SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

William, i'm still around. During the week i found out she broke NC multiple times by going out to lunch with him, and she also admitted last night that she met him somewhere else. That's her story anyway. Who knows if there were other times, or if they did other stuff. She seems to think it's ok to do this cause she tells me the truth after. She also said she may need some time alone to sort out things, but her goal is still trying to come back but it's hard to let him go and it's going to take time.

(Now, i'm not going to lie. Part of me is moving on. I never, never use to look at other women. I do that now. When i go out i start conversations with a lot more people and i notice my personality is changing too. I'm no longer mr nice guy. That guy died when this happened, and I'm not taking shit from anyone especially liars. I'm actually kicking ass @ work like never b4. My kids are getting the brunt of my wrath. I use to tolerate a lie like and say" don't do that again". Now it's 30 min. in the corner time. Anyway, I'm already planning a life without her. But, the other half is shredded up everyday cause i do want her back. I still love her even after this. Go Wonder. And she is still my best friend. That's why it hurts so bad.)

This morning, she asked what my problem was. I feel distant to her. I told her first i can't be intimate with her anymore until she agrees to some things. I told her if she wants to R she first thing she needs to adhere to NC. She can't contact him and then feel good that she told me the truth about it. Doesn't work like that. Anyway, i told her i want us to R but she needs to have NC for now. She said it's a process can't she take a little time. She's really trying. She said i tell you when i do see him. Maybe i shouldn't have told you she said. Whacked thinking! With that i dropped a little bomb on her, I told her I visited my divorce attorney during the week and i was giving her little time to end it with him.

She began crying to not divorce her. She said she thought she had more time, that i wouldn't pursue divorce until much later. I told her she had time but not much. She said she can't take the pressure of having to break it so fast. She wants to have a longer meeting with him to tell him things she couldn't say in the short time they talked last week. She wanted to convince him it can't work.(So in my mind she wants to see if there is a way it can work) I told her if she wants to come back there's no easy way. She's going to feel pain in breaking it off. But she's trying to tear off the bandaid very slowly. Just gotta rip the sucker off.

I then told her she needs to tell her mom, her dad, and her brother about the affair as they will need to help her with the divorce. She cried more not to expose it to them. She is worried about her moms and dad's health and their reaction.

She also has a 1st appt. with a counselor on next Wed. that she was hoping would give her some direction on how to break it off so she says.

I told her i need her to NC now, but i also have been thinking about this. I told her either her or the OM needs to find a new job. They sit about 15 feet away from each other, and there is no way even if they don't have projects together that this will work. I thought maybe, maybe they could do it. But, i'm set on this. He or she has to go, and if neither does its divorce. She was shocked about the having to quit, and also that i had talked with a divorce attorney, and having her tell her mom & dad, and brother. She said she thought it takes time, she needs time. She begged me not to divorce, and said she would write a letter to him.

I told her that's fine. But, if she still feels compelled to see him i need to know where, when. But then she said, if she let me divorce wouldn't i try to stop her? She's not thinking clearly of course.

So, part of me feels good i laid it out hard. But, i can't back down now. I have to follow through with the divorce if she doesn't comply. The other part of me feels i'm pushing her away. Probably cause she says that's what i'm doing. But, i can't take the uncertainty anymore. Shit or get off the pot. And, its not going to be easy for her but you either want it or you don't. I've read enough on this board to see those WS who make it are begging their spouses, "i will do anything to come back".

I'm not seeing that yet.

[This message edited by Luke at 11:36 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]

You will never regret operating from this position of strength.

The other part of me feels i'm pushing her away.

A WS can make the BS feel so damn guilty.

The BS did not do a damn thing to deserve having their lives turned completely upside down and then the WS lays such a guilt trip on the BS.

I think you did fine.

Just ask your wife how she would be reacting if the situation were reversed. And you continued to lie to her and you continued to go out with this woman and you continued to say you needed more time.

She uses excuses like she needs to explain to the OM that it wont work. Tell her she has had weeks to explain this to him, time is up. And if the OM doesn't get it that you will be more than happy to explain it to him.

Hold off on telling her mom and brother, use that for the next time she lies.

Also tell her, you are not happy living with a liar. The affair is one thing, being lied to constantly is just damn disrespectful and you're tired of it.

As for her moving out so she can have time alone, no way. That just continues the affair.

And I completely agree, one of them has to quit that job.

The needing more time stuff is obviously nonsense. I guess if it were me, I would be worried about pushing her away. But on the other hand, you cannot continue to have your wife be with another guy. Amazing how a WS cannot seem to understand that.

