SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And it just occurred to me, that to quote gone with the wind in a post, probably removes any latent masculinity that may have been hanging on.

But *that* quote doesn't count :)

Ill have to agree with the emasculating feeling. I felt it also. Many men suffer in silence because in society as shiity as it may be. Men who have been cheated on are gonna be looked at sideways. They are the butt of the jokes at the saloon and amongst people in general. Im not trying to be sexist and Im certainly not downplaying the hurt a female BS feels. It sucks for both sexes. But sadly this society we live in has different views between the sexes when it come to infidelity. A female BS would be looked upon with sorrow and be comforted for the most part. But I know for a fact when a guy gets cheated on the nasty comments and jokes start flying. Its just the way it is. It took me about a year to grow my balls back and put an end to my misery. I did not want anyone finding out. But they do especially if the WW is parading the OM around like my XWW did. Alot of people mostly men I used to talk to stopped speaking to me after I attempted R. Id get the casual Hi but that was it. And as you walk past you can hear the laughs comming from the crowd of dudes who know what happened.

Im at the point now that I dont give a fuck what people think. I certainly found out who my real friends were after I was cheated on. I now have a select few friends that have supported me and thats fine with me. But in the beginning it really fucks up a guys masculinity. Just my two cents.

Speaking from my own experience and what I know about friends and neighbors, I think it's very unlikely that WW was just wanting a body part that might be different from yours. Much more likely that she wanted the other parts attached to his c..k, and most of that would just be that he made the emotional connection with your WW, at a time that you didn't realize that that was what she was looking for. Don't worry about a body part...it's just one part of your whole.

Good luck!

[This message edited by Hurtfool at 3:56 AM, January 21st (Saturday)]

Hi

I suspect this is a gender-irrelevant issue.

Yep.

If a woman cheats it is because her H is not "meeting her needs". If a man does it is because his wife is a frigid controlling bitch.

Stereotypes are prolific in all parts of life.

Given that research says that 60% of men and 40% of women cheat there are actually more people out there who know the truth than you realise.

In my sich to be honest I don't give a shit what people think!!!

I know I am honest, faithful and have integrity and that's what matters to me.

It doesn't matter what you do in life there will always but some insecure dickhead who will try to bring you down.

Laura

Dear Emptyshell,

Yes, this is a gender irrelevant issue. My self esteem, which was practically nonexistent anyway prior to his A, took a hit I never imagined. It was all I could do to survive, let alone have any positive feelings about myself. The damage between my ears was nuclear.

I have some advice for you, which comes from a dear friend. Look into some of what Athol Kay says. He has a book and some stuff on the internet. It will help you get in touch with your alpha side, which will help you regain your self esteem.

I also started working out. Don't know if you do or not, but if not, you should consider starting. It helps, more than you could know.

Forgiveness is an act of grace. It is easier to walk away than it is to stay, in my opinion. But to stay married after an A and revive your M, though difficult, is often very worthwhile.

Take care of YOU. Right now, it is YOU who needs care and attention, and you can decide on your M later. Take care.

My fWH used the terms "cuckold" and "emasculated" to 'explain' his choice to have mutiple A/ONS. I called BullShit on it, and this much time out with therapy and AD's he see's that as the excuses they were, and also that it was through his "shit coloured glasses" (and the whore's cheering him along, and blindly agreeing with everything he said while frantically sucking his dick)...getting off topic there...

I don't see the BS as being emasculated and/or cuckolded, I see the wayward as the looser, and the A as a pathetic attempt to try and make the BS appear as the horrible person. Before infidelity I often wondered if the demonizing of another person as a 'deflection' technique...guess I've always been a little suspicious of overly dramatic situations...

On a separate note relating to my original post, I find the feeling of emasculation is far exacerbated when the man decides to stay. Like you can regain some respect by leaving the cheating tramp and never looking back, but by staying for whatever reason, your viewed as as totally pathetic.

A real mans word means something. A real man deals with his responsibilities. I was talking to my mother (84 years old) a while ago, about how children are raised, and some of the new parenting methods becoming popular now, and how she wondered if things could have been better. I told her not to worry, although I would have liked to have had more time with my dad, bottom line is that when it mattered I knew he was there, and the best example he set for me was that every morning when I didn't want to get up for school, my dad put on his hat (men used to always wear hats) said goodbye, and walked out the door to go to work, no matter how he felt. That prepared me for life far better than anything new age child rearing psychology theories.

