My XW tried and the arbitrator said "Nope, you are able to make your own $$$.

Secondly I am not a lawyer but are you sure moving out of the home automatically surrenders community property?So you may want to double check that, before cleaning out bank accounts (only take half) or doing anything with the house. I doubt it is that easy.

You both will be responsible for your own expenses after the move out, filing or separation date. I don't know which.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 4:51 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

how did the phone call to WW's parents go, Casey ?

I got sidetracked last night, so haven't got around to that yet, but definitely on the to-do list for tonight. Last night was my night with our daughter, but now my WW has her for the weekend.

I have learned from several sources that she is passing some bullshit story around to everyone that we had an unhappy marriage, that she was miserable, and that she knew a long time ago that we were not going to work out. She is trying to cover her ass to make people "understand" why she is doing what she is doing. Who knows exactly what details she is using to support this story... that I was abusive? We never had sex? I don't know, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past her. It's just nothing but lie after lie after lie. I am getting the VAR today after work, and using it to record all our interactions moving forward.

But I am maintaining the 180, and NC. I am also exposing as much as possible, to protect my reputation. I may even forward around an email she sent me the morning she left on the trip (last Tuesday), where she said, and I quote "I'm so sorry I have been trying to self-sabotage our perfection. You are my life. You are my everything. It will always be us. You and I. Forever. You never have to worry again. I love you forever." And she attached a bunch of romantic pictures of us from our travels and out wedding. Then left on the plane later that day. How sick is that! When people see that they will know she is full of lies.

Oh and by the way, she called me this morning and said we might both want to think about getting attorneys. I told her I don't think that's necessary--an attorney will not be able to protect your job and we can handle dividing assets on our own, but if you want to consult an attorney, go ahead.