SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I find it so ironic that the majority of BS come and spew hateful things about waywards yet 90% of them are still married to their own wayward spouses. This shouldn't be used as a venue to let out your anger towards waywards, all the other forums of this site do that already.

Pinkpggy, this is an inaccurate generalization. Many BS who post in this forum give sound advice and are valuable to the overall support of the WS community.

If you have issues with a member’s post, please bring it to the attention of a mod.

In light of recent threads and events with wayward spouses of posters here, I think a little more compassion over all couldn't hurt. Everyone who posts regardless of being a BS or a WS is in a vulnerable/heightened emotional situation. Words can do serious damage.

@pinkpiggy

I do agree that there are instances where the BS should not post here, but understand that you are looking at a complicated situation from the far less complicated side.

If we started a forum for support of drunk-drivers that killed people, I'd imagine that we'd get a lot of posts from people whose loved ones were killed. That doesn't mean that there isn't value in having support for what the drunk-drivers are going through, but you must understand that as a BS it can be really frustrating to see people come here looking to protect their quality-of-life from the fallout from their infidelity.

Sure, have compassion for the WS that actually shows up here and tries to better themselves, but also have compassion for those Bs that might end up here saying the wrong thing.

Given the challenges, the moderators and guides do an excellent job.

I live in a house with my BS. I see it, hear it and feel it everyday and have for 13 months. You don't know what it's like to literally see the pain you have caused someone else and know these is nothing you can do to fix it. Let's not value one sides pain over the other. It's not a one size fits all scenario. And I agree some WS are not remorseful and in those situations it plays out differently. But I know if I came here days after d day instead of 7 months after, and was subjected to some of this, things could have gone very wrong.

You don't know what it's like to literally see the pain you have caused someone else and know these is nothing you can do to fix it.

This is exactly my point.

You and I can agree that we don't really understand what the other goes through. My point stands, in that only one of us could have prevented it.

Infidelity is without a doubt an act of abuse. It might really hurt to think of it like this, but you are looking at this through the scope of an abuser. If your husband physically abused you, how much empathy and compassion would you have for other abusive husbands?

They do their best to moderate here, and I think they do a great job. There is a reason that the stop sign is on by default... it goes to exactly your reasoning, and I think it's helpful and appropriate.

I see it, hear it and feel it everyday and have for 13 months.

To a BS, especially a new BS, you might as well be saying that you lit your car on fire, and now you are frustrated that you have had to walk to work for the last 13 months.

So, you are right in that the vitriol isn't productive, but respect that infidelity is a one-sided issue. Trust the mods to do what they do.

I agree with PinkPeggy. Many WS are traumized from their own choices. I imagine it’s very difficult to believe one thing about your self and then truly reflect on what you allowed to happen.

As a BS. It can be hard to remain in a state of empathy and then be triggered by someone newly hurt.

None of this is easy. And I will generalize by saying those on both sides actively seeking R truly wished it had never happened.

XYZ- No where in any of my posts since I found this site in Oct have even hinted at the fact that I'm frustrated (sad, distraught,hopeless,angry, fearful, yes). That couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm grateful for a 2nd chance. And grateful my B.S. showed me a morsel of compassion, and grateful I was in a decent (not great)spot when I first came here and you and the others lit into me. New wayward spouses need to know that there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It does take two willing participants to reconcile but it can happen.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 6:55 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]

Please do not thread jack for your own debates.

Keep the posts to supporting the OP please.

IMPORTANT

THIS IS THE HUSBAND

FYI, she is in full meltdown right now.

She was given information that showed that pos was also seeing another woman at the same time.

I haven’t read anything on this thread, and I don’t know if this has been helpful or hurtful to her. If you have supported her, I can’t thank you enough for your generosity.

However, I am not going to allow her to post here for a bit.

If you are religious, I would appreciate keeping her in your prayers

Thank you

Having read both threads, I pray for you and your family. For all involved to obtain resolution and peace.

I may have missed this in the reading, but why would the news/confirmation of him seeing another woman in addition to his wife and your WS bother her if she was done with him? NC has been maintained and he is essentially in her past? Is it a remnant of him being in her system or did she love him or was it too much to find out she got played by an POS predator player?

Having a breakdown is a normal response to extreme stress. IMHO, this POS is not worth the stress. That energy could be put to better use in counseling, digging into where the boundaries were weakened.

I hope she will gather her strength, return to the fight for her family relationships, her marriage and self respect with determination and perseverance. Its a tough road but many here have made it and she can too. Yes WDI, you can make it back. The road from darkness and hopelessness is long and hard but its worth it to get back to the light and to a better place in life. Dont stay in the dark too long, itll make you think that the darkness is permanent.

