SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I only wonder if there is something I can say to get her to come home immediately... probably not.

Yes you say “if you go to see him for even 10 minutes no need to come home early or come home at all. I can forward the D papers to New Zealand”.

Take your lawyers’s advice and don’t respond. All you’re going to get is bullshit.

As far as “only getting 2 days with him”. Must be something special going on those first 2 days in order to not fly home. There must be only 1 flight a week from NZ. Totally understandable....

Our friend over there messaged me saying “I spoke to WW and she said you could come to NZ by yourself sometime”. I wonder if WW told her I was “mad” or something. I think I will just let her know I appreciate the offer, but that my life is in transition and my priority is with my kids.

I wouldn’t respond.

I don't think I've read this anywhere, but are you paying for this trip and if so, why?

“I spoke to WW and she said you could come to NZ by yourself sometime”

Sounds weirdly deceptive/manipulative and like there's more to the story of the conversation this friend had with WW. With all that's going on, this text at this moment? How good is this friend to you? Better friends with WW?

Just want you to see this for what it is: a weird, oddly-timed text.

I agree with Sharkman, best to not respond to that. However, we don't know the dynamic of this relationship you have with your friend. If you find yourself in a place where you feel you really *need* to respond, or it would be weird not to, you don't need the entirety of your planned statement. A simple "I appreciate the offer" is neutral and fine. A statement about your kids or your life to this person is unnecessary and could backfire on you in any number of ways.

I am paying for this trip, unfortunately. When she scheduled it I was suspicious but not certain of the A. I am told by my lawyer that I can be repaid the $$ for her 4 trips when/if this goes to D.

I had my heart in this so deep I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I realize I need to detach from the situation entirely and I am now at least I’m prepared for D. I am still not quite where I need to be emotionally, but getting there.

Wool94, "are you paying for this trip"?

His WW has taken the money set aside for their kids to pay for this trip (and the countless other trips).

So she's stealing from her own children.

[This message edited by Booyah at 6:57 AM, March 10th (Saturday)]

Anon,

This is a very very difficult time. There is no magic wand to settle your emotions. Just know that the actions that you are taking now are what will start that emotional healing.

Our strength is defined not by how we handle the good but how we handle adversity. You are doing great.

Our friend over there messaged me saying “I spoke to WW and she said you could come to NZ by yourself sometime”. I wonder if WW told her I was “mad” or something. I think I will just let her know I appreciate the offer, but that my life is in transition and my priority is with my kids.

She said you *could* come. She gave you permission? How nice!

I don't really know what angle she's playing here, but she's obviously trying to do damage-control with your friend and manipulate her into thinking you're just unreasonably upset about nothing. She's not a very good friend if she thinks you'd pout over your wife getting a trip when you didn't get one.

I wouldn't reply. It will just get back to WW and you don't need that. If you already replied with what you wrote, I think that's fine, I just wouldn't reply again.

I've seen BH be asked if they are "paying" for their WW's trip or whatnot before, and I'll just point that there's really no his/hers money in a marriage. As a SAHM I take issue with the idea that I do things with "my husband's money." It's our money. That's the issue ... that she's using what belongs to both of you to cheat on you.

[This message edited by swmnbc at 7:17 AM, March 10th, 2018 (Saturday)]

Thanks all. I did reply and already regret it, but will ignore from here on out. Our friend is closer to my WW but I don’t think much. Based on the message received, my WW must have told her I was “mad” or something about her trip. It doesn’t matter. I need to detach myself from this.

I agree swmnbc, I have been the one for 17 years telling WW that it is OUR money when she always said it was mine.

“I spoke to WW and she said you could come to NZ by yourself sometime”

It has a strange hint of inviting you to enjoy NZ the way your wife is.

Anon,

Seems like desinformation begun. The friend that texted you has only the edited / manipulated version from your WW. Is something like: Anon is más antiguo yellow for lo reazon, oír marriage has Bernabéu in rocks forece, Anon is very control interno, etc. Retardo gracias OM is something, if OM ever metioned, like : OM has being a very support friend, Anon has all distorted, OM is just a friend, is agregar Guy that only wanna help, etc... You get the idea.

