A lot of human behavior is predictable, especially in confrontational situations. As things progress she will become more and more argumentative. You too will tend to be more confrontational. It will probably go where being right is not as important as winning an argument. Things will be brought up and things will be said simply to cause pain. Accusations made and irrelevant events from the past displayed in a new light.
One of the reasons people do this is justification. Unless your wife is a true sociopath then she KNOWS that having an affair is not the correct way to end a marriage she claims is dead. She KNOWS she should have done it differently. She justifies her actions by finding things in you and your marriage that she can hang her justifications on.
The (illogical) line of thought she will have is something like this: “LD didn’t support me during DS illness. I needed someone to support me and LD failed. OM supported me as a friend. When we realized we had feelings for each other then it was too late. OM and I seem inevitable and LD hasn’t used his chance to change that. When I tried to go back to the marriage he made crazy demands like I don’t talk to OM as a FRIEND. Therefore, LD is unreasonable and therefore I am justified in ending the marriage and being with OM.”
This will probably turn into “Heck. It’s not even about OM. Our marriage was dead from the day last March when LD didn’t pick up the laundry (or whatever lame excuse she can find). I only started seeing OM once I knew the marriage was dead”
Her reasoning will change over time simply because it’s justification, not truth. It’s her way to explain to herself, family and friends why she “had” to get out of the marriage.
To feed the illogical thought and to give her justification she needs fuel.
That fuel is gathered through arguments and confrontations with you that confirm her view on you being unreasonable, draconian, a bore or whatever negative image she has of you. Therefore, she will become more argumentative and aggressive.
If you aren’t aware of it then you too will become more argumentative and aggressive. The significant difference though is that you don’t need to have your justification validated or changed. Your justification for why you and your wife are (probably) divorcing is clear: She had and is having an affair and you refuse to share.
Therefore, IMHO the very best thing you can do is to avoid arguments. Don’t feed her justification.
This is not the same as avoiding confrontation. In fact, you should be extremely prepared to deal with all confrontations, but don’t ARGUE. A confrontation is where you need to address issues that need to be dealt with. You enter with a goal and negotiate to where you can accept being. An argument is simply mutual verbal abuse. Keep focused and on track.
To me the path ahead is very clear. No matter if you wanted to reconcile then your wife is not willing to end the affair. She’s not willing to commit to reconciliation. Any wish or want you might have to reconcile isn’t relevant. Your only option right now IMHO is to take the only path left out of infidelity and that is the termination of your marriage. What you control is (a) how it’s done and (b) the speed and momentum.
Note – this is NOT the same as saying divorce is what you WANT. What you should WANT is out of infidelity. But if I refer to my burning-house comparison: You don’t want a fire in your living-room, but if it’s there you deal with it based on what can be done. IF your wife has a change-of-heart then AT THAT TIME you could reconsider what you want and how to get it.
I have an attorney friend and he told me that generally he can early-on in the divorce-process guestimate the final settlement. Two experienced attorneys could take a typical household and negotiate a division of assets and even a sensible custody and support schedule in 1-3 sessions. The problems arise when the couple argue over things that really aren’t important or realistically won’t happen… Basically he told me that 50-80% of the cost and time is for a 5-10% variance from the estimate.
With that in mind and the emotional stress divorce imposes I’m going to suggest YOU avoid ALL divorce-talk and negotiations with your wife, UNLESS in the presence of your attorney. If you don’t then she will use the meaningless negotiations at home as justification for her actions. She can tell you she wants the new jeep and that you take the old Honda, and you could argue the opposite with her all day long, but your attorney will simply file the request in the correct excel-cell and ensure you get your share.
So, if she starts talking to you about why the marriage is where it is then don’t argue. Don’t participate:
“I want a divorce because you didn’t support me”
“I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on the marriage then this is something we would bring up in MC, but since we are divorcing then there really isn’t any need to go down that path”
“OM was there for me”
“I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on the marriage then this is something we would bring up in MC, but since we are divorcing then there really isn’t any need to go down that path”
“You never floss”
“I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on the marriage then this is something we would bring up in MC, but since we are divorcing then there really isn’t any need to go down that path”
If she starts talking divorce-details:
“I want the Ford and the house and the boat and the furniture and the….”
“I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to ensure I am reasonable both regarding my rights and my obligations in divorce. I have asked my attorney Mr. I. Eat. Sharks to front and deal with all aspects of the divorce. Please contact him or have your attorney talk to him with your demands.”
In all cases you don’t respond to her comments. You move on with life as if you were content and happy that at least you have a course. It’s maybe not what you wanted or had planned with this marriage, but it beats being in infidelity.
Finally (in this long-winded post): Don’t hide the affair or the reason you are divorcing. Don’t expect people to take sides or think you will “win” divorce, but don’t hide the real reason you two are divorcing. She will be telling people that you grew apart and whatever… but YOU respond along the lines of
“We are getting divorced because she is having an affair with OM. Like all marriages we had our issues, but I was never given a chance to address any of those issues. She decided to have an affair with OM and that affair is ongoing. While she is in infidelity there is no way we can be married. I refuse to share”.
Stick to a firm, honest and determined course. If she wakes to reality you can reconsider, but while the affair is ongoing your only safe course is to press the divorce issue IMHO. Just remember that 5-10 years from now you want to be able to look back and think you handled yourself with pride and dignity.
