SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is broken, you can't fix her.

She does not care about you, she does not respect you or your marriage.

Why are you going to MC when she has made the choice to continue her infidelity?

As everyone says - the object is to get out of infidelity. You are wallowing in it, get out now.

I am working to get out of infidelity, it is quite honestly killing me at this point w regular anxiety attacks. I just see the irrationality and behavior and the only thing that makes sense is an addiction. I just want to try and snap her out of it but I can't.

Yes I've read the material I understand the brain chemistry around it but I have real trouble trying to leave her in that state, though I realize trying to help only creates more resentment.

No doubt I'm flawed and making this harder on myself than it has to be, but how do you abandon someone you have given your heart to for the last 17+ years when they are in such a state?

but how do you abandon someone you have given your heart to for the last 17+ years when they are in such a state?

You start with understanding that that woman only existed in your head. You created that image for your own good, but truth has finally overcome that fantasy.

Reality is that you never married such a woman. From this point forward, everything has a new perspective.

She may never be a suitable partner again, ( if she ever really was)

Again, from my point of view, and the history of hundred that have been through this ahead of you:

Your response needs to be

‘You are free to do all those things, just not as my wife’

That, and only that reality will make her decide what is more important to her. You, or this fantasy.

but how do you abandon someone you have given your heart to for the last 17+ years when they are in such a state?

You can start by understanding that she abandoned you. Really you keep getting the same advice and you won't take it. She has a boyfriend. She has told him she loves him. She has phone sex with him regularly. She has told you she isn't going to stop. She has said that essentially the only thing keeping her from being with him is his location. As soon as that changes they will be together. What "state" is she in? She knows what she is doing. She isn't even bothering to hide it from you. She is just doing it and telling you to accept it.

I am not seeing what is hard for you here. She is both telling you and showing you that the relationship with this OM is more important than her marriage to you. Divorcing her now is not abandonment by you. She did that some time back. All you would be doing is acknowledging the fact.

how do you abandon someone you have given your heart to for the last 17+ years when they are in such a state?

Oh, please. Enough already. You're not a 12 year old. You're a grown man who is allowing himself to be emotionally abused by his wife.

Let me change the scenario for a moment.

Your wife keeps hitting you in the face. It hurts you. A lot. But every time that you tell her how much it hurts, she tells you that she likes it. So she hits you again.

After a while you start wondering - if I tell her to stop hitting me she's going to get mad. Maybe REALLY mad. Maybe she'll even leave me. So you start thinking to yourself, "I'll just stop complaining about it." Or, "She's in such a state that I can't possibly tell her to stop hitting me."

Do you see how ridiculous you sound???

Look, I am all for helping people out of infidelity. But, at some point, you need to step up and demand that your wife stop abusing you.

I have very little tolerance for people who cheat. But I have ZERO tolerance for someone who cheats and continues to shove it in the face of someone who they married. People who love each other don't purposefully hurt the other. So just step up and leave.

But she won't. She just wants to continue to rub your nose in it.

As the others have said - it's time to tell her that if she continues, she leaves. Period. Then show her the door.

She'll be back...

You're correct in that I'm not a child and yes it's painfully obvious where her heart and head is at in all of this.

I have limited options in this if I want to keep my career intact. After today I'm pretty close to just living out of my car for awhile till I can work something out.

Trustedg, twisted, beenthereinco, lifeiscrazy, thanks you're correct and I have no excuse, the info is there and right down to argument tactics and behavior it's right in front of my face that you have this all worked down to a science. I am just having a hard time with it as does everyone I suspect, I just need to take more decisive action and for the record I have been using the " you are free to continue and do as you please, just not as my wife" and several of the other phrases.

I especially like the "I'm trying to hear your words but your actions speak so much louder "

Let me be clear.

You don't love her half as much as you say you do. Why? If you truly loved her with such depth, you'd be willing to risk it all to shake her from her stupor. Divorce papers would have been served.

So, embrace another excuse. How about fear? Or insecurity? Your pick. But don't call it love. A blind man can see it's not love.

Ok tommorrow is what will likely be our final mc meeting.

I have irreconcilable issues on the following.

