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Guillermo, it's terrible that your ExW abused you but staying in that situation "for the kids" and using an A to do it was actually one of the worst things you could have done for them. Research shows that having a happy, healthy environment is better for kids with divorced parents than kids whose parents are together but dysfunctional. It also shows that seeing their parents be abusive is more likely to lead a kid to being abusive or being abused themselves than if your ExW was the one hurting the kids instead of you. Those extra years would have afforded them a lot more happiness and stability with you as an escape from your unstable ExW if you had divorced and split custody rather than having to live 24/7 with the anger and abuse. Having an A in that situation is like throwing a gallon of gasoline on a raging fire thinking it will make it less worse.

I don't think that makes you worse than your ExW but it does show how broken you are to have put up with years of abuse and justified having an A because of it even to this day. You could use some IC yourself.

Let’s be clear here.

I am going to therapy, but while I do know right from wrong, it was the only option I could come up with at the time.

This was over 10 years ago. Back then, when I was in the thick of an abusive relationship, I wasn’t consulting studies as to what was the right thing to do to be able to see my kids.

Also, I left her for being abusive, she was unaware of the infidelity. She actually didn’t care. She even bragged to people how she was going to divorce me before I left her that night.

Guess what happened after I left? She had her lawyers stop me from seeing my kids. I wonder how many studies agree that it was a good idea to prevent a dad from being with his children?

While I totally understand the armchair quarterback advice, when your ass is in the middle of an abusive relationship and all you want to do is be with your kids, damn right you’ll do whatever you can to keep shit together.

Honestly, I do appreciate your advice, but I am human and flawed. Studies weren’t going to stop me from surviving.

Should I have left? Yes, but the results would still be the same. To this day she makes it difficult for me to have my kids. Yet! Yet, she ignores them. I can write a fucking book about the dysfunction from this woman.

My only regret was leaving them behind.

Today and always, they’ve known how much I loved them. They know that dad will always be here for them.

I’m not innocent, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to get criticized for shit that some of you nice people know nothing about.

Guillermo,

We all do things that we regret in hindsight. We rarely act how we think we would in an infidelity situation. Most people would have advised me to leave and never look back, but I didn't, for many of the same reasons, finances and kids.

You do what seems logical at the time, to get through the best you can.

Recognizing and facing our mistakes is part of life, learning, and hopefully not repeating them.

The only judgement that counts, is your own.

Glad to see you still around. Good luck.

Twisted, that’s exactly what I did with my second wife.

I found a woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She was everything that I wanted, but under the surface, there was something clawing it’s way out.

I had no idea that she would do this, after everything we went through together.

I don’t have regrets about leaving my ex wife. Only my children, but believe it or not, they’re doing really well. I was constantly on top of them and on top of her, making sure she did the right thing by them.

I understand that some of you may look at me as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but when I married my second wife, I shed that persona forever. She did not.

She’s convinced I cheated on her during our marriage and I can say with a clear conscious that I did not. I loved her too much to ever jeopardize our relationship.

So judge me, but if I’m now not in the Cheated on camp, I’ll gladly go into the reformed camp. I honestly don’t care.

Just know this, I’m articulate and will fight back if attacked or told, “now you know how it feels” again.

These thoughts are not meant for the whole group, just the few select that feel righteous enough to inject their unwanted opinions about my past during one of the toughest times in my life.

Guillermo,

Your cheater is not yet remorseful. She regrets getting caught, but not enough time has passed, she hasn’t witnessed enough devastation, to develop remorse.

Until she faces the full repercussions of her evil, she’s not remorseful.

Take any thoughts on Reconciliation or Divorce off the table for a few months. Just separate funds, love your babies, and keep your distance from your cheater.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Don’t include your cheater in plans, activities, decisions. This is the time to turn your back to her. YOU deserve. Take back your life and happiness.

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 9:12 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

I understand that some of you may look at me as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but when I married my second wife, I shed that persona forever. She did not.

I certainly don't look at you in that way.

She’s convinced I cheated on her during our marriage and I can say with a clear conscious that I did not.

Believe it or not, that's super common (a cheating spouse forming a firmly held belief, without evidence, that the betrayed spouse cheated).

