SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I basically see your new plan as going along with it and hope they break-up or she becomes board with him/the game or ... trying to adjust to this virtual lifestyle along with her.

I took to the game myself and now have several suitors pursuing me. I did this to gauge her jealousy which there seems to be more than a little. I am also on Kik and Snapchat with 2-3 of them who now text me at all hours. This is probably high school level spiteful nonsense but it's keeping me going and the affection/attention is helping with self esteem, keeping a smile on my face and allowing me not to focus on the mess she has made of our family/marriage.

As most people have stated this is messed up on many levels. I get that you want to see what all the fuss is about, to see how different it is from cheating... to show her what it feels like. My main problem is that it's going to turn around and kick you in the butt when you try to use "the game" for the divorce or problems. She is going to say you did it too. The Mad-hatters on this site run into this all the time. Their WW Affair might have been first, more intense, longer... but if they dabbled in the same thing themselves they no longer have that upper hand with doing the right thing. It's thrown back as ... you did it too.

You admit that she's not stopping, that MC has only helped her feel it's her right. Your health, weight, self esteem, fiances and now morals have suffered. Yet somehow you think two months will help... no, all of those things are going to get worse with two more months.

You say you are doing the 180 but it appears you are still negotiating NC and talking about the affair often. She says he texts daily...She says she is going to stop... she is still on the phone with him while we are together. You are still sleeping in the same bed. Going on family outings, eating family dinners. She is basically cake eating and while your words say THAT IT, your actions say ...i will wait.

As far as getting financially stable what is she doing? I'm sure you know what she was doing when she didn't work. You are trying to dig the family out of this financial mess but what is she doing? Does she have any consequences? Why did she wait to tell you? Can you see where her money is going? Could she be giving OM money or paying for things for the game?

The divorce process takes a very long time. You do not have to move out once she is served the house is yours too. Why not have her served and continue working yourself out of the debt? I just don't understand why you are putting yourself through this for two more months with very little hope of anything but more pain. At least if you have her served there is a chance she will pull her head out of ass and start trying to figure out how to fix this.

also, have you seen a doctor about your health issues? The anxiety, stress and sudden weight loss sound like they are doing a number on you.

[This message edited by Freeme at 3:47 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]

Sorry to hear about your situation deep. You have to do what's best for you and your kids so no shame in that. I don't see where serving her is going to worsen your situation. You're going to clean up the financial mess anyway, so I don't see the harm in putting another tactic into play. I think that you'll see the wisdom in serving her now once you see the resulting reaction. Take care of yourself.

and I don't see online shenanigans on her part as an 'open' marriage

So you don't see it as cheating, then? I'll have to ask, if that's the case, then why are you feeling the way you're feeling? You're trying to sugar coat it and minimize it.

And online EAs given enough time, will lead to a PA, be it with the EA OM, or someone new.

Hi DF,

I see you are in the game now and socialising with other women. You have aps you are responding to them with via your phone. Kik and Snapchat make it easy to cheat. Are you on Tinder as well? It seems to me rather than stopping the game and emotional affair your wife has managed to get you to join in. Is contact with the women and making your wife jealous while she is engaged in an EA a positive step. You seem to be getting your ego strokes from the game and phone chats now. It seems to me your wife called your bluff. Are things spiraling out of control? What are the boundaries for you and your wife now? Only you know what you can and cannot accept.

Deepfeeler,

Freeme and others have summarized the negatives, pitfalls, and tragedy of your current situation. I am sorry you have gotten stuck and feel you must remain in a very difficult situation at the behest of your wife and her choices. This is a very grueling time in your life. "Your health, weight, self esteem, fiances and now morals have suffered."

It is now time to focus on yourself. You need to work on Deepfeeler. I would start to implement the hard 180 in its entirety for your benefit. Infidelity limbo is hell. Start taking your life back. Instead of playing a game. Spend your time on you and your children. Be the best Deepfeeler possible. Someone will need to be available for the children. You will want to be able to "sail your ship," when all this starts sinking around you. Please keep us posted.

Best wishes and good luck!

Yes and I appreciate everyones input even those less tolerant of my asshattery. :)

I am working on me and again any shenanigans on my part are in the late evening after the kids are in bed. the kids get our full attention while they're up.My family is my priority, then comes me. Even in this mess.

I, as others have expressed, also have reservations that she could turn to another AP closer to home. So I always have that in the back of my head but it's good to hear it expressed by others. It helps me feel less paranoid and more like a critical thinker, around that anyway.

At the end of the day in this scenario the onus outside of the EA is on me. I know there are better/easier ways but this is whats working for now. Any dysfunction is behind closed doors and we're both making a united front for the kids.

