SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I realize you hurt for your son, I was in the exact same position both as a child myself and as a parent. The hardest thing for me to learn was to not try to manage my son's relationship with his dad. When we were married I managed everything and it trickled into those relationships as well. My XWH said I was a control freak and I think I tried to control everything because I didn't feel in control of anything. My DS is 21 now and in these 4 years he has been building his own life. We have a great relationship and I'm not sure it would have been this good without the D and the learning track it forced us to take. I don't ask about his relationship with his dad but it appears to me fairly superficial. WXH and OW are married now and I think she has taken over the role of trying to manage WXH's relationship with DS.

It's encouraging that your DS has asked for therapy. Your kids will make it through because they know you are the parent they can rely on. My DS tells me that all the time. Just remember, you can only control you and your STBXH is an adult - his relationship with his kids is his responsibility, not yours.

Dear HIASC,

Firstly can I say I find your posts very eloquent and clear. Your pain is also very apparent and for this I am so sorry. You sound like a brilliant mother, since your son is so willing to show his vulnerability to you.

I'm a fine one to talk, since I have no children. However it does strike me that the one person who you want to show selflessness and emotional maturity is the cheating man who got you all into this mess. Your pain probably does make him feel bad. But not so bad that he's trying to change at all. Whilst humans are generally self-interested beings, some people are more extreme on this spectrum.

From an outsider's perspective, in order to R he wanted guarantees and assurances from you (aka unconditional love) whilst not returning the favour (keeping his OW on the boil etc etc). To us it sounds nonsensical. To your ex, he has made such cognitive twists to participate in his A that he cannot empathise with the betrayed viewpoint at all.

I strongly suspect if you deliver this message of child pain to your X, he will blame it on you for not agreeing to reconcile on his terms. This will be damaging to you, and not help your son. Once your X started the A, he fired you from managing his emotional relationships. Help your son with his pain by supporting his request for counselling. Listen to him but it's up to your ex to maintain his relationship with his son, not you. You don't have to bad mouth him, but there's no need to be a cheerleader either.

You cannot change your ex or make him behave in the way that you would wish. However if he doesn't change himself, he is not a safe person to you. Imagine if you fake R, and this happened again. I can say for myself that I'm much better now, but I remember the pain of D-Day and beyond. I'm not sure I could live through it twice, or more.

HIASC - I AM sorry that D was the outcome, but I am NOT sorry you are getting out of infidelity. It will be a bumpy ride for a while, but you have taken the first huge step on the path to your healing and for that I am very happy for you!

I will second that your son A) recognizing he is not in a good spot and B) asking you for help getting a therapist is HUGE for a kid his age. And is a testament to his strength of character. Something tells me he is gonna be just fine.

As far as the relationship with his dad... I don't have kids, but I had a mom that had to over compensate for a crap father (and they were divorced). Don't coddle your DS. He knows the score, and he will need to navigate his relationship with his dad and figure that out on his own. My advice as someone who was in a similar situation at his age is to listen if he wants you to and no matter how tempting (or how richly he deserves it), don't talk shit about his dad.

Sending you strength right now!!

I am 1.5 years after Xwh left for Ow Too many issues to explain. This wasn’t the first A.

It’s hard. You have to learn to accept. The one mantra I lived hourly was do not contact. Do not contact. It was the most important one. Do not search him. Spy. Follow. Look on social media. Nothing at all. He’s gone off of the earth.

I did believe I loved him. I did believe I wanted to turn the clock back. I also recognized the impossible. I held onto to no contact with my entire mind body and soul. I cried. I crashed I started again. No contact.

I knew deep down this was a blessing. A gift. He left me making it easier to stop this endless insanity. There was no hope. I was remembering his younger sweeter days. They are gone. It is sad. It is the truth.

Buckle down. Fight that urge. Let him go. Some things cannot be fixed. Heal you. Stay busy in your health. Do little projects. Figure out your future without him. Be prepared. Be smart. Stop the emotions driving this. At 1.5 years. I know I’m better. I know it’s the only choice. I still roller coaster. The hills and valleys are less.

Do not let him flip around. On again. Off again. Maybe. He will prolly take her back when she apologizes. What do you want. ? I would figure that out. As you need to. Don’t rush. Don’t commit. Don’t accept his flipping around. It can flip back at any second.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:13 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

He's off to the Maldives, with her, just after Xmas and including the date of our 25th wedding anniversary! My boys think he's single and not with her... His gift to me in this is that I'm free of wondering if I made the right choice. Obviously he told me he's making it work with her 'because I couldn't give us a go anymore'... Wanker, he wasted 3 chances and I said to him tonight I wasn't ready to let him break my heart a 4th time, this divorce is all down to his behavior and inability to be true to me. I was livid, but now I'm off for a bath and a lovely night's sleep. X

Only ONLY talk to him

about kids or finances. Mostly there are apps for this. He NEVER deserves to hear anything personal from you EVER AGAIN. Chin up and walk ahead! ❤️❤️❤️

[This message edited by KatieKat at 3:41 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

He's only doing this because of you?

