SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The point is that he isn't taking your feelings seriously. That's the big issue here! If it's really just a game to him, he should be able to take it or leave it.

I get what the guys here are saying, but if you're not a wayward or a SA, you probably can play this and not be affected. My SAWH couldn't even attempt to play this game, especially because of the humiliating aspect to it. He's also had to stop watching most tv shows. I'm glad he has recognized this, and it's not something we argue about.

Well that's awesome. It's ok to be flippant about these virtual women & the male orientation of the game bc the strippers ugly. So it follows that you wouldn't think the game parameters would be ok if they were pretty? You buy into the idea that ugly is ok to treat like shit? Good to know that the demarcation line is a woman's appearance. Justify the game all you want, but if you are so desensitized to stuff like this, then I feel sorry for you.

Quite the surreal interpretation of the text...

This would be the same scenario if you said a male villain in a TV series was designed to be disgusting and unlikeable and I then insulted you on your obvious sexist misandry... that if he were handsome or charming that his ill deeds would somehow be okay.

The point was quite simple and does not drag any of this baggage into the equation: the nudity and sex in GTA-V is not intended to be pornographic or arousing... period.

So yes, quite simply- the strippers/prostitutes are intentionally designed, modeled, visualized, acted and depicted to not be attractive, erotic or arousing but instead designed to elicit a very negative response, i.e. disgust, depravity, etc.

Also, it's their behaviors, responses and mentality that are meant to be unattractive, not so much just their physical appearance... but thanks for narrow minded look that all that men find in woman as "attractive" is their appearance..

GTA-V is not meant to be a "sexual" game by any means. The nudity/sex in it is dark.. very dark and very disgusting. It isn't meant t be "sexy" or arousing by any stretch of the imagination.

There ARE many games meant to be "virtual porn", with scantily clad women in a different light and also very sexually objectifying situations or scenarios. DOA, for example is objectifying... or even Killer is Dead and Catherine... the latter being focused on infidelity.

All that being said though, to the original poster's issue- her WS likely did not intentionally try to manipulate buying this game to use as a form of virtual porn. Now if his BS triggers this way, even if it's totally baseless and completely misunderstood, then he should be understanding of this and work to do WHATEVER it takes to make his BS feel safe and work through the trigger... even if it means giving up the game entirely.

As someone else said- being a WS has it's costs. This is one of them. Many WS's have had to give up their careers (as AP may have been at their work), their bowling leagues, or weekend hobbies if they want to save their marriage. If they hadn't cheated, then this wouldn't be the case.

BeyondBreaking- I just felt it important to help you understand that the hurt you are feeling is likely NOT your WS trying to look at other women or getting aroused at someone else. And, it likely NEVER crossed his mind this stuff would hurt you. These GTA games are SO over the top that they are pure and simple, stupid comedy with little to no 'erotic' impact whatsoever. I'm really sorry it triggered you and it makes total sense that it would! I just feel it's likely a huge misunderstanding and that the two of you should be able to work it out so you are comfortable and feel safe, whatever that might be.

Good luck to you!

Quite the surreal interpretation of the text...

No quite an accurate interpretation of what was said. The action "isn''t that bad" because the characters are ugly. Because fucking ugly women doesn''t count because how could fucking an ugly woman ever be erotic?

This would be the same scenario if you said a male villain in a TV series was designed to be disgusting and unlikeable and I then insulted you on your obvious sexist misandry... that if he were handsome or charming that his ill deeds would somehow be okay.

But I didn''t say that. Nor did I mention misanthropy of either gender. I merely pointed out that his justification was ridiculous, because it was just that "justification" as in see, look, it''s not that bad because xyc!"

The point was quite simple and does not drag any of this baggage into the equation: the nudity and sex in GTA-V is not intended to be pornographic or arousing... period.

You mean it isn''t arousing to you.

