SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am just so very sorry to hear of everything that you and your son have been through. It is so traumatic and so devastating on so many levels, it is almost unbearable to read, much less live through it.

I know the hurt you feel must be so staggering, and I am so glad you have such a strong support network. Keep leaning on them for now, you are processing this piece by piece and in your own time. There is no rush. You cannot rush the healing. I am glad to read that you are taking care of yourself. That is so very important.

You and your son both seem to be handling this in the best way possible. I know that doesn't make your pain any less, but you are handling this like a true champ.

I am sending you the biggest hugs and many prayers for your continued strength and eventual peace.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 4:10 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]

I'm not ready for counseling or any type of therapy at the moment

Everyone here gets that. Really.

The reason some have mentioned EMDR is that this technique can be very helpful in getting rid of the 'mind movies' that you have. A kind of brain bleach. If you can find someone who has experience treating patients using this method, you might find it helpful for the kind of pain that you are in.

So of course it's ok to do things in your own time. You do what YOU need to do. People here are just trying to help you to avoid any extra pain. Please take any and all suggestions in that spirit.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

((((NYgirl68))))

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and mother. I am so sorry you're having to endure this.

My heart goes out to you and your son. Sending prayers, strength and peace your way.

The behavior of your WH and your DS's fiance sure seems like they are seasoned pros, not first time cheaters. I'm sorry you had to find it out first hand. If there could be anything positive to come of this, it's probably better that this happened now rather than after your DS got married to her. Thank God he can walk away from her scot-free.

Have you checked out the Double Betrayal thread in the I Can Relate forum?

Thinking of you. You are being really strong right now. Keep posting, we are all here for you.

I understand the need for answers ,but you will never get a satisfactory one that will put you at ease. You need to decide what you want to ask now and leave it at that. The more questions you ask, the answers will just raise more questions. Try to make peace with the fact that he did it (and she did it) because they wanted to. Plain and simple. Nothing deep or complex. It shows utter and complete disrespect for you and your son. What answer could ever justify that? None. You will never find a satisfactory answer because there isn't one.

Once the two of them get there is no going back, there is a chance they might start up again.

For this reason alone you need to steel yourself for a lot as you move forward and the best way to do that is counseling.

Please for your sake, at least entertain the notion.

As I've said, when I'm ready, I'll look into counseling. Thank you for the recommendation.

I asked him last night if he had ever cheated on me in the past. He just responded that he cheated with three different women over the course of our marriage in addition to our son's ex. He started an affair with a coworker shortly after our wedding that lasted for five years until she moved away. He had a three year affair with a girl he met at the gym. He had a two night stand with another runner he met at the San Diego marathon, he went alone.

So yes, my entire marriage was a lie.

I'm so sorry. Hopefully now you've received enough answers and you can move upward and onward. At least, he seems to have given you some honest answers about his past infidelities. I am sure you are in a great deal of pain, knowing that he repeatedly deceived you. My heart goes out to you.

Strength to you, good lady. There is no doubt that you are better off without him. I am just so sorry for the pain has put you and your son through. Big hugs!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 12:48 PM, November 11th (Friday)]

It just tells you that HE is indeed a sociopath , it has nothing with you .

Get him out of your head , don't talk to him anymore.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 1:22 PM, November 11th (Friday)]

Your WH's marriage vows were a lie. You, however, lived your vows and your marriage with integrity and authentically. I know, hell, we all know, that feeling of having lived in a lie during our marriages. Finding out the depth of betrayal makes you doubt everything that you've ever done in your married life it take the gravity and atmosphere away from you so you feel like you're spinning helplessly in space with no secure place to put your feet, turning endless loops over and around, up and down and sideways. You will question everything that you ever thought that you knew, and doubt your senses.

But please remember this. You lived an authentic life. You lived in honor during your marriage. Any taint, any stain on your memories were put there by the actions of your WH. In time, that damned 4-letter word, you will probably find that you can remember your authentic feelings when good memories come to you, and enjoy those moments. It's very hard right now, but don't let your WH steal all of your good memories too. Just keep that in the back of your mind for now and let yourself grieve over your loss. (((hugs)))

^^^ I'd like to edit my post to say exactly what skan said. I don't have her way with words. Well said and I agree 100%.

I'm so sorry. I have never got the truth out of my ex, so I am glad you got some truth out of him. But understand it is probably just a small slice of it. I had to accept that the man I was married to was someone I didn't really know. Instead of thinking my whole marriage had been a lie, I try to think that my husband was a liar for our entire marriage, but my life wasn't a lie. I was there. I worked. I raised children. I tried to be a good wife to him. He is the one that lied and cheated. His life was a lie, not mine. I didn't have the marriage I thought, but in my heart of hearts I loved him. I loved the potential that he had is what I think now. He is the one that didn't treasure the gift I gave to him. He made decisions that now he has to live with the consequences of. So if by the Grace of God I am ever given the chance to have a relationship again, I want authenticity. I'm not sure what a healthy relationship looks like since I've never been in one. But I sincerely hope I get the chance to find out. Love yourself. Honor yourself and your son. You were a great wife and mom. He is the liar and cheater. Anyone that could do that to their child is a very sick and selfish person. So try to begin to just think you are making your life more authentic, and it begins by cutting the liars and cheaters out of it.

