SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok JS I hear what you are saying. I definitely need to keep that in mind. Today is particularly tough because my father in law is going in for his 3rd colon surgery today. I'm very very close with my WWs family. In fact I'm closer to them than I am with my own family. We spend so much time together on the weekends, vacations, helping with things that need to be done ect. My brother in law is one of my very best friends. Our other neogew24 yrs old,,is also a best friend and like a son to me. I guess what I'm saying is that these facts are something that are giving me pause in my situation.

Anyway back to my father in law. He had two surgeries recently for his colon problem and they were very tough on him and all of us. He got an infection and it was very touch and go for a while. Had us all very worried. This happened right around d-day. He eventually recovered and now this is supposed to be the last one. So I'm concerned about him. I want to know what's going on and how everything goes. So given this information can I contact him? Can I contact my mother in law? Can I contact my WW? In this circumstance while still trying to detach and 180? I don't want what's going on with my WW to effect my relationship with them. I love these people dearly and they are innocent bystanders

Just as JS recommended, the 180 is for YOUR benefit. So don't give up what's natural and genuine for you. If you want to check in on your FIL, do it. Just do it on your terms and not as a support player for your WW. She fired you from that job, remember.

In practicing the 180, you're learning to attend your own needs and to not be an emotional support system for a person who disrespects you. So if YOU need to know that FIL is alright, tend to your own needs on your own terms.

the overall theme of the 180 is detachment so:

I guess what I'm driving at is that she seemed to be acting a little strange when she stopped by tonight. I mean why even stop by? Why not pack your clothes that you need in the morning and then you don't have to stop by the house ya know? She kinda seemed like she was moping and sad. Definitely not herself

...worry about YOU (and kids)...try not to analyze or even give a crap what's going on in her head.

and just to revert back to ur question about being "all in" mentally on divorce...I can only say pick your poison. Continue w/ this status quo limbo while your wife cheats...or move forward with a life on your own terms (divorce. But if you are expecting something to change w/ the current status quo...it won't...unless you change it.

Get updates on FIL from BIL or MIL. Even show them concern and compassion. Don't talk you WW about it except if there is a kid issue to work out.

xX - Brother how is going?

I know that those belly surgeries can be presented as a no big deal kind of thing, but depending on what happens can turn into a giant deal pretty quickly.

You stay in touch w/ your MIL and you get updates as needed.

((((And Strength))))

Dealing without allot of stuff right now everybody. I haven't had a chance to post but there will be a big update soon. Just trying to get through today right now.

TMB, hang in there!

hope everything works out for you bro.

Sending you ((((And Strength))))

Hi again to all my SI friends and family. Thank you for your messages and support to hang in there. I'm doing just that.

Things have gone pretty much sideways since my last " long" post and I've been seeking more immediate comfort and counsel from friends and family. It's been tough to sit down and post in here about everything. I won't go into every little detail but I wanted to give you all an update and keep my SI support group in the loop and seek continued advice/input.

Let me first say that you all were right, about pretty much everything. The way I should have handled things most importantly.

I spoke to my lawyer last week and things look pretty good for me in the D. There will be no alimony because we basically make the same amount of money. I make about 10k more but it's pretty even and isn't an alimony situation per my lawyer. My lawyer said the custody situation looks good for me as well. I've been pretty much the primary caretaker since she had these "long" hours at work and I have a more consistent normal schedule. I will also be keeping the house we have now which is the kids home, it's where my 6yr olds school is just down the street and it's the only home my 23 month old son has ever known. I'll be keeping the house because my WW and I didn't buy it together. My credit is very good but WWs is not good, in fact it's pretty poor. I couldn't carry the mortgage alone when we wanted the house and bringing WW on was only going to hurt the ability to get qualified for the mortgage. So my parents bought the home and own the home. I pay them the mortgage. Basically in the state of MD the house is owned by my parents and it has nothing to do with my wife and I per my attorney. So the house is safe, therefore my place to live is safe and the boys home is going to remain intact. So good things for my side. Another consuerdation in custody and the D in general is obviously I would be filing on the grounds of adultery and that's on my side as well. WW has also left the home to live with her parents temporarily, then maybe live with cousin until she can get her "own place." Regardless of where she is, she isn't at home so that's another strike. So again things look pretty good for me in the D.

This past week I did visit my FIL in the hospital and went w my BIL while WW stayed at home w the boys. My FIL is doing really well sibtgats great. My BIL spent a lot of time together last week and he continued to condem his sisters (WWs) actions, doesn't understand what she's doing, thinks D isn't an option and knows WW doesn't want that ect. BIL is thinking this will all pass.

