SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What I learned from SI and maybe after 2 years I am finally believing this:

NC=No new hurts.

I just went NC again on XWH because I want to stop hurting.

Our fights sound exactly like yours...

Wonderful, AD. You really are getting there. I, too, needed the repetition of contact to show me I wanted--not just needed-- to end my marriage. Sounds like you're on the same plan

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:18 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Hey AD, doing really well. Glad to see you are continuing down the path to recovery. You are absolutely right in you read that she is refusing to see reality. Her head is so far up her fundament that she can look out of her navel. Obviously that is a somewhat constricted view of the world.

I'd like you to reassess this statement however.

I'm sorry, but she brought this on, even though I am driving the divorce.

Are you really driving the divorce? Has she dropped the OM? Shown remorse and made fundamental changes to herself to make her someone to be safe with? On one hand, yes, you are driving the divorce, but it's a reaction to her actions. Had she stopped her A and made authentic choices, you wouldn't be here.

Just concerned that you might be taking on too much responsibility for the D. This is ALL on her brother.

Strength

AD. Here's the thing. I was really bad at NC because I needed to see the *cycles* that you refer to. I actually needed Sultan to act like a dick. It gave me the strength that I needed to finally say "enough."

Just remember that your stbxww's *niceness* is totally self-serving. It's all about her. She isn't interested in compromising or fairness. She doesn't care about the best interest of the kids.

I am also the one is *driving* the divorce. Just tonight, in a text, Sultan told me that I could "change now but I choose not to." Ummmm. Yea. Why would I care to change?

Just remember AD. SHE killed the marriage. YOU are only giving it a proper and respectful burial. If you left it up to her...she'd just toss that shit out the car window and let the crows eat it.

Hang tight. You are in the hardest part of this right now....and you are doing really well.

I told her that both of us there would confuse the kids.

Absolutely. My POS needed to hear that one quite a few times to learn it too..

I was thinking today about my STBX's ups and downs, all the cycles, and I was starting to wonder if it was making ME passive/aggressive. When dealing with all this crap, it's easy to be quiet and then bitch back at them, but the goal is to be ASSERTIVE. Try not to let her cycles change how YOU behave. You want to look like the reasonable parent, so don't play her games. If she's not following the rules, take your ball and go home.

Seriously Dad, you need to limit all conversations to text and email, ESPECIALLY right now if you are about to file for divorce and possibly fight for custody. And no cursing, no admitting your faults, no being unreasonable about anything cause you're pissed. Don't let her make you feel off balance. You need to be as strong and assertive as possible without being passive or aggressive with her.

Try to STOP talking about the OM, the cheating, the other marital problems. KIDS AND FINANCES ONLY. IGNORE THE REST. You said it, it's over, you don't want her anymore, so there's no need to talk about any of that anymore, and you will only look bad to a judge if you do.

That's great advice to write EVERY text and email as if a judge would read it. I have thousands of texts and emails saved, and I'm counting on a few hundred of them to help me tremendously in our court hearing coming up. Please, please start protecting yourself every way you know how..

Big hugs..

AD, just popped in to say... awesome job so far! Keep it up and never - ever lose sight of the fact that *you* did not cause this... *she* did. So if she wants to play the blame game (and she most certainly will) just keep remembering who/what she has become and what ultimately got you to this stage.

PEACE

Divorce and crazy making behavior are two different things. You want the crazy to go away, the divorce process will eventually get settled.

This is great to keep in mind. I am starting to worry too much about the divorce, which will be resolved one way or another, but her behavior is something that I can "control"--at least insofar as I let it happen and affect me.

Are you really driving the divorce? Has she dropped the OM? Shown remorse and made fundamental changes to herself to make her someone to be safe with? On one hand, yes, you are driving the divorce, but it's a reaction to her actions. Had she stopped her A and made authentic choices, you wouldn't be here.

What I meant by this is that I am the one actively pushing the divorce forward. I am the one who wants it. Of course she is responsible for it; if it were up to her things would remain status quo. I would be a good boy and continue to let her do what she wants while I remain in the role of husband.

