SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Drivemecrazy-

Alcoholics tend to be avoidant personalities. They would do anything to avoid conflict.

They used to use alcohol to avoid dealing with things.

Now that they are sober it's even more difficult to face things-especially to deal with the fall out of their infidelity.

My FWH went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs after d-day. Along with AA meetings-this was very crucial in our reconciliation.

The IC helped him to understand how traumatic the LTA was for me and that it was not something that I could just get over now that he was being a 'good husband'.

Does your FWH got to AA? IC?

well...same story..different weekend. I am getting so discouraged not only about WH remorse for the A, or what I see as a lack of caring in fixing us, but also with the alcohol, and his denial.

we had plans to meet an out of town friend on saturday that we had not seen in a year as he doesn't come into town often. I expressed concern to H beforehand, i love this friend and wanted to go see him, however he drinks a lot and i told H i was concerned that H would want to drink a lot and that he would be mean to me, we would fight, etc. H assured me this wouldnt happen. I was doubtful but i still want so badly for my H to prove to me he is capable of being the good guy so i went along.

We were at a restaurant/bar. We were having fun. The plan was to go out early and be home early. Everything was falling into place. I had two beers, and a shot. I switched to soda after that for the last hour an a half or so. I was perfectly ok with this, I was driving us, i didnt want to be impaired, i didnt want to fight, i didnt want to feel bad in the morning, and i was genuinely enjoying myself even drinking the soda.

I expected H would continue drinking but not to the extent he did. While he was initially drinking beer with me, when i first switched to soda he had another beer, then the beer turns into rum, then shot turns into multiple shots and before I know it he is four drinks up on me and I am angry.

We leave and I tell him I am angry that I dont understand why he needed to drink that much. World War three ensues...ending with what a horrible person I am, I cheated on him, i am choosing to be unhappy, Im a crazy bitch, he's tired of dealing with me. he goes abck and forth between telling me that I am also drunk and thats why im picking a fight (neither are true) and telling me that hes sorry that I am sober and therefore not able to have a good time with him 9also not true). I asked him at one point which one is it? am i drunk or am i sober?

Sunday came and we actually had a very nice family day, no talk of the night before at all. Im jsut feeling so discouraged.

Not really looking for anything just know that some of you will understand.

Oh and to top it off, Friday at counseling, IC told me pretty much she doesnt think hes ever going to "get it"...

Thank you njgal480,

back to my dilemma on my husband behavior. I do not see everything, but I know he has a bottle of rhum and coke ALWAYS in his backpack. How much does he drink? I do not know. When he has done it in front of me, I saw him drinking 4-5 glasses in one evening. Once I found a bottle of rhum hidden in the trunk of his car. Being functional, it is really hard to measure how serious the problem is. He is an EA emotionally unavailable person. I am getting to the last straw on dealing with this, but I am willing to give it a last try. How can I tell, how much his behavior is driven by his drinking and how much it is just his nature? Any tips? Please help

yikes, that doesn't sound good, hon. Is he supposed to be drinking? to both of you spidysense and sissi12.

In order to R, drinking is a no tolerance in our relationship. He drinks and we're out the door. He knows that. Personally I do not drink bc of my H's silent alcoholism. They cannot be in a drinking environment. H's drinking buddies. Gone.

From experience, they won't stop until something stops them from drinking. It's a brain disease. Alcoholics are always under the influence and just looking for more. I know because it took my H 13 years to stop drinking. The day I left him. Well, he had a few slip ups here and there. I calmly told him his drinking was unacceptable and we had MC the next day.

We now have weekly joint and individual therapy with our chemical dependency therapists. It has helped so much. I've never had a drinking problem, but in order to understand the disease better, we've chosen chemical dependency therapists.

I'm sorry you went through this.

It doesn't look good. Have you tried AA? I think they both have a really bad problem with drinking. And, with alcohol in the picture, they will never be emotionally available until they stop. hugs.

sissi, it's mostly the work of alchohol. I've had 3 therapists tell me so...there's so much to addiction people don't know... :(

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:58 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

I do not think it is ever going to get better. After the fight we had Saturday night which was initiated on his decision to drink in excess...again...last night I was exhausted, i left my house at 5am yesterday and didn't return home until 730pm busy the entire time. Come 9 i was falling asleep on the couch. come 930 my H is telling me he is going to go have drinks with the neighbor for a little bit.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? We just had an awful fight Saturday, im exhausted..why am I exhausted? Oh yeah because i have to get up 1.5hours earlier than normal so that I can drive you to work because you have no license before i come home and get myself ready for my job. and you want to start drinking at 930 at night? the neighbor doesnt have to get up at 530 to go to work, hes off tomorrow, his wife is in the process of moving out, really this is going to be a one beer and home? no, and i know better.