She violated her boundaries and mine in a two-three week escapade. It spilled to phone-sex and then to snapchat. Suddenly this relationship is more important than me, my boundaries, her boundaries, our family and our marriage.

The outside of game chat continues and they openly say they "love" each other and engage in Second life graphic sex in visual and text. I am not comfortable with this and she can do as she needs to be happy but not as my wife and at the cost of my health and sanity as these things are engaged in on trips to the at all hours with her phone even while we lie in bed together and she will not even aknowledge it as an issue..

I am shaking and getting long winded.. Emotional.. Detaching has been the hardest part of this for me.

She will not sufficiently answer and show me evidence of trustworthiness and trust is a critical part of both family and marriage.

The papers will go through Monday

We need to sort this out.

I am working to get out of infidelity, it is quite honestly killing me at this point w regular anxiety attacks. I just see the irrationality and behavior and the only thing that makes sense is an addiction. I just want to try and snap her out of it but I can't.

Please appraise your idea of work. You may be verbalizing the situation with your wife but very little work has been done in my opinion. I think other members share this sentiment.

You cannot snap someone out of an emotional affair and addiction to online and phone sex. They have to want to affect the change in themselves. She has got to do the work.

From your posts, it is clear that your wife is in the midst of an EA and sex addiction. Instead of taking your feelings into account, she is telling you that the problem is you, not her. She will not want to go to see an IC or receive medical help. They counsellor would not approve of her attitude or behaviour and she would have to admit she has problems, stop cheating, and do the work.

Yes I've read the material I understand the brain chemistry around it but I have real trouble trying to leave her in that state, though I realize trying to help only creates more resentment.

What state are you leaving her in? This sounds like continued justification for rug sweeping the affair.

No doubt I'm flawed and making this harder on myself than it has to be, but how do you abandon someone you have given your heart to for the last 17+ years when they are in such a state?

Perhaps you are in denial. How is refusing to share your wife with other men abandoning her? She has got the best of both worlds. She has two men vying for her attention and love. One in reality and the other one immersed in fantasy. Do you really feel what you are doing or not doing while she is in this "state" is helping her.

Perhaps you are afraid that she will pick her fantasy and the other man? This is a fear all betrayed spouses must face. It comes with living with a spouse engaged in infidelity.

She needs help (IC and medical) to get out of the emotional affair and break the addictive cycle. She has told you she is not going to change. This is her choice to make. Now it is up to you to act upon her decision. Failing to act and acting in such a fashion to embolden her affair is also a choice and has severe consequences as you have already experienced.

You're correct in that I'm not a child and yes it's painfully obvious where her heart and head is at in all of this.

Now you have a decision to make are you going to share your wife with another man?

I have limited options in this if I want to keep my career intact.

Is your mental state having an impact on your job or are you unemployed now. Your original post indicated you were employed in a fashion with access to Forensic Software. I cannot speak for everyone but I am much better out of infidelity than living in it. I function at a much higher level of performance.

After today I'm pretty close to just living out of my car for awhile till I can work something out.

This is ridiculous. You need to see an attorney before you move out of the house.

Trustedg, twisted, beenthereinco, lifeiscrazy, thanks you're correct and I have no excuse, the info is there and right down to argument tactics and behavior it's right in front of my face that you have this all worked down to a science. I am just having a hard time with it as does everyone I suspect, I just need to take more decisive action and for the record I have been using the " you are free to continue and do as you please, just not as my wife" and several of the other phrases.

I especially like the "I'm trying to hear your words but your actions speak so much louder "

Verbalizing sayings from SI will not get you out of infidelity. Actions will.

DF

We know this shit is not easy. We may feel that you are acting too slowly but truth is you have taken steps faster than a majority of those in a similar situation. Confronting a WS that you have spent decades loving but has shown no regard for your pain is not easy to do.

But if you can detach and move forward with serving papers you will be ahead of the curve in taking back your own sanity.

The truth is she may have always been like this, or it can be something changed in her when she started playing the game, but either way she is no longer the person you fell in love with.

We are here for you as you take these steps. Lean on us when you need to, but know that your only way out of this situation, whether via D or if she pulls her head out of her ass, thru R, is the same path forward and you are moving down it well.