Hey Abbondad, through all of this don't forget to take some time for yoruself and go out and have some fun. Yes, it sounds weird to say it and even do it but it really does help. The D process is just that a process, it will run it's course once you start it. Keep spending time with your kids doing fun things and time with family and friends enjoying yourself. It helps keep you on the path to your new normal. Going out and doing things gives a different perspective to pull on when STBX rolls through on the crazy train. You can just wave as she goes by without gettting on with her because you have these other experiences to fall back on that ARE normal and NOT filled with craziness.

You are doing great! I hope you are starting to feel it and know it yourself. For me it felt different to know I was moving forward towards something new and normal but it also felt great when those wobbly first steps I took turned into confident strides towards a new life that was mine to do with as I pleased. Keep moving forward!

Hi,

As I related before, things are getting predictably uglier in relation to the house. She is coming and staying at will, talking about ME moving out, or us rotating. It's just crazy and most importantly, NOT good for the kids. They are as accustomed as they are going to be to these arrangements: they live in their home with daddy and then they to to mommys place.

It's hard, but that's the way it is.

Thing is, I really don't want any ties to her other than the children once the D is finalized. I don't like the fact that we would still own the house together.

So at this point, as some of you have suggested, the best thing ultimately would be to sell the house (which would also help financially), buy my own place she could buy her own place.

It would be in a new school district but they would have to adjust. And of course they can visit all their own friends--and make new ones.

Since we are divorcing I just think that it will be best for all involved to just go whole hog and start anew, thus saving myself years of her Crazy in relation to the mutually owned house.

(It's already begun: "This is MY house too!" Etc.)

It would also cut down on the tension between us that the kids are still sensing.

Thoughts?

Obviously the mediated divorce isn't going to work. Sure, it's her house too in a legal sense, but she HAS moved out. She obviously has no respect for your wishes and continues to act as if this will all wash out in the rain.

Go nuclear. File for D and custody. Fun and games time is over. You will never have a better shot at being awarded custody than you do now. She voluntarily moved from the family home and left the children in your primary care.

Your lawyer will have better advise, but it sounds like she's getting some legal advice on her own. She's beginning to reassert her presence in the kids lives to establish a framework for her getting custody. Have a judge set up a schedule and eliminate this back and forth. You're absolutely right, this isn't in the kids best interest.

Glad to see you are on the right page as to who is driving the D brother.

Strength

I have not been through the D yet, so I don't have that experience, but I think what you're saying sounds totally reasonable. I don't know if this is ever done where you are (it is here), but you might also consider contacting the superintendent of your current school district and see if they would allow the kids to continue to attend, at least in the short term, their same school. It would break up the big changes a bit and maybe allow some time for adjustment? Just a thought. Otherwise, I think you are right on to just wash your hands of her and start new. At this point I doubt it's about the house for her, it's about the control and getting one over on you. It's a shame she can't stop for a minute and put her children first.

My thoughts?

My thoughts are: MY GOD, what a difference a few months made for you. I am so impressed and so "wowed" by your transformation, your will, your drive, and your dedication to making a better life for your kids and for YOURSELF. You kept coming back, you listened to all of the advice, and you have seriously CHANGED.

A month ago you said that the kids could "never survive" changing schools (I am quoting but you may have used different words, just a similar gist). You said it would break them. A month before that, you said that a divorce would break them.

You are realizing how resilient you are, and how resilient your children can be when they need to be.

I think that even if the divorce gives you exclusive right of the house, your wife will ALWAYS use whatever means are at-hand to weasel around with you. I think that selling and buying something you can safely afford and feel HAPPY in will be wonderful for you and for your kids.

But no matter what, I am so so so impressed with the changes you have made.

Have you ever read or watched something about treatment for OCD? It's fascinating. You can find a show called "obsessed" on Netflix if you're interested. Basically the most effective treatment is exposure to the anxiety-producing thing. Over and over, so that the brain learns that even when anxiety spikes, it ALWAYS comes back down. The spikes get less and less, and more and more manageable. It is painful to watch and excruciating to go through. But the folks who stick it out almost always show remarkable improvement. It is the bravest thing I've ever watched, and I got to "watch" it here with you.

Keep going. You're doing it. You're already halfway down the road. The rest will just be details and cleanup and it'll be hard but the hard part is halfway done. Great job.

Go nuclear. File for D and custody. Fun and games time is over. You will never have a better shot at being awarded custody than you do now.