I am flawed and know this, that comes as no shock to me at all, but in short, this is working for now and until things can get sorted it allows me to skirt the anxiety attacks and sorrow/pain cycles.

At the end of the day in this scenario the onus outside of the EA is on me

I'm not sure I understand this, Feeler. Could you clarify?

I along with everyone else here want you to get out of infidelity. However, there are some scenarios that make the choice to do so an unfavorable one.

I know that at one point early in my M I was desperate to get out and wanted to do so but knew that it would be putting my family in some real danger if I did. So I stayed and put up with the abuse and rug swept a lot of it away in order to function.

It was terrible but it was necessary. Even now I see it that way and It's not that I didn't have a choice it's just that I could only choose the lesser of two evils. Just understand that rug sweeping can provide temporary relief yes, but also that the dirt will come back again eventually and it can't sit under there forever.

Keep taking care of yourself, working towards the next step, and keep posing.

Deepfeeler,

...There is more to this story but I wouldn't be comfortable posting it here, it is essentially me enabling destructive behavior and giving in to lower base impulses and turning it into a mind F for the woman I used to love and dedicated myself to. *This is where I deserve a flame for sure*

I am working on me and again any shenanigans on my part are in the late evening after the kids are in bed.

...in this scenario the onus outside of the EA is on me.

Your posts are of concern to me.

You state that you cannot "post your actions in this forum." What type of activities do you reference with these statements. We have heard it all here. Are you engaged in the same online behavior that you deemed as "cheating"? Has your emotional trauma and need to inflict pain on her caused you to engage in wayward behavior? Because you are vulnerable in your current emotional state, do you find yourself in activities you considered cheating and caused you to seek this forum? Search long and hard DeepFeeler with where you are at. Have you crossed lines that were once wrong in your eyes?

Beware of rug sweeping Deepfeeler. Things swept under the rug grow big, sharp fangs and trenchant, rending claws and then someday they erupt out from under the rug and inflict much harm and destruction. Rug sweeping produces deep feelings of resentment. Nothing is done to stop the wayward behavior. This results in another affair, revenge affairs, or one day 5 years from now you cannot cope any longer and are simply done.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 5:11 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

I worry about you health wise, esteem wise, and what her affair is doing to you morally. I think you are "just trying to get by" until her affair is over, but...

I just talked to a friend while child1 was getting her pictures taken and he put a lot of things into perspective for me.

Yes, there is an emotional connection, I don't see that as a bad thing. I forge emotional connections with many people. That doesn't mean i love you less or him more. It's just different.

I think she values the Swinger lifestyle and that's where she is headed.

That emotional high is amazing and eventually dwindles down and becomes a friendship. I know this because it's not the first time it happens to me.

....

You can ask Dennis or a handful of other male friends I have. This is exactly how Dennis and I met. After a few months of dirty letters and emails back and forth, our relationship evolved into a friendship that has lasted almost 30 years, several countries and different spouses. I love Dennis to pieces but I have no intention of running off with him. Or him with me.

....

I thought you would understand that, not just because of all your previous talks about possible sexual exploits, but because of how we met.

....

For the millionth time, Pieter and I are never happening in RL that way because that's not what this is. For the same reason Dennis and I never got together or anybody else I never got together with. I married you. Nobody else.

'''

It makes me angry that you make me feel dirty about the whole thing after the ones that benefited the most from this were us. To be blunt, Pieter merely jacked off while you got to have all the RL fun. So what if he said he "loved" me and I had a special place in his heart and I said it back?

.............

I enjoy the random phone calls and pictures about random things .... I don't understand your irrational jealousy over this.

I think you know that IF the Pieter relationship dies, she is going to have another, and another, and another. She needs to have at least two men fighting for her attention. Each time its going to escalate. She might not have said I love you to the first one, or had cyber sex, or sent pictures/video's but each time it progresses and since she sees nothing wrong with it and ...that's what you are doing now too...

I guess what I'm saying is that by choosing to have EA also (not sure how far they have gone but that's how she is viewing them) you are saying that you are fine with this type of marriage. One where you have secret lovers on line. You are also allowing her to push her boundaries further in the game - I'm sure she felt saying I love you was crossing a line at one point... This isn't a "when she gets over Pieter affair. This is a new way of life and and the choice to stay in infidelity long term. Is this really the type of marriage you want? Your health, your mentally, your self esteem are getting worse everyday. And are teaching your kids that this is what marriage is like.

You may think that your wife respects you more for this move because she is getting what she wants its actually getting the opposite result. It's telling her you will put up with anything (emotional abuse, cheating, financial infidelity, being ignored, being second choice, not caring about what you feel, need or your health...) to keep the marriage. Shes losing respect for you because you don't respect yourself enough.

