SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

and that shed never do it again

Which is a direct contradiction to what she told you just a few days ago when she said she would cheat again if you didn't treat her as she wanted. You can't be sure of anything she says, you can only trust her actions over a long period of time, and a week and a half is nowhere near a long period of time.

(((calkid)))

I don't want to break up the family

Please try to re-frame this thought in your mind.

The logic that you're using right now implies that your WW can do pretty much anything she wants and you will remain so as to not break up the family.

It's not as if you went to bed last night, woke up this morning, looked around and said "huh. I'm outta here" for no reason other than it's Friday.

Your WW has already broken the family. Whatever results from that will rest on her shoulders, not yours.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:33 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

i'm not as negative about this as other's Calkid. She might be telling the truth. Getting her drunk and asking her doesn't make it true though. People can lie when they're drunk.

But you have to remember, the title of the this thread is "Wife made out with a guy." People here didn't think it smelled right. And you eventually found out that a heck of a lot more happened than your wife making out with a guy. And she didn't volunteer this. She lied about it. You had to drag it out of her. And remember when she was protecting "him?" She promised "him" she wouldn't tell?

She's a liar. Maybe not anymore.

But you gotta ask yourself, do you want to know the whole truth? If so, get a polygraph. If she's telling the truth, she should be fine with it. You can tell her, you just to verify so you can move forward without lingering doubts. If she says, "what, you don't trust me?" You can certainly reply that lately she's been lying and hiding a lot of stuff.

I applaud you for being a fighter and wanting to fight for your family and marriage. I'm a fighter too.

The question is: do you really want to know the truth? Either she'll be exonerated, you'll know she's finally telling the truth. Or you'll find out that she's still lying and her "pussy" as you call it, wasn't just for you.

But only if you want the truth. Good luck

Don't want to be too harsh, but I call bullshit.

First you say

...not sure about the person she is now.

Then you completely contradict yourself by saying

I'm sure she's sorry for hurting me. She says she's remoursful for everything and that shed never do it again and that she's 100% in this with me and wants to rebuild our marriage.

You say you're unsure about the person she is, but then you say you're sure she wants X, Y & Z.

I'm sorry but you're not sure about her. It's obvious. Te person you used to know no longer exists. Once she convinced herself that cheating is ok, and then does it, there was no turning back to who she used to be. She is gone forever. She spiritually died. You should be morning a loss right now. Please take time to grieve, relive the happy times and move on.

It's obvious to all of us. Please listen to all the messages on this board. Please please please.

Just trying to be honest with you. You're hurt. You're confused. You're not being logical.

As WE ALL recommend, you need to physically separate for a while to truly understand what has happened. You're trying to "fix" something you can't "fix".

All your aspirations about not breaking up the family are great, but she's already broke up the family my friend. It hurts. I know. It sucks. At this point it is up to her to mend the family, not you. And that is going to take TIME.

I'm so sad for you because I totally understand your pain, and how fresh it is.

Please get some time for you. As much as you need. HINT: You'll need a lot.

Do her actions match her words? Take some deep breaths, pull back enough to really see what is real (and not what you wish), and observe. For a long time.

Don't fall back on self-deception because it's easier. Don't fall back on, "I'm not a quitter" because it's easier.

Make decisions firmly based in the reality of your situation. This, I realize, may take considerable time to ascertain. You don't need to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or even the next day. You have time to really assess the situation.

Just be sure to do so honestly.

Honestly, not intending to pile on here. This is just more from my perspective.

...she's 100% in this with me and wants to rebuild our marriage.

Before real work can occur in marriage rebuilding, she needs to address her issues that resulted in dropped, or poor boundaries, why she found excitement and attention in OM rather than dragging you to MC or trying to "nice" you back into the M.

This is issues like her comment about needing you to fill her heart. That was something my FWW would have said before her IC.

Someone suggested the two of you read and discuss Not Just Friends by Glass. That was good advice, FWW and I did that. We also read Sexual Detours by Hines, and 5 Love Languages (later in R) by Chapman.

What she says is not so important over the next few months as what she does.

We are separating for two weeks. She's going to the south to watch our grandson. Maybe this is what is needed. Maybe, it will bring some clarity. You are all right. I am very confused.