Don’t be upset with yourself. No one is an expert at this. Do the best you can. Just knowing you can’t give in to your WW being intimate with another man is the right attitude.

Below are words and actions for you to ponder.

There are two ways out of infidelity. One is divorce and the other is reconciliation. Some elements you control, some you don’t. To divorce all that’s needed is that you or your wife want to divorce. To reconcile BOTH need to want to reconcile.

Tell your wife something similar to the following:

Mrs. Deepfeeler,

I refuse to remain in infidelity. You are free to do whatever you want. There is no need for us to pretend things are fine between us and you don’t have to sneak around with your lover. I am in full acceptance with the fact that if you want to remain in infidelity then our marriage is over. It’s not what I want. I would want (for the sake of our children) to work on our issues. But, I will not share you with other men ... online, on the phone, or physically touching.

You are free to do whatever you want to. You are free to engage in all the online sex and phone sex you wish. You may see OM, date OM, be with OM, travel to Belgium and stay at his house overnight… whatever. But not as my wife.

I am starting the process of getting out of infidelity. It’s both a practical and an emotional journey. I will try to detach emotionally from you and I have started the practical process. If you want to save this marriage you need to tell me so very clearly and show it through action. Until and unless you do so, I am getting out of infidelity. You have until the divorce is finalized to do so. At that point we may start over if I am not so far gone there is no turning back.

Now you are done. No talking, arguing, or interacting... unless she gets IC and medical help.

Turn off the phone and router if they are in your name.

She says blah blah…

“I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then we could address this blah blah. Since you are committed to remaining in infidelity there really isn’t any reason to go there.”

Implement the 180. Use the conversation stoppers. Respond to any chatter with the above statement. She must understand you are getting out of infidelity with or without her.

After she is served with divorce papers then use this phrase if she wants to talk about divorce.

“Now, I am too attached to this marriage to talk about D. There are known processes, laws and regulations dealing with this and when appropriate I will get a professional to ensure it’s fair.”

( I attribute the contents of this phrasing to Bigger)

Now start working on yourself.

You need ic to overcome your fear and sense of loss.

Everything else will fall into place.

Let's be honest. You already know her mindset. So the issue now is you, not her.

(1) divorce papers, even if the situation subsequently improves

(2) individual counseling

You're living in a cage of mental illness brought on by the chemical that induces the sickness known as 'love'.

You are being ripped apart because of this.

The issue isn't your wife is cheating.

The issue is you're still with her. I don't blame you. You are dealing with mental illness and that's hard to fight.

But the first step is saying 'no' to the chemicals coursing their your brain and leaving this waste of bodily fluids behind.

The chemical, when not continuously fed, will eventually stop being effective and you can live a better life.

Do what ever you can to get her served tomorrow! Everyday she gets exponentially farther away.... lost in this crap.

If you really want to help he she needs a slap of reality upside the head... preferably at work where it is visible, she cant hide it, and she can't run to her second life shell for comfort!

Only then can you expect her to notice you... odds are she she knows you truly love her and that you meant it when you said "till death" so she just takes that and you for granted... all the while she is replacing you in this online world right in front of your face, and hiding behind "but it's not like I'm doing it IRL....".

She needs to realize that her actions have affected her IRL!

I'm worried about you. Have you seen a doctor about your anxiety? Stress? Worried about your blood pressure.

I'm also worried because you make comments like live out of my car, just take off... You really need to talk to your lawyer about leaving the house.

You also make comments that make me think you are still trying to convince her that the real world is better than the virtual world (pick-me dance). Going out as a family, taking her out to dinner and or a movie. All this does is reinforce the fact that she can have both. That you are willing to work around her video time. Are you still sleeping in the same bed or did you stay on the couch? She sees your actions and words too. You can tell her you won't stand for this behavior as your wife but if you actions are to get her involved in family non virtual activities then your actions are showing her that you WILL accept this (despite your words). Of course she will keep you and the game there are no consequences.

Yes I've read the material I understand the brain chemistry around it but I have real trouble trying to leave her in that state, though I realize trying to help only creates more resentment.

You are not the person that can convince her that what she is doing is wrong. This is one of those cases where you might have to leave the marriage to save it. Did you ever get a hold of her sister?

