SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cookie, I hear you. I thought of crayons. I went through the drawers and checked his other items to see if they may be covered in some wierd substance, but they weren't. I have the wash running now. I'm anxious how that will turn out. The problem is that I wear lipgloss not lipstick. This may turn out very differently then lipstick would.

I need to find a forensic test for this in Connecticut, but I don't even know where to start. I have put the "bad underwear" in a plastic zip lock and hid them with my stuff in another closet.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. ((itsovernow))

From my experience (I stain my clothes a lot - as in daily), lip gloss leaves a grease-like stain, but no colour, that is if it leaves anything at all. In order for lipstick to leave that colour stain, it would have been a dark or vibrant colour to start with.

PainPain, yes, thats what it seems like. I just don't even know what to do. My 16 y/o son is coming home soon and then my next 2 school aged children. I have two babies here. I can't go anywhere. I need to find a way to keep it quiet. He usually starts arguing with me, telling me how wrong and abusive I'm being when I "call" him on somthing. I don't want that to happen tonight. I also have obligations to take care of like mailing a package and bringing my mom shampoo. I am a nursing mom and also need to make dinner and the house is a mess. I feel like I'm in hell.

Oh sweetie, you don't need to bother with a forensic test! You know what you need to know. That would be waste of time and money.

Put your efforts into something like a VAR in his car...that should lead you to the OW.

Or, put a GPS tracker on his work truck.

I just don't even know what to do.

For now, do nothing but take care of yourself and your sweet babies. Fuck the housecleaning.

For now, quit talking to him about it. The more you confront and make an issue of it right now, the further underground he will take this.

See your Doc immediately for STD testing and ask if there is mild tranquilizer you could take temporarily that would not affect the breast milk. You need something to calm you a little.

Read up on the 180, and start following it. This will help you take care of YOU.

Start calling lawyers and making appts for initial consultations. Most will do a FREE initial consult, or very low charge. You MUST find out what your rights are whether or not you choose to R or D.

Take care honey.

I'm so sorry about what you've found. What a horrible shock, and it's certainly a horrible burden to add to your already enormous pile of responsibilities on your shoulders right now.

Still...

BECAUSE YOU ARE A NURSING MOTHER, GET TESTED FOR STD'S ASAP. Somehow I doubt that the state of CT requires that a woman be tested for all STD's when pregnant. You need to be tested for anything that could be passed in your milk, which would include Hep C and HIV. You also should have another PAP done to make sure that there's nothing growing inside you, such as genital warts.

Like you, I found clues over the years of my marriage. And like you, I ignored them. I explained them away to myself. I gaslit myself. I didn't want to believe my husband was capable of cheating, I had other things going on in my life, being in denial was safer & more comfortable.

There came a point, though, when the things I found couldn't be ignored any longer. I had to put down my denial because my husband was actually exposing me & the children to dangerous criminal elements. In the past year I have discovered such depths of sexual debauchery I didn't even know existed - AND IT EXISTED IN ****MY*** LIFE BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WAS INTO IT.

For me, it has been a slow process of uncovering information on my own (because you can be damned sure he wasn't telling me anything), going through the shock & horror, then dealing with my new reality, finding my footing, trying to make sense of it, then discovering more information. The past year of my life has been an almost non-stop discovery-fest. The things I discovered about my own husband, oh Father in Heaven, have stunned me.

Take your time, sister. But don't live in denail. Know the reality of your life. YOU DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH OF YOUR OWN LIFE. And believe me when I tell you, the truth of your life includes whatever it is your husband is up to. You deserve to know. You NEED to know.

If you know the password(s) on his phone, email, computer, anything else, then you need to spend some quality time playing detective. If you think you're snooping, you're not. YOU DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH OF YOUR LIFE. If you are a betrayed wife & mother, you deserve to know.

If you find out something shocking, print it out. Make two copies.

Pick ONE person in your real life & confide in them. I found that once I started telling people in my real life, I found strength & support I didn't think existed.

((((HUGS))))

I thought it was the law anyway. I could be wrong. I know I had to sign a release for them to test me for AIDs HIV and a few other STD's. I can't beleive this. I feels unreal and I have no one to confide in.

I'm so sorry... I don't have any advice, except I would probably just not bring it up, let him think he's gotten away with it, and start doing surveillance. Maybe you won't find anything, maybe you will... in any case, then you'll know.

TXMommy, I never brought it up. He did. Thats whats so weird about it. He pointed it out and then said he told me last week but I just don't listen to him. Its almost like he wants me to know or he thought I already knew. He freaked out when he saw the pile of laundary on the floor. I can't beleive this. I have no one to turn to. I feel alone, overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do next.

If you are worried about the house, now is a fine time to teach the 16yr old and the other 2 how to clean. Not sure the ages of the middle, older two but there are age appropriate chores for them, not just the older one. You are running after two babies, you need their help. There is no shame in that. In fact, it makes you a good mom to have them help.

