SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not posting much but I'm still here and still reading. And I'm still sending you tons of strength and HUGS.

You got this. You truly do.

I'm proud of you!

AD, it did have to come to this. She left the M along time ago. Don't beat yourself up because you finally realized your hope alone couldn't save the M. Better this and in time your having a real shot at happiness, then the hell you have been living.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:06 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Hi, Everyone,

Still exhausted after a sleepless night. Going over everything in my head that went down at mediation. To be honest, there were so many details I would not be able to report exactly the MSA will look like. In any case of course I will bring it to my attorney before I sign it.

The most important thing is that I will continue to live in the house with the kids. She will pay CS and additional expenses.

I will keep my pension.

I think if I teach some extra courses our kids will be able to stay in the house for a couple more years. I will be keeping a strict record of expenses over the next year to see if it is feasible without me having to dip into what little savings I have.

She is in utter panic mode. Now she wants it all back. But she still has not dumped the POS. we are still Plan A and B. well, to be more accurate, I am no longer Plan anything.

Thanks....

((((AD))))

Things are working in your favor finally. Yes this is not the outcome you hoped for 2+ years ago, but you know in your heart that you deserve so much more.

You will figure out a way to stay in your home if that is what you truly want. Her words are just words, blah blah blah. She has done NOTHING to back them up. You however have. You have a LOT to be proud of. You are going to get through this, and be a stronger, more grounded, happier person.

Be Proud. You are doing well.

And here come the Uglies, just as expected:

She has been offered a six-figure job, but it requires her to travel.

Thus she can't spend 50% of overnights with the kids.

Thus she would have to pay twice as much in CS.

She is accusing me of being "unreasonable" because I said yes, she must pay the required amount of CS.

OR of course she could decline the job and spend 50% of overnights with the kids and pay half the amount...but she wouldn't have a job, or would have a lower-paying job.

Thus she would not be able to keep her upscale lifestyle.

Again, MY fault.

But my worst fear: she, unsurprisingly, is making noises about ME moving out of our home and SHE moving in. Or worse, ROTATING residency.

No. Way. Am I leaving or rotating.

And this has nothing to do with me: it would mess up the kids even more than they are or will be.

If she is stupid enough to take this to court, is it possible that I could be forced out of our home? SHE moved out, HER name is on the rental lease of HER apartment.

I knew this would happen and mediation would not work with her...

If you are spending the majority of overnights with the kids, I would think that YOU would get exclusive use of the house. And she moved out. So...

But I've been wrong before!

She is just testing the waters to see how much she can make you cave in, using the kids as part of her weapons. Don't fall for her antics.

Yes, she is trying to apply pressure. She is playing on all your fears. She knows the right buttons to push. Change the game up. Don't respond, don't rise to the bait.

OR of course she could decline the job and spend 50% of overnights with the kids and pay half the amount...but she wouldn't have a job, or would have a lower-paying job.

Check with your attorney. In at least one state CS is based on earning potential, not actual income. If she turned down a significant increase to sepnd timne with her children that is appropriate, but if impacts her earnings she could still be on the hook for the higher CS despite the lower income since it would be a "voluntary" decrease in earnings.

AD, you are doing great.

Expect her to ramp up and get worse. These kind of people don't take it well when we suddenly grow a backbone and insist on being treated fairly and with dignity.

Perhaps a boiler plate response such as, " Please have your lawyer contact mine." is appropriate, but run in by your lawyer. That's why you have a lawyer.

Please be careful about any response you give her. Pretend that a judge will read everything. Frame everything around the best interests of the children. No emotion. You want to appear as the reasonable, mature parent at all times.

I kept everything to email as it had an automatic paper trail.

In at least one state CS is based on earning potential, not actual income.

That is how it is in my state as well. My POS is currently unemployed, but he historically makes a decent living, and it will be his earning "potential" based on his history that CS will be based on so if he takes a lower paying job or continues to be unemployed it won't decrease CS.