How are the kids taking this? Who takes them to their games? School events? Makes dinner? Do they ever comment about Mom on the game all the time?

Again please get checked out by a doctor. I think you may need a wake-up call about what this affair is physically doing to you.

Our posts seemed to have crossed paths. Good luck in MC. I hope it does not go as poorly as last time. Perhaps the MC will be successful in addressing "your" irreconcilable issues. I have my doubts and fears. Last time after MC things got worse and it emboldened your wife to continue the EA and pursue online and phone sex.

If you do not get the help you need, please consider separate IC and medical help. You may wish to address your mental and health issues associated with living in infidelity. You should also work to gain the strength to detach and act to get out of infidelity.

Perhaps your wife may seek IC and medical help as well to end the EA and stop the sex addiction...online and phone sex. She also needs to identify something to fill the void and understand why she needs to engage in this activity. However,she has indicated in the past she will not change her behavior. Prepare yourself to go it alone.

"The papers will go through Monday." I am sorry your wife placed you in this situation. My suggestion is to keep drama to a minimum. You need help in real life to process what you are going through and get out of infidelity. Please seek IC and medical help. Dealing with infidelity is difficult. Use every tool at your disposal to take care of yourself.

She's treating you as good as you demand and as bad as you allow. You don't demand to be treated well and you allow her to treat you horribly. You allow her to cuckold you right in front of your face so she does. I knew when you first started posting that this is where it was heading because you were taking a very weak stance in all this. Others told you the same thing. She now has zero respect for you because you tolerate her cheating and blatant disrespect. She can't love someone she doesn't respect. If you had taken a very strong stance from the minute you found out she'd have been on her knees begging you to give her another chance and done anything you ask. As is I think the only strong thing you can do now is divorce her, kick her out of your life, and move on. Do that for you, you won't regret it.

For future posters that are in a similar situation and a Google search led you to this thread, PLEASE listen to the people here with experience. DO NOT act weak about these things or you're done. LISTEN to the advice you're given here and follow it. It doesn't guarantee success but it does give you your best chance at it. In this particular case I knew from day one exactly where this was heading and it headed exactly where I thought. LISTEN TO THE ADVICE GIVEN AND FOLLOW IT!

[This message edited by CincyKid at 2:19 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

DF, just joining this thread. I can't add much to the amazing advice you've received here. I do want to simply add two things.

1. How can someone fall in love with a person a world away? My WH did the same thing. He had a similar relationship with a woman in another country with no real plans of ever getting together IRL. When I gave him the same ultimatum "Feel free to continue this behavior, but not as my husband" he wrote an email that crushes me to the core to this day. He wrote that he "Didn't know how he was going to go on without *her* in his life". I couldn't fathom how it could be so hard to imagine moving on to a M with me, rather than an internet romance. When he got his head out of his ass he said that he realized it was the fantasy and escape that he was addicted to. THAT was what he really didn't know how to go on without. His AP was just the doorway to the escape/fantasy life.

I'm glad you are having her served. You're really doing great so far. You've held together through some of the worst crap life can unexpectedly throw at you.

The other thing I want to say is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE see your Dr. I was seeing my own IC when Dday happened and due to my insanely high anxiety and panic attacks she encouraged me to go to my Dr. I'm glad I did. My Dr. gave me Xanax, which I never actually took. But going there, talking to my Dr., getting the script to keep for emergencies, all helped tremendously. Just knowing I had the Xanax if needed had a weird calming effect on me. Also, while in IC I worked on other calming strategies to stop the adrenaline rush that leads from anxiety to full on panic/anxiety attack.

Your health is critical to your healing and being there for your children regardless of the outcome of your M.

Again, you are really doing well considering the extent of the trauma you are enduring.

Wishing you Peace and Clarity as you continue forward.

Cincy, I agree wholeheartedly.

Weakness is a recipe for failure

"I am shaking and getting long winded.. Emotional.. Detaching has been the hardest part of this for me."

Your feelings are normal. It's not easy to remove yourself emotionally. Please understand that we all understand what you're going through. Everyone here wants to help you get through the insanity in order that you can arrive to a place of mental sanity. You're doing great given what you're involved in. Keep moving forward one step at a time. It will eventually get better.