SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Sordid

Thank you so much for putting this into words. I feel like this is the next stage I am getting to. Will definitely refer back to your post a lot.

With this year finally closing I too am closing, hands down, the worst year of my life. I wish to thank all of you guys for helping me through it all. Thank you for providing your advice and support and for listening. Thank you for your perspectives and for your internet-hugs and strength. I am truly grateful for everyone who posted and provided your valuable 2 cents.

With a new year comes a new beginning! I am cautiously optimistic that 2022 will be better than 2021 (will be tough to best on the shittiness scale). Glass is looking about a third full right about now. For me, going to try to take all the SI sage advice and work my hardest. IC starts again next week. Going to try new things I've never done before and taking on new hobbies in January. Might even look to finally buy a house and have a place I can call home. My sleep is back to normal now so that's good. Am currently the healthiest I've physically been so want to keep that going too.

Will keep updating as things pop up.

Here's to a great 2022 everyone ^_^

Love the positive outlook!!

It just takes time - you can’t rush the healing phase unfortunately.

And yes 2022 will be better!

Huge 👍! Way to go.

I was reading ICR a lot (over 800 posts) lately trying to understand the WS mindset. One question I always wanted to answer was how could I not see anything coming until almost too late. Even after D-day I still couldn't visibly see my xWF lying to me, despite knowing the truth. I realized My xWF is an anxious avoidant person, who is good at compartmentalizing. That's how she is able to love me and love the AP as well (though I wouldn't classify either as true love). After D-day she had the new WS mindset of selfishness and self preservation. This was what I was seeing and why she felt like a stranger to me (I was expecting the loving girl I was going to marry). So she was in the fog or limerance. I must have not seen it coming because I was not able to pick up the warning signs such as withdraw from her (I thought we're going through a tough time like all relationships). She was never outright mean to me which made it harder for me to realize what was going on, which probably is because she is good at conpartmentalizing. So her being in the new WS mindset of selfishness means that she was in no stated to be married, and that it would have taken lots of time and pain and IC for her to.... Possibly change her ways into a remorseful WS. I know she lacks introspection skills, so this would have been an extra long and drawn out process, and with extra chances of R failing to launch due to her not willing to put in the work. So you guys were right she was no R material, not for a long time anyways. I'm afraid without me being there for her she may never have the strength to do what it takes to be a safe partner , but that's up to her now. For me I realized I was holding onto the good parts of the relationship, and reminiscing on who she was. But who she was at least for over a year was a compartmentalized illusion, possibly even longer. So my life and happiness during that time was also based on lies and weren't real. This is very sad to think about, but it helps me let go of the "relationship" we had. It wasn't real, so I need to myself find a love that IS real, and not escape into the fantasy to avoid the pain. I know you guys have been saying a lot of this already, but only now do I truly "get it". I feel lighter already knowing that. I'll be okay. I'll find my happiness...

Also one thing I'm coming to grasp with recently is that there truly is no karma or justice in this world. I've been a good person all my life, faithful, trying to help others and do good. But this is my reward. So where is the karma in all this trauma and pain? I can't find any. So just gotta accept reality for what it is. I think acceptance here will help with me constantly comparing my life to others and feeling bad for myself.

I think you're making a lot of sense in your last two posts.

She was never outright mean to me which made it harder for me to realize what was going on, which probably is because she is good at conpartmentalizing.

One other reason for this ^, she wasn't done with you yet. No, no, no she wasn't. She had a big role for you in her life - the cuckold husband.

But who she was at least for over a year was a compartmentalized illusion, possibly even longer. So my life and happiness during that time was also based on lies and weren't real.

OMWM…wow…THIS really spoke to me. Thanks so much for sharing this gold nugget. My partner’s alleged "love" and "care" for me was an illusion because he wasn’t "all in"…I was just one of his compartments…maybe thinking on this will help me to detach from him, which is proving to be absolutely agonizing.

Also one thing I'm coming to grasp with recently is that there truly is no karma or justice in this world. I've been a good person all my life, faithful, trying to help others and do good. But this is my reward. So where is the karma in all this trauma and pain? I can't find any. So just gotta accept reality for what it is. I think acceptance here will help with me constantly comparing my life to others and feeling bad for myself.

My friend, I feel the EXACT SAME WAY.
There IS NO justice in the world. We are just good people who get continually effed over with no real reason. Hopefully, our day will come for true happiness (when we’re finally healed from this horrific shitstorm)…either with or without a partner….personally, I hope I’ll find my true soulmate one day…SOMEONE WHO WILL KEEP HIS PROMISES AND NOT CHEAT AND LIE. (That’s IF I can ever trust again). :(

We each have our own metaphysical beliefs. I for one don't think there is any mysterious force impacting our lives. The universe is simply indifferent. Some people find that terrifying. I find it quite comforting.

