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NYgirl

As other posters have said, it is amazing the strength you are exhibiting. You are far stronger than me.

Despite that, even the strongest need some help from time to time. I would recommend you reach out to a counselor. What you are going through is very traumatic and has a way of invading our psyche at unexpected times and manners.

If you don't mind I have a few questions.

Do you think you are focused on protecting your son and not dealing with your pain?

Have you been able to reach out to anyone IRL?

Do you have a support system in place in case things get too overwhelming?

Try to take care of yourself

isitme24

NYgirl,

I'm sure it's almost impossible to wrap your mind around this. I'm certain the shock of what you saw did put you into a "coma" of some sorts. Just glad you were able to get away in a safe manner. I don't know how someone processes this type of trauma. I know it's been suggested before, but I will add that I have heard very good things about EMDR therapy for highly traumatic events. It's worth consideration.

As for your son, I totally get that you don't want to describe it to him. Give it a little time. Hopefully you've explained why you don't want to tell him. But also understand that he may "need" that information for closure. Ask him to really think about that before pressing you to tell.

For myself, the longer I've been post-DDay, I've begun to hate the idea that other people withhold the truth because they know it would/could hurt me. The truth is, the hurt has already been done by the actions of my WH. My MIL also tried to dissuade me from learning any more facts about my WH's A, to keep me from "being hurt" and "What good would it do?". At some point, all I wanted was to be given enough respect to make those decisions for myself. I always think of that line from "A Few Good Men": "You can't handle the truth!!!". Why does someone else get to decide what I can or can't handle?

Personally, I would explain to my son why I don't want to share the information, ask him to carefully consider if he really wants it, and then give him the answers he says he wants. Let him decide what he can or can't handle. He will know you have his best interest at heart. I know you will not give one single hurtful detail more than he asks for.

Just my thoughts, from my own perspective in this journey.

Sending you continued heartfelt wishes for your comfort and healing.

NYGirl,

I really don't want to describe what I saw to him; saying it's difficult to talk about is a huge understatement. Nothing good will come from it.

I can see how recounting what you saw to your son while you are in so much pain would cause you more heartache. A parent's first instinct is to protect our children and not harm them. Throughout their life we explain critical circumstance surrounding a loss in an age appropriate way. This respects their need for knowledge and understanding in a way that they can process.

Gently and respectfully: please consider giving him a fact based account of what you saw. Examples: I saw them in bed/they were naked/they were kissing/they were having intercourse/they were having oral sex/I ran out.

Your account would consist of the critical facts and would convey the essentials of what you witnessed. That would be respectful of his request for information and your ability to convey the information as a mother to her son.

I expect he would not want to cause you more hurt by asking for details beyond these essential facts. You can ask for his understanding that your account is as far as you are able to go in reliving the event.

Tell him how difficult it is for you to tell him these things. Let him know if it is hurtful to you to say them. Tell him the emotions you are feeling. Tell him about your fear of causing him to hurt more.

Giving him a fact based account will show that you have confidence in him that he can "handle the truth".

Timelessloss pretty much said what my thoughts are. Outline facts, no details. Imagining what he thinks you may have seen is probably worse than what you actually saw. Brief description of the facts in a way that removes all emotion. (Tough one, that.)

Keep going. As you say, one day at a time.

Hugs

UKg

He said he'll see an individual counselor if I do as well, so I'm l looking into. I don't feel ready, but I'll start so he's comfortable speaking to someone too.

I wish I could remember where I read it, so I could cite the source, but I do remember reading that EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be more effective when the trauma is fresh. I wasn't an in-person witness to the adultery like you are, but I did see videos the OW liked to make and email.

I'm two years out and I really wish I had sought this treatment. It could have all happened just yesterday as far as my brain can tell. Time gets jumbled that way when you've had a traumatic stress injury.

I'm so sorry.

((((NYgirl68))))

Here's another idea about answering your son: after discussing the issue with your IC (when you decide to get one) and your son discusses with his IC (when he decides to get one), then if both of you agree on it you might consider discussing it together jointly with your ICs.

It's ok to want to help your son and to not be ready to respond to this particular issue.

One other thing to keep in mind (for him): he can't 'un-know' whatever you might tell him.

I'm not saying to tell, or not to tell. I think that with time you will both be able to decide together how to address this issue.

Hang in there. I'm glad your D should go through fairly smoothly.

((((NYgirl68))))

I'm not ready for counseling or any type of therapy at the moment, it's all still too new for me to open up to a complete stranger in real life about this disaster.

As I've said, when I'm ready, I'll look into counseling. Thank you for the recommendation.

How many times does NYgirl68 have to say maybe someday she will seek therapy/counseling but right now it is NOT for her?

Sometimes, regardless of how traumatic an incident is, therapy is not the answer. NYgirl68 certainly knows better than any one else what she needs.

If your son wants the details, you should tell him the facts. The hardest part of this for me was that others had information about my life and woundnt share it. Your reasoning that you're protecting your son is similar to when the WS holds back information to spare us the pain. It sucks having someone else deciding what you need. Talk to your son...if he's sure he wants to know, then respect his decision. He's an adult. The secrecy can be a barrier to healing.