If you had a superpower which involved you being able to control him, you'd make him not act like a dickhead. Or a cheater.

He's clearly buggering off to a tropical luxury island with an AP because he wants to. A fantasy escape is way easier than facing up to his less than honourable actions.

I'm sorry you'll be going through this terrible rollercoaster, but once it's over you'll be well rid of him. I have a suspicion he has always held you back in some way, it's just that love softens the clarity of our vision...

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. You will be better. I at that he has been holding you back. Now, he's someone else's problem. It's your time to shine!

Thank you again for you replies, reading that others have come out of this awful season and being reminded that I will too really helps.

I suspect you may have a point worldofpotential

I have a suspicion he has always held you back in some way, it's just that love softens the clarity of our vision...

Some IRL friends have made similar observations, but there was a good guy in there too. Now though? I have no clue and have found minimal contact, mostly through emails, to be the best way forward. I may even block those after his next solicitor appointment as once that is done there will be nothing more to discuss for a few months. At least over the holiday season, so I can relax and not be braced every time I look at my emails on laptop or phone.

I have a lovely plan for Christmas and New Years, I am going to see people I love, catch up with my oldest friends, roll with it all being different, expect some 'moments' and remember that no feelings are permanent.

This site is brilliant, I have had SO much kindness and many useful perspectives. To be able to vent, moan, be bewildered, be honest, be a mess has been invaluable.

Thank you to every single one of you who have taken time to post on this thread. I cannot message each of you, I'd be sat in here all day and there is snow on the fells that I need to run in...Know this however- you have made the world of difference to my situation and I am grateful.

This is where I am now too but he choose her and she then choose her BS so now he really is lost, but I am not Plan B either, no way. Good luck, we will all need it!

Yesterday, for the first time since D day I had a whole day where I did not cry- not once! Hurrah, I know I have a way to go and need to take time to morn my loss and betrayal, but it feels SO good to know I had a better day and more will come.

I can see the idea/ hope of a happy future starting to take shape. It is still fairly formless, a shadow over the water but slowly I intend to plan and build it into a real thing that I can live happily in with hope and joy. To even begin to think this feels fantastic! Hang in there everyone, look after yourselves and keep surviving. xxxxx

That's great news, I'm happy for you heisasadcliche! Have a Merry Christmas!

As a newbie here I have found this thread to be heart warming, insightful and probably the most supportive advice a BS could read in the early days.

Wonder if moderators can save/ point newbies towards it?

Fellow SI members who give to others, you really are some wonderful people.

I am so very glad I found SI.

He's not just a sad cliche but also a sad sack of shit. Let his nasty cumdumpster slut have him. One low life deserves another. He's not the man you gave him credit for being. Actually, he sounds pretty weak minded. You can only do better by being bu yourself. FTG.

So I have managed SIX DAYS of no crying meltdowns...it's been so nice to feel more normal and less burdened with grief and hurt 24/7, as I have since Dday back in September.

I'm still sad but just finding myself less stunned and more able to think about it all and see the truth that so many on here have spoken to me. He was NEVER R material, he has lied and cheated, I do deserve better, it was not my fault, I WILL be ok again.

Any way, tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of my soon to be ended marriage. I am with my boys (17 and 19) and he is in the Maldives with her- he needed a holiday to cheer himself up apparently!

I am dreading tomorrow but at the same time want it to come, so I can stare it down and say it was a great 25yrs mostly. My two lads are so awesome- they make it worth even more. No marriage is perfect, ours wasn't, but he ruined it with his cheating, lying, blameshifting, narrative rewriting and feeble attempt at R.

So come on Silver Anniversary day, I am ready to celebrate the joys past and to mourn again our lost future, to raise a glass to the new unknown and to be kind to myself, free from shame or guilt, blame or accusation.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Also, you lot have been so brilliant, your messages and replies, advice and shared experiences have been such a help to me as I navigate my way through the worst experience of my life. Thanks SO much. x

I'm so happy to hear you're going well. You've been put through so much, but just reading your posts, you have a great strength about you... and it's going to pay off in the end, believe it.

Try to make a new memory tomorrow, one which honors the 25 years you put into your marriage in good faith, but also one which opens doors to the future... kind of like a divorce party. Grab some girlfriends and get your hair colored pink, or a small tattoo which declares your freedom from abuse, or a trip to a day spa for pampering your skin... whatever you can afford and whatever feeds your soul. Make it a day about YOU and how awesome you are, your Freedom Day, where you put the past in a box and open the door to the rest of your wonderful life.

((big hugs))

I am so proud of you!!

Good for you! Things will only get better from here.

Stand strong. The anniversary will pass and the realization that you are happier without him will become clear.

He is not worthy to share your life.

Did he use marital assets to take the OW to the Maldives?