SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In response to sewardak - of course everyone processes at different rates, but I see many people on this site who are stuck somewhere in their processing. Look I processed this stuff and still process it, but the truth is that when I stopped allowing the processing to control me, I began to heal. I CHOOSE how much time I want to spend processing it now. Sometimes I have a trigger- it's up to me if I want to say "what my husband did is unforgivable and my life is ruined and I didn't deserve this and on and on" or say "that really sucked. It makes me feel really sad. I really wish it hadn't have happened. Now it's over though and let me remember how awesome my life is".

I admit this approach doesn't work in the beginning. Quite honestly it has to wait until you feel safe (either with or without your spouse), but it does work. And apparently I do help many people here, so I kind of feel like you criticizing what works is silly. It doesn't work for you. Fine then do what works for you, what is that by the way?

WWTL - you actually are at the very right mindset. You are well on your way. You are at a place I once was - the my life is better with my husband than without him. In fact when I'd ask myself how could I ever accept this or move past it, I would imagine life with us apart and to me (and to him) that was a tragedy. My life without h, despite this, would be worse. We'd both be fine. But we'd NEVER get over each other. Actually a lot of our conversations are about people we know who divorced and now aren't really happy. We believe they both had more regret. You are right- the stain never goes away. But it does fade and one day you might realize that you've spent an entire day without it popping into your head. It doesn't mean it's gone, it just means that on that day the stain became insignificant because life that day was more significant. You've made me very happy. I only stop in here to check on you 😊.

letting time go by w3irz, and allowing new memories to slide over the old painful ones, is what works for me. realizing my life is better married to him than not married to him. always having one pinky toe out of the marriage is what works for me. many people have told me they feel the same way.

it will never be the same - it will have to be good enough. I'm a person who has to know everything so assuming the worst - well the worst would be a dealbreaker for me.

i'm very happy with my method. i can't believe how far we've come, including much stuff that i've never mentioned on here. in fact i don't think I've ever told my story.

but when people come on here and talk about trauma and how making a decision to get over it - well, that really irks me. if only.

i'm very happy with my method. i can't believe how far we've come, including much stuff that i've never mentioned on here.

And that is awesome that your method has absolutely helped you. But why begrudge a different approach that worked for someone else?

but when people come on here and talk about trauma and how making a decision to get over it - well, that really irks me. if only.

For me, it is absolutely a decision. It is how I managed my entire existence -- including being abused as a child. It is how I got beyond losing my father to cancer too.

And to your example of PTSD, I'm a Veteran, my brother is 30-year combat Veteran and was the senior enlisted advisor regarding PTSD. The answers on how to treat it vary greatly on the individual. Sadly, we lose so many Vets everyday who never process the pain of it all. He is one of those people who decided how he was going to let his trauma bother him or not. Most of his brothers and sisters need intense therapy for much longer, some for the rest of their lives, but not everyone. At some point a number of vets do heal.

Same with our community here.

Heal how you need to heal, but anger at someone else who has a different approach is something I do not understand.

"Heal how you need to heal, but anger at someone else who has a different approach is something I do not understand."

I'm not angry. I'm asking folks to be a little considerate about telling people to just get over it and stop being a victim, which is what W3iRZ said when she replied that essentially after a year, you make a decision to move on.

if what you say is true about needing help for a while, old wounds:

"Most of his brothers and sisters need intense therapy for much longer, some for the rest of their lives, but not everyone. At some point a number of vets do heal."

then we need to not put a time limit on people's healing.

I'm not angry. I'm asking folks to be a little considerate about telling people to just get over it and stop being a victim, which is what W3iRZ said when she replied that essentially after a year, you make a decision to move on.

I read it as what worked for her and why and she hoped sharing her information would help others. She did note in her second post (and again later) that agrees with you about not having a deadline:

Everyone's time frame is different, but the point is -- decide to become a survivor. Choose your future.

Ultimately, I think to help WWTL - that your perspective is just as important - because that's why I think we keep posting here - to offer what works for us, what helps us and we leave the rest. Or we make a combination of all the advice and try to get better.