Rhett and Scarlet had no children as I recall. You do, and in a hundred years, the job you do raising them will have far more impact on the world than how well you fucked your wife in comparison to someone else who only ever had to worry about fucking when he was around her.

You honored your wedding vows, and even now are struggling to keep your word, even if your wife is not worthy, and according to your tag line you are raising 2 daughters as well. What more important measure of a man is there? Can the OP claim any of this? What about those that judge you for your wifes behaviour?

Being faithful when faithfulness hasn't been earned. Mustering the strength to forgive. Putting the needs of your children before your own. Choosing to not let your pain control you and those you love. Those are the qualities of a strong man.

Violating the sacred vows of another's marriage. Intentionally causing pain to others, including children. Using other people to feed your own desires and cover your own pain. Those are the qualities of a weak man.

To those who have been on the weak side of this, I have great respect for your remorse and your choosing to try to be strong. To those who have suffered from other's weakness, don't accept stereotypes of what strength is supposed to be. Strength has nothing to do with what others do, it's about what you do.

[This message edited by Old Hand at 12:04 PM, January 21st (Saturday)]

I can certainly relate to the emasculating feeling.

The good news is that it didn't last long. Only you can nourish your inner alpha. Stop giving a f*(k about her and do your own thing. Kick her cheating buns to the curb, literally or only emotionally (not meaning that you should be emotionally abusive, just stop giving her any power over your emotional life). This is the 180.

Anger is a good starting point in this process. This is a powerful source of motivation for all kinds of positive action. Be warned, though: Anger is like gunpowder. You need to be in control of it or it will blow up in your face.

Your anger can express itself in the gym, in creative activities, in all sorts of positive ways. Looking back on my "anger phase," I'm amazed at the quality and quantity of work I turned out.

If you're not the sort to get angry, just skip that step and detach.

You'll come out of it OK, brother.

I hear you.., ever since her 1st affair 4 yrs ago, Ive been in a shell, mostly of my own making. I find myself not trusting anything, and having misogynistic attitudes. Which I know are wrong. Just the way it is for me.Best of luck to you

I apologize if my post or the wording thereof implied that women would not understand

I didn't take that from your post at all. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. :)

There is nothing more attractive than a man who is loving, faithful and, if he has kids, a devoted dad. Any woman who can't see that when they look at their husband must be seriously broken, IMO, and speaks again to how the cheating is not about the BH, but about the WW.

EmptyshellDad,

Yea, it rocks you to the core of your manhood. It has for me. No matter how much it isn't our fault, it doesn't change how it makes you feel. I took pride in being her H, a father, provider, and would put my self through anything to give our family the best we could have. Long hours at work, travel, two and a half hour commute every day, but it was all worth it to know that my family didn't go without and we were secure. That she could give away all of what I held sacred to a POS player on a dating website for nothing but BS lies, when I was working my ass of for her, killed me. It is an ultimate slap in the face, because I felt it was a rejection of everything I've done for my family for the past decade and a half. I've never felt more worthless or less a man.

[This message edited by Tred at 8:55 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)]

Like you can regain some respect by leaving the cheating tramp and never looking back, but by staying for whatever reason, your viewed as as totally pathetic.

this is so true.

It is an ultimate slap in the face, because I felt it was a rejection of everything I've done for my family for the past decade and a half. I've never felt more worthless or less a man.

so is this. But at 4yrs out, I really don't give a damn, though. She can stay or go. I still see my kids daily.

I honestly don't have the money for lawyers to get rid of her. My neighbor hired a pit bull female atty, his WW got nothing-he kept his house, business, etc etc. He's still paying his lawyer, as each month his exW comes up w/new accusations, calls CPS monthly, his lights were shut off last week for no payment-lawyer gets all his $$$. CPS keeps the kids til he proves nothing was up, lather/rinse/repeat.

Yeah, he really won alright.

When you have kids, an A is a special hell, IMO.

I understand we all have that guy we know who was "worse off" for leaving her, but I think in all situations in life, people remember the situations that support the belief they already have. So a lot of us who choose to stay sometimes re-enforce our decision by subconsciously remembering the guys who were worse off for leaving.......but ya know what? It is our choice to stay and I am (at least in this moment) realizing that it may actually prove us stronger to stay. Its easy to walk away and let something once beautiful die off forever; but it takes a real man to heal himself and do.what's best for his children and wife. (at this point, emptyshelldad steps down off his soapbox)