(((MLMM))) and (((WDI)))

played by an POS predator player?

really? played by a predator player? That doesn't help her own a choice to go outside the marriage. It turns her into a victim. She isn't. It doesn't matter how debonair or predatory he was. She still chose to acknowledge and start a relationship outside her marriage. Her choice.

I may have missed this in the reading, but why would the news/confirmation of him seeing another woman in addition to his wife and your WS bother her if she was done with him?

Something to think about. It may just be that she now realizes she wasn't special, unique, or important to the AP. She threw everything away and is now faced with the reality that she did it for what was already a lie to herself from the beginning. Just projecting here from my experience, but we waywards don't see ourselves or the AP as just being weak, easy, or the bottom of the barrel as a healthy person might see a cheater from a mile away. We fool ourselves, lie, and believe we must be special and unique for a married person to risk everything for us. We don't see the truth till we are out of the fog that we are nothing but easy. It is a hard thing to see in ourselves and admit to. I doubt it is about love. It is about seeing just how ugly we became for a lie. It doesn't matter if we believed it and were lied to by the so-called player. Why? Because we played too. We played the game. We played the APs at different levels. We played our spouses above all else. We too are players.

IMO it is rugsweeping and blameshifting when a BS wants to focus on their WS as being played in order to swallow the pill of being cheated on easier or to live with a selfish cheater a little easier. IMO it will come back to bite you in your ass. I refused to allow my wife to take that road with me. The AP was some vixen whore. Who would blame me. I just couldn't help myself and was only human. Makes it out like I had no control. A woman should have been able to dance naked in front of me and I should have turned towards my wife. If a male shouldn't get a free pass because of some BS neanderthal need to procreate, then a female shouldn't be given a pass because they were "played".

WDI Don't get lost in being a victim. Take ownership and choose to fix your bad choice. You can overcome this and you can choose to not stay stuck on who you were but who you can choose to become. It takes a ton of courage to face that person you were. It takes a lot of vulnerability to admit just who you were. You can't progress and make real change by hiding from the truths.

WDI

Praying for you.

Hi WDI

First of all I am so sorry that you and your H are in this spot. Please don’t give up on hope. Sometimes when we are faced with really digging into ourselves because will have made a real mess of things and dig ourselves into a hole that don’t seem possible to get out we just want to give up. There are tons of stories here that show that no matter how deep we are in we can always dig ourselves out. It starts with you. Don’t live in the shame of what you did. Shane can prevent us from growing and overcoming the past. You can overcome this. Be honset with yourself and your H. Face your problems head on. It will be painful for a while but in the long run it will pay off. I really hope no matter where this takes you and your H that both of you can heal from this. I hope there is hope for you, him and your M. Praying for you two to find the peace you need and the strength to move forward. It’s a really hard road but it’s so worth the fight to get there. It all starts with you. Please get the help you need to become a better person.

I can not express this enough...please tell the truth with your H. It’s the lies afterwards that really kill it. No matter how hard or painful the truth is just tell the truth. If there is any hope for R with your H please do whatever you can to help him. Please work on yourself. I hope soon you can come back and start posting again. Once your in a better spot please come back. This site is full of the tools you will need.

Remember it all starts with you and we all know you can do it! Rooting for you, your H and your M!!!!

Changed my mind about what I was going to post.

WDI, are you ok....is there anyone helping you?

I think Zugzwang makes alot of good points. It is a "tough love" message. Don't know what is really going on in WDI's mind or emotions until we get her perspective on all of this. A lot of significant things have happened in a very short time frame for her.

Most people who undertake cheating are aware of the possible consequences. She actively made deliberate complex choices and plans for a fairly long period if time.

It does seem like this was both a substantial PA and EA. If nothing else, WDI may have been emotionally more invested in the relationship than she either realized, or was willing to admit. I also suspect that full disclosure and transparency may not have occurred yet in all of this.

One of the risks of infidelity is becoming emotionally centered with the affair partner, and emotionally detatched from the marriage partner. This can happen to the point of experiencing a sense of revulsion when touched by the BS. Many accounts of people who casually become involved in infidelity also recount the unexpected changes in both the emotional and physical foundations of the marriage relationship being adversely affected.

I also noticed that, to a certain degree, WDI currently sounded like she might be somewhat emotionally detatched from her husband. No doubt, WDI sounds like she regrets her affair for lots of different reasons. However, true remorse sometimes takes a long time before it is truly realized. Sometimes it is difficult to discern the difference with some.

Just a few thoughts of mine that may or may not be relevant.