H asks me if i want to go three times, i tell him no every time, why would i want to go, no i dont want to drink, no im tired. finally i get mad say im going to take a shower and go to bed. he just leaves, doesnt poke his head in the bathroom, doesnt tell the kids to go to bed, doesnt ask if im ok, doesnt change his plan, nope just goes anyway.

i sent him some texts, cant believe you went, my feelings are hurt etc. After about 30 minutes and a couple drinks he comes home, proceeds to tell me as im in tears trying to tell him why im upset, he tells me im being dramatic, im over reacting...he's soooo sorry (sarcasm) didnt realize id care...and on and on. finally after much screaming i went to sleep on the couch. after about 20 minutes he asks me to come back to bed (although not in a nice way. what he says is "So you make this big deal about me leaving but you dont even want to sleep in the same room as me?") so anyway i get up and go to bed with him, not because i wanted to honestly, but because i was trying. Whats it going to hurt, if im still mad i can always get up and go back to the couch, but maybe me coming into bed will help him calm down and understand im not being crazy.

So he apologizes, honestly though, it sounds backhanded to me. What he says is "im sorry that you are so upset, i wasnt trying to upset you, i didnt know you would be so upset" to me its all focused on me, im upset my problem etc. a sincere apology to me would have been im sorry i choose to leave knowing you were upset, im sorry that i choose alcohol, friends, etc over you AGAIN. Im sorry i didnt keep my word that i would stop behaving in ways that make you feel like this. but maybe im just being overly sensitive.

anyway, so he apologizes. I take it as an opening and i am trying to explain to him how im feeling because he keeps telling me that im being ridiculous. that all he wants is me and he thinks its BS that i dont believe that. so i am trying to tell him what is happening within our M with his reactions, behaviors, words (nice loving words) that make me feel like i do. He immediately gets mad and says "GD spidey, i just apologized to you and all you can still say is what im doing wrong"

Can someone help me, im not trying to attack him, im just trying to help him see because i feel like he doesnt.

He then went on to bring up my As (reminder we are MH) and how he doesnt trust me etc. i was so vulnerable to him. I gently reminded him that i do not deserve his trust yet, but reminded him of what i have been doing that continues to build trust with him. I think he sees me as this evil force in his life, do i drive him to drink? life with me is so miserable otherwise?

UGH

Spidey, sounds like a horrible night for all of you. He's an alcoholic, sweetie. He won't get better until he stops drinking. And, with your A's, he's drowning his pain. There's probably many more layers to both the damage you have both endured and are still enduring. MC/IC/12 step/AA/Al-anon would be a step in the right direction at this point.

Spidey- I'm sorry that you are having all this turmoil in your life...but, if you step back and look at everything you will notice a pattern.

And that is...that alcohol is a huge issue here.

If he and you both could get 100% sober you would be amazed at the new life you could have together.

I have never been a drinker so after my FWH got sober it was no problem for me to support him in his sobriety by not drinking.

I basically have a 'new' husband and we have a 'new' marriage.

It can happen..but, like Liberty says you need to do the work...AA, IC, MC.

It sounds as if deep down the two of you do have a lot of love for each other but all of the alcoholic binges etc. are negatively impacting your life together.

thanks guys! cant imagine that i will ever get him to quit drinking but i appreciate the insight.

I know it's hard Spidey. I told myself the same thing for a decade. There was nothing I could do to stop his drinking. That is, until I found out about the A's and left him. Took a while, but now he's been sober for over a 100 days, going to AA and IC/MC with me. I NEVER IMAGINED THE DAY. I thought he'd be a drunk for life and I would have left him. But, we're hanging in there. My personal dealbreaker is if he EVER lifted a finger on the boys and I. Oh, man, I'd have a boot party with my brothers on his a**. lol. He defenitely knows that...

Good luck, sweetie.

I agree with Libertyrocks.

I was married for 30 yrs when I found out about the LTA.

I kicked him out of the house.

That was hitting bottom for him.