What would divorce look like for you? Would you get the kids 50% of the time? Who does the majority of the house work? Makes the most money? Wondering what you are most afraid of.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:55 AM, June 8th (Friday)]

Do what's best for you Deep. It's you life; you decide what it's going to be. Take charge of it and set goals for yourself.

Freeme, thank you for your replies. I have backed off what I am doing online. Not specifically because of what anyone said but because I just didn't feel right about it.

Your question about is this the type of marriage I want where my wife has to have a virtual side guy? No, of course not. Ideally I would have someone who respects and is invested enough in me to resist these types of impulses.

I am trying to find an infidelity specialist in North Kansas City MO, but haven't had a lot of luck, while there are MC's and RC's I've not had a lot of luck finding infidelity specialists.

We are both moving on IC so I hope we can overcome whatever it is that compels her to find these online friends with benefits. I too worry about the escalation of behavior and had discussed that with her early on.

While I would like NC there isn't enough trust right now and I would have no way of knowing since transparency isn't going to happen.

Because of our State laws and the way courts operate here, unless we worked a joint custody plan she would get custody. It is near impossible for a father to get custody in this state unless the mother simply does not want them. So D for me is every other weekend with my kids. I already knew this before I spoke with the attorney he just confirmed it.

I'm the breadwinner, if you will, and we both do the housework.

My desire through all of this was R and I understand D and R both follow the same path for a good while. Right now D papers are only going to make a relatively calm environment a lot more hostile and chaotic and thats no good for anyone.

We greet each other at the door and hug/group hug with the kids as we always did, so while they may notice a little distance now and then we keep up a united front for the kids, as I have mentioned. We understand they look at/to us to know what a healthy relationship looks like so we talk behind closed doors after bedtime etc... There's no yelling and neither of us are "physical" with each other, we're not wired that way.

Health wise this has been better and I've not had an anxiety attack in a little awhile. Mentally I feel sharp as a tack and haven't been thinking this clearly for a couple of weeks. I cannot control her respect for me but my self respect is on much better grounds than even a week ago. I've said my piece she knows where I stand and I am not budging. Whether she respects that or me is her choosing not mine and I don't give a fig either way right now.

After 15 years a few weeks is going to fly by and while it may not be fun or the easiest few weeks, it's not going to be the worst. I've rediscovered my love for books and have plenty to read to keep me occupied in addition to the kids and the typical stuff that needs to get done.

Again thank you, I think I hit not only your questions or concerns, but others as well. I will keep you posted as we move along. You were all there when the one person I needed to be, was inflicting the pain.

I both appreciate that and "owe" it to those who want to know, to keep you informed on how this progresses. No two paths are the same, perhaps at the end of this F*ck3ry there can be a happy ending.. it's not a French film afterall.

Eeeesh DF, dude.

Your very first problem appears to be you believe your situation is special, and you're somehow immune to every trap and pitfall that had caught everyone who's tried that route before you.

Trust me, you're not, your wife isn't, the situation isn't. This isn't a sitcom, and you're currently writing and producing that French film you joked about.

You are wallowing in infidelity.

Even if you outlast this affair, your WW will never ever respect you again.

How could she?

She told you she loved him yet you won't serve the divorce papers.

Wake up!

Hi DeepFeeler,

I hope you are doing okay. I have not been on SL first hand. However, others that have indicated SL has a lot of virtual components related to sexual adventurism and a strong BDSM following. I guess there is a lot of good also. Individuals told me you could make money in a variety of ways on the site and spend or lose it as well. I knew one time there was online or virtual gambling but that went away as laws changed. I was concerned about you from your posts. I hope things improve for you. From your experience, what insight can you provide regarding SL?

Ripped62, if it can be done in RL it can be done in SL (Second Life) on the sex side it is mild to extreme. You can use objects like a blanket to cuddle and smooch on the beach or you can use a sexbed that will fit 2-4 people with hundreds in not a thousand + poses.

You can also race, skydive, go clubbing, goto live music events, shop etc... There is a significant BDSM community and outside of the beds there are bondage scripted items as well with animations for BDSM activities. Scripted male/female anatomy that.. Reacts and..squirts. Sorry trying to keep it pg.

The graphics and avatar realism has really improved a lot which only enhances the realism/escapism. With just how difficult the fog can be I only imagine this environment would enhance it near to realism especially if you're a Self manipulator.

There are even some pornsites that actually have SL videos if you're more the visual type.

[This message edited by DeepFeeler at 1:17 AM, June 9th (Saturday)]

Your very first problem appears to be you believe your situation is special, and you're somehow immune to every trap and pitfall that had caught everyone who's tried that route before you.

