SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hugs, Fleury.

It is an ugly, horrible disease. It's incredibly powerful. And the damage is so far reaching.

I've just come from an Al-Anon meeting, and I'm floored by all the stories, all the pain and messed up lives.

One day at a time.

Another hug!! {{{ }}}

[This message edited by Compartmented at 9:33 PM, October 21st (Sunday)]

My WH is an alcoholic. He even admits that he is. He is a functional alcoholic, but when he gets home at night the first thing he does is make himself a "toddy". My XWH was also an alcoholic and quit about 10 years before we finally divorced. He just replaced his drinking witch other addictions. He fell off the wagon after the divorce and wound up in inpatient rehab. I was never a really big drinker, but after I met WH#2, I also started to drink everyday. It eventually had very negative effects on my health and I stopped drinking over a year ago and have no desire to ever drink again. I have tried to talk to WH about his drinking and how that probably contributed to his affair fog. At first, or rather after DDay #2 he was going to stop drinking, go to IC, etc..He managed about a week of slowed down drinking and went to 3 IC meetings then quit.

I know I can't change him and he has to hit rock bottom before he will stop and maybe not even then. I have no desire to go to AlAnon. I spent enough time there growing up as my father was also an alcoholic. I guess my only option now is to get away from it for good and I am working on that now. Anyway, just venting.

Thanks for the hugs!

I need to remember one day at a time and the fact that what happens when he is drinking is not my fault or my responsibility. When he makes a mess he gets to clean it up...not me.

Course that didn't help me get much sleep last night but maybe tonite!

Another one who was married to an alcoholic sending hugs.

I think it is so true that they don't realize what they've done & That the OP is also a drinker.

Mine was always a beeraholic but all of the sudden he started drinking vodka tonics...or should I say gulping vodka tonics.... looking back, it was about the time he started seeing her.

We have to remember that they are suffering from an illness and there is nothing we can do. The change needs to come from them. It is a devastating way of life, and we have to decide if we want them to bring us down with them.

I know my ex will never hit rock-bottom. It always was an issue to me, and it makes this divorce a little easier as I think back to all the times I was pissed that he was drunk.

[This message edited by Jayne Doe at 3:58 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]

Trustgone-

It might not be a bad idea to try going to a ALANON meeting.

You may have a different experience because you are now attending as a wife of an alcoholic as opposed to a child of an alcoholic.

Also every meeting has a slightly different feel to it depending on those that attend.

You may just find a group where you feel very comfortable.

It doesn't take much more than 2 drinks to get him plastered due to the gastric bypass surgery.

Was H a drinker before the surgery? There is new info that men who have gastric bypass surgery become alcoholics.

My XSO is one of them. He was never a drinker. Had the surgery at 40 and by age 42 was drinking straight vodka.

And on the topic of Al-anon, I went to a meeting this weekend. I came away feeling that it is MY weakness that I broke up with XSO due to his drinking. Alanon teaches you and supports you while you have the alcoholic in your life. But I got rid of him.

So I came away with the feeling that Alanon isnt for me. I no longer live with my alcoholic XSO. I no longer have to deal with him.

So, was it strength or weakness that made me get rid of him?

Alanon teaches you and supports you while you have the alcoholic in your life. But I got rid of him.

Sunny, this is a very common thought process when many of us have been affected by loving an A, but the truth is the program isn't about living with an A, it's about dealing with all the effects alchoholism has had on our lives. There are layers and layers to the program and you that takes years to recover. My dad is my qualifier, he's been sober 2yrs and i am still in Alanon learning, growing and helping others as well. My experience has been when we think we think we no longer need the program, that it's at that time, we need it most. Much Peace to you!!

[This message edited by Betrayal at 2:03 PM, October 25th (Thursday)]

***bump***

XWH is an alcoholic. He was drinking when he cheated the first time. White Knuckled it for four years - was committed to R, our family, during that time. We moved across the country, and started a new life together.

But he never got help, and continued down into the depression that happens when you dont.

He started drinking again about a year ago. In Semptember while working out of state, he called and broke up with me. Now I know he was cheating on me, again, here and there where he was working.

It goes hand in hand with him. Cheating and drinking. Just wrote him a long letter telling him that he needs to sober up. I know it probably won't do much good, but he has kids who need him.

Sad sad state of affairs, no pun intended.

Just sharing, another boat in the pond.