Bro, stop allowing this woman to play games with you. You draw a line in the sand, she jumps the hell over it. She is like a damn junkie saying this is going to be her last fix until the next time she needs her high. This is never going to end if you continue letting her do things her way. You need to pack her shit up and drop her and her things off at OM place. Let him have her !!!! File for D before she just plays another game on you. I've said this before, she needs to experience some consequences for her actions. Stop believing she is going to change just because she tells you she will, right after seeing OM for the umpteenth last time of course.

She said it's a process can't she take a little time. She's really trying.

These two sentences mean the opposite. Until the A is truly over, and has been for a while, a repaired monogamous marriage is not possible between you and your wife.

I know that's what you want. I hope she learns that she wants it too, for both your sake.

"She just left the house and told me to do what i want with the kids, she is going out with her mom"

Are you sure that is where she is going??

you are doing great luke but i still think you should expose to HR they wont stop on their own

orbit19, I can't expose them. Attorney has said she needs a job, if we get divorced. Helps ease any maintenance payments i would have. She is just gonna have to choose what's more important on her own.

[This message edited by Luke at 11:37 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]

yeah that does seem logical it looks like your wifes affair has changed you for the better. you are doing great keep it up

Oh and dont put the power of choice in her hands make it your choice. i think her fantasy will come crashing down when divorce papers are in her hands

She is just gonna have to choose what's more important on her own.

Do you think she would discuss this with her mom today?

You will just have to explain to her that you do not want to file for divorce but that you refuse to live in marriage with her going out with some other guy.

If she cannot understand that, then there is not much more you can do. Telling her family could help you a lot, exposing her affair puts her wrongs in the light to the point she cannot bs as much.

But the stuff about needing more time is of course wrong. All that does is prolong the affair.

Craig2001, I was thinking she might be telling her. She said she wanted to tell her last week but she couldn't. Now, if she does tell her maybe it's just to relieve guilt, and try to subconciously put pressure on herself to stop. It might also mean she is set on leaving me for this guy. Well, i'll find out later. I'm taking kids out all day. Best we are apart for as much of today as possible i think.

So, part of me feels good i laid it out hard.

Luke, you have been soft from the beginning and what you are doing is still soft. YOU are pulling the band-aid off slow. Maybe it doesn't seem that way to you because this seems so sudden to you, and you were so afraid of losing her.

If you "laid it out hard," you would have blown them up at work, you would have served her with divorce papers already. She feels like she can walk all over you and she is angry at you and YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING YET, it's all just talk from you. When you show her actions, then she will start to believe. You can't overcome years and years of not living up to your promised consequences, with her and the kids and everyone else, and expect her to believe YOUR WORDS have any meaning. She will understand divorce papers.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to be honest and realistic. You are a good guy, she doesn't deserve you, but you have kids together and you have a history together, so I think you should try. But what you are doing is not really trying, it's so half-assed and half-hearted. You've come a long way, but you are not there yet. You're close, but not there. And what you have been doing so far, how soft you have been in telling her it's OK to stay at the job and you would give her time, has only made your situation much worse than it had to be.

I don't care what your divorce attorney says. He is talking about the END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. If you want to save your marriage, go for it full on and don't pull any punches or hedge any bets. GO FOR IT. She will get another job. If she wants to save the marriage, she has to leave that job without a new one lined up and start looking for a new one now. Tell her you are fighting for her and you are fighting for your marriage and you won't share her with another man. Tell her you found your anger and your pride and your self-respect and you're not going to take her shit anymore. Tell her she took vows with you and she can either live up to them or she can leave.

The other part of me feels i'm pushing her away. Probably cause she says that's what i'm doing.

She thinks your love for her is unconditional, that you will tolerate anything she dishes out, yet I seriously doubt she would have the same outlook if YOU were cheating. She is thinking ONLY of herself, she is just MANIPULATING you.

You know what makes me angry? She's been with you for what is it, 12 YEARS, through life's ups and downs, kids, finances, sharing life's struggles. And she's been with this guy for what, a few months, went out with him after work and f'd him, had some little sweet talk with him, hasn't had to deal with any of life's ups and downs with him - AND SHE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH or emotionally aware enough to see that.

She wants TIME to decide between you and him. To end it slowly. What that means, and it's straight out of the cheater's manual, is that she will NEVER end it.

I don't even know how someone reconciles after the cheater behaves like yours does. Plenty do, God bless them, but there's no way I could. I am reconciled, but my wife gave it up right away and begged me not to divorce her. But Luke, and this is a big difference, I ALWAYS followed through with what I said I would do, with my wife, with my kids, with everyone, before the affair, so my wife had no doubt that I would do what I said. When I confronted, I told my wife I wanted her to go be happy with other man if he is so great and he is her soulmate and he is the love of her life, as a matter of fact, I would help her pack and go be with other man, let's get out the suitcases and start packing right now. I told her I had zero desire to be married to a woman who didn't love me and I'd rather be alone if she wanted some other guy, if she even had to question it. She was a begging bawling mess. I don't know if your wife would have reacted the same, probably not, but I have not seen the "give them time and space and let them gradually end it" approach work even once. Not once. The put-up-with-no-more approach works better than any other approach I've seen.