I had the boys all week and WW wanted them to come up this past Sunday to swim at my inlaws house, see my FIL, and stay the night. We worked out that they could stay Sun-Tues and WW brings them home today. WW said then you can keep them Tues night-Sunday lol, does she really want these kids? Damn, I'm just saying she's on some other stuff.

Anyway when I went to drop them off on Sunday I stayed and swam with the boys, spent time with my WW and her family. I was there from like 12-8pm. As soon as I got there though I felt as if something was just off. No overt behavior on the part of my WWs family but I wasn't getting a good vibe from the experience. My MIL not really engaging me, not looking at me when talking to me ect. So basically my thinking is that WW flanked me and said some half truths or just outright lies about what was going on between us. Now it seems my MIL and FIL are ok with us separating. Despite what my BIL said or believed it would appear that they are ok with it. I briefly got to speak w FIL and could only talk to him in broad strokes about the situation. He said yeah WW seems like she just doesn't wanna be around you right now. He said no matter what happens if this works out or you guys get a D that he hopes we will remain friendly for the sake of the kids. Woooooow I never thought I'd hear that from him. So clearly something was said and WW didn't just tell them the general statement that the MC had said to tell them. WW has lied AGAIN, surprise surprise, and continues to lie to me, her family, and anybody else who cares about her. She is a lying POS. I did get to squeeze in that I've been doing everything I can to save the marriage but WW just doesn't want to do that. I also told him that I think the fact that WW had the A 2 months after our youngest sine was born, that it carried on for over a year and a half, and is probably still going on could be why it hasn't worked. FIL said "wow, I didn't know that." I said the OM is saying he's in the process of getting divorced or is separated ect but according to MD case search he is NOT divorced and I just don't want to see his daughter get burned and fall flat on her face. FILs response was "maybe that's exactly what she needs to happen." So the whole truth isn't out there, could only do that minimal level of exposing and then our conversation was interrupted when another family member came downstairs and that was the end of our talk. So again no good discovered came from my time there. I enjoyed the time with my sons and even with my other family members. WW and I were civil and I even caught her watching me while I was playing w our sons and she was smiling and kind of lamenting I think, but unfortunately because I waited to expose and because of whatever lies WW told them or the things she left out or minimized it felt kind of like my family, or that part of it, is kind of lining up against me. And that's so sad to my heart. People I deeply care for and love with all my heart, who don't know the truth, who are being lied to on a daily basis are kind of turning against me or at the very least going along with what WW wants instead of being able to really help WW with her numerous severe problems and issues.

I also found myself looking at WW very differently this past week. This post is getting long I apologize but I want to bring you all up to date. I'm doing this all on my phone so I'm switching to a CPU now so it's easier to do...see the continuation on the next post...

Sorry, long pause between posts...I couldnt get on a computer yesterday to finish.

But yeah, I started to see WW in a different way the other day. I was sitting there in the back yard and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of disgust towards her. Like she makes me sick, with what's shes done to me, our family, her family and all the people that I see as innocent victims to all her bull@#$. I am starting to just not be able to stand her. I feel and see now that I don't have any option other than going forward with D. To be honest I've come to the realization that no matter what WW says or does that I won't ever be able to fully trust her and I whos to say that the same exact thing doesn't happen YET AGAIN 2 years down the road or 5 or 10 or whatever, I dont want to live like that. I also don't want to live in limbo with a separation All the while shes gaining strength and improving her situation. I have the upper hand now, time is my friend...by giving her time I just weaken my position and time becomes my enemey. D is the only way I think that I can move forward, do whats best for me and my sons and find happiness and the best life we can all have. It's not an easy option or a "good" option per say, but compared to the other options I think its the lesser of all evils. I don't see how my life gets better, my sons lives get better, by keeping this person around that's just going to continue to hurt us and discard all the love we give to her. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm done, I'm done with her shit, I'm done with all the lies and people that really don't give a crap about me and my sons. This was a very big realization for me, heard it from everybody in SI, heard it from my friends and family, but now I'm really seeing it for myself and believing its the best option. Big change for me.

With all that in mind I still wanted to do everything I could to let people I cared about, who were being lied to, know the truth so they would somewhat understand my coming actions. I contacted my MIL and FIL on monday to ask if I could come and talk to them so we could all be on the same page with whats happening right now. They said it was between me and my WW and that they wouldnt feel comfortable having me to come and talk to them without WW there. Wow again in my mind, people I really cared about and loved more than even my own family, did everything for ect. bascially saying we dont wanna hear the truth or what you have to say. They said if I wanted to get WW to agree to be there and we could all talk then they would be fine with that...yeah right like WW would agree after shes posted up her lies or bull@#$ story to them. I struggled with that and didn't know if I was going to try to do that with WW or not.