IMO, previously consulto gracias your lawyer, texto back the friend and ley her know that:

A) you wont / dont need STBXW (very imoortant to reference at you WW as soon to be ex, specially if you want to R) her permission.

B) thank for her concen about you but better for her to be neutral, all communicate between you and STBXW Will be thrugh lawyer. C) you dont thibk ever going to New Zelanda as everythibg would remeber you where your STBXW has sex with OM.

D) Ask her yo respect your request as is hard enougth to deal with the destruccion if your family to have more intermedaries.

Remeber that only when you went nuk you got what you wanted.

Before she arrives. Get a VAR and Carry It with you all the time. You dont know her, she can false charge you with DV .

Good luck

I would let the friend know that you're divorcing your wife because she's been going to to NZ to fuck another man so you have no intention of ever visiting there. Also since she's been the one enabling the affair you would appreciate if she never contacted you again.

Don't just let your stbxw write a narrative for anyone that puts the blame for the dissolution of your marriage on you.

I still suspect that our friend is a pawn and not the enabler in this. She lives in a different city than the OM. All will be revealed in time... WW can spin any tales she likes, she is insane and photo-documented the entire affair on her phone (which I have multiple copies of). She can try to come home and tell her family a lie (she has already been lying to them) but they will know the truth eventually.

Should I inform her family of details, tell them just to watch out for her because I’m concerned for her well-being, or say nothing?

Expose away. The greatest disinfectant is sunlight.

Is this close to the 180 regarding WW’s e-mail of desperate love, or am I still on a tangent:

>WW,

BS

[This message edited by anon789 at 7:34 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

Should I inform her family of details, tell them just to watch out for her because I’m concerned for her well-being, or say nothing?

Anon,

There is no point to hide anything now. I think you should tell anyone relevant or related to your situation about the trip to New Zealand, so that you paint a true picture of the situation before your WW returns and begins a campaign of lies. Honestly, if you wait, you will end up painted as the bad guy. There are many threads here where calculating wayward spouses have made their betrayed partners look terrible.

There are two points here:

(1) Is there anything wrong with you telling the truth?

(2) Why hide what has been done to you and the kids? Who would you be helping by doing that? Your WW? The OM? Why help them?

I think you should definitely tell the friend in NZ what has been going on, and what is going to happen as a result of it. If the friend chooses to support the infidelity, so be it, but at least there will be some honesty introduced to communications.

Your WW will do her utmost to make you look like the bad guy, and play the victim. I understand completely that you worry about her mental well-being, and as a physician you are instinctively a carer, but you need to realise who and what you are dealing with here. A person who is prepared to use money set aside for her children to fund her infidelity will have no restraint about blaming you for her actions. At the moment, you may feel that is a minor thing, but trust me, it will gain significance once people you know start distancing themselves from you because they believe what your WW says about you.

By telling the truth first, you limit the potential for your WW to re-write history and make you the villain. That is more important than you probably realise now, but if you do nothing, and let her disseminate a barrel load of nonsense, that will only serve her and the OM. And who wants to help them?

You are the good guy here, and people need to know that. We certainly do.

Anon,

I think that you should expose before contacting her. Right now it’s just her playing games. But layering in a consequence first then you bring it all above ground.

Is this close to the 180 regarding WW’s e-mail of desperate love, or am I still on a tangent:

>WW,

Your words regarding our relationship are immaterial.

It is clear that you have chosen him. We will need to be

focused on the children when you return from Auckland.

Planning really will make all the difference and I don’t

want the kids to get hurt in this. Please send me your

preferences for living and childcare arrangements for

whenever you return.

BS

How about:

"This is the last visit to New Zealand that is going to be paid for by our children. I am no longer prepared to be a cuckold, and I am no longer prepared to tolerate your infidelity, or to let you use money meant for our children to fund it. In future, your lover will be paying your travelling expenses, not your children.

When you return, we will be discussing co-parenting, separation, and divorce. You may wish to consult a lawyer. I already have.

Your betrayed husband,

Anon 789".

[This message edited by M1965 at 7:54 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]