SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

not to T/J, but eye opening discussions. Its hard not to accept a failing in your part of the relationship after an affair.

Please keep these comments coming. They are helping.

I'm going to be honest here......

Depending on what's in those videos you and the other man shot he ( your husband ) may NEVER be ready to take you back. The mind movies will be etched into his brain.

From his thread I can tell the movies where numerous and explicit.

Why did you keep them? Your husband will wonder about that. You say the sex left you wanting and disappointed but then why keep the videos? To him he will think you where keeping them around as porn material. Something to hold you over till next time.

I don't know how any man can ever be with thier wife again sexually after seeing videos of the act. I just couldn't do it myself. Especially if the sex in the videos was MORE or different then normally given to him.

And onto your children. Your son is pissed because you chose an outing with your other man over seeing your son who you hadn't seen in a pretty long time. So yeah he feels slighted. I would too.

Your husband is going to struggle with emaculation and no woman can really understand the damage that does to a man. Confidence is like air to us men. Without it we drown. You have ripped apart his confidence and took a dump on it.

From what I can remember on your husbands posts you also attempted to only tell him what you thought he already knew early on. That is a form of trickle truth. He nipped it in the butt early on but if you had your way he would have never learned anything more. That shows you protecting yourself.

I also don't see a whole lot of you asking how you can help him. It's still all " how do I get him back." How do I show him I'm safe again".

When he asked you how you are doing it should have jogged your brain to ask hey husband "how are YOU DOING? Are YOU taking care of yourself? Is there anything I can do for YOU?" No not do for him to get him back but do for him to make his new hellish life just a little easier.

It seems to me like you have had a great Frickin life so far and have been the queen of your family for a good long while. You took that for granted. Your husband became the "nice guy" and people take advantage of "nice guys". Nice guys are boring. Very little work is needed to keep them happy. There is no drama or struggle or winning them over. They are already " in your back pocket " so to speak.

I might be off base but that's my 2 cents.

[This message edited by Adotta at 2:39 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

I AM NOT TOO LATE!!!!!!!!

I'm going to fix this. If it takes me the next 30 years of my life, I'm going to fix this. If he divorces me, which he will, I will fix this.

I caution you in this way of thinking. As it takes two to make a marriage work it also takes two to repair damage done in that marriage. You definitely have to carry a huge load but you will be unable to carry the entire load. Should your BS decide that this was a deal breaker and he doesn't want the relationship any longer then try as hard as you might but it won't happen.

I really think we have to refrain from talking to each of the spouses about their posts.

I see some carrying back impressions to the H as well. This is a very messy environment for both involved. I really have to say that I think it's problematic for where both of you are in the process. That's unfortunate because there is a wealth of knowledge here.

I don’t know how deeply whys can go. This forum is full of people who gave 100% in their marriage and never had full affection returned. And yet these people NEVER cheat. I really liked what my therapist said.

“Some people are loyal” “it comes down to loyalty.”

Who is a person loyal to? Themselves...current needs and desires? Or to their spouse and vows?

It’s not over complicated. It’s about loyalty. After watching and experiencing the ramifications of NOT being loyal to your vows. Can you change this horrible flaw and become a loyal person?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 4:23 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

"Adotta"

Its does not help either the BS or WS to site multiple examples/details from the others threads. In this case both have agreed to ignore the others threads as they are both trying to heal. I have a lot of respect for her BS, and it sounds like you may too. So the least we can do is respect his approach.

Besides, posting details from one thread to question motive/details/authenticity in another, only gets others bouncing back and forth, adding their takes, and instead of helping these two parents heal it becomes.

"pinkpggy"

She was falling in love with a fantasy and the idea of being wanted.

I think "Sanibelredfish" covered it pretty well. Besides "WhyDidI" made it perfectly clear... her husband did (up until he discovered the affair) everything to show he wanted her. And as "Sanibelredfish" pointed out, more so than the AP showed.