Comparison is the source of much unhappiness.

Oldme, great insight. I don't really believe Karma is real, but you could think of it this way. You are a good person and would have been a great partner. Now you are much wiser and you understand people and relationships better than before. You have high value as a partner. She is clearly broken. Even if she finds someone else of your quality, she will probably blow it up sooner or later. If her next partner is lower quality, she will be unhappy no matter what. Her prospects for finding long term happiness is much lower than yours is. Your future is brighter now, than it was when you were with her. She is on the opposite end of this scale. I could think of this as karma.

Karma might come in the form of this; your ExWW gets into a serious relationship, potentially leading to engagement or marriage. There’s a good chance that your EX did not disclose the true reason why she became divorced.

There’s a good chance that her new partner will eventually find out about her A and subsequent divorce - whether it’s by happenstance, from you, or by someone/something else. The new partner may not care. But, on the other hand they certainly may.

Correction - meant to say called off engagement

I disagree with the concept of karma. We wake up every day and can only control the things that we can control. Worrying about karma with infidelity, an asshole at work or someone who cut you off in traffic is useless.

Cheaters however can never be happy. They cannot be happy because they judge their happiness on external validation. External validation always, always fails.

Perhaps not Karma in the Hindu/Buddhist sense (but I’m no authority). I have, however, seen a few people from my parent’s generation, in their twilight years, realize that all was not forgiven, consensus did not conform to their will, and the people they were trying to snow had just moved on.

I have also encountered the opposite, where you reflect on people who did things well, at the right time, pretty consistently, to the best of their ability. Those people grow in memory.

I realized that justice or fairness is just not going to happen. Took me a while to accept this but now I am fine with it.

Karma comes in ways you sometimes can’t see. Your exes are damaged souls. They might live on euphoria but never contentment. Euphoria is short lived so they continue to chase some nebulous thing. The best way to live your life is to put them completely in your rear view mirror. At some point you can’t see them anymore.

When you have truly healed you no longer care about karma or justice. At least that is how I am.

The OW was single when the affair occurred. She’s now married. Maybe one day after 25 years her H will come home and tell her he’s having an affair and he’s leaning her with the kids and mortgage etc. it would be fitting lol.

I’ve seen people receive their just desserts do to speak. I often talk here about my friend who married a serial cheater. He had a fiancée and OC and two APs etc. my friend D him. His life remained the same / he married the fiancée who was young and dumb. They had a baby. He cheated on her. They D. Rinse lather and repeat.

My energy is better focused on ither things. Though I love to hear a good karma story now and then

@SnowToArmPits
Well she should have asked me cause the answer was really an easy "no". Would have lasted a second not a year...

@Riverz
I'm glad you too felt the same. That was my "aha" moment that prompted me to post my recent thoughts. We spend so much time griefing over what we thought we had lost, when the reality is that we never lost those moments, they weren't real to begin with, only our own contribution was real. So why grief over something that was false? Why feel sad to lose something that was never ours to begin with (recent happiness based on their lies)? That was a major hurdle I felt I cleared to push me to let go of the grief and move into acceptance. I hope you're able to do similar.

@This0is0Fine

Comparison is the source of much unhappiness.

This is something I know is true but is sooooo hard for me to internalize. I've always been competitive (FOO I guess) so It's really easy to default to comparison, which I agree leads to pain more often than not. Any tips you guys have to overcome this?

Re: karma:
I was ranting when I posted that addendum. I honestly still wish the xWF can make the change and find happiness, as part of me still cares for her. It's just great injustice for us BS to pay for the crimes we did not commit. Alas fixating on it won't help us heal so that's another part of letting go and acceptance I guess.

This is something I know is true but is sooooo hard for me to internalize. I've always been competitive (FOO I guess) so It's really easy to default to comparison, which I agree leads to pain more often than not. Any tips you guys have to overcome this?

I don't use social media (e.g. facebook) and these sorts of things. I gave that up well before the A.

You should be able to decide whether you are happy or satisfied with almost anything without comparison. You don't have to compare food to decide if you like it or not. You can choose to compare it, of course, but it's pretty rare that comparing meals (especially to memorable meals) is increase your enjoyment of that particular meal, or give you a better idea of what it is you do or don't like about it. Instead, just focus on the experience you are having at the present.

Then, using your built in senses, decide if you want that experience or not. If you do, continue, if you do not, stop.