He went NC with the OW, got sober, went to AA, and went to IC.

I had put up with his drinking etc. for 30 yrs. fighting about it etc. and I thought that he would never be able to stop. That I did not have that much influence on him.

I wish I had taken a hard stance with him much earlier because maybe we could have avoided the whole infidelity mess and the hurt and pain it brought along with it.

But, hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?

I am grateful for the second chance we have now for a happy, healthy, sober life together.

Kudos to you --- I wish I would be at that point.

taking a hard stance - I wish I would have done that.

As I said not too far upthread, same story here - on my way out the door, ducks in a row to D...and sobriety happens. I do know I was the reason he got his shit together at first. 7 months later, I think it is more for himself.

Sissi -

You say it is hard to determine how serious the problem is. You say that he is functional. And I get that - I know what the term means and my WH mostly followed the functional stereotype. Actually a pretty great husband, didn't hang at the bars all the time, rarely falling down drunk, always at work, and so on. But when you peel away the layers - what is functional about it? The guy cheated on you. You said he's emotionally unavailable. The constant need to have access to alcohol. That is a serious problem, "functional" or not. I had to peel those layers, too. Take care, Sissi.

We have not done ic or MC, or aa of any kind. He had a dui a couple years ago and still has all the paperwork. Books, etc. I am being the procrastinator on the iC, MC because I have had bad experience in the past. He was going to check into inpatient treatment but it was going to cost us thousands which we don't have, and due to income won't qualify for help. He is doing good...he has not touched a drink or a drug. He is working out, he is back to his religion which we are embracing as a family...and I believe he can keep this up...

My last post is so late on this thread...sorry! My h was heavy drinking for years. Nothing I could do or say got him to stop or slow down at all...instead he started going out all the time...he was home every night but gone for hours each day "with his friends" turned out he was having an LTA....he stopped cold turkey right after dday...which was a couple months after he was going to check into a sobriety clinic. He has been sober for 7 months now...hasn't touch drink or drug. I guess they have to hit the bottom and realize their safety net is disappearing for them to change. It's messed up. The drinking is a dealbreaker for me now...if he goes back to that I will be done because I will not go down that road again.

I have never dated a person that was an alcoholic, yet I found myself dating a recovering one that states he did not drink for the last 5 yrs. I met him 3 yrs ago, told me he hadn't had a drink for 2 yrs, was devoted to staying sober. Yet....he also admitted that he did not align with the 12 Steps of AA. He briefly attended, and stated it "was not for him, it's a cult". He also shared that he skipped one of the most crucial steps in recovery or in self awareness period as an adult...Step Four...Personal Inventory. He avoided talking about his feelings like his life depended on it. He made himself look politically correct by attending therapy...where he only agreed to going 1x a month. Keep in mind he began drinking heavy at age 20 - his emotional growth stopped there if not before based upon his family of origin disallowing emotional expression. You aren't committed to full recovery if you refuse to address your self or your personal inventory. I wasted 3 yrs with a DRY DRUNK, sober didn't mean a thing, he handled everything the same as if he was still a drunk. Emotionally incapable of intimacy. He quit smoking last year, and focused quickly on escaping deeper into his addiction with secret gambling, then of course, dealing with his anger with sex. He justifies it in his mind, what else could he do? He cannot address his emotional immaturity???? Don't ask that of him!! Don't believe the hype or facade of someone trying to fake it till you make it. You cannot skip getting to know your thoughts, feelings, self and expect to be there for anyone. This man didn't know what he was feeling when you would ask him, it was like the hardest test question for him to answer. He'd say "Your attacking me!" when you would ask what he is feeling, that is how distorted their thinking is when they aren't self aware. It was very deceiving what I was lead to believe and all his friends were fooled too!!

He posts bible verses on facebook and hides behind his "righteousness" praises to God, yet will lie to those he is intimate with and betray them. It doesn't get much sicker than that. The demons this man struggles with are his own, I can't be affected by his distorted selfish sick ways. Be forewarned that a human that lacks the definition of integrity...is not aligning with growth....PERIOD. He admitted that when he was married for 12 yrs while actively drinking he cheated w/numerous women, some also married. Lacking all morals.

Look at one's actions aligning with what they say, what they do, if they avoid self introspection....RUN LIKE THE DEVIL!

[This message edited by truthislove at 7:54 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Truthislove-

What you say is so true.

