SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Trtroles

Every time you want to talk about your marriage she makes a fool of you,sorry.

No offense taken!

One thing that doesn't come through in a lot of the SI stories, is the history. It's easy to judge when you've not really lived with or known the person. As I mentioned before, WW was a complete angel up to when the shit storm started. It's hard to relay that story here given the evil things she's done. She's always been extremely loving, always supportive my hobbies, just an unbelievable all around good wife. And then suddenly out of the blue, she turns evil. I think it took a long time for my brain to process what I was seeing! The best example I can give, is imagine someone telling you that this car is white. And for 13 years they keep telling you it's white. Then one day, they say no it's black. It's fucked up.

But I finally got the message.

[This message edited by arbuom at 2:15 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

Arbuom

This might be a slightly harsh post…

I feel you need focus.

I for one am not sure what you want. What your goal is.

If it’s divorce… Then go for it.

Skip the drama. Tell your wife that you are filing – whether you do so before you consult with an attorney or not or before you file or not – that isn’t really the big issue. Personally, I would suggest learning your rights and having a clear picture of the effects before filing, but in any case, then IF you think divorce is the path you WANT then juts start that journey.

You don’t have to justify divorce to anyone. It’s not a game. It’s not as if your friends will keep score and then at the end of the day you get 6 points and wife gets 3 and therefore you win. If you want to divorce, then divorce. It’s TOTALLY your call. It’s not a popularity contest. You don’t do it to “win”. You don’t do it to punish your wife.

IF you want to divorce you do so because YOU want to divorce. Maybe because you don’t have another realistic option, but maybe because you want to divorce.

All this talk about having her served unexpectedly, shaming her, trying to cause her pain… That’s not for me. There is nothing kind or nice about divorce and to me it would be worth a LOT to be able to go through that process and still can hold your head high because you never hit below the belt.

At the same time, I think even an amicable divorce is a messy one. I think a big mistake people divorcing make is thinking they will be friends and still spend time together. I can more-or-less guarantee that for a 6-12-month period post-divorce you two will hate each other’s guts.

If you want to reconcile…

Well… that’s harder. Harder but still possible…

IF she changes her attitude.

That’s the key issue. To reconcile you need a couple of things just to even start that path. You – as in Arbuom – needs to want to reconcile and she – as in Mrs. Arbuom – needs to want to reconcile. Those are the two most important factors. Then you both need to realize what basics are needed to take the first teeny-weeny step. Generally, that’s her understanding that the truth is necessary, and then it’s YOUR willingness to let her tell the truth and not react rashly to whatever she tells you.

But right now, it’s a moot point…

She has told you she doesn’t love you, won’t love you, you are controlling, that she’s done nothing wrong…

That leaves you with one path open.

Remember how I told you the paths to R or D run parallel to begin with?

You can choose whether you walk on the R-lane or the D-lane for the first steps. That first step is to let your wife know that YOU are leaving infidelity and that since she wants to remain behind then YOU are moving on.

BTW – Maybe I’m jaded from too many years on SI, but I don’t see your wife as the penultimate evil and calculated hex. A lot of her actions are in line with a deep EA and are no worse or better than many others. You are dealing with a tough situation and I don’t see a need to paint it any darker than it really is.

Bigger

I for one am not sure what you want. What your goal is.

I’m surprised to hear that!? I thought I made it completely clear in many of my recent posts that I’m going to D, and that I’m waiting on a second opinion from a lawyer before talking to WW.

Skip the drama. Tell your wife that you are filing – whether you do so before you consult with an attorney or not or before you file or not – that isn’t really the big issue. Personally, I would suggest learning your rights and having a clear picture of the effects before filing, but in any case, then IF you think divorce is the path you WANT then juts start that journey.

You don’t have to justify divorce to anyone. It’s not a game. It’s not as if your friends will keep score and then at the end of the day you get 6 points and wife gets 3 and therefore you win. If you want to divorce, then divorce. It’s TOTALLY your call. It’s not a popularity contest. You don’t do it to “win”. You don’t do it to punish your wife.