[This message edited by Mom4ever at 1:58 PM, November 11th (Friday)]

He's a serial cheat. Not fixable. End this

I was the best wife I could be and made our home a place that he wanted to be. I just can't believe I was deceived through our entire marriage. I can't totally hate him though, he gave me my wonderful son

I know it's probably just the tip of the iceberg, I'm sure he's cheated with many more women than he's telling me. It doesn't matter though. Finding out more isn't going to change anything. I hope it was all worth it to him.

I will continue to be the best mother I can be and rebuild my life as best I can. I'm lucky to have a strong support system.

I wish I could understand how someone can do these things? What have I done to deserve this? I don't think I'll ever be able to stop asking myself this question.

I hope my son will find it possible to trust someone in the future and find himself in a healthy relationship.

What have I done to deserve this?

I hope you honestly know the answer is NOTHING!!

Affairs are all about what the cheater is doing wrong. NOT what you are doing wrong.

Yes, we all may contribute something less than desirable to our marriages at any given point, but ALWAYS chose to stay faithful. He chose not to. Repeatedly.

Don't you see that choice is on HIM? Doesn't matter if you didn't hug him enough, praise him enough, have sex with him enough, etc. HE CHOSE TO CHEAT. You didn't.

There were 100 other ways he could have handled his unhappiness. OR....what if he really was happy and this is a flaw in his character that you now know about? That surely isn't your fault either.

Stop trying to answer the question of why and how it relates to you. It's not about you. Crazy as that seems. It was choices that he made, regardless of you. THAT is the part that truly sucks. He wasn't thinking of you.

NYG68,

It's hard to imagine the moral bankruptcy that would lead to a father and husband doing this to his wife and son.

Your story is closest to Dobergal. She posted a few weeks ago that she was 3-4 months out from discovering her husband's 4-5 year affair with her son's wife. She, at that time, had not made a decision about what to do and her last posts reflected the pain of indecision.

I hope my son will find it possible to trust someone in the future and find himself in a healthy relationship.

Yes, it is possible that your son will have this outcome. My son's wife of one year had an affair and became pregnant by the OM. He took decisive action to divorce, as you, SpaceGhost and TurnOtherCheek did. I'm convinced this led to quicker and more complete healing because he maintained his sense of integrity. And he found a loving relationship once he had healed to the point of looking forward rather than to the past.

My son's close friends played a key role in his healing. I was glad to read that your son has his bro friends to help him.

A small story about how my son's friends had his back: one of his friends saw a car in a grocery parking lot that had a flat tire. He started to take note of the color, model and license plate number, intending to have the store page the owner. When the friend then realized that it was the OM's (distinctive license plate) car, he quickly thought about flattening the other rear tire. He told my son that he didn't because it was better to allow karma to operate at it's own pace. Great guys, great friends, incredibly supportive in a way that is different than the support a parent can offer.

I apologize for the slight thread jack. It's just that I know you are putting your son's pain ahead of your own because you are a good parent. I want to offer a small measure of reassurance that there is a positive healthy future for your son.

I wish you both peace.

Hey there NYGirl, as someone else pointed out, our (or at least mine) intention when it comes to advice is absolutely coming from a place of caring and trying to minimize the pain.

I wish it didn't come from a place of experience. But, unfortunately for me, I have been through some very similar experiences. So all advice is coming from a place of trying to help you navigate this mine field since I have been through it (as have everyone else in this forum). My husband was a multiple cheater, through a great deal of our relationship.

As for the EMDR, the reason I had mentioned it is exactly what someone else said, it can help numb the really horrible, anxiety causing memories to fade and not cause such pain.

Of course, you will know when or if you need outside help. I am sorry as at times I know I can sound very "matter of fact this is what you should do". I try very hard to use words like "recommend" and "from my experience" but I definitely never meant to come across as "you shall do".

Also, I think a difference in our stories is that I do not have a great support system. I have no siblings, I am not close with my parents, I have no real family, and I have only a few close friends. I actually think if I had had a better support system I would have left 6 years ago. But alas, I didn't.

6 years ago I would have compared myself to a Maple Tree. Strong, but breakable. I finally ended up having a nervous breakdown after being strong for so long (this was 6 years ago). I took that as a sign to learn to be more like a Bamboo tree. Still strong, but more flexible. Thus I bend in the wind now instead of staying up straight. It has been helpful.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have left in the first month. I wouldn't have asked questions over and over again. I would have tried to walk away, and not look back, only look forward. Since I didn't have a strong family support system, I would have reached out for professional help sooner.

Instead, I stayed, through months and months of trickle truth, and I just kept asking more and more questions. I could never heal. It was the worst year of my life. I would never wish that upon anyone. Thus, all of my answers are to try to help someone not go through this same horrific, non-healing experience.

[This message edited by DdV65 at 5:50 PM, November 11th (Friday)]

You've done nothing to deserve this.

Some people are simply so selfish that they do not care the destruction the rain upon those who make the mistake of choosing to trust them. Your STBXH is clearly this type.

Do not make the mistake of tricking yourself into thinking you somehow "earned" this; you DESERVE better and you ARE better.

Sorry you are here, NY.