SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're right

I've done a lot of this to myself. I'm done. Called the lawyer this morning.

Good morning all,

I'm struggling this morning. Feeling really weak and emotional. My rational self knows what I'm doing is the right thing but it still hurts

It's hard to live a life where the person your once cherished won't try to talk to you or even respect you. She's going to a wedding this weekend, without me and I'd put money on the AP being there....worst part is that it's overnight. I know I'm done but it still hurts and makes me nauseous to think about.

I'm gonna take the kids to my parents house. Trying to stay sane

The ultimate disrespect.

She will most likely be bedding the OM...again.

Does proof of that make any difference in the divorce where you live? If so, get the proof you need.

How soon can you file?

Unfortunately it doesn't....damn no fault states.

Called the lawyer yesterday, we had spoken months ago. Will see him Thursday and put the wheels in motion. I told her about it but I'm not sure whether she doesnt care or doesn't believe me. Either way it doesn't feel very good

Loving Dad,

Dont’t telegraph your punches. Right now her fogged up head sees you as weak. Her boyfriend is the bold man who openly dates her. That will only change when you take action.

When it comes to a divorce with a WW like yours, it is best to hit hard and fast. No more showing her your soft side. If you need to cry leave the house. If you need to vent, come here.

At first she may not care but as she sees the actions of you moving out of infidelity and preparing for a life without her. The break up of your family and what it means will hit her.

Remember that POS is just in it for the free wanton sex. He ain’t looking to leave his wife to wife up a divorcee with 2 kids.

Hey Loving Dad,

As I, like most fathers across this country spent time with our families being celebrated, I thought of you, a real Dad, standing in the gap. I know you feel like your alone but know that there are many here that are praying for you.

Also, I'm sure your kids, are taking mental notes of mommy leaving the family behind on Father's day.

I have to agree with JSmart. You need to stop telling your WW what you are doing. You may not realize it, but you are doing it hoping she will come out of the fog and come back to you. And she sees that. And she sees that as weak.

You need to go NC with your WW. Don't communicate with her. It is only hurting you.

Take care of your legal issues without discussing these things with her. If you have proof of the affair, give it to the OM's BS. Don't tell your WW. Protect yourself and your kids only. Don't worry about your WW. She is looking out for herself and she isn't worried about the family.

The OM BS already knows. It's one of those moments I won't forget. I was in the hospital for a week with my son and she reached out to me after she found out. I didn't realize the POS was married even. I was worried about a bunch of new info but I actually had more than she did.

This hurts so bad. How can anyone do this to someone? WTF happened to my wife? Is this blatant narcissism at this point? My heart is crushed today...when will the nightmare end

LD, Your wife is going to a wedding with OM? What the f**k is her problem? Overnight. What an outrage. And why is she running around with AP when her son is ill?

'Blatant narcissism' is a generous compliment to explain her deranged behavior.

Stay strong. Blessings to you and your son. Try to make your son as happy as possible, being happy may help his recovery.

(Happy is good for you too..)

Yes she went to a wedding without me, overnight. I have suspicion that he was there but I haven't asked....I'm pretty sure I know the answer and it really doesn't matter anyway right? This is the part of the 180 that blows goats...

LD

I think one of the main reasons we are so insecure and in so much pain when dealing with infidelity is because we never imagined being in these shoes. It’s an unexpected trauma and we aren’t certain how to react. I want you to adapt a certain mentality. That mentality is result-focused. It might best be described by using this comparison:

Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of smoke-detectors. I’m guessing that within a few seconds you are out of bed, waking your family, looking for the source of the smoke, evaluating the fire, getting everyone out, calling the fire department, deciding if you get valuables out or try to extinguish the fire… You would be ALL ACTION.

I doubt you will run around in circles hoping this wasn’t a fire. I doubt you would ask the fire nicely to burn elsewhere. You don’t try to negotiate with the fire. You don’t agree that if it promises to stay in the kitchen you will send the firemen home. You don’t worry about the damage or even try to assess the damage until you are out of the danger.

Instead you act. You do things in a natural order like you don’t phone a contractor to fix damage, but rather the fire department to extinguish the flames. You don’t worry that a fire might lower property-value, but scream warnings to your neighbors and others the fire might affect. You focus on the factual issues like you don’t worry about the firemen’s boots damaging your hardwood floors but rather on making certain everyone is safe. You are realistic – you don’t cry because you couldn’t save some valuables like your Bruce Springsteen LP collection, but rejoice that you managed to save your children.