I've read enough on this board to see those WS who make it are begging their spouses, "i will do anything to come back". I'm not seeing that yet.

You are not seeing that yet because you haven't actually done anything to make her beg, yet.

I'm not posting this to be a jerk, I'm posting this because I'm trying to help and give you the benefit of my experience. If you don't take any of my advice, I still wish the best for you, like I said, you are a good guy and you don't deserve this.

Luke what do you want??? do you want to reconcile or do you want to divorce??

Craig2001, I was thinking she might be telling her. She said she wanted to tell her last week but she couldn't. Now, if she does tell her maybe it's just to relieve guilt, and try to subconciously put pressure on herself to stop. It might also mean she is set on leaving me for this guy.

If she does tell her mom, which I think is likely, it will be to explain to her mom how unhappy she has been with you and the marriage, how she has been hiding it from everyone, how she has been unhappy for a long time, from way before the affair started, so unhappy, in fact, that she had planned to divorce you and was working up to it, and now she met this guy at work and they've been talking, and THERE HAS BEEN NO SEX, THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS, but she is starting to have feelings for him and it has made her realize how everything with you is wrong, has always been wrong, and she might not be in a relationship with this guy, she may need time for herself, and she may need time to work things out with you, she just doesn't know what she wants.

That would be straight out of the cheater's playbook, of which your wife obviously has a copy.

You are letting her take control of the narrative. This will gain her sympathy and other female relatives and friends will encourage her to be happy and unfortunately this will influence her thinking on whether she stays married to you.

I recommend you talk to her mother tonight and let her know what is going on. Give her the TRUTH. Do it with your wife present if you want, I think that is the better way to do it.

Luke, your wife has shown no signs of choosing you over him, her ACTIONS have all pointed to wanting the other guy, only her meaningless WORDS have said she wants you. Actions speak louder than words.

wk55hn hits the nail on the head she is already making her choice by continuing to talk to the OM

Hi, Luke, why haven't you contacted OM and threatened to go to HR with the information you have?

I understand your attorney has suggested not outing them to HR.....but the threat might be the catalyst he needs to thrown your wife under the bus.

This guy needs to get scared sh*tless. If not your wife, he may do this again and destroy yet another family.

Your wife has given you nothing but meaningless words. Right now you are her Plan B. If it doesn't work out with this other dude, you are her backup. Is that what you want for your marriage?

I think you're doing great. She knows where you're headed and you are standing up for yourself. She knows what all she loses. Maybe talking to her mom will help her. She knows she needs to be NC immediately, find a new job and you spoke yo a lawyer, let her digest that. Hang in there and stay strong.

orbit19, luke doesn't need to decide whether to reconcile or divorce now. In my opinion, he should file for divorce and take his time deciding--and also implement the 180 immediately.

luke -- that's my advice to you; file immediately, do the 180, stop discussing it with her. I don't have an opinion on whether you should expose it since I don't have experience with that, but the common wisdom around here seems to be to do that.

Luke, the way wk55hn describes how your WW maybe telling her mother about what's going on is EXACTLY what happened to my situation. Not long after my Dday I got a hold of my XW's iPad and read through the chats with her mother and her sister. She spun the most incredible bullshit yarn about how unhappy she was for years and no mention of her A or the OM. I called up her sister to tell her what was really going on and to confirm info that XW claimed about our marriage. Her sister thought that things didn't quite add up the way XW explained, but it made sense once I explained the truth.

I had specific concern with the XW'S sister being involved because she is a retired family law attorney, and a very good one at that. After the sister heard my side she told my XW she wanted nothing to do with her or pending divorce and wasn't going to advise her on the legal matters. XW ended up hiring a criminal attorney to represent her in our divorce. I made out quite well.

Now, if she does tell her maybe it's just to relieve guilt, and try to subconciously put pressure on herself to stop. It might also mean she is set on leaving me for this guy.

Luke, it could be either. I have heard both including the WW hoping others would make them stop their affair or making obstacles. Impossible to explain why they cannot just stop.

Affairs really are like an addiction. Kind of like an overweight person putting a lock on the fridge so they wont overeat, but they have the key.

If possible, can you talk to her mother and see what she said. Do not let your wife rewrite the marriage and throw you under the bus.

She says she doesn't want a divorce, you already shocked her. Tell her to write that letter, send it, and that is it, no more talking.