SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Florida:

I think I get what you’re saying.

Totally correct me if I'm missing an element.

You are saying to the BS to fight, not for the WS, but for themselves. To take what they want to make themselves feel in control of their lives.

Example: Foggy stupid WS...

Ground Zero (As in right after the A-bomb goes off.): BS's didn't do anything wrong, there is no need to feel guilty or as if the BS did anything to "cause" the A, there is nothing wrong with the BS. Don't let the WS's "fog" blind you to the reality that you are strong, capable and in control of your world. BS's should not let the WS's fogginess ensnare them in a spiral of "maybe if" or "If I did xyz" or "maybe I should".

BS's fight for themselves and what they want. If that includes the WS, then “state your love and then state your rules.” After that, it's the WS responsibility to sink or swim.

1# State your boundaries and consequences. Make 'em and keep 'em.

2# Foggy WS breaks a boundary, enforce consequences.

3# Ignore whiny demands, selfish pleas and stupidity in general. It's not true, so don't even respond. Roll your eyes and dance to your own beat.

4# if you tell everyone, then you are not fighting alone and the WS is faced with reality everywhere they turn.

***What a WS doesn't realize is the "everyone" that knows them, knows that there is something wrong with them already. Many people have already known or suspected the WS of being unfaithful. All a BS is doing is confirming the reason that the WS is acting funny.

If the WS is angry or embarrassed or both that the BS told/tells... F**k 'em.

tell them that I'm trying to save our marriage and it may not seem like it, but I’m doing this for us.

I don't know that I would tell the WS this. WS's in the fog aren't going to care why or understand why. Maybe after the WS isn't in the fog they could understand but before...Nope.

WS's are crazy as bed bugs. Nuts. Yep.

5# BS's should use the time for healing themselves. Self-reflection, becoming independently who they have always wanted to become. Alternatively, if they don't want to change and like themselves already... The BS should use the time of healing to spoil themselves doing things that they want to do, the BS no longer has to worry about what the WS wants... BS's it's all about you now. Make it your time, Period. You want a day at the spa... TAKE IT. You want a day out fishing with the boys... TAKE IT. Your WS says..."but(t), but(t), but(t)"... you say, "Yes, you are."

6# if the AP is invading your space via phone, bank accounts, or home turf... expose, confront and cut off. (I don't mean, strip 'em naked, tie them to a flagpole, literally cut off body parts, run them up the pole and leave them exposed for viewing. I think you'd go to jail for that.)

BS's should take control of finances, cell phones, and transportation. If the WS accuses you of being controlling say, "Damn straight, I'm controlling my life and my personal property and my space."

7# (I like to call 7# the "Cover your Ass clause")

VARs, Key loggers and check for "affair phones" and cross check the cell phone bill.

Stockpile evidence. Your WS has already been busted, if they break NC or lie, you have proof. Whether or not you use it to confront or protect yourself in the event of D. You have it if you need it.

Many WS's never really want to leave their marriage; we just act out irresponsibly and selfishly. Not always aware of the damage we are causing and have caused.

This is true in some cases. BS's have to determine what they want for themselves. D or R. BS's don't have to separate while they figure this out. If a WS really wants the M... they will stay in the M, they will stay until the BS kicks them out. Even a foggy WS will stay if they don't want to leave the M. They may screw up. (No pun intended) It's almost a guarantee that a WS will make mistakes during the fog, during recovery and during reconciliation. (So will the BS. Human beings do that, change takes time and patience. Change does not mean you have to wait passively while it happens.)

Basically, by "fighting back" a BS is fighting for the BS and what the BS wants.

It is side benefit that the WS gets several smacks to the back of the head, a dose of reality, and a light to guide them out of the fog.

By "fighting back" you, the BS fights for yourself. In the process of fighting for yourself, your actions force the WS to pull their head out of their ass.

ETA: Ground Zero, As in right after the A-bomb goes off, not in reference to GroundZero the person in any way shape or form.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 12:06 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

I'm with w_s on this, I don't think floridaredman meant to say that the BS has to fight the OP FOR the WS. I think it was meant to be encouraging and supportive of BSes implementing the 180 and setting boundaries for themselves so as not to be fooled by a foggy, rectal-cranial inverted still-cheating WS. You (BSes) don't have to fight for anything- except your own right to dignity and self respect.

[This message edited by Fallen at 5:42 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

foggy, rectal-cranial inverted still-cheating WS.

*Snork*

I have to add: BS's should not to be sucked in "by a foggy, rectal-cranial inverted" WS's that are NC, still rewriting history and blame-shifting.

Ok. Fallen and wincing are saying what I was trying to say.

I will re-iterate that I was encouraging the BS not to fight for their WS unless they want to.

I meant nothing negative as I have nothing but respect for a BS.

I mean fight for YOU.

Nothing more Nothing less.

The context of this was to encourage and not to say for a BS to shoulder the blame or take blameshifting.

It didn't come out the way I intended and for that I apologize to every BS who thought I meant otherwise.

However I do mean for you to be encouraged and not let a WS take away your self respect and character.

You are not responsible for the WS "getting it". But you reclaiming your respect from them will definitely throw a monkey wrench in their fantasy.

Thank you wincing for the exegete. You put it out there very well.

If this subject is broaching too much pain for a BS then I will ask to have it locked.

I am not a proprietor for any type of pain to the BS.

