SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP - has your XWF been consistently trying to contact you since you broke it off with her?

OP - has your XWF been consistently trying to contact you since you broke it off with her?

No idea. She is blocked on all avenues of communication outside email so all I can say is I didn't receive anything yet. Now she knows where I live and knows my number so she can always show up, use another phone, or another means to get in contact. So far that hasn't happened.

You're doing great for 3 months out.

There's a LOT of grief, anger, fear, and shame that comes with being betrayed, and it often takes months of processing because it's too damned much to handle all at once.

Telling you that what you're going through is normal is not meant to diminish your pain. The point is that you are on your healing path, and you're getting better even though you don't realize that fully, yet. Recovery is very painful, difficult work, but it's worth the effort.

Keep going, bro. You're doing what you need to do.

In that case your XWF is showing that she has no desire to reach out to you in any way shape or form to apologize, address your pain, or show empathy or remorse. She could even have had one of her friends or family do the same, but has elected not to.

That in and of itself shows who she is, beyond the fact that she cheated. Cutting things off immediately and going NC was the best thing you could have ever done. She simply doesn’t care - the definition of a selfish narcissist.

You will continue to be in pain over this for a while no doubt, but you left someone who doesn’t care about you. The silver lining is that you’ll be able to reflect in hindsight about all of her negative personality traits that now appear as red flags you never saw, which will serve you well moving forward in your future relationships.

she's been cheating on you for a year. eap

Your ex fiancé has no respect for marriage and it's obvious from eap that he doesn't love you,

a few days before the wedding he spent time with ap. ex wouldn't take this risk with someone she didn't sleep with and didn't love, and she would finish her share. (1 years relationship , dont sex??)

You owe your friend your life. don't lose it.

start therapy and marry someone else.

ap can be married?

If you have friends who know and protect this relationship, block them too,

As someone who made the mistake of marrying and having multiple children with someone like your Ex, you are doing yourself a big favour.
I just turned 39 with what appears to be the perfect life, except I have a liar and cheater of a husband. I feel very stuck due to all that goes along with marriage and children. If I could go back, I would run for the hills!

focus on yourself, don't think ex (it's good she didn't call, you'll be more comfortable if she doesn't force you)
you survived.

she can marry him and continue the relationship. you have no loss.

in a few months/years you'll be moving on with someone else. Maybe you will be deceived again. These are things that can happen in your life, it's not about your honesty and loyalty, it's about the character and preferences of the person you want to be with. Your reactions to them show your personality and how you want to live.

life goes on. You are healthy and have good friends. leave the bad things behind.

oldmewasmurdered

Thank you for sharing - I am in a similar situation, live-in Fiance' of 3.5 years, and seeking a dependable approach to go forward and determine the future. I just posted my story.

takenbytotalsurprise

However all her actions seem very.... self defensive? When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated. She said things like she wants to do what it takes, but if I can't trust her then I can't trust her so what's the point. She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to

?

Contrast this with her earlier statement about how she will do anything to save the relationship. That vanished when when actually asked her to do something. Now, she feels like she made a mistake that she will be paying for for the rest of her life. There are no mistakes in adultery. She did what she did because she wanted to and it felt good. The sex had to have been good enough to make her plan liaisons with another man to get it. She risked her health, your health and her future with you to get it. So… yeah, there was sex. For her to clam otherwise should be insulting your intelligence right now.

The big question I have is, why are you still talking to her? She failed the most basic test of loyalty there is, and admitted it. You’re not married. Is this how you see your future?

Thank you everyone for continuing to give me your support and valuable advice. I feel very secure knowing that I have a group of pros looking out for me

Now 5.5 month post D-day update:

A lot has happened and I've been very busy lately, which I guess is good. Even then I've always tried to figure out my own whys (why am I feeling so much pain when I see others happy? Why do I miss my ex sometimes? Why do I feel like cheating myself when I entertain the opposite sex? Etc). I've come to realize a few things.

Possible trigger warning for new BSes. Please be warned.

1. One thing I came to realize is that happiness is a choice. Specifically my own happiness is my own choice. Now this is in context for me as a BS who is not in R. For new BS who feels their happiness is rightfully robbed from them (I've been there) maybe this does not apply right now. Anyways in my current headspace I realize that while sadness is okay, but allowing myself to remain sad is a choice, though a passive one. And that choice is on me. I am given a day today. Whether I choose to aim to be happy, or allow myself to focus on being sad, that's on me. And I will be given another day tomorrow, and will be asked to make the same choice. I will choose to be happy, and not let sadness be the theme of my healing.

2. As a logical next step to the previous point, I realize that although I have been victimized, I will not remain a victim. If I define myself to that betrayal, the betrayal will have power over me, and affect me beyond what it should (eg. On how I view trust). I have been betrayed, and that is a fact. I will not however define my being as a victim of betrayal. It is in my past no more than being sick with the cold was in my past. It will simply be a part of me, not be what I'm apart of.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 10:22 PM, Sunday, February 27th]

In that case your XWF is showing that she has no desire to reach out to you in any way shape or form to apologize, address your pain, or show empathy or remorse. She could even have had one of her friends or family do the same, but has elected not to.

That in and of itself shows who she is, beyond the fact that she cheated. Cutting things off immediately and going NC was the best thing you could have ever done. She simply doesn’t care - the definition of a selfish narcissist.