I don''t care if you like GTA or games like it. I just think people who play them should be honest about what''s what instead of trying to pretend it''s something that it''s not. And you''re being disingenous to not realize why there are people who might think the themes portrayed in such games are not ok. The simple fact that this thread was started by someone who is suffering from her WH''s attraction to those themes should be self-evident of that.

[This message edited by cayc at 4:16 PM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]

I just think people who play them should be honest about what's what instead of trying to pretend it's something that it's not.

Unlike those that have never played them, know nothing about them, but yet instantly deem themselves subject matter experts and question anyone that provides evidence otherwise as being "disingenuous"... gotcha.

Seriously, there is no point in continuing this discussion since you've made up your mind with no experience in the matter, plus too busy projecting objectification nonsense on others when nothing of the sort has been provided.

I personally don't think you're overreacting, and I would feel the same way.

My wBF bought these games before Dday, and they even bothered me then. I know that one part of the game is raping women on the street. To me, that goes against my values. And for him to buy and play a game that involves raping women signals to me that his values are not the same as mine. He thought I was overreacting of course, and still played it. I eventually dropped it.

But I seriously hate these games. I think they allow players to live in a fantasy world where you cheat all the time, rape women, and have sex with strippers. I don't think at all that the players "get off" on doing these game things, and I don't think that the players are looking at the women and feeling sexually aroused. However, I do 100% believe that a man who has the same morals and values that I do would not find enjoyment or entertainment out of doing these things in a game. It personally disgusts me, and I want the man I date to feel the same way about it.

Now that I know my wBF has cheated though, there's no way I would be okay with him playing this game. I would see him doing it as a sign of disrespect to my feelings.

So, no, I don't think you're overreacting.

One thing I really should add is that this game will be VERY triggery for both sides of the coin.

One of the main characters comes home to his wife in bed with every kind of activity instructor that is half her age after work. First her tennis instructor, then her yoga instructor, etc. etc.

Rockstar games ( the makers of the GTA games ) intentionally tries to shine very, very bright light on the perils of modern "society" and it does not hold back in any way.

I agree with LonelyGirl10 100% that these topics/things ARE disgusting and extremely hard to watch. In a way, I think this is why Rockstar made $1 billion in sales inside of 3 days.. it's because these ugly topics of our society are turned away from and ignored, whereas they make a mockery, dark comedy and shine a spotlight on these things as well as tell a story with characters deeply enmeshed in this terrible place, and with exaggerated depravity, their stories never come to a good/happy end. (i.e. there is a greater message involved).

If you haven't played a GTA game from start to finish, it's very hard to understand and I'll leave it at that.

Cayc

I don't understand how you could comment not seeing or playing the game. I feel like you're unfairly attacking MediumRare based on... nothing

I've seen the game and my wh is playing it as I speak. Was it a little triggery at first... yes

Is it ridiculously over the top and comedic. Yes. Did I get over it TWO SECONDS later. yes

That doesn't mean to say that BeyondBreaking should put in some rules if that is what will keep her emotionally safe.

But seriously... you have no basis for personally attacking MediumRare. Considering you took his comment out of context and attacked his character. I think that says more about yours than his

[This message edited by lauren123 at 7:44 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

He says I am overreacting, and I shouldn't be complaining because I said he could get the game.

Hmmm at least he's not very sensitive to your discomfort. At worst he is putting a game ahead of supporting you with a 'trigger'.

If this is all he had to say in response to you asking him not to play I'd say he sounds a bit like a petulant little boy.

I think you're right to be upset! Wow, so now we have programs that allow for a person to place themselves into a character's position, and act out some pretty shitty things, and we market it to men of all ages, and call it a game??? And the men think this is fun???

First, people need to grow the heck up. I realize video games have their place. But I see them as similar to Barbies. Women played with Barbies as little girls. I don't care how much they could change them into something marketable towards grown women, I'm NO longer interested in sitting around playing with dolls. Kinda creepy actually. Men sitting around playing video games, at these ