SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did you ever read the texts?

Messages went dark after she got there. He is either there with her or onto me (or both). She does also communicate with him using a gmail account I don’t have access to (the username is her fake name).

I have been considering more and more that maybe he’s there now, but I will stick to my plan. When she tells me she is not coming home early, I will inform her it’s not okay with me and I’m ready to dissolve the marriage (which is true at this point).

-Anon

What happens in the case she’s decided to spend the entire trip with him and is coming home early as part of the facade.

I guess I don’t understand the coming home early part. IMHO she could already be home but if she already saw him then....

anon, you already told her that you didn't want her to go to NZ (she went anyway). You know she went there with the intent to meet up with OM. Why would you give her another request for her to ignore? So far, you have shown her she can do whatever she wants with no repercussions. Until you do, she will continue to ignore you.

You stated that the lawyers told you that you are screwed and your WW will receive half. You say you are broke, so half of what? Also, are you going to be less screwed by staying in a M with a woman who is unfaithful?

I have a somewhat unique perspective because I didn't have to pay alimony (my X understood it would have bankrupted me and hurt the kids). Only had to refinance the mortgage to give her half of equity and I pay CS. I know it was relatively easy for me (financially speaking). However, i still struggle. And i can tell you that my life is 1 million times better now that I am out of infidelity.

To be honest, Anon, I would tell her if you are not on a flight today and here tomorrow, consider your self divorced. The papers will be waiting for you when you get home. This is just too much disrespect. Inform her family of the affair. Inform her friends of the affair. Send her to her parent's home. Tell her "Sorry you can't come here. I don't know you. No one lives here by the name of (fake name)".

[This message edited by WilliamM at 7:48 AM, March 9th (Friday)]

I have been considering more and more that maybe he’s there now

You really need to assume this is the case.

You're on the right path. I know this is a lot to process.

My coaching would be to make statements. Don't ask questions. When you ask a question, you give her the power to make a series of deflections and excuses. And make those statements definitive . . . "I am filing paperwork tomorrow. I already have an attorney." If you say, "I am ready to dissolve the marriage," that sounds less definite.

I've been in your shoes. I have a chronic illness and I'm a dependent SAHM. What power do I have in the face of my husband and another woman falling for each other? I have the power of my self-respect. I said, you know what, I'm a catch. I could find someone else. I don't need you, and you don't seem to deserve me any more. You should be with OW . . . you two seem to deserve each other.

I think it was my self-respect more than anything that snapped my husband out of it. He had set up this ridiculous triangle where he was desired by two women and he could keep us hanging on while he decided what to do. WRONG. I exited the triangle. No thank you. I'm worth more than that. You two can have each other. (And suddenly, predictably, he didn't want her.)

Now your WW obviously has some serious issues, and her erratic behavior is a symptom of them. I'm not saying that you stand up for yourself and suddenly you've got a remorseful wife and a happily ever after. But you must stand up for yourself regardless, because deep down inside you know that you deserve a partner who treats you right, and you won't settle for less, even if it means you'll be divorced.

Messages went dark after she got there.

Almost surely this is because he is with her. They have been texting constantly right? And now she is half-way around the world close to him and nothing. There is no reason to text someone standing next to you.

I'm sorry man.

Anon:

What Sharkman said is completely correct...she has already chosen. You want to talk to her to ask her to choose...again.

In other words, you laid out a softball line in the sand, and she crossed it without hesitation.

Your response is to draw another line.

You are clearly NOT ready to end the marriage, or you would have already taken steps to do so the moment she boarded the plane.

Please, brother...please stop lying to yourself. It is killing your self respect, and likely has a good bit to do with why you can't sleep.

Please, man...love yourself enough to stop tolerating the intolerable.

Anon, you stated in the beginning this was a 12d trip. Isn't that up this Sunday?

If you wanted to R, you should/could of blown up the A. Confronted before she left and gave her D papers or,

When she got on the plane, called the NZ friend, and tell her about the A, and her using a alias of a single Brit.

She used her friend as the reason to travel, the friend may not be too pleased when she realizes she was duped into supporting an affair.

Sorry for you, the damage to your M is history now.

No more choosing on her part. Your ONLY choice now is to get out of infidelity. Divorce, change the locks, tell EVERYONE.

Anon,

Sorry for asking this but may help you.

What makes you think that doing the exact same thing will make her behave different? If she is not forced to change, why would she?

Stop doing the pick me dance, stop giving her more chances to indirectly state all over again that she chooses OM. IMO she can be clearer, you don’t need to ask her anything. If she is not in that fly, she choose OM.

Every time you ask her, every time you talk to her, you send the message that no matter what you are going to be here waiting, so why would she ever leave OM if you are gonna be there no matter what.

I am sorry but I am sure that with your attitude you are pushing her away even more.

Other hand, she may be suicidal, it may explain a lot, but it justifies nothing!!! She is applying you.

If she is suicidal then, contact all he family, all friends asking to support her and leave them to deal with her. Do it not just for you, do it for your kids, they deserve much more better. Your kids also deserve a functional parent, at least one, and based on you WW actions, messages, etc. the functional parent is you my friend. BTW being a good parent also means to teach your kids dignity and values, otherwise they will learn that heating is OK so they will cheat or accept to be cheated on, living this same hell you are experience. In a nut shell, the decision and actions to be taken are not only based on what you what but what is best for your kids.

Also notice that OM lives in Auckland, but could be traveling with your wife since day 1…it may explain a lot.

I know this is a process and IMO you are doing great. It is not important to do it quick or slow but to not be paralyzed.

Last thing, some day you will have to explain to your kids, why you did, or did nothing about your WW badmouthing them. They will ask, they may not understand what is going on but sense it and are affected by all this.

Gat your self together ASAP and protect your kids!

Good luck

Anon,

You are dithering. She successfully put you in limbo. You may not have realized it as her whole shit show unfolded. I'm not sure you can see and accept that you now bear the responsibility for remaining in limbo. All this dithering is a means by which you kick the can down the road. You remain in infidelity while you ruminate whether she is with him, whether the friends knows, whether she will come home early as promised. None of that matters. You are in infidelity and will remain in that status until you take action. To get a different result than what you are experiencing now, you must do something differently. So the atty told you that you're fvcked. What does that mean in real life terms? Will you be homeless? Will you never see your kids? Will you have no discretionary income? Will you lose your professional licensure? You are still in infidelity even if she comes home early. So why do you chose to place importance on that?

My attorney has advised me to now send her an e-mail about co-parenting, sleeping arrangements, schedule with the kids etc. for when she returns. He said to ignore all calls and texts that don’t involve the kids. He recommended against calling her as that would reinforce her behavior. He advised against anything that would disrupt the kids’ routine like trying to kick her out, etc.

-Anon

Biggest mistake was not handing your WW the divorce

papers the day before she left for her vacation to

go see the OM.

That was the time to make or break her affair with

the OM. You would of appeared strong to your WW

forcing her to decide.

Instead you made the OM look more attractive to her

and now there with the OM she does not care what

you say to her by e-words, she has the OM talking

to her live in his arms.

She's enjoying the vacation with the OM and I am sure thinks that when she gets home she can fix this with you. Good advice from your attorney which is essentially the 180.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 11:27 AM, March 9th (Friday)]

Yes, solid advice. Send a perfunctory, declarative email and then, as much as possible, stop stressing and engaging.

anon, that is progress. Things like that give you a measure of control over the situation.

Anon,

Your attorney sounds very competent and experienced. That is great advice that he/she gave you.

I agree......sounds like you're in good hands.

I know this isn't easy for you.

The only people that have the ability to hurt you are the people you love. The one's that we let down the walls and bare our soul to. You've done this with her (and she's done this with you) and thus this was the woman you gave your heart to.

This is why it hurts.

You think to yourself why in the world would this woman who has given her heart and soul to me abruptly turn around and jab a knife into my heart??

The woman that you fell in love with (and had this relationship with) is gone. The question moving forward is whether or not this is a deal braker or is there the possibility of building a new relationship? Is this something you even want to attempt?

Right now you need to man up and take care of your kids. They come BEFORE you!! They're innocent bystanders in this and every decision you make moving forward the question you need to ask yourself is "if I do _____ how does it affect my kids (in the short term and long term)"?

Good luck and be STRONG!!!

Your wife is WALKING ALL OVER YOU.......MAN THE FUCK UP AND SAY (AND DO) WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!!

Listen to what I'm saying to you right now, YOUR WIFE LOVES HERSELF MORE THAN HER OWN CHILDREN.

Keep saying this to yourself because it should PISS YOU OFF!!!

Hang in there and keep pressing forward.

You got this!!