We are agreed that there should be NO deadlines on healing. However, if people do heal at a different pace, in different ways, then I want to know about that too.

I'm glad you've made a decision WWTL. Just deciding has to be huge relief. I envy you.

This is a bit off course of the thread. I think the choice to get over it is sometimes out of one's control. It's easy to say "I'm over it and it doesn't impact me anymore" or even "I forgive you". Words are cheap and easy. I don't think pain, triggers, or mind movies go away because you decide you're "over it". Trust doesn't magically return because you've forgiven someone. We can work on processing the fallout from what's happened. We can punish, goad, rage, and feel sympathy. We can take comfort in WS's remorse. We can say to ourselves, "sure WS did x, but if they did y or z I would leave". We can say another d day is the "real" dealbreaker. We each have swallowed a shit sandwich garnished with some pride and said to ourselves that's it, this is my line - no more. You all (w3irez, seward, etc.) are all really saying the same thing. Ultimately, you decide whether you stay or go. I've stayed myself. In some ways, things are better in the marriage now, but there have been terrible losses too. It is hard for me to tell if I've made the right decision. How I feel about it varies daily. It's hard to not be bitter, jaded, and resentful for being unwittingly placed in this situation. The thing that nags at the back of my mind now is would be happier without my WW. Do I dump the wine stained sofa and get a new one? Or fuck sofas, do I need a futon? Am I deluding myself by staying? Am I selling myself short and settling for sorta happy instead of having an untainted M? Cheating is a helluva thing. I won't begrudge any BS that gets over it by any method.

I didn't decide to get over it. I didn't say I decided to get over it. I said that I CHOSE to be a survivor instead of a victim. I still have triggers, but the way I handle them is different than when I was in devastation mode where it was all about the wrong that was inflicted on me. Now when I have a trigger I acknowledge it as the shit it is, but I CHOOSE to not give it a lot of weight because my current reality is quite amazing. Remove my husband and our relationship from the picture for just a minute and let's look at my current life: 1) I have 3 amazing teenagers who are very good kids and I just inherited a 4th teenager who now lives with us. I get to gracefully guide these kids into adulthood. I get to hear their laughter daily. My mom is still with us and I enjoy her emensely. I live in a beautiful place with beautiful scenery. I have lots of friends. I just finished my degree for my life after kids career as a teacher and I am very good at being a teacher. See there is so much to life that I was missing while I was a victim. As a survivor I can enjoy my present day everything. I could barely survive as a victim.

I didn't choose to get over it. I chose to change my mindset. If I one day am over it, that will be a bonus. Right now I'm just happy to have control of my life back.

I actually feel just as you do W3IRZ. i have so much to be thankful for. i'm so grateful for so many things in my life. I'm not sure i decided to be grateful. I just feel very lucky. it certainly wasn't an active choice. it came over me slowly. i don't feel like a victim or a survivor, just having lived life and all the good and sucky things that happen.

today is a triggery day for me due to circumstances associated with the affair. not sure I'll mention anything. i probably will. there will certainly be no fight but i want him to know I'm thinking about it.

I think you should mention it. Yesterday I had a trigger while we were snuggling it wasn't anything major. I just was reminded of something that took me right back there. So I described it for him and he got teary eyed with me and then we moved on to the next topic. I didn't go down the rabbit hole. In fact I wasn't even near the hole.

Notice I don't and didn't rug sweep. I just choose to give the triggers and negative associations less time. And the less time I give them, the more I enjoy my current life. Basically I get further and further away from something that if I could, I would choose to forget. But I can't so I do the best I can. But to get there I made a choice to stop spending so much time dwelling. The more I divert the thoughts, the easier it gets to just focus on the things that make me happy. So it's a choice. Sometimes it's a choice a couple times a day. Sometimes it's a choice 20 times in a day. But I choose how much time I give the thoughts before I switch them to something else. Therefore I am in control of my healing.