Sometimes "current state" isn't quite good enough, so comparison might help (typically if you are already not particularly happy). You can compare to your own past. Have you made progress? Then keep making progress. Are you stuck? Maybe try something else.

Sorry for being a bit all over the place with this update. Just going through some rough patches so thought I'd mention the difficulties I'm going through right now. One thing interesting came up during IC. I feel that it is ironically very difficult to let go the pain. It was a very interesting, and puzzling self-observation. I mean logically it makes no sense to hold onto pain. However I'm struggling a lot with just letting it go and be a part of the past. A part of me constantly digs the pain up and holds onto it as if I'm desperately looking for something from the pain.

One thing I'm still struggling hard with still is the piece on comparing my (presently shitty) life to others and feeling triggered as a result. I think this has something to do with my dissatisfaction with where I'm at in life right now. So when I see others living the life I want, or just living better than me, it reminds me of my unhappiness and triggers my anger (at the injustice). With valentines day coming up I foresee this comparison mindset (especially romantically) being an obstacle to healing in the coming weeks. I'm still trying to find ways to stop the comparison from triggering and to build up my esteem.

I think WontBeFooledAgai predicted my current issues pretty well over 3 months ago.

IME, you will have to work through the following:

1. Sadness for what is no longer there. You loved your ex wholeheartedly and saw her as your person, and no doubt you and your ex had some good times.

2. Anger and rage at the unfairness of it all. Your ex cheated on you and she had every intention of keeping that secret from you through your wedding. That is certainly reason enough for the rage. The one person you trusted to have your back, betrayed you for someone else and made you feel "less than". And yet, there is even more. Well, she sure seems to be getting off with little consequences. She absolutely destroyed you and yet she gets to make the decision to walk away from you and move on with her life, as if you're just a vehicle she totaled in an accident. This, after all her tears and pledging about about how she would do anything to make this up to you. You will likely never find out why she did what she did as well.

3. Loneliness. You're single again after a long time. Getting back into dating may feel daunting.

4. Trust, when you do decide to get serious with someone else again. That is a huge one.

I'm currently focusing on or struggling to work through all 4 of these things.

Finally I read through my original post again. Now that I can look at my situation with some objectivity, I can see that my xWF's behaviors post D-day was definitely not someone I would recommend R-ing with. So uh... good job old-OMWM for not letting the xWF rugsweep?

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 6:19 AM, Saturday, January 29th]

Its been a while since I posted here but I read your thread and understand how you are feeling. Just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is kind of the norm only 3 months out. You feel like you never got closure maybe? If you will get the truth about everything? If you made the right decision to walk away from the deal?

I remember the waves of emotions constantly bombarding me. Some waves are anger and resentment, others would be pain and hurt, regret, fear, more waves, endlessly. You were given a puzzle to figure out and she removed many of the pieces, so you are left with performing reconstruction and theories of all the events. And then you find out a new fact and all of the countless hours of processing to come up with "the truth" is put right into a shredder, so you have to start from square one. This will happen until something else or someone else occupies your mind and pushes her out.

You need to be given a prize or something because you are experiencing a real traumatic experience and are brave to be able to stand yourself up and move forward. You were a first responder to the worst event in your life. And the trauma of betrayal is something that cuts deep and leaves a lasting wound. I would say scar, but for me it is still a wound that bleeds less but it still is not healed. And its been a bit over 10 years since DD for me. At the time married for 16 years. And in my case I decided to stay married. We have 2 girls.

You seem to be a caring and honest straight up kind of guy. You wont ever forget this moment because, well, your a good and caring person. Someone with less character would be able to just forget quickly.

Im not here to give much advice, only encouragement. Every situation and person is different. So what might be right for me could be wrong for you. I can tell you this though. I made a different decision than you did and it has not made me eventually just "get over it" or answer the question "why did she do it?" or "Am I as happy as I should be compared to how happy my friends are?". At some point in time I think I just got tired of asking her or myself the question. "Why did she do it?". From her I never got a good reason. or it changed and evolved over the years to her being outright disgusted with her behaviour and she doenst even have a clue as to the why.

I finally came to a conclusion years ago that I could finally be at peace with because I knew it to be true all along. The reason she did it is because she wanted to. That is the truth.

Maybe try to be at peace with yourself, even if you dont think you feel like it. You are doing well for only 3 months. This is not easy, but I really think you will be just fine. And when you meet someone else you will be equiped to understand how fragile life and love are. And that love and hate have a thin line dividing them and it only takes an instant to wreck it all.

Be good and patient with yourself brother.