SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The next step for me is to overcome my other conflict about how staying after this violates every thing to my core. What man stays after another guy does every act under the sun to his wife, in his house in his bed.

A strong man that accepts that despite the injustice of it all, infidelity does not erase all the good in a person or a marriage. On the flipside, another strong man knows himself and won't accept the infidelity.

Beyond the TT, of the bed and the post-DDay meeting, has your WW ever been honest with you about the degrading acts she took part in? As a man, I know that some scumbags get off on taking another man's woman. We see it time and again.

Has she ever been truly honest about what lies behind the acts that were specifically designed to humiliate you, WWTL?

The MC kept telling me that we should look at this as a blessing to address our issues and he will get us an even better marriage.

Our MC hit us with this a little bit too early as well. I didn't see it at all then. But, our MC is a BS who had been in the biz for three decades, so I didn't walk out of the office like I wanted to at that suggestion.

I guess the 'better' or improved aspect is that the horror show presents a rare shot for couples who still love each other a chance to operate in a truly open and vulnerable way in order to make stuff work.

As to avoiding the victim mentality, still easier said than done. But I'm working on that stuff too.

...we should look at this as a blessing to address our issues and he will get us an even better marriage. I'm supposed to listen to this shit a month after?

You shouldn't have to listen to this shit now or at any time.

Look, you know you have issues, your W has issues, and your M had/has issues. The only issues that caused your W to cheat were hers. Besides, your issues and your M's would have been fewer, smaller, and easier to deal with if she hadn't cheated.

I urge you not to spend any time with an MC who thinks M issues caused your W to cheat.

The next step for me is to overcome my other conflict about how staying after this violates every thing to my core.

But staying doesn't violate every thing in your core. You made M vows, and you know 2 wrongs don't make a right, so her violations may not remove your responsibility to fulfill your vows.

Society places a tremendous value on forgiveness, solving - not running away from - problems, love (and something keeps you connected to your W), staying out of court. Society, or at least large parts of society, views D as a failure and places tremendous value on avoiding failure.

Etc., etc., etc..

The values that support staying in your M in spite of being betrayed are in you. They're part of you. You - and almost every one of us - carry around within you lots of messages that say 'Go,', AND you also carry around lots of messages that say, 'It doesn't matter what the problem is - Stay - fix it!'

D vs R is only an easy choice if one shuts off half of what he's learned.

I urge BSes to figure out what they want, because our morals fully justify both D and R. It's figuring out what you want that makes the choice easy. (Of course, if one partner wants R, and the other doesn't, R can't happen.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:01 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

She is more than willing to do he poly. As far as how I feel about the affair, the poly won't change anything. What happened happened. Not going to try to fight the feelings or try to put them out of my head anymore. Its part of the deal if I want to stay with my wife. I am just going to have to learn to live with it.

She may very well do a Polly on her own. I would prefer she not go thru the humiliation or the expense, but I think she wants to prove to me that she never did it before, or had sex with him after DDay. Before the chorus starts, if she did itt, she is smart enough to anticipate what questions need to be asked to make it legitimate.

I am going to vette the next MC like nobody's business. When we went the last time it was chaos. This will be a calm rational decision. It's goal is not to give us a better marriage than ever. I still believe that's not going to happen. It's more for us to give each other a space to start communicating again

I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you have had enough, and want to simply move in to reconciliation uncertain if you know what you need to make it work. Blind faith. You say it doesn't matter, I think it does. I maybe way off base, but this sounds like rugsweeping.

I believe a poly will aleve your trepidations one way or the other. No way should she write the questions to beat the system so to speak. Look, a lot of errors were made that hurt your marriage these years after her emasculating affair. Reconciliation was a sham, because of unresolved anger, and hiding her cheating. Only with exposure, and leaving helped you sort through things, and attempt a real reconciliation. She felt a tiny bit of your pain.

Why not do the poly? What if there is more. You just found out there was actually more. Now you want to believe there is no more and get back together. Gently this attitude is what precipitated many years of anger, humiliation, pain, etc. Do not spend more years wondering what if.

I encourage you to do the poly with questions that will help YOU heal, and providing those answers are satisfactory then you know there will be no more trickle truths.

WWTL, you and your Mrs have come a long way, to begin a real reconciliation. Don't turn it into a detour or a dead end because you are tired or want to move on.

I am truly rooting for you both. You are a better man than me. Your Mrs. is fortunate. I hope she realizes this gift is the most precious.

Don't screw it up now.

Best wishes

[This message edited by Killian at 12:09 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

WWTL

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing. God knows that you have been through hell. I know I get a shit ton of flack on this site and others for defending my wife's solution to my infidelity. So sites like this are filled with angry and defeated individuals who want you to share in their ongoing seething anger. Don't listen. Your heart is the one talking now, and truthfully, a few weeks of mental illness out of decades. It appears that she has done her sentence. I did mine as well, but, to some here, no sentence other than life is sufficient. That sit by their computers watching and waiting to tell someone with a fresh or old wound that any decision other than divorce is a bad decision. Sorry, those folks think that justice is only meted out with death sentences.

Be well, and check in with us, there are people like me that support your decision.