Truthfully I've spent more time thinking about it the last few days because of this thread than I have in a long time.

Seward also - I'm glad you are finding some things to be grateful for. Keep focusing on those things and I know you'll be just fine.

I also didn't take w3 remark as a get over it. I think she was more of changing my mindset.

The truth is I don't ever expect to be over it. For me the choice is to learn how to live with it being a part of my life. It's not what I planned for us, I am just going to have to change the plan. Again, not that we won't find happy moments, but when I look at her it just isn't the same. She knows this and frankly it's a much bigger deal for her than it is for me. It's the thing she needs to learn to live with.

Things are ok. We are starting to make plans to head back home in the next month. I plan to rent while the house is on sale. I can't believe I stayed there so long. I attribute part of my better outlook is to be gone from that house.

I do appreciate all of the support. I feel like I made the right decision. I just wish I could feel good about it.

I also didn't take w3 remark as a get over it. I think she was more of changing my mindset.

The truth is I don't ever expect to be over it. For me the choice is to learn how to live with it being a part of my life. It's not what I planned for us, I am just going to have to change the plan. Again, not that we won't find happy moments, but when I look at her it just isn't the same. She knows this and frankly it's a much bigger deal for her than it is for me. It's the thing she needs to learn to live with.

Things are ok. We are starting to make plans to head back home in the next month. I plan to rent while the house is on sale. I can't believe I stayed there so long. I attribute part of my better outlook is to be gone from that house.

I do appreciate all of the support. I feel like I made the right decision. I just wish I could feel good about it.

I didn't choose to get over it. I chose to change my mindset. If I one day am over it, that will be a bonus. Right now I'm just happy to have control of my life back.

W3, I did the same thing and it worked for me. It's all about attitude. I found that the quickest way through this whole affair mess was to relinquish the blame game and take ownership of my own happiness.

I feel like I made the right decision. I just wish I could feel good about it.

I think you did too. Either decision would have been a difficult choice. Don't second guess your decision. Tear off the rear view mirror and keep going forward. Good luck to you.

I do appreciate all of the support. I feel like I made the right decision. I just wish I could feel good about it.

If you had made the right decision, you WOULD have felt good about it. It's as simple as that.

The last line about the decision was stupid, poorly written, and not really true.

It is the right one, I do feel positive about it. I should have written that it was one I wish I didn't have to make, or written nothing at all

Sometimes when I read and post it brings back feelings and emotions that cloud my writing

It was a stupid thing to say and I apologized to mrs WWTL, and slept like shit

WWTL

The impression that I have, I may be mistaken, is that as the Affair never was really well addressed you were in limbo for 5 years, living in the house that the A took place (big issue), living an independent life (not like single but doing whatever you wanted). I know you are the victim here but I would like to bring your attention to your wife, as I believe she is a victim too.

Your WW is a victim of herself, a victim of her choices. Seems like now you have all the info about the A but maybe you should take a look to what happened to your WW from DDay to now.

As you pointed out, your WW is having a hard time accepting her reality and I think she has been for a while. Maybe she has been living in hell for a very long time, considering that she was/is very afraid of losing you for good or even hurt you more. Living in that state for a long time, I believe, has taken a big toll on her as she may be afraid of you in general (not physical hurt but to make you go away for any small mistake non A related).

That may explain why she was hidden the last encounter. Also, from other of your threads, seems like she was afraid of been exposed to family and friend at the begging, but then she was OK letting everybody knows what happened. I think it means that her pain evolved, she adapted to survive the mess she created.

May be would be a good exercise to go through a time line of what happened since DDay to her. I think you will be surprise of what has been going on in her mind all this time, how her surviving mechanism adapted her behavior, how she has been surviving more than living... IMO this would help you humanize a bit your wife a it more, open a door for her to share her fears and feelings as seems like she was walking on eggshells, trying not to disturb you for a very long time.

I am not saying she doesn’t deserve the consequences she faced and is facing; I am not saying that you are not the innocent victim here. I am just saying that we all need to live with the things we have done and sometimes a hug, a kiss or a tender look can give us great comfort and change everything.