I feel like a long distance runner who has been running for a long, long time who's chest is heaving and burning, who's muscles are burning and this runner is slowing down and getting slower with every stride. The race is life and is losing the will to push on. I'm so ashamed I'm so weak guys, you all are stronger and better than me.

(((Calkid)))

You are stronger than you know.

Until you related the account given by your wife of cavorting in a hotel room with the OM and other ladies, some of whom were having sex with him, I kinda believed her tale of oral only. Now I think she joined in with full service and isn't going to tell you because its a deal breaker. She believes you won't successfully reconcile if she tells you the truth, so you get this hogwash of her saving her genitals for you, and you only.

The more she mentions this claim that you have exclusive rights to her vagina the more disbelief I feel.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

I'm so ashamed I'm so weak guys, you all are stronger and better than me.

Really, you are doing well. Just because we give you good advice, does not mean we knew of the advice or implemented it in the early days and weeks after our own ddays.

Finding SI early is a good thing, but it really can be like trying to drink from a fire hose.

I hope the 2 weeks give you a break to focus on you and your kids. Maybe reach out to friends you have not had a beer with in a while.

News Flash: Liars still lie even when drunk. Drinking doesn't make you an honest person, it just makes you drunk. I grilled my FWH while he was shitfaced drunk several times trying to get answers. He continued to lie even while he was drunk. He told me over and over the same things he told me while sober. My gut didn't believe him even though my heart wanted to. I kept snooping and found out everything he told me while he was sober and drunk were all lies.

Your WW is one hell of a good liar. As much as you don't want to believe it, she probably fucked the guy and she probably fucked him many, many times. She is gaslighting you because she is afraid that it will be a deal breaker for you. She is protecting herself. I feel so badly for you as it is quite clear that you are in a BS fog. You say you know her so you think she would never let another man in her "P". Well did you know her well enough to know she would give another man BJ's or have an A? No, I don't think you know her quite as well as you think you do. IMHO, you desparately want to believe that she kept herself pure in the "P" just for you because you are unable to handle the pain that she really didn't. Right now your mind and heart can't handle the trauma from the truth so you are in the denial stage. Unfortunately, when the shock wears off and you start coming out of the BS fog, you will start to see all the holes in her story that the rest of us see. After all, we have lived through it so we recognize bullshit when we hear it. Everything she has fed you so far is all bullshit. I truly am sorry that you are in this situation and even more sorry for the additional pain coming your way. Please shore yourself up mentally and emotionally so you will be prepared. It devastated me when I found out that my FWH had sex with his whore instead of just flirting and texting like he swore on his mother's life. It is indeed extremely traumatizing and painful. Most WS's will lie their asses off to minimize the A hoping to keep their BS's from divorcing them.

Ok, no more guys. For me to pick myself up and move on, I need to draw a line in the sand. I can make a couple of choices. I can, choose to believe her, that she didn't want sex from him and she saved her pussy as off limits, or I can chose to believe the worst which is, she let him fuck her and she's trying to keep from hurting me more and calling it quits. If he did, I'm not sure it matters. What does matter is, she's home with me, she's sorry, she loves me, and I love her. Can I ever fully trust her again as before? No. I never should have trusted as much as I did in the first place. Will I always be checking up on her emails, phone records, etc.? Yes. Thats where I'm at in this moment in time. If there's more, I can't handle it so even though she's given me no reason to, for my own mental sanity, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. That might change in a week or two, but that's where I'm at right now. :

I'm so ashamed I'm so weak guys, you all are stronger and better than me.

Oh calkid. I wish you could see some of the posts I made in spring/summer 2012. You're not weak. You're going through hell right now.

Bingo, OK now!!!!

She believes you won't successfully reconcile if she tells you the truth,

That's what my H did. He was waiting for me to R and I waiting for him to disclose. He said once he knew I wouldn't leave him, that's when he disclosed EVERYTHING.

Dang it, Calkid, I KNEW from your first post she would TT. I got a 6 month TT package. Nice, huh.

Dude, this place is for the hulks and superwomen! You're defenitely a hulk!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:47 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

Whats TT?