IF you want to divorce you do so because YOU want to divorce. Maybe because you don’t have another realistic option, but maybe because you want to divorce.

All this talk about having her served unexpectedly, shaming her, trying to cause her pain… That’s not for me. There is nothing kind or nice about divorce and to me it would be worth a LOT to be able to go through that process and still can hold your head high because you never hit below the belt.

You are absolutely right! My only defence (and probably not a good one) is that I’m hurting so badly, and my self-worth is in the toilet, and WW has treated me like shit for 8 months, squeezed me into a corner, played russian roulette with my, and my children’s life and continues to act in a wayward way. It’s very hard to think straight in those situations, and if I could, I wouldn’t be here asking for help! I’ve actually tried justifying to a lot of the people here that I wanted no confrontation with WW, that I wanted an amicable divorce, and the only person that got it was Sharkman. So I completely concur, no drama required. Actually today, my feeling is that I just want out. I can’t take the pain anymore. You might ask what I’m waiting for? Well, it’s DS2’s birthday next weekend and we have a big party planned for him, and I want the poor boy to have his happy birthday before his world get rocked :(

At the same time, I think even an amicable divorce is a messy one. I think a big mistake people divorcing make is thinking they will be friends and still spend time together. I can more-or-less guarantee that for a 6-12-month period post-divorce you two will hate each other’s guts.

Absolutely! I never said I wanted to be friends with WW. My only motive there is that I don’t want us to give a third of our money to the lawyers. Pure and simple! Actually, if I can somehow coparent without ever seeing WW again, sign me up!

If you want to reconcile…

That ship has definitely sailed for both of us! People think that WW will wake up on my telling her I’m done, I’m almost certain she’ll breath a sigh of relief!

Another quick update...

It seems the180 is having the opposite effect on WW, she went from trying to rub my back a couple of days ago to being pissed for some reason. Oh well, nothing I can do...

[This message edited by arbuom at 4:05 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

The emotional pain and angst will subside in time, and you'll eventually find love again.

Now is the time to get the best deal possible in divorce proceedings, inluding acceptable custody terms.

arbuom

It seems the180 is having the opposite effect on WW, she went from trying to rub my back a couple of days ago to being pissed for some reason. Oh well, nothing I can do...

The 180 is primarily designed to help you think clearly and rationally: it is very good at that. It does often have an effect on the WS as the detachment is noticed. The WS may react in several ways, not necessarily seeking to reattach to the BS.

There is also the possibility that WW may be angry due to any number perceived sins of omission or commission.

Did you load the dishwasher incorrectly?

Did you use all the milk and not buy fresh?

Did you stop listening to her ridiculous rationalisations?

Who can say.

You need to make a considered decision that is best for you and the children.

Stay Strong

There is plenty you can do. In fact you are allready doing it. Stay focused, stay present, and stay on your feet. Your boys need this.

My story is not unlike yours, but mine is 10 years long and 10 yaers ago. Just now my WW is showing remorse. Why after so long? I was who you were.

I wish I had SI then. But you have it now. We got you. Hang in there.

As a previous liter said, the 180 is for you. Yes, sometimes it causes the wayward to fight for you. Another common, and slightly opposite, side-effect is that they get kissed at you.

She has been living off of the high of having two menu fight over her for the past 9 months. In her mind OF COURSE she's worthy to be fought over. That you're not fighting MUST make you an idiot, or at worst completely useless to her.

It's a side effect of all of that smoke her boyfriend has blown up her ass.

Again, having her served isn't for revenge but if it does help provide some real-world articulation of 'I WANT TO BE NICE BUT I ALSO WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE SHIT' then good for you. Really what you're looking for is that aforementioned clean break, and by hammering her with a serving you avoid the debate portion of the program. That is healthy.

Sharkman

In her mind OF COURSE she's worthy to be fought over. That you're not fighting MUST make you an idiot, or at worst completely useless to her.