It is so important that the alcoholic/addict does the 'work' in order to truly get sober.

Stopping drinking is NOT enough. That is called a 'dry drunk'.

A recovering alcoholic does have to take a personal inventory and has to do a lot of work to try to understand how he got to the point that he did.

My FWH did go to AA (90 meetings in 90 days at first and then continued going regularly for years. He still attends AA now-6 and 1/2 yrs later), he also went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs.

IMHO both were very important to his recovery.

I feel the same way about infidelity. Ending the affair is not enough.The WS really has to do a lot of work on himself/herself to try to understand how they got to such a toxic place.

I have 10 years clean today. With no alcohol, drugs, or sex outside my relationship.

It was all because of dedication and hard work in a 12 step fellowship. No just going to meetings but following the suggestions and doing the work. 10 years later I am still just as involved as I was in the beginning. It is a life long battle. The person I used to be seems like a bad dream. It is so far from who I am today.

Change can happen!!!

Chico-

Thank you for posting this.

It is a huge accomplishment and speaks volumes to your perseverance and hard work.

My FWH has been sober for 7 yrs and I attribute that to IC and AA.

He still attends AA today.

Like you said it is a life long battle but it is so worth it!

For those that love an alcoholic it is so helpful to read that there are success stories.

Thanks for contributing to this thread.

How could I be so stupid? This is my first post here. I have resisted this for along time. ANd today, as I read it is so obvious. When I first came to SI, my H was having an EA or PA. We still have never cleared it up. I was so destroyed, it has literally taken me years to cope, he still denies. I was all wrapped up in the A. I would read a post or two about alcoholics, or adhd or ocd. I started very slowly to realize, there was something more. I have been researching more of these, and boom. There it is. Alcoholic. I feel so dumb. I was raised with both alcoholic parents, my father drank a quart of whiskey a DAY!! Thats what has thrown me way off track. All of My familiy members were such bad alcoholics, homeless at times, welfare, they would disappear for days, we were so neglected as children. That was my experience. I just accepted it as life. I never knew of the emotions of an alcoholic. What was causing it..... SO my professional H, successful in his work, active in church, was not obvious like the others. Heavy drinking in college, ( I didnt know him in college) then always a cold one, but nothing like my family. And now I see..... I had to learn about patterns and behaviors of Adultry, and then slide it over to alcoholism to see they are very similiar. Self esteem, escapism, denial, stress. 20 years ago I called him partyman, and made him slow down. We had babies. Now I see the path has always been there. His out of town travel was drinking every night. I thought it was about the women or good times. Its about the drinking. How could I have not known? I told him a month ago he was an alcoholic because Now he brews beer. Makes it look like a hobby. He is giddy about it. Since this hobby started, It has made me disgusted with him. I find myself feeling like I am with my father. I feel this way several times a week now. I didnt even know that I was going to call him that. It suprised us both. I knew I was reaching a new level of understanding. JUST WOW. It was becoming clearer, but it just really came clear today on this sight. I am so depressed. Now not only do I have to deal with post A, alcohol is back in my life in a bad way in him, and its aftermath is just as bad as the A. And lasts forever. ANd comes with more A. I have seen the acknowledgement in his eyes when somebody would admit acoholism in their life. I thought it was from comparing himself, in fear. I see now he thinks so too. And he had a nervous breakdown after the A. We are on the brink of another major hit. He does stop drinking every few years, when I mention something. AS a test, and after a few days, since he sees no physical symtoms, he thinks hes fine. I never really knew about functioning alcoholics. You would think I was an expert with my childhood. I dont know if I can take this forever. Please let me be wrong.

Cancun, I'm sorry you're here. This thread doesn't always move quickly, so feel free to PM me anytime.

Alcoholism is a devastating family disease. Even with functional alcoholics. As you say, the emotional and mental patterns are still there.

Have you considered going to al-anon? You are both an adult child of an alcoholic and a wife of an alcoholic. Many people are in this situation where they marry someone with the disease after being raised by someone with the disease. I would try several meetings. It is a great help.

My advice would be to focus on yourself, find something centering. Therapy, yoga, meditation, exercise, seeing friends. Get out of the house. Get to al-anon. There is no need to make a decision right now as to whether or not you can R or live with an alcoholic. Just care for yourself and find some semblance of peace and, from there, you can sort out your thoughts and feelings.