^^^This for all the reasons he stated. If mediation looks to be a bust file for D and custody and let the lawyers hammer out the arrangements. I can't speak to your state but I have seen other posts around here where some were able to have there lawyer get them exclusive use of the marital home during the D process. Go for it now if you can while she still has her name on the apratment lease.

Misery loves company so don't be surprised as she ratchets it up even more. No matter what happens always keep yourself calm. She will be looking for ways to throw you off your game.

If mediation is working great but if not go ahead and go the D route and ask for what you want with your L. Just be prepared for the mind games and fuckery to continue for as long as this process goes on.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 12:59 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Personally I think selling an starting fresh will be very good for you and your kids. She won't have any mark, or scent on a place that is ALL YOURS. Thus providing a safe place for your kiddos too. Many of us moved as kids and started different schools and we all lived and weren't destroyed by it.

The way the world is now its very easy for the kids to stay in touch with old friends if they choose to.

Quite honestly I think it would be hard as hell to stay in the marital home after a D. Too many memories and her crazy ass will be telling you that it's both your homes even after a buyout. Don't give her the option, take control.

I would also like to add that if she is randomly coming and staying you need to steer clear of her. Stay in a separate room and be very clear with your kids that you are still divorcing and that you gave NO control over what she is doing and let them know that you are not mad at them when you are cold withdrawn and seperate yourself when she's around it's because you can't be around her anymore. They know you are divorcing. Being honest with them will help clear up any confusion that they are having because of her bullshit.

Stay Strong AD. YOU are doing this. YOU are going to survive it!!!

Personally I think selling an starting fresh will be very good for you and your kids.

I really am thinking this more and more. I need to break all ties with her, and she is just going to keep giving me grief over the house--whose home it is, how much she is contributing financially to it, etc.

And you are right, as usual. The kids will be Ok. It can even be exciting for them.

Plus it is too big to keep up and frankly, I am depressed living in it. Too many memories. And what about when I meet someone? It would be uncomfortable for her to be in the home--to say nothing of my STBXWW, who would freak out.

But I can't force her to agree to sell, so I am not sure what to do.

Suggestions?

AD, oh yes, you CAN force her to agree to sell. It's called a partition lawsuit and is done all the time, at least here in VA. Basically you request the court to have the house sold and the proceeds are split (i.e., partitioned) between you. This can even be done when there is no divorce.

My advice? Don't talk about selling the house yet. Talk to your attorney. Stop talking to her and telling her of your plans.

This is going to be a 2x4 for you. How many times a day do you talk to this woman? You truly need to stop engaging so much. It wramps up your stress and just like many BS's you start thinking the worse scenario and getting crazy over things that are months or possibly years out.

Right now deal with learning to detach some more. Wear a rubber band and snap it hard whenever you want to call or she wants to talk to you. Stop all of it. From all of your posts it looks like you talk to her about all of your issues at least once if not more then that PER DAY. This will make you crazy. Trust us.

The house will be worked out down the road, living arrangements and speaking with your attorney about what to do are top priority.

And I agree with other people that carrying a VAR around with you might be important the further this goes along. We have seen to many stories on here of couples who swore that their WS "would never do" XYZ....and found out down the road how they wished they would have listened to all of us.

My thoughts are: MY GOD, what a difference a few months made for you. I am so impressed and so "wowed" by your transformation, your will, your drive, and your dedication to making a better life for your kids and for YOURSELF. You kept coming back, you listened to all of the advice, and you have seriously CHANGED.

Thank you so much for this. It moves me. I never thought I'd come to this place. Never. And those of you who have been following my story from way back in December? January? know this.

It's not over, of course, but I have learned so much--via the pits of hell, unfortunately. I look forward to giving back as, tragically, so many more of us stream in every day with the same basic story.

I think it's important for you to recognize how much stronger you have become, Abbondad. I'm glad you are seeing it.

As for the house, I absolutely agree that you stop talking to her about it. Tell your lawyer you want it ordered sold and proceeds split. If she really wants the house, she'll have to buy you out at fair market value.

Either way, you get a fresh start, less of a maintenance hassle, and a space that is ALL YOURS. Can't begin to tell you how amazing that feels. It's a quantum leap in healing when you are out of the marital home and in your own space that she has no claim to.