It's a side effect of all of that smoke her boyfriend has blown up her ass.

That is absolutely spot on!

If there is one huge and noticeable change that WW went through when this shit storm started, it's her suddenly becoming confident, full of herself and thinking that she is the shit! Totally not her personality prior to that! Had to be all that smoke you talk about!

Again, having her served isn't for revenge but if it does help provide some real-world articulation of 'I WANT TO BE NICE BUT I ALSO WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE SHIT' then good for you. Really what you're looking for is that aforementioned clean break, and by hammering her with a serving you avoid the debate portion of the program. That is healthy.

I don't know. I'm still on the fence with the whole serving her the papers thing. That to me is an invitation to war. I don't want to spend the next year in courts fighting with her. I want her out of my life yesterday.

I could be out to lunch (and I will speak to the lawyer about this), but what I want is simply me saying to WW: "I suffered enough and I'm filing for divorce. We can either be stupid and give a third of our money to the lawyers (and we both lose, and the kids lose) or we solve this fairly and quickly and we go our separate ways".

Our situation is dead simple. The only thing that can complicate it is her wanting more than 50% time with the kids and 50% of the assets I had before we got married. Otherwise, it can be a 15min discussion and off we go...

She has allready started the war. It has been declared by her. Stay strong.

...and 50% of the assets I had before we got married.

Definitely talk to your lawyer about this...she may not be entitled to much of that, or even none, but talk to your lawyer.

Loverboy is a stay-at-home dad?

Did you notify obs? If she's as independent minded as you suggests, she's likely to kick him to the curb.

The two unemployed love birds can then experience a taste of reality. Love ain't easy when the security blankets are removed.

Go for the jugular in divorce. Is a 50/50 split set in stone? Are there mitigating circumstances? Does infidelity tilt the scale in custody consideration?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:03 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

Arb,

I'm of the mind that serving papers creates a new realities where you breaking it may muddle that, but it's not a hard and fast rule (like exposure, etc). Do what your gut (and your lawyer) tells you to do...it sound alike you're emotionally prepared.

Sharkman, Thanks!

I think I'm emotionally prepared to finally end this nightmare, but unfortunately I'm not prepared for divorce battle (if there is one). I'm really hoping that WW will not get stupid, and turn this into a shit show. The last thing I want now is a year of lawyer and divorce hell.

I'm emotionally drained, I need to be strong for this next phase.

Just promise the folks here that if her boyfriend is married that you'll eventually fully expose. It's the right thing to do, though I understand why you wouldn't want to rock to boat pre-D

No need to promise!

I thought you already knew this, but the OBS knows everything already! There is nothing really to tell her. The only thing that she doesn't know is that POSOM was still talking to WW at school after my mom exposed to OBS everything, including the love book.

[This message edited by arbuom at 8:22 PM, September 4th (Monday)]

Oooops my bad. I may have confused you with someone else!

Another quick update...

Things with WW are at their worst. The 180 has really made her angry. I'm pretty sure it's because I didn't show gratitude to her charity of pity. She has been completely cold. But I'm still smiling, and going about my day.

I'm dreaming that I will be happy again someday, It's been about a year of torture so far...

[This message edited by arbuom at 8:40 PM, September 4th (Monday)]

its horrible this rat and your wife are still communicating in front of people and if your kids see that they would just assume nothing is wrong

Did you ever contact him and try to stake your life back and how he has stripped you and the children of a wife/mother if so what was his responce

bobdobalina

its horrible this rat and your wife are still communicating in front of people and if your kids see that they would just assume nothing is wrong

Did you ever contact him and try to stake your life back and how he has stripped you and the children of a wife/mother if so what was his responce

See everytime I catch myself wanting to do something about the POSOM, I stop and remind myself that it's my fucking WW that brought this on us! If she was a faithful and an honorable wife and mother, none of this would have happened!

And to answer your question, I never did, because I didn't want him telling me that your wife wanted it!