My FWH doesn't admit to a drinking problem. He started drinking during his A and has incresed gradually. I didn't realize how much he was drinking as he has a fridge in his woodshop and spends lots of time there. He started getting a drink when he came in the house 32oz. glass. When I asked him he said it was mostly ice. I have measured to see how much he is drinking. I fear he is on his way to serious problems(health) and others.

The title of this post caught my eye. I am detaching from him. I don't love who he has become, I know I don't like him and I don't like myself. I worry about him. Anyway you probably know most of what I'm feeling.

I just wonder how many WS were. are or become alcholics and if anyone has a clue as to why.

My FWH doesn't admit to a drinking problem. He started drinking during his A and has incresed gradually. I didn't realize how much he was drinking as he has a fridge in his woodshop and spends lots of time there. He started getting a drink when he came in the house 32oz. glass. When I asked him he said it was mostly ice. I have measured to see how much he is drinking. I fear he is on his way to serious problems(health) and others.

The title of this post caught my eye. I am detaching from him. I don't love who he has become, I know I don't like him and I don't like myself. I worry about him. Anyway you probably know most of what I'm feeling.

I just wonder how many WS were. are or become alcholics and if anyone has a clue as to why.

There is an 'addictive personality'.

That may be why so many WS do have issues with addiction as well.

Two books that helped me understand this were:

The Addictive Personality by Craig Naaken and Reclaim Your Family From Addiction by Craig Naaken.

Beyond substance abuse, an addiction may involve any behavior -- gambling, spending money, eating, having sex, etc. -- that interferes with your daily life.

You can consider yourself addicted if…

you get defensive or irritable when people criticize it

you feel guilty about it

you try to cover it up or get secretive

you're unable to cut down

Whatever the source, addictions affect the "reward area" of the brain. Addicts experience a "rush" when they engage in the behavior they're addicted to. The craving for that rush keeps them from being able to quit.

(quote from the American Psychiatric Association)

I am so annoyed with xwh He is not following the Divorce Agreement once again...this is the last thing he has control over me. I don't want to have to lawyer up

Of course, I have to wonder if he is drinking again or is he just being spiteful or both.

It could be that he is drinking again and that's why he is acting irresponsibly.

What is he not doing?

Does it have to do with child support or alimony?

If so...maybe you could change the agreement and have it come out of his paycheck and go through the courts?

Is it possible for an active alcoholic BS to process and heal from the affair before they have dealt with their addiction?

He stopped drinking in Jan of 2012, had a sponser and attended weekly AA meetings for 2 months. Then he stopped attending meetings, started finding reasons he couldn't meet with his sponser, went from "I am quitting for me to be healthy." to "I only quit because you and the kids said I have a problem. My friends say I don't have a problem." Started withdrawing again, stopped IC after 6 sessions. Won't do MC. And, in Nov. said he wanted a divorce. Began drinking again, that same day. We are both still here, but it is miserable for everyone. The really sad part is, when he was sober, he recognized how much better he was with the kids (more patient, involved, etc)and he has now reverted back to the angry, loud, "you can't do anything right" dad.

Hello all,

I'm a lurker who feels very nervous about posting on this entire site, but I think that I've finally found my place in this specific forum. Or at least, I hope so. This is the one topic I really, truly relate to, above all others.

I'll try to post more of my story as things come up, but for now I just want to say hello, and I'm happy to have found this thread.

I will say that my experience with infidelity lies in my past, and that I have both been cheated on and cheated on others myself. (Seems to go hand and hand with active alcoholism, IMO.) I'm also on both sides of alcoholism - I AM one (almost 4 years sober, woohoo!!), and I'm married to a sober alcoholic. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family, but so far, I'm the only one to get sober.

Anyway. That's enough for now. Hello and I hope y'all are okay with me posting here. :)

OH and to 1Day - you asked,

"Is it possible for an active alcoholic BS to process and heal from the affair before they have dealt with their addiction?"

In my opinion and experience...no. Part of active alcoholism is escaping feelings and reality. I know that I didn't deal with, or process ANYTHING while I was drinking. That's half the reason I drank in the first place! To avoid dealing with life on life's terms.

Hugs and hang in there.

Seems to go hand and hand with active alcoholism, IMO.

This concept of infidelity going hand in hand with alcoholism/addiction is something I've mulled over a lot.