Heck… Even if it gets to the point where the whole house is ablaze and you are in the front-yard counting your family and what you managed to save then IF your wife runs back in to get the important vase her aunt gave her… you might run after her. But if she does so repeatedly again and again and you see the house crumbling around her – Well… at some point you need to decide that YOU need to focus on the valuables you already have and can control.

This is precisely where your marriage is right now. It’s the burning house. You can decide to do nothing and hope the fire burns out, but I’m certain that if you were dealing with a fire you would be relatively firm and decisive.

I’m not going to tell you to file. You do that when you want to file and are prepared to file. But I’m going to strongly suggest you decide to get out of the danger, to get out of the fire. To get out of infidelity!

To stick to the burning house analogy: Filing for divorce would be like activating a sprinkler-system. The goal of activating the sprinkler isn’t to turn on the sprinkler, nor is it to spread water. The goal of activating the sprinkler is to extinguish the fire – irrespective of the damage caused by the water. It’s the same with filing for divorce. The goal of filing isn’t to end the affair, although that might be a side-product. The goal is to get YOU out of infidelity.

Filing is just one box to tick on your way out of infidelity. Undeniably a big box and if she insists on remaining in infidelity then an inevitable and unavoidable box, but still only a box. If you aren’t comfortable ticking that box now, then OK… but keep moving out of infidelity. ALWAYS keep moving!

But… even if you don’t file then MAKE SURE you understand divorce. How will it go. What can you expect.

What you do is you make your wife aware that you don’t accept things the way they are. You make it clear that YOU are moving out of infidelity. I gave you the script for that conversation earlier on.

Another step is that you refuse to hide her activities. You expose. You share. You let people know she is choosing to remain in infidelity and that unchanged then that is going to kill your marriage.

Like if she’s going to a wedding with her lover? You tell people that you find it highly inappropriate that your wife goes to a WEDDING to celebrate a couple committing to each other and taking along the man that she is breaking those very same vows with.

Tell all that can impact her actions that your marriage and family is in danger because she is having an affair. Name the OM by name and that he is married. Be factual and chose your words carefully: “I am sharing with you that my wife is having an affair with OM and that the affair is going to kill our marriage and deeply affect our children and family. I refuse to remain in infidelity and I can’t accept sharing my wife. I am telling you about this so that you can help guide my wife to do the right thing because what is going on now isn’t sustainable”.

Refuse to condone or support her affair. Like who takes care of the children when she’s out? Does she get weekends off because she takes care of them during weekdays? Who finances the affair? Who pays for her going out with OM?

Refuse to hide her affair. She’s going out? Ask her if she’s going with OM. Remove the secrecy and thereby the romance. Make it what it is: a sleazy affair.

Earlier you got advice to focus on you. To dress neat, groom, exercise. Follow that to the T. Make sure that when your wife sees you she doesn’t see a sorry, miserable wreck of a man, but rather one that is confident in knowing he is dealing with the shitstorm with the strength and dignity he can muster.

Brief update:. Suprise suprise, the POS was at the wedding. When I asked her if he was her response was "I'm not gonna answer that" as if that's not a dead give away. Followed up with " do you really think that's ok?"

I also caught her in a lie. She had told me a while ago that the POS was moving. I knew it was a lie at the time for multiple reasons. I confronted it last night and her response was "I thought that's what he was doing since he was working the project anymore" or whatever. No real new revelations for me, but now she knows that I know. Thursday can't get here soon enough

Another step is that you refuse to hide her activities. You expose. You share. You let people know she is choosing to remain in infidelity and that unchanged then that is going to kill your marriage.

Like if she’s going to a wedding with her lover? You tell people that you find it highly inappropriate that your wife goes to a WEDDING to celebrate a couple committing to each other and taking along the man that she is breaking those very same vows with.

"when will this nightmare end"

It will start ending the minute she is presented with the divorce papers. It might get rough but it will be the beginning of the end. I know it won't happen but if you and the OMs wife got together after the divorce...now that would be KARMA. I do wish you well.

Hey LD, how are you doing? Hope you are starting to get some clarity in your situation.