TBH how my ex-fiancee went from a sweet girl to this monster I still don't know. Was she always like this and fooled me for 6 years? Did she somehow turn without me noticing? I don't know which is worse...

@seaandsun

POSAP was single. I hope he's rotting in the 8th circle of hell right now but he doesn't deserve the effort for me to check.

@SoOverIt1

Very sorry to hear about your situation. If not for SI I don't know what I would have done. I definitely would not have been as decisive in my actions. The healing library was my Bible. I hope everything is good with you in the world of R. Sending strength!

@takenbytotalsurprise

So sorry you're in a similar boat. It's terrible heat your fiancee did :( I will seek out your post thanks for sharing! Sending you all the strength and hugs <3

@KingofNothing

Apologies if my OP is very different from my latest posts. I've since broken up with the ex-WF and have gone total NC. No kids no merged finances so it was a very clean break. I just kept posting in my own thread to chronicle my own journey in healing. Thank you for the advice however, it is a great one.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 10:23 PM, Sunday, February 27th]

You are healing well. I took some of us significantly more than half a year to figure this out!

Thanks for the update, and a very positive one at that. You are absolutely correct. Choosing each day to be positive and/or happy is a choice. Negative things happen to us all the time throughout our lives. It’s how we respond to the negative that makes a difference. Keep moving forward. Never bother with things in your rear view mirror.

Sorry that you had to go thru this. May I ask you....how did you break up with her? How did the discussion go? What happened with the Reconciliation letter that you had planned for each of you to sign?

@Tempocontour

I believe you may be referring to @takenbytotalsurprise's post since you're asking about reconciliation letter?

I can answer about the breakup part. It was very unremarkable. I asked her to meet at a parking lot and we sat in a car. Everything was very calm and without anger. If anything we cried more than anything. It was the decision to break up that was very difficult. The act of breaking up once decided was just going through the motions.

What part of the break up discussion are you interested in knowing?

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 4:54 AM, Monday, February 28th]

Older, how are you holding up
?

Thank you for checking in! Recently I've tried to dip my toes back into dating again and... I had much better luck than initially anticipated. One thing I'm trying to be very vigilant at is making sure I'm not just looking for a rebound. I recognize that being only 6 months from D-day it's easy to go into rebound mode to simply mask the pain, and that's the opposite of healing. I want to commit to something new without baggage from the previous relationship. I've had some challenge at this as some pains resurface. I don't feel the urge to grab onto any girl who shows me attention like I did about 2-3 months post D-day, but will continue to be vigilant.

One thing I found funny is that when I first started dating again I felt like I was the one cheating, even though I had forced myself to be single for 5 months at that point. Also how do WSes even keep up 2 or more relationships simultaneously? Talking to multiple dates is so exhausting! And I don't even owe them anything!

Another observation I've made is that when I'm dealing with multiple potential chats for dates, I feel more likely to compare between the options and less commited to any one person. So I feel WSes probably feel something similar when they cheat. I feel this comparison may so be part of what lead to us BS feeling our WS became more distant during their A (yes I'm comparing online dating to A lol). Cause instead of committing to the M they're comparing and judging unbeknownst to us BSes.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 8:13 PM, Tuesday, March 22nd]

oldmewasmurdered,

I have the same attitude as you. I chose to be stubborn and refuse to let what my XWW affect my future happiness and opinion of women. You can make your own misery or happiness, it’s up to you.

After my experience with infidelity, I eventually got married to a wonderful woman, and it can happen to you too, if you allow yourself to be happy

I'm glad you're feeling better. I agree with your "happiness is a choice" analysis. I was dumped by my WxGF for her AP. Thus, like you, I was never in R, or attempted R.

Unlike you, I jumped on the first woman who showed any interest in me. Turns out she was a highly damaged and broken person, which led to a highly damaged and broken/dysfunctional rebound relationship. I was hurt and lonely and this woman was stunningly beautiful, like Halle Berry beautiful, and she was vivacious and charming and social and funny. Easy to be around at a superficial level. I had no will to resist. My life was a train wreck for a few years as I proceeded to cheat on her, then on the next, until I was juggling multiple women and weaving tangled webs. I'm not good at tangled webs. It all came to a head eventually and I quit them all, focusing on myself for a year or so.

I wish you well. After I got healthy, I met a woman who was also healthy, started dating her, eventually got married, and we've been married now for many years.

I've always thought of it like fishing. Often you'll have three or four lines in the water and you sit there and watch all of the rods for a nibble. You do it with the expectation that you'll get a bite on one and if you do, you find yourself just concentrating on that. You reel the fish in and if its good you keep it, if it's too small you chuck it back.

The problem comes when all of them get a hit at the same time. You end up scrambling to get to each one and even if you manage to hook them all, by the time you manage to reel one in the others have spat the bait and swum away. If you end up chucking back the one you caught your mind then goes to "what if the others were better?" and you start to second guess yourself.

You can make a judgement call if all of them get hooked at once; which one seems to be pulling harder, is one in the weeds or is it in the deeper water etc and you can then reel the one in that you think is the better of them.

Dating online is a lot like that. You make those judgement calls based on what you can observe and then go from there. If it works it works and you get a keeper. If it doesn't, it doesn't and then you just shrug your shoulders and chuck it back, reset your line and sit and wait again.

But it is much easier to concentrate and make the right call if you just have one or two lines in the water. It may mean more work in the short term but it leads to less regrets over the ones that you think got away.