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My advice would be to stop talking to her. Your willingness to not file at fault was predicated on her cooperation. Let your attorney handle that. It's what you're paying him for. Your goal is to get yourself and your kids out of infidelity with as many of your assets intact as possible, right? From here, it looks like she's trying to figure out how much you know and how much you can prove. Your interactions with her appear to be emboldening her.

In the Healing Library, you'll find articles on The 180. I think you'd do well to implement it and keep it tight. It's going to help you disengage emotionally and it's going to help you keep your cards closer to the vest. You might even get a parenting app if your kids have lots of activities, so she can't claim you're not keeping her informed as a co-parent. The goal is to not speak to her about anything which doesn't involve parenting or immediate budgetary needs. And if you're smart, you'll get all your interactions in writing through email or text. That way, you've got a paper trail.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:53 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

Yeah, I know. Stop talking. Although my attorney says it's OK to keep talking if we can negotiate a settlement ourselves -- and that's still possible, I just think she's trying to come to terms with she needs to move out.

Anything she learns about how much I know is only surprising her, so that's keep her off balance and making her less sure about her own position.

As for the people who keep saying contact the OBS -- I'm following my lawyer's advice on that.

Although my attorney says it's OK to keep talking if we can negotiate a settlement ourselves -- and that's still possible, I just think she's trying to come to terms with she needs to move out.

Problem is though, that when you end up getting drawn into an argument, it's not really negotiating. You could try moving the venue to email. That should keep the heat out of it. In written communications you each have to think about what you're going to say because you each know the other has written proof of the interaction.

You might check in with the good folks in the Divorce/Separation forum for more advice on how to negotiate with an unrepentant cheater. Also, have a read on the Fear vs. Reality thread. I bumped it up for you.

Has your attorney given you a rational for not exposing?

Not exposing has successfully been used as leverage in getting a more favorable outcome. She wants to keep secrets - she can pay for it.

Please understand that she is now your enemy.

You do not tell an enemy what you know nor what you intend to do. Think of it as a battle plan.

You should also keep in mind that anything said by an enemy is for their benefit intended to get info to use against you.

Anything you hear from her should be considered with that in mind. Don't expect honesty nor truth.

Wow Aucky, you're awesome. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't get discouraged and don't tip your hand. I hope for the best outcome for you. Take care of yourself.

If Aucky is dead set on D, and his STBX is cooperating in a beneficial D settlement, then there is no sensible reason to upset the apple cart and disclose the A to everyone right now. Keep the STBX in the land of rainbows and unicorns while she gives away the farm. I am sure that is the advice coming from his attorney. It makes sense too.

Now...if things go South in the D and the STBX starts fighting over everything, that is a different story. In that case, by all means, use the threat of exposure as a tactic to get what you want or expose to the world if it becomes necessary to destroy her support with friends and family.

As for the OM's wife, she has a right to know and you might even feel you have an obligation to tell her, but don't do it at your own expense. Do it when it doesn't cost you anything or after the D when you want to set the record straight with all your friends and family.

Has your attorney given you a rational for not exposing?

Yeah, I'm not quite getting that either. I assume the attorney, or you, have a plan, but if you file for divorce and fault the infidelity to get a better settlement, I don't see the point on waiting. How can you get a better deal without exposing, as oppose to putting that in the divorce right now? If you get a great settlement, you can always give her more than the court decrees, or more alimony than she was awarded, but you will have to option to do that as your discretion, not the courts.

I'm not seeing the upside to not exposing. Is she soft selling cooperation?

The main reason to not tell the other spouse yet is it's still a piece of leverage in negotiations.

Yup. As long as you know you’re heading to D then exposure should be used to extract as much water out of the rock as possible.

Light counterpoint - it’s not ethical to keep it from the OBS, but whatever. These are not perfect times that you live in.

The main reason to not tell the other spouse yet is it's still a piece of leverage in negotiations.

And that is a good reason why I could never be an attorney. Advocating the use of an innocent person's life as a negotiating tool I could not do.

Based on a conversation earlier today I think they're still in touch, so going to tell OBS.

Aucky, you posted just as I was about to question you not exposing.

I think you have made the right decision. In a divorce, your attorney needs to get you the best settlement anyway he can, and it seems exposing her as cheater might get you more. A lot more.

Even if you can get all of the assets, you can always be magnanimous after the fact.

If you get screwed over in court because you didn't expose, you wouldn't have that option.

It's better to have options!

Good luck, brother!

AA. I’m sorry you have to continue to be subjected to this emotional roller coaster ride.

I have no opinion on if you say something to the OBS because I understand your position.

When it was clear we were headed for a D I refused to battle the OW. My sister was telling me to confront her (there was no OBS as she was single). I refused b/c if in fact she became the stepmother or my CH’s GF - I wanted our interactions with the kids to be as smooth as possible.

Now that children are older I don’t need to consider that dynamic anymore and I would handle things very differently.

I would follow your attorney’s advice. Telling now or a few months from now may not make a difference for your marriage but it may impact negotiations and settlement if you D.

FWIW my H & I were at Divorce for six months. He continued to cheat but I had no idea. How we reconciled I have no idea but we did and it’s been 5 years and it is a good marriage again. We survived it (luckily).

Hope you can get off the infidelity roller coaster ride soon.

I get the logic of no exposure but I've not seen it get much.

I just wanted to add that you might want to check out the D/S forum. Much good advice is given to those who care to enter. Divorce is a long hard road and it helps to talk to those going through similar situations and those who have already been down that road. Also, telling the OBS is a personal choice. I am sure you will when the time is right for you. Until then, don't feel pressured to do anything that your lawyer advises against at this time. I am sorry to read your story. It never ceases to amaze me of the cruelty of some WS's. Hang in there. Your doing great!!

AA

Hope your navigating through your situation the best you can AA. Been thinking of you. Wishing you the best.

Hows it going?

[This message edited by Marz at 4:57 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]