My apologies to those offended

very well said w_s and fallen...very well said indeed...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 4:19 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

Floridaredman it's a good message and great encouragement. The credit goes to you. All I did was play editor for your work.

Anyone who reads your posts knows that you get it, got it and have had your rectal-cranial inversion reversed.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 4:29 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

Floridaredman it's a good message and great encouragement. The credit goes to you. All I did was play editor for your work.

Anyone who reads your posts knows that you get it, got it and have had your rectal-cranial inversion reversed

I have to snork at that

Honestly, I didn't fight back and am glad.

The day I found out there was an affair I confronted WH outside his work in the parking lot. By the time he got home at 5:00 his bags were packed. I had him say good bye to the kids and SEE YA LATER!!

He begged, pleaded, cried...I I still said get out.

To this day, I honestly think it's the best thing I ever did. The weeks we spent apart gave him a HUGE awakening of what he screwed up.

I did confront OW and told her partner. I even told my WH that he had to take a lie detector before he could come home so I could get the WHOLE truth.

We're reconciled. It's a daily struggle. For the most part I'm happy, but I think I'll always have those "fears"

mom, you did EXACTLY what this thread encouraged you to do... you didn't take the crap. You stood up for yourself and set some very strong and clear boundaries. You fought for YOURSELF and the limits you set.

I fought like hell for my M.

I appreciate this post floridaredman.

OW came fishing in MY POND. My FWH took the bait.

I was having NONE OF IT.

I set boundaries and drew my line in the sand right away. But when theu both ignored my line (at first) I was on him like white on rice. I was determined to poke my face into every one of their private moments and KILL their fantasy. I was their nightmare. I took none of it lying down and no one was gonna take my family and insuinuate themselves into it.

I was the ultimate DEFOGGER. Every minute of every day. It was my full time job.

If I was going down I was going down swinging. You wanna come in and take what I spent 22 years building?

What, whaaattt?

Don't think so.

[This message edited by UR_AN_IDIOT at 6:16 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

I thought I was fighting...

He fucked her anyway......and hated me for bringing him back to reality.

I get the message, but for most of us, it came too late....we had no idea what to do or how to do it....

It never occurred to me that I had to prepare myself for my FWH's A 30 years into what I believed was a strong, happy marriage.

Hindsight is everything.

When I saw the Gay Porn, it was not a fight I wanted to engage in. I don't want a man near me who makes my flesh crawl.

You guys....

This is not an opportunity for BS's to vent. If you (general term) find it impossible to NOT vent, then please stay off this thread.

It's hard for me to see this situation as a fight. I fight a couple times a week to keep in shape. Fighting for sport or any other reason in either a literal or metaphorical sense requires expenditure of energy and resources.

When I came to the conclusion FWW had checked out and it wasn't about me, I just stopped dumping all of myself into that black hole.

It is still close to the edge for me so I'm sure my head is in that fuzzy place, but now that FWW is out of her fog and working on things, I am trying to put that energy back into our M. The fight has started again, because there is something to fight for. Shadowboxing just gets you tired.

eta:

If that came off as a vent then I apologize. It was an interesting post and wanted to sort of find my own position.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:59 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

StillGoing: I get the "shadowboxing" concept.

When I came to the conclusion FWW had checked out and it wasn't about me, I just stopped dumping all of myself into that black hole.

I think that this is what we were aiming for... fighting against falling into that black hole... keeping that energy that you were dumping into the black hole and using it for yourself and your needs. (Metaphorically)

The fight has started again, because there is something to fight for.

When the WS is working on things I think it becomes a fight on two different fronts for the BS. One to keep yourself from falling into the WS's black hole as the WS climbs out and one to reengage in the Marriage.

Clear as mud, yes?

My apologies.

The word "fight" threw me off.

I tried to out nice the OM at first. I don't have to tell anyone how well that worked

It wasn't until I got mad and stood up for myself that anything changed. At the time I wasn't fighting for the marriage, I was fighting for me. That we were able to save the marriage was a bonus.

Thanks for the reminded Florida

FM - do you know what it would do to most people's self esteem to have to fight THIS hard to "keep" our man/gal? It would be a cold day in hell before I would lift a finger to "better myself" so that we (meaning HIM too) can have a better M in the aftermath of his A. Yes, I made the OP's life hell because I was furious that someone had the gall to trespass on my life like that, but it was only after the fact, i.e. not done in order to stop the A b/c it was already over by that point. If my H tried to have doubts, sit on the fence, etc. I wold have shoved him out the door so fast, his head would be spinning. It's bad enough that he stayed and I still feel he did it because he just wanted to hang on to his lifestyle and not necessarily because he wanted me that much, if he was here as a result of my "fighting to keep him", I would have dies of self-loathing by now.

In any case, I get the spirit of your post, no one should just lay low, be a doormat and take the abuse (lies, insults and whatever else a foggy WS may dish out) in a case like that. But active "fighting" for the M is a double edged sword when it comes to the BS's own healing.

FM - do you know what it would do to most people's self esteem to have to fight THIS hard to "keep" our man/gal?

skyler's mom,

Yes I do. The context of my post is not for you to do anything to destroy your self esteem, but on the contrary..to get your self esteem back. If you want your marriage back then that's a bonus to you reclaiming yourself.

Fallen...I'm still laughing at cranium inversion reversal

I never stood a chance.

[This message edited by Heartless Bytchh at 7:45 AM, June 7th (Monday)]