20yrs,

You are 100% correct. She’s only looking to save her own skin right now. She only cares that I’m not going to leave her. She’s starting to go to an SA meeting this week, but guess what...? It’s mostly men. One Rico suave will take her down in a few weeks.

Grace,

You are my spirit animal. Thank you for being supportive. You know I’m flawed, but you also know that I’m going through hell.

Now anyone that reads this will know my history, including my mottled past with my first wife.

I am not perfect, but I learned my lesson from my first marriage. I thought I found true love in my second.

For now, my main goals are to live my life, love my kids, and make it to fantasy fest in October with my best friend.

Guillermo,

One day, I hope your wife will earn the spot of your best friend

She’s starting to go to an SA meeting this week, but guess what...? It’s mostly men. One Rico suave will take Her down in a few weeks.

Yep, it's a hen in a fox house.

Guillermo,

We’re all flawed. Look at my signature line. How many times have I had DDays? I am gullible and believe him when he ask me for another chance m.

Then another DDay hits.

At this rate, I wish I found an ugly man to spend my life with. This one’s a dud

I’m sorry you’re in the same boat

A man doesn't have to be ugly to honour his vows.

I think the issue with being attractive is the amount of offers you get. Trust me, I’ve had a ton of women want to get with me. Some of them were stunning, but I loved my wife.

I played the tape to the end. Had I cheated, it would’ve destroyed my own self beliefs in my marriage.

I’m glad I never did it.

Though, with that said, I will now use my super powers for evil.

Lol

I’m kidding, I’m going to be sweet.

now she’s soooo remorseful and looks at me like I’m the sexiest man alive.

Update, she’s finally admitted that she’s a sex addict.

Worst part, sex. I have a drive like a teenager.

Yet, the lawyer in me is saying, “I can be charged with adultery”

Guillermo

Given the above I would get a divorce on friendly terms and have your ex be a friend with benefits.

[This message edited by Michigan at 9:32 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

G - for an SA to go to a mixed gender meeting is unacceptable. End the marriage if she goes. That was my fWH's M.O. His K.I.S.A. was majorly attracted to damsels in distress and his mixed gender meetings were full of victims and predators. Both genders behaved that way.

She needs to go to a non-mixed gender meeting and AA works fine for any addiction recovery. So does NA.

Given the above I would get a divorce on friendly terms and have your ex be a friend with benefits.

Being an SA which can never be cured and only managed her potential for STD's will be high. I think I'd look for someone safer.

You need to find the support group for spouses of sex addicts. If there isn’t one then go to al-anon. They are so very good at helping you keep it real. Addiction is addiction and bs are damaged no matter what. You will be welcomed.

You ws needs intensive therapy with an expert in SA. They often backslide, as do other addicts. Time and therapy, including group therapy, is the ONLY was she stands a chance.

I have found for SA, that a kick-ass sponsor (same gender) that she reports to at a minimum of daily, works her steps, particularly the first 4 steps, and a therapist are the best hope an addict have for recovery. SA groups are bad news, unless she finds an all-women group.

Given the above I would get a divorce on friendly terms and have your ex be a friend with benefits.

Michigan

Being an SA which can never be cured and only managed her potential for STD's will be high. I think I'd look for someone safer.

Marz

Very true but he’s been taking that risk for years. He just didn’t know it. If they remain married or not he should always use condoms with her. Not only for STD's but also for birth control. You can't trust her take the pill.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:06 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Wow, thanks everyone for the advice.

Especially on the SA stuff. That is my fear. She will join a group and end up fucking them all.

She’s a sexual predators dream come true. Submissive and extremely beautiful.

Met with my lawyer yesterday and he suggested that if I’m not going to go straight D, that I get a legal separation that outlines exactly what the rules of engagement are.

This way if we go to D, it’s as simple as bringing the separation doc to the court and filing as it.

I spoke to my therapist about it last night and she thinks it would be a great way to keep her under control. Holding this document over her head so she knows, one slip up and it’s over.

I then spoke to my wife last night and she cried when I told her we ARE filing for legal separation. That it will protect myself, (and her) in case we do go to D. She agreed to it.

Because, I said, I’m a year from now, you may not want to hear me calling you a whore or being nasty and would want a D anyway.