I didn't realize the POS was married even

1. Do you know what is happening with their M?

2. The shit is gonna get really real when your WW tells OM you two are divorcing.

3. My guess? He will NOT be divorcing, and that will smack their fantasy world right across the face.

4. If and when you get moving on the D (did it happen Thursday?) tell his BW what is going on in your M. That's what I would do, so she can watch his reaction and look for an impact on her own R.

Good luck.

This crap sucks.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:20 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

You know...I'm not doing well. This is all so difficult for me. I like to understand things and I just can't with this.

We had a really good talk Tuesday of last week. Good enough that I delayed my meeting with the lawyer until this coming Tuesday. The hope was she might start pulling her head out....not gonna happen

Last I had heard from the POS wife, they were gonna divorce. She's batshit crazy though...I will probably check with her this week as well as let her know what I'm doing

If OM divorces or not is not the issue. The issue is doing either you or your wife want to remain in your marriage. OM could come along leading a parade with elephants and a marching band asking your wife to join him and if she did… well… you would have your answer and you could move on with your life. But if she was committed to the marriage then she would simply avoid or ignore the parade. YOU would be her choice, not her back-up plan.

There is no pre-given automatic connection with OM divorce and your wife and him remaining in infidelity.

A week ago, you and WW discussed the future. Then you sat back expecting changes in her that might save your marriage. LD – this action is top of the list in the Common Mistakes Betrayed Spouses Make.

I like using comparisons because I think we simply aren’t prepared to deal with infidelity. I think we might be better prepared to decide our actions if we can compare infidelity to something else.

Imagine you are walking down the street with what you have always considered your best friend. Then all of a sudden he sticks his foot out and trips you. You get back to your feet and he’s all apologetic and insists it’s an accident and it won’t happen again. You walk along a few yards and your friend shoves you in the back so you slam into a wall. Once again, apologetic, didn’t know what happened, never happen again… Walk along and your friend turns to you and punches you on the chin. Once again, excuses, promises to never do this again…

How long would you be trying to walk in sync beside this “friend”?

Yes – You might walk in the same direction he is going towards the same destination. But you would need to be a fool if you don’t keep some distance from him and a constant eye on his actions. Based on your past relationship with this friend you might even be willing to see if he stops swinging at you. Maybe even if he heads towards you swinging a bat you might even change your definition of what and who is a “friend”. Maybe even your destination to avoid him…

When you and WW sat down and had that “good” talk you were asking your friend to stop beating on you. And then you walked close to him in the belief that the “talk” had changed anything.

It hasn’t…

Her ACTIONS are what count.

And just like you couldn’t walk beside that friend then you can’t allow her to control where you are headed. You can walk in the general direction she’s headed – AS LONG AS IT LEADS TOWARDS OUT OF INFIDELITY!

But if she stops to pick up a rock or find a bat or whatever… You keep your pace, your distance and your course.

Don’t have a “talk” and then wait for her changes. Have the talk I suggested: “Wife – you are free to do whatever you want but not as my wife”. Make it clear that you really wish the marriage would survive, but that sharing her is worse than losing her. Then move on along your list of how to gradually and sensibly detach and terminate the marriage IF HER ACTIONS AND WORDS don’t indicate in a definite and clear way that she has chosen YOU rather than OM.

Remove the drama. Remove the second guessing. Until YOU are pretty convinced that she’s on board with the marriage then YOU are in control of where YOU are headed and the pace getting there. Once you make the affair reality and it’s possible consequences real the infidelity is no longer a diamond in the rough, but simply a piece of coal.

[This message edited by Bigger at 5:45 AM, June 25th (Monday)]

Thanks for the reply

I completely agree. It's time to move forward with my own life. I'll meet the attorney tomorrow and get the ball rolling. I'll keep everyone updated as I'll likely want/need ya'lls support. I'm still in disbelief that this is what it has come to. Cancer and an affair....ugh

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It’s women like your WW that make me want to vomit, and I’m a woman. WTF. I’m taking her woman card and certainly her mother card. (Cue words of profanity that are worthy of a drunken sailor, involving picking scabs off her naughty parts for extra lube).

Dude, she sounds like a sociopath. Ugh, wtf. Cold hearted selfish bitch.

Sorry, not my place to vent for you, but your shit sandwich is the shittiest I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry, deep breath. Struggling to not go throat punch her like she deserves right now....... grrrrrrrr.......