Trust me, you're not, your wife isn't, the situation isn't. This isn't a sitcom, and you're currently writing and producing that French film you joked about.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^This...Your situation is not special.

Thanks for replying and giving an update. I feel a little better that you are not just wallowing and getting deeper into infidelity.

I am trying to find an infidelity specialist in North Kansas City MO, but haven't had a lot of luck, while there are MC's and RC's I've not had a lot of luck finding infidelity specialists.

I'm glad you are looking for someone.

We are both moving on IC so I hope we can overcome whatever it is that compels her to find these online friends with benefits. I too worry about the escalation of behavior and had discussed that with her early on.

I don't think this will help her because she doesn't seem to think she has a problem and if the IC argues with her about it ... she will pick a new IC.

Because of our State laws and the way courts operate here, unless we worked a joint custody plan she would get custody. It is near impossible for a father to get custody in this state unless the mother simply does not want them. So D for me is every other weekend with my kids. I already knew this before I spoke with the attorney he just confirmed it.

I'm guessing that this is the crux of why you are so willing to put up with this. Have you asked if she would be willing to give you more custody? If I recall your kids being close to and age where they could choose whom they want to live with. Would that be an option?

I'm the breadwinner, if you will, and we both do the housework.

You can play hard ball and start turning things off. Get rid of the internet. Not paying for things that feed her addiction.

My desire through all of this was R and I understand D and R both follow the same path for a good while. Right now D papers are only going to make a relatively calm environment a lot more hostile and chaotic and that's no good for anyone.

Yes and know sometimes seeing it in writing, seeing that you really will divorce over something like this, seeing that it's not ok... is what finally pushes the WW to get help to make the change. From what I've seen you've tried tip toeing around 180... trying not to do anything that will set her off, keep things calm but still trying to distance yourself some.

We greet each other at the door and hug/group hug with the kids as we always did, so while they may notice a little distance now and then we keep up a united front for the kids, as I have mentioned. We understand they look at/to us to know what a healthy relationship looks like so we talk behind closed doors after bedtime etc... There's no yelling and neither of us are "physical" with each other, we're not wired that way.

I understand you are trying to make things appear fine for the kids but I think this is giving your WW the impression that things are fine also. You say they aren't but your actions around her.. still sleeping together, still doing family things together... say your fine.

Health wise this has been better and I've not had an anxiety attack in a little awhile. Mentally I feel sharp as a tack and haven't been thinking this clearly for a couple of weeks.

I'm glad to hear this but you should still see a doctor if you are going to let this go on much longer.

I cannot control her respect for me but my self respect is on much better grounds than even a week ago. I've said my piece she knows where I stand and I am not budging. Whether she respects that or me is her choosing not mine and I don't give a fig either way right now.

I just didn't want you to think you were "winning her back" but doing what she wants.

A few weeks while you get your finance together are not going to make a difference but why not do a full 180 during this time. Get out of the house more see friends. Take the kids out just yourself.

Deep,

How’s it going today?

What are you doing outside of the game to take care of yourself?

I know I sound like a broken record with this stuff but it’s so often overlooked and so very important when your in a tough situation like this.

Are you drinking enough water?

How much exercise are you getting? Any routine in particular?

Have been able to spend some time outdoors enjoying nature?

How are the kids doing?

Why not just turn the internet off at the house? Won't fix anything but certainly improves the situation.

[This message edited by william at 1:45 AM, June 11th (Monday)]

How’s it going today?

One day at a time my friend. It's not easy and she's made it tougher than it has to be, but overall I am good.

What are you doing outside of the game to take care of yourself?

Eating light, still working out and reading when I need to distract my mind.

I know I sound like a broken record with this stuff but it’s so often overlooked and so very important when your in a tough situation like this.

MrMagnolia, no worries on this end, it is appreciated and I am thankful for your concern.

Are you drinking enough water?

Always, I pretty much have a large glass of water w me at all times, even before this $h1tShow. :)

How much exercise are you getting? Any routine in particular?

I've been walking the stairs at work and working out with dumbells doing sets at my desk. Also have been hitting my elliptical 3 times a week.

Have been able to spend some time outdoors enjoying nature?

That has been a lot less than I would like however I did take a nice stroll along the river this morning before work.

How are the kids doing?

They are doing well thanks for asking. We spent the day together yesterday while the wife was out and we had a good time BBQ'd and just spent the day hanging out and playing together.

I'm seeing more clearly the damage the wife has created and her selfish (Cult of I) behavior and how she justifies it in her head. It makes 0 sense and don't see anyway through that mess so staying focused on me. I have two IC's I talk to this week to try and select one of them to move forward with.

Still looking for an infidelity specialist but still coming up short on that one.