On one hand, totally! OW1 was my husband's prescription drug dealer. OW2 was, if not an alcoholic, a problem drinker. In both situations, their relationships were enmeshed with substances. WH and OW1 never hung out unless he was getting pills. WH and OW2 never spent time with eachother without booze and lots of it. Even when they did cross paths sober (like at work), their feelings were powered by exchanges that had occurred while drunk. My WH's only love letter to OW2 was written while severely hungover from a night of drinking together.

My WH is an alcoholic. Even the pills themselves are interesting because they aren't his drug of choice (that would be booze) but, like other women, pills are an escape. Present him with an opportunity to run away from himself and his issues - he'll take it.

So, that's where I sometimes take the substances out of it and think to myself that, even if he wasn't an alcoholic, he'd have serious issues. He'd self-soothe in other destructive ways. And that's where I separate the issues of infidelity and alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease. A physical disease as much as a mental and emotional one. But his escapism is not a physical disease. Low self-esteem and needing external validation and ego strokes - that is an issue in and of itself even if the alcoholism contributed to his crappy feelings about himself.

Or is it simply that his alcoholism led to escapist tendencies, i.e. he learned how great it was to escape (with booze) so he found other ways to escape, too.

I'm rambling here, but I would love to hear others' perspectives. I mean, do you see the infidelity as a symptom of alcoholism (just as lying or meanness can be a symptom of alcoholism and not necessarily the alcoholic's true nature?) Or do you totally separate them? I just don't want to get caught in a situation where I blame the booze for the women. Yet, I can't see how booze didn't play a role. My husband is 100+ days sober now and his escapist tendencies are there, but so muted. Very muted. It is all very confusing.

Ahh, this question even affects my own steps in al-anon. Because of the desire to detach and see alcoholism as a disease and to show compassion for the alcoholic. Those things all become more difficult because of the infidelity.

IMHO there is definitely a correlation between alcoholism and addiction and infidelity.

Not all cheaters are alcoholics but all alcoholics eventually cheat.

I wish I had realized that because I dealt with my FWH as a functional alcoholic through out our marriage and believe it or not the one thing that he used to throw out at me when we would argue about his drinking was that he may not be doing everything that he should but the one thing he would never do was cheat!

ha!

it may have taken him 25 yrs to get to that point but eventually he did.

And...his MOW/co-worker was a drinking buddy (surprise, surprise).

He has said that a big part of the attraction was that she did not judge him for the drinking and instead encouraged it.

Drinking together was always a preliminary to the sexcapades.

So, part of the attraction for him was that she was the opposite of me.

I was his conscience reminding him what a screw up he was while she was his ego stroke who encouraged the drinking etc.

Alcoholics/addicts are also incredibly selfish and insensitive to the needs of others.

Our spouses may have been selfish to begin with but alcoholism makes them even more selfish.

The alcoholic mind blurs out personal ethics and values and only cares about feeding its pleasures and desires.

I realize now looking back that all of his years of drinking binges after work etc. laid the ground work for him to be able to compartmentalize a LTA.

There are similarities.

When he would go out after work he would compartmentalize and not think about home and his responsibilities there.

Drinking in the bar with his drinking buddies, blowing smoke up each other's asses, bragging, etc. was a world apart from his day to day life as a husband, father, professional.

The LTA was similar in that she was a drinking buddy and f-buddy. She was part of this compartmentalized world.

He always kept both world's separate so why not the LTA?

There was also a similar pattern to his guilt about the LTA and his drinking.

After a heavy night of drinking, the alcoholic becomes sober and has to deal with the consequences of their addiction.

The alcoholic often says to himself that" this will be the last time that I do this".

My FWH said the same thing about the LTA.

He said that after an encounter with the MOW he would regret it and tell himself that this would be the last time ....

but then just like with his drinking he would succumb again and repeat the pattern all over again.

It wasn't until d-day that my FWH finally hit bottom and woke up.

I was furious and kicked him out and he knew that I was serious about filing for divorce.

It was as if his eyes were finally opened to how low he had sunk.

He went NC with the MOW immediately and never contacted her again (not even when we were living apart and seemed headed for divorce!)

He got sober and has stayed sober ever since (over 6 years now).

He went to AA and did the 90 meetings in 90 days to start and continues to attend AA today.

He went to IC for 1 and 1/2 years.

He had compartmentalized his life to such an extent that it appeared as if he was shocked at his own behavior.

It's hard to describe this to someone who has not lived this but he actually appeared surprised himself at what he was capable of.

We were separated for 6 months and I did file for divorce but eventually withdrew the divorce complaint and decided to try to R due the changes he had made in himself.