As to some of the other, he is gas lighting you like a pro. He did not tell you before. He is also being verbally abusive. Picking fights then calling YOU abusive? Discounting your concerns? Textbook verbal abuse.

I love my kids so much I don't want to live without them. I'm scared he will take them from me.

No court in the land is going to allow him to take your kids from you. My husband also threatened me with this, I mentioned it to my attorney and was met with laughter.

Look at putting a keylogger on his computer or a VAR in his car. You don't need a forensic test, it's obviously lipstick.

I know what it will come back as but he keeps insisting its not lipstick. He just left me this hateful message on the answering machine about how he is sick of putting up with me when he's innocent. It was all about how bad I am when he's the one with lipstick on his crotch of his underwear.

I thought a forensic test would shut him up.

The "test undies" came out of the wash. They were still very very lightly stained with my red lipgloss. The "bad underwear" must have had some really really dark lipstick or lip gloss on them to still be on there like that. He tried to tell me it was fire caulk that they use sometimes at work, but theres no way. He's had that crap on his clothes before and it goes all hard like cement.

If he had something on his hands and went to go to the urinal and had to "extract" himself, would that have left those stains?

He tried to tell me it was fire caulk that they use sometimes at work, but theres no way. He's had that crap on his clothes before and it goes all hard like cement.

I think that is a possibility though. The caulk may harden but the dye in the caulk could have penetrated.

Check his phone, and maybe a var in his truck to hopefully give you peace of mind.

I really want to think its the caulk, but somehow I don't think so. The stain is on the outside of the underwear and it was in the perfect spot where "it" falls. I'm sickened.

I did manage to take a shower, clean up a little and take care of the babies. I will take care of the things I need to do and my husband just called to argue and insult me. I told him that my 16 year old is home now and I will not talk about this now. I have contacted 2 private forensic experts in my state. Hopefully they don't laugh it off and not contact me. I haven't heard anything. I did email my pastors wife for support and heard nothing. I guess this is one of those horrible things no one wants to talk about in real life, right? I feel disgusted and all I can do is think of his thing in the OW mouth. I'm sick.

I will try to be as calm and collected as I can for now. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not losing anyone special. He can't be worth anything if he could do this and put me and his breastfed daughter in danger of an STD. Yes I'm going to get tested. The pig is coming home now.

I'm going to come back tommorow since I won't be able to come back on tonight. He's glued to me at the hip. He goes everywhere with me, I get no free time when he's home.

Good luck sweetie.

Stay strong.

I'll be praying for you.

Peace.

Wow...

So hard to decipher...

If it really was caulk, why the heck was he so quick to point it out and run interference in the first place? His behavior is what leads me to believe he's guilty... however, this is what I'd do:

Next time he's yelling at you, pacify him. Say, ok, it's fine, I believe you, whatever it is he wants to hear. Tell him you don't want to argue, apologize (if you can stomach it) and let him think it's over.

Meanwhile, a VAR, keylogger, etc is where I'd be headed next. You'll get your answers one way or the other. I know it's hard to pretend everything is peachy, but that's definitely what I'd do.

(((hugs))) Oh sweetie, I am so sorry! I know you are in shock right now.....

I have no one to confide in.

Yes you do. You have us. We are not going anywhere.

First thing is to tell yourself you will be okay. You will survive this. You will! Many of us here have already been thru it and we are doing just fine. For me, I lost 20 pounds in 2 months and went through hell in the beginning.

I am fine now.

I agree you are not losing anything special....he sounds verbally/emotionally abusive. How on earth did YOU put up with him for so long? You must be a saint.

Take care of yourself and your babies. If you feel the need for further proof, don't let on what you suspect anymore.

Go into actress mode and pretend everything is fine. Let him let down his guard. You know why he mentioned that stain to you? His guilty conscience was afraid you had already seen it and he was trying to do damage control.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. You have plenty of time. Let some of the shock wear off first.

And don't worry about age....I was 44 when I found out my WS was cheating. I left mine because he never would be honest with me and I felt I couldn't stay with someone I couldn't trust. There are some on here who leave, and some who reconcile and work thru everything.

It is your choice. But to reconcile successfully, he is going to have to take ownership of his problems and his cheating, and he doesn't sound anywhere close to that right now. So just concentrate on protecting you and your kids right now.

P.s. I was a stay at home mom, now I am a college girl, and excelling at it! There is life after cheating!!!

I have no one to confide in.

I also just want to chime in and tell you that I care and am pulling for you. So awful to have so many difficulties at once going on, but you will be surprised by your own strength.

The detective thing is hard, but necessary. You have been in the dark for too long, it's time to know, once and for all. You, and your children, are worth it.

I also am an"unskilled" mother and just got a job I love at a daycare!! You never know. Talk to a lawyer if worrying about how you and your kids will be supported is holding you back from learning the truth.

Hugs to you and keep posting!! SI helped save my sanity.