To me, "in love with a fantasy and the idea of being wanted." is no different than "I love you but I'm not in love with you" its a lie and/or excuse to cover up what is a truth. That truth may be a specific fact/detail or it may be the truth that the WS doesn't want to look deep into the dark parts of themselves that made/makes them make "bad decisions."

"tiredofcrying59"

Why on earth would anyone say, "It sounds like you were falling in love"?

Very good question! I had a lot more I originally wanted to say to go along with my "open ended comment," but I didn't need my negative emotional response add on. I called it an "open ended comment" for a reason... beside I pictured my bald ass sitting in a leather chair wearing Freudian glass, raising my eye brows questioningly as I typed it.

And I think the next part of your comment, touches that...

Of course it "sounds" and "looks" that way, that's how the A's happen! The point is, she knows this NOW.

Does she??? Does she know that NOW???

I ask that because of how it reads, almost glowingly! Atleast that's how it reads to me.

At work, he was always looking at me and smiling at me. We would talk about everything, eventually to live outside of school. We talked about our lives and what our personal dreams were. Then, one day I realized that he had walked by me and his hand brushed against me. I wondered if it was an accident or on purpose. I assumed it was an accident but in bed I started fantasizing that it was on purpose.

Although it doesn't mention love for the guy or directly praise him like she did her husband, the over all tone doesn't read too much differently than part of about her BS...

Personally I would have expected a little perspective thrown in breaking up the positive vibe it reads with.

And yes it reads with a positive vibe... it seems to me the BS is either still within the fog or she truly looks back positively on those moments.

We would talk about everything, eventually to live outside of school. We talked about our lives and what our personal dreams were.

Really???? Is it Jr. High?

"WhyDidI"

Of course it "sounds" and "looks" that way, that's how the A's happen! The point is, she knows this NOW.

Do you know that now??

I'm going to second hikingout's suggestion turn it into a plea not do so and then add to it.

I think if you are going to COMMENT and give advice you need to DECIDE that you are going to only read EITHER the WW'S THREAD or the BH'S THREAD from this POINT forward. Otherwise I think it's being unfair to two people who came here and to all of us for help.

Think you can do it and not be tempted to blend the two together and remain unaffected by knowledge obtained from the other thread? Well human nature makes that difficult and even those trained to do so will tell you how difficult it is to adhere to. How about a situation where you wanted to point out something in this thread but that exact same point comes up in the other thread? Hard to be sure you are impartial unless you can guarantee it.

Full Confession is that I read about half of the husband's thread last week or maybe over the weekend? Time has been a blur as of late for me. I actually thought this thread was referencing another BH's thread right up until some of the details clicked into place. Although a BH myself I think I might be more helpful here and I'll stay away from H's thread.

My goal in posting here and elsewhere on this site is primarily selfish in that I largely motivated by own need to share and have an outlet where other's in relatable situations can both provide me insight into my own situation and share their stories with me. I do hope that some of what I share might be helpful for others and feel good that it might very well be doing that. However, I would hate to think that my actions inadvertently or not interfered with someone else's ability to heal. Doing that would go against my own personal religion and core beliefs. As essentially everyone here is or has gone through events they would either like to heal from or help others to heal from I would think you might feel the same.

Seadoug

I think this is a big shit show. How the hell am I supposed to comment here on her thread and pretend information and perspective given on her husband's thread doesn't exist?

I also think it's highly unlikely that he and she are not reading eachother posts. There is just WAY to much temptation. In her position I would read his thread as well.

And yeah I will mention parts of his thread. She talks about her kids hating her but leaves out the fact they are in college and that she blew her son off to be with om. If I didn't know that fact I would be posting here about how her husband is taking it to far and involving thier kids in what they shouldn't be involved in right now. How he was being vindictive and a bad father. But that would have been a horrible post because I KNOW he is not being a bad father.

I'm not going to talk about things from his thread I believe he wouldn't want revealed or about his feelings that he writes or his plans but when she asks for his possible perspective and I KNOW his actual perspective what am I supposed to do?