Then yesterday a strange thing happened...I said I dont care, F it. If MIL and FIL wanna stick their heads in the sand and don't care about what someone they called their "son" has to say then so be it. I cant control them or what they want, I can control me and my decisions and thats it. I've done absolutelyu everything I can, and so much more that I never should have had to do, in order to try and save this marriage. If people don't wanna know the real story of well, live with the lies. When the D comes though and they want answers then at least I can say I tried to tell you but I'm done trying. Support your daughter and enjoy your life of incessantly lying with my WW. good luck.

This brought a feeling of incredible strength and power. feelings that I've been lacking throughout this entire experience. Feelings I desperately needed to push through all the hell and pain and do what needs to be done.

WW dropped the kids back off yesterday and for the first time in a long time I really didn't care what was going on with her or what she was doing and was just waiting for her to leave. I was focused on my sons and so happy that they were home and I could care less about anything coming out of WW's mouth. Talked about the kids, thats it, she rolled out and I was like good riddence in my mind. These feelings are all no new but they are really goood.

I see now that I will be fine...the boys will be fine...that everything is going to be ok. I really recognize that now and I'm ready to move forward. There is sadness of course and that will come and go, but I feel like I finalyy have a direction and goal to move towards. Its somewhat intoxicating and I wonder if you all have felt this way as well in your experiences.

I want things to be amicable between me and WW, to be friends for the sake of the kids. And I will always keep things civil between us no matter what but right now though I would require her to get IC, address her drinking and messed up way of life and really get healthy in her mind before I would even consider just being friends again. It might sound harsh but she has some terrible serious demons and issues to work through. She is a deeply disturbed individual that has a whole lot of sould searching to do and issues that need to be addressed. I hope she gets that help and finds her happiness but honestly thats not my concern anymore. I'm concerned about my sons and I'm concerned about me moving forward and finding happiness and having the best damn life together that a family could ever hope to obtain.

XXT, I applaud you for taking control of your life. While I'm neithe pro-R or pro-D I certainly understand why you are taking the course you've chosen. A better life awaits you as you move out of infidelity!

If we had an applause emoji, I'd be using it right now! Good for you! It's such a breakthrough when you realize that you really are in control of your reaction to other people's choices. Well done!

Tushnurse - "rainbows and unicorn farts" - lmfao

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:18 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:18 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

Thanks Sinil, ChamTea, and Anoka...love De Niro in Taxi Driver, great meme...that's one of my favorite Scorsese movies. I've just reached my tipping point I guess. Trying everything that I did to save the marriage, although it wasn't done in a way that SI members later taught me was the most effective way to do it, and having WW basically not give a crap and just keep treating me like a doormat and not wanting to save the M has put me in a position of seeing this isntvwgats best for me and my sons. So all the ridiculous crap I did to save the M, my WWs continued indifference and constant insane decision making, our inability to communicate about really anything important has me saying that's it I can't take this shit anymore.

I mean I'm going to visit my best friend in Chicago this weekend, just three days, cuz I need a change of scenery and to do something to relax a little bit and regain my focus and wind. So she calls last night to ask about the boys and when she needs to pick up and drop off ect. In the midst of that conversation I ask her if she is paying the nanny on Friday because honestly that's her bill right now, it always has been, and with no legal separation agreement in place yet we continue paying what we've been paying. WW says yeah, since I'm paying the nanny I need $200 for you (me BS) to get my hair done. 🙄🙄🙄. Are you friggin kidding me??? Wtf man. I basically said I'll have to see and left it like that. I'm not giving this crazyB money to get her hair done man. F that! It's stuff like this that drives me crazy. The nerve of this woman.

It's to the point now where just hearing her voice on the phone just does not make me feel good at all. Regardless of the conversation the mere sound of her voice is not a good thing for me right now. I think it's going to have to move to all texts or emails in order to help keep me healing and detaching and also to protect myself if she tries anything crazy. Smh

Sorry, damn iPhone has me with all kinds of typographical errors. WW asked said she needed $200 from me to get her hair done. Hope that is clear lol

Paper trails are good, so I think it's wise to keep communications to emails and texts. I would ignore her $200 request for hair money. The state of her hair is no longer your concern. She fired you from that job when she started doing it for other guys. 180 is your friend.