Hi Cal,

TT = Trickle Truth

Nearly 100% of wayward spouses (WS) will tell a minimized, sanitized version of what really went on when first confronted. (If they tell any truth at all - after their repeated denials.)

This is why we all *knew* from your first post that there was more to this. There always is...

I completely understand what you said in your last post. As a matter of fact, the best thing about your thought process is "what does it matter?" - as long as you are still prepared to try to reconcile (R) no matter what really happened, then the details really, really do not matter. It was a betrayal.

You probably feel the worst you will ever feel - I know I did and I've heard that short of losing a child, infidelity really is the worst pain in the world.

BIG HUGS to you.

You are STRONG and I admire your desire to try to move forward from this no matter what.

Stick around, we all really care and just want to help you and each other.

You can choose to believe what you want to. I just want you to know, as someone who has successfully R'ed with their spouse for several years now, without knowing the truth of what happened, you'll never be able to have a strong foundation for any future M. How can you have a marriage without trust? How can you have trust without honesty? How can you have honesty without knowing the depth of the lies in order to start to rebuild? Just sayin....

For a burn victim to truly heal from their burns, their wounds must be stripped down to the raw skin and allowed to heal from the inside out to avoid infection. To build a sturdy building, you must tear out all remnants of a former building's foundation and start on fresh ground. To have a successful marriage after infidelity, you must know exactly what you're up against and the brutal honest truth must be known in order to move forward and build true trust again. Speaking from my own experience.

I'm all for R, I truly am. I believe there are many wrong ways to go about it though, rug sweeping and not getting all the truth are two ways that I feel are wrong ways. Details are not needed, but if something is important (such as if there was actual penetration on your wife), then that is a detail that must be disclosed.

Good luck cal, you're going to need it!

Calkid-

I can so relate to where you are. BTDT. She doesn't have to paint you into a corner... You have the can and the brush and are doing it for her.... Why? I don't know, we are all different in our motivations. Mine was fear. Fear of losing our life/family, being alone, being thrown away, losing to the OW... You name it I feared it. I paved over questions, doubts, lies, need for disclosure with my fear. Problem is-- it doesn't stay buried.

I can, choose to believe her, that she didn't want sex from him and she saved her pussy as off limits, or I can chose to believe the worst which is, she let him fuck her and she's trying to keep from hurting me more and calling it quits.

It is not just 2 choices. How about you let the possibility in that she is not telling everything? What that everything is has not yet been fully determined.

She is so busy blowing golden vagina smoke up your ass, she will not commit her story to a perfect memory.

You know what ups the bullshit meter for those of us that have been around for awhile? All of the consideration, comparison, and ownership rights she is/was directing your way during the concentrated period of time she was getting it on with the OM... All of that stuff went through her head and she blew him anyway?! Child please.

She did what she did for her. It was about her. And if she didn't let him hit the vjj that was her too. You were not in her head during the acts. You weren't. Or she would not have done it.

You may 'choose' to believe her, but I guarantee, just like the others here have already explained, you have the details burned on your brain and over time all of your common sense is going to nudge you again and again. The cracks in her story will eat your guts out.

You are not alone in the desire to make 'the' choice and start building back. That is why TT sucks so much. Small portions of the betrayal are fed to you slowly, over time as your are already recommitting. Each new piece of information cuts out another piece of your poor heart, but you rationalize 'that's it' and NOW we can really move on. Until the next piece.

From experience, I can tell you that drinking the bullshit Kool Aid doesn't build good will with a cheater- it encourages an increase in production.

No one here is saying R is not possible. Of course it is. If TT ruled out R- 95% if the board would be down in the Divorce and Separation. You don't have to commit to any version of the A right this second. I can say that for the most part, in many, many of the situations here that story evolves and changes. It is not a choice, but a process....

Hugs.

I'm not trying to rug sweep. This is all I can handle. I'm sticking with "what does it matter?" She screwed up, she's sorry for it, etc. At some point for my own mental health, I have to give it to my higher power and move forward. Everything always comes out in the wash. I'm gonna hold my chin up and move forward. That's where I'm at now, maybe tomorrow will be different, who knows?