[This message edited by Taxi at 7:20 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

I agree with Taxi.

I think in your heart, you know your wife has been dedicated to YOU since shortly after DDAY. Trickle Truth or not, she navigated through trying not to step in land mines. None of us, BS or WS, have a clue of what to do usually. We do the best we can. If you believe that your wife is now completely dedicated to you, then draw that line in the sand and move forward. For me I know there could be some detail I don't know. But that detail is irrelevant because I know enough and the entire affair is insignificant to my husband now. He wants nothing but me. So I'm good with that line. Trust me that if you draw the line and allow yourself to rebuild, you won't regret it.

WWTL

Thank you for sharing your story, your struggles, your love and survival. My understanding of how to move forward has been influenced by you. I still struggle with my wife's decisions. I always fall back to reminding myself that I never stopped loving her.

Well, gee whiz, count me in as one of the

angry and defeated individuals who want you to share in their ongoing seething anger

who isn't one of the people

like me that support your decision

This so obviously a self righteous position from someone smug in the outcome of their own path that it's the template for all to follow. Someone who hasn't been around very long or read very much. This is an extreme insult for the many who have invested much time and effort into providing support and opinion to others whether BS or WS. Everyone's path to healing is different. Some want all of the details. Some want none. To make blanket statements is a disservice. What works (worked) for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

I don't know, WWTL, if you are doing the right thing. And it doesn't matter. What matters is if you believe you are doing the right thing. I suggested going through with the poly just to buy a piece of insurance or assurance. The decision of whether to do the poly, re-invest in your marriage, give it another go or continue to separate your lives is entirely up to you and how you read things.

Again, strength to you for whatever decision you decide to make. And best of luck with it. Do what you need to do.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 9:23 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

Taxi,

That was an idiotic comment. Nobody is projecting here except for you. You are angry because after you had an affair with a MENTAL patient and your wife used that as justification to fuck some random dude. Nobody here who is suggesting a poly is suggesting it as a punishment. It is simply to give a basis for WWTL to begin trusting his wife weeks after getting a major piece of trickle truth that his wife lied about for YEARS.

WWTL I am willing to bet your wife has at least one more bit of trickle truth for you. Try and avoid the temptation to rugsweeping and invest in a polygraph. You don't want to be back here in another six years with another DDay.

FG, One comment:

When you have been at this for 30 years vs 2, then we will talk. A little more distance before you can comment on my life.

Thank you fearlessguster.

Taxi..your post was incredibly insulting. No one is sitting by their computer ready to pounce. And I don't recall.anyone suggesting she should be put to death. Many of us stick around to give back to the community that saved our marriage. We are not bitter. And most of us on this thread have reconciled. We have been with WWTL since his first post here. We know he loves his wife. We know she loves him. We also have been witness to the incredible pain he felt after she dropped a TT bomb several months ago. We also know how he felt after the latest bomb. The suggestion of the polygraph is so he doesn't have another bomb go off and set his healing back.

WWTL...you need the polygraph before you invest anymore into this possible reconciliation. It will give you some peace. No one wants to polygraph their spouse. But she's shown she has a tendency to hold back important information. Get the polygraph out of the way, then see if you can move forward.

Also...all of you suggesting WWTL draw a line and move forward...He did that..or tried to..for five years. Only to be slapped with that TT bomb. He doesn't need a line. He needs the entire truth so he can finally process it..And then move forward.

I think most of the suggestions for a poly at this point are from the heart and from concern.

But I understand WWTL's call as well.

At some point, you know you have enough of the story. My wife held back that last meet-up with her AP as the very last deceit by omission as well. It was the last of the Trickle Truth and I understand why. It offers our WS some sort of closure to be able to tell AP they are done. But I still hated that the info was held on to.

I didn't ask for a poly. I'm not going to. At some point I have to start trusting again at some level. I don't see a poly as a punishment, I just see it as a symbol of ME not being able to move forward. My wife will take one, heck at this point she would do anything in this world to show she is all in -- and THAT is what I need, not test results.

Is there one more encounter? Is there one more phone call? Does it matter?

What does matter is genuine change, genuine remorse and a base level of love -- something to work with.

I respect whichever way WWTL goes with this.

A poly is useful only if it will affect the outcome. My guess is that wwtl knows that.

I see human beings as having 3 decision-making systems: 1) head - logic; 2) heart - desire; and 3) gut - intuition. When they all align themselves for one outcome, that's likely to be the best solution (although that's no guarantee of success).

So vet candidate MCs with your head, but I urge you to use your heart and gut, too.

Bro, You're making decisions for the rest of your life. Take the time you need.

Wwtl,

I'm happy to see you've made a decision and fwiw, I think it is a good one. I can almost guarantee that I dont know every detail of my wife's affair, but at this point it doesn't matter. It was bad enough. It was aweful.

We're actually doing well now after a hell of a lot of work and pain. I'm coming to a point where I actually believe myself when I say "forgive".

We went through 3 MC's. The last one was really good. He specialized in EFT (emotionally focused therapy). It really helped. We both learned to empathize with each other. My wife cried at every session but we always left in a good place.

I'm pulling for you two.