He said he'll see an individual counselor if I do as well, so I'm l looking into. I don't feel ready, but I'll start so he's comfortable speaking to someone too.

Perhaps you missed this Chicky.

If your son wants the details, you should tell him the facts. The hardest part of this for me was that others had information about my life and woundnt share it. Your reasoning that you're protecting your son is similar to when the WS holds back information to spare us the pain. It sucks having someone else deciding what you need. Talk to your son...if he's sure he wants to know, then respect his decision. He's an adult. The secrecy can be a barrier to healing.

I agree with Sassylee.

Hugs to both you and your son.

There is probably a reason other than a wish for self-inflicted pain for why your son wants more details.

Is there any chance that his ex-fiancé or his father is minimizing what happened?

Is there any chance that what you saw could in any way be minimized or “explained”?

Let me take an example: When I walked in on my then-finance in bed with another man there was NO WAY I could misunderstand what was taking place. They were having rather active and loud sex. There was no way she could have tried convincing me nothing was going on, that he was just a friend, that they “only” kissed…. Whatever. There was NO WAY she could truthfully tell her parents, our friends or other stakeholders that what I witnessed was a “misunderstanding”.

Is there any chance the fiancé is claiming you misread or misunderstood what you witnessed?

I agree with TimelessLoss that a factual account of what you saw, carefully and tactfully worded, could benefit your son.

I'm afraid that if I try to keep it factual and clinical that he'll want more details. Also, I don't even want to talk about it out loud, I'm extremely embarrassed to describe sex.

He hasn't talked to his ex-fiancée so there's no chance she would even try to say there's a misunderstanding. There's no denying what I saw.

If it's too hard to say out loud, you could write it down and give it to your son to read when you're not there.

You shouldn't feel obligated to discuss the details with your son right now. This is as private a pain for you as it is for him. If there comes a time when it feels right for you, you will do so. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by total idiot at 8:49 AM, November 17th (Thursday)]

NYGirl

Also, I don't even want to talk about it out loud, I'm extremely embarrassed to describe sex.

Good you were able to share this. This is much different than having a desire not to hurt him. I'm sure that is still on your mind as his Mom.

Would you feel comfortable responding to your son's request by telling him this? Start the conversation with what you told him initially when this Storm hit.. Acknowledge his request. Then speak from the heart about why you aren't capable of describing the sex.

The downside to this approach comes if he senses you are trying to shield him from further hurt. Or that his need for information should outweigh your extreme embarrassment.

Also think about writing out the fact based account along with all of your emotions about not being capable of reliving the event in more detail. "Dear Son, My heart is still breaking for both of us. You asked to know more about....I'm extremely embarrassed...I'm only able to write...What I saw was...and I left feeling as if I were in a coma...My greatest wish for us is that we heal...I hoped you understand why I'm unable..

NYGirl, your posts are written with great clarity. So you don't need some random guy on the Internet writing things for you. The words I provided are meant to allow you to test drive the idea of writing your response to him.

Always in your corner and supportive if you just can't share what you saw with your son. Just suggesting ways to respect his request and your emotional state.

Or the details could be given to your son when you go to therapy?

It's kind of awesome how our brains shield us from trauma. Your response to walking in on them in the act was your brain's way of protecting you from the trauma.

Alas, you eventually have to work through what you witnessed.

The longer you put this off, the longer and harder the recovery will be.

You may very well start to experience PTSD.

He's asking what I saw when I caught them, but I don't want to tell him. It will not help his healing.

Very gently, it probably will help his healing.

The trouble is, from what you say, you think that it will slow yours down.

In my opinion, talking about it may help you both. Keeping it to yourself may be a form of denial. Talking about it brings it into the open, outside of you. I think telling your son what you saw may process some pain out of your system.

I don't mean to pressure you - you're dealing with a lot, a person can do only so much, and you're already doing a lot for yourself. But consider my opinion; then make your own decision. I agree with others that it's OK to say, 'I just don't want to talk about this now.'

Just as you have expressed an interest in asking some additional questions in an effort to make sense of what happened, (as if we could ever), it sounds as if that is what you son is asking of you.

Usually we encounter a bit of resistance by the wayward spouse when they are asked to give us answers to the more difficult, shameful and incriminating aspects of the infidelity and to that we say, Tough; you can experience the pain and shame as this was a choice that you made and you have inflicted far more pain onto the betrayed than you will feel upon revisiting and answering. But in this case, you son is asking it of you, the other innocent who has been severely traumatized. I feel for both his need to get more concrete answers and the excruciating pain that reliving this would bring you.

I wonder if you would be able to begin a process of putting it down on paper. Maybe you would eventually share it with him, maybe not. No expectations or pressure, but maybe that would give him some answers without yo having to speak it. You can choose to be more general in order to spare him the details and that may be enough for him; he may ask for clarification. It is just a thought; certainly not something you have to do if you are not feeling able. Have you told him that this feels too painful for you to talk about? Does he sound as if he can accept that for the moment and revisit it in the future?

Sorry; I see that several osiers already suggested that you put some of this down on paper... Apologies for the redundancy.

Just stopping by to send hugs and strength to you.

You are in an awful situation and truly doing well, all things considered.

Please do something nice for yourself today. Remember to breathe deeply. It does help.

We are here in your corner, wishing you only the best.