Sorry, AD. It sounds like others who have been through this how found earning potential to be a factor, so I'll keep my fingers crossed you find that to be the case. Hope you are able to step away from the madness for a bit and enjoy the 4th with your babies. (((AD)))

absolutely agree brother, you are doing great. it's nice to be able to predict her actions isn't it?

unfortunately, yes in all reality she will be stupid enough to take this to court. if you have not been documenting her actions up till now please do so. you absolutely do have the upperhand. she did abandon the family and move out. by doing so and leaving the children in your custody, she has shown by her actions what a competent father you are.

my intuition that she will take this to court is based on the fact she continues to blame you for everything. the child support is not insubstantial factor in this equation. how dare you mess with her lifestyle.

my immediate recommendation would be to drop mediation and file for divorce now. do you truly believethe children's best interest are a factor in her decisions right now?

stay the course, we are all here to support you in whatever your decisions are.

strength

Hi Everyone,

Not much new to report, except that STBXWW has for now abandoned the Ugly and has cycled back to the Sweet for now.

I think my feeling of empowerment, strength, etc.--a sort of "high"--after mediation has dissipated and now I feel extremely depressed over the whole saga. It's just so sad, so tragic.

I'll state the obvious for the hundredth time: How these people can throw away a life, a family, everything, is just beyond me...

Abb,

I'm there with you.

I ask myself the same question every day. My STBXWW has utterly convinced herself and now her solicitor, that the marriage was in a bad way before she had the affair.

My STBXWW has reached a new level of crazy but her lies and marital rewrite is coming home to roost, finally.

My first mediation is next week but is only the assessment so nothing will be decided that day. I know that the mediator will not accept her crazy justifications and she will get a shock.

Keep it up

I know what you mean when you say that euphoria of the high that came from a position of taking control of your life wears off and then you feel lousy again. I'm 'high' right now but tomorrow I will just be sad all over again that it has come to this.

Good luck

All

...and back to the Ugly.

I am being unreasonable.

She didn't like the way I was in mediation.

There is "no way" she is not going to be with the kids 50% of the time.

She doesn't see why I should spend so much time with them.

WE made a decision to separate given the circumstances. (Uh, no, she left our family to "heal" and "grow" AKA screw another man)

And...."this divorce thing is not working well"

What this is going to lead to, I fear, but expected, is that she is going to demand I leave our home and it will go to court. If it does, so be it.

Actions=consequences

You do know you not only can, but should, limit conversation with her, right? She's not your friend now, and is not apt to become one. What are you deriving from the up-down cycle with her?

You've made lots of progress, but seem to still be getting something from the rapid mood swings. What us it feeding, for you?

Please god, Buddha, Allah, Zeus, Superman... I just want this divorce to be over so I can move on with my life.

Divorce and crazy making behavior are two different things. You want the crazy to go away, the divorce process will eventually get settled.

Don't rush the process to get over the divorce, my fWH did that in his first divorce and got screwed.

Has your therapist given you tools to help you cope during the high anxiety times? Not just meds but other things to self-help you?

Holidays can bring out the worst, especially the first time thru the cycle of holidays.

You do know you not only can, but should, limit conversation with her, right? She's not your friend now, and is not apt to become one. What are you deriving from the up-down cycle with her?

I understand. I am trying my best to limit face-to-face conversation. I will have to try harder so she won't push my buttons.

But as one if you noted, now that the poison is appearing, it does give me increasing clarity--if I needed any-- that I do not want this person any more.

The fight tonight had to do with the party down the street. I had told her that I was taking the kids to the party. Then she came to see the kids and insisted that we both go--because this is what the kids wanted.

Well, yeah, sure they would like that. Except that we. Are. Divorcing. She doesn't seem to understand this reality.

I told her that both of us there would confuse the kids. Which it would. I refuse to play Happy Family. And it's bullshit that its for the kids. It's for her: she still wants it all--the family life.

I'm sorry, but she brought this on, even though I am driving the divorce.