There is quote in my language that says “Love me when I deserve it the less because is when I need it the most”… I believe it fit you situation very well at this moment.

Good luck

WWTL,

Very good advice has been given. I commend you for working through this difficult situation. I still very much believe a polygraph will help.

There need be only two questions.

Aside from the contractor, while married have you had sex with another?

Did you have sex with your affair partner after your cheating was exposed?

I think knowing without doubt what is the truth will help with your future.

There needs to be no more skeletons.

Best wishes

Healing, her writing a timeline, or something describing what she has been through from her perspective might be a good idea. Not sure what is left to process about the actual affair. I have all the details (pretty sure at least). There was no reason for it other than maybe a mid life crisis.

You are right about her being on eggshells since this happened. I think that is why I was able to work past this last TT after my initial anger. I certainly didn't provide her with a safe place to do it. In fact we spent a good amount of time in IC talking about my reasons for not giving he that space.

Reason number one was I was totally pissed off and felt she didn't deserve to be safe (obviously not physical). I was hurt, angry, humiliated , and felt if she thought I was one foot out the door if she made a wrong move, she brought that upon herself. And the truth was I was one foot out the door.

The other reason, and this wasn't as conscious, I was testing her to see how much crap she could take and force her to do what I wanted which was throw in the towel. But she didn't.

The last was me becoming my parents. If you remember our marriage was pretty good and she did this. So in my mind if she did this in good times when she was safe, I created a fear of god situation, like my parents did to me so I would be afraid of them if I did something wrong. That didn't always work out so well as I was a sneaky shit. :)

I know she has suffered. That was one of the issues I had staying together. I actually felt bad for her from what I was doing. That created all sorts of inner turmoil for me. Made me feel even weaker than I felt. She does this to me, and I feel bad for her??

I do know this cycle has to be broken, and we are going to do some MC when we get back north. This is a big step for me as the first go around was such a disaster. The MC kept telling me that we should look at this as a blessing to address our issues and he will get us an even better marriage. I'm supposed to listen to this shit a month after?

The next step for me is to overcome my other conflict about how staying after this violates every thing to my core. What man stays after another guy does every act under the sun to his wife, in his house in his bed. I guess it will be me if I can work hard enough. It is still a big issue when we discuss in IC. Frankly, I know I am staying now, but this is one of the reasons that will ever get us back to what could have been. The anger and humiliation no matter what she does will stay with me until I die. I just need to cope with it and keep it under control

Maybe getting her story out in a way that reaches me and lets me see her pain, which I do, but don't really acknowledge, will help me get over it

As for the poly, I need to work on trying to be a normal married couple again, and it isn't so normal to hook your wife up to a machine and ask her questions. So I am going the route of having an MC give us a safe place to get anything else out before I go that route.

I do value all of the input I have gotten here

Does your wife want to take the polygraph? I though she was trying to set it up?

The next step for me is to overcome my other conflict about how staying after this violates every thing to my core. What man stays after another guy does every act under the sun to his wife, in his house in his bed.

That is the $10,000 question all BH must face.

Good luck man. I really hope you fare well through this new phase.

WWTL

Seems like what huts the most for you is the humiliation, maybe you should use the poly to answer question related to this matter.

There is a couple of BS in SI that experienced very humiliating things:

• One ting thing was WW and OM playing footsy under the table with BH present.

• The other was OM screaming the name of BS (if you could see me now “BH name”) while having sex with WW.

I am not saying that your WW did any of these things, but you may ask questions related to meeting with OM while you were present, badmouthing you with OM, letting OM badmouthing you, what was las meeting about, etc. Whatever that you feel is important to know.

This poly may be the corner stone of your new relation.

Last thing, remember that R is not a must, you can change your mind tomorrow or in 10 years.

Neither D or R the gold!!!

The gold is to heal, the gold is to stop surviving and start living again and enjoy every minute of your life. D or R is you’re the path for you to choose.

Good luck