She talks about reconciliation but never once talks about the pornos she shot with om and how her husband has watched them..... probably multiple times. She is leaving things out. I don't blame her persay. But still.

Maybe I should just stick to his thread and avoid hers. He is the one who needs the help most. I think that's what I will do.

I think it's a horrible idea for them to both be on this site. It creates to many conflicts of interest.

[This message edited by Adotta at 4:49 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

OP, you may very well want to go ahead and put a STOP sign up to help with cross contamination if it is your goal to do so. Maybe the mods can make exceptions for posters that have already commented here if you want to have BS insights into what happened.

Either way please take what you can use from everyone else's comments and leave the rest! It has been helping me to have a few older vets suggest specific threads that are relatable to my own situation in some way. This is a nice little trick of the mind to make it easier to gain an outsider's perspective.

It's ok just to say "I need to stop" midpost like you did. Start again later if and when you need to. Take a break or leave the site for something else that helps if you need it. (although we will get worried about you so please just let a mod know if you do decide to leave for good but even that is up to you)

I believe you are on the path to redemption. That might not wind up being exactly what you want it to be and you might not get it for a long time but it's something I honestly believe we all have the capacity for.

I just realized how religious I probably sound. Kind of funny knowing the source of all those words above, personally. Regardless, that's the way I feel just the same.

That is why it is against the rules to pull info from one thread into another. Mods will probably reinforce this sooner or later.

Adotta, IMO it's okay if you are going to read both threads but if do or think you can't restrain yourself from doing so I don't see why you can't refrain from commenting.

If they do decide to read each other's posts against what they agreed on I would encourage either I would encourage them to be honest to each other about it.

If they aren't able/willing to communicate to one another right now. It's especially unfair to them for us to interfere with their process.

Per the Mods, on pp. 2:

lieshurt

♀ Moderator

Member # 14003

Red Posted: 11:45 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2018 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhyDidI can decide for herself if she wants the Stop sign or not.

Let's all remember this is the Wayward forum, so any BS posting needs to do so respectfully. If you can't do that, please refrain from posting.

Also, there will be no pulling information from her BH's thread and mentioning it here. Do not even mention his user name.

A wise woman once said "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after.

If someone keeps stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.

id: 8131699Posts: 18624 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston

[This message edited by Drumstick at 5:13 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

I would suggest to mrs WhyDidI or moderator to close this tread. This is leading to merging two threads in to one. Husband was here first and should continue. She can still read and learn from others but reading each other posts and saying right thing isn't good for their situation

How the hell am I supposed to comment here on her thread and pretend information and perspective given on her husband's thread doesn't exist?

And yeah I will mention parts of his thread.

Could you try, I don’t know, growing up? What you’re doing is not only against site guidelines but was specifically requested not to be done by the BS in his thread and a mod in this one, so you’re apparently not reading the threads very carefully.. WhyDidI posted here for help, and is well within her right to do so, and posts like yours are just going to discourage her or drive her away.

Adotta:

- YOU HAVE A PM -

T/j

M2r2,

As your very first post on SI, you come here to “suggest” closing a thread?

There is seriously a run on the crazy here lately.

Why did i,

Your story, as you told it, was bereft of emotion. Except, for anger at posters here who dared to ask about your affair and your marriage and your head space at the time. They do that because they are honest and good and real and giving and want so bad to really help anyone who comes here in need or desperation.

The finest bunch of people you’ll never meet.

M2r2,

As your very first post on SI, you come here to “suggest” closing a thread?

I saw that and thought to myself, what's in it for m2r2 to have that happen?

I would suggest to mrs WhyDidI or moderator to close this tread. This is leading to merging two threads in to one. Husband was here first and should continue. She can still read and learn from others but reading each other posts and saying right thing isn't good for their situation.

She is in the forum that is specific to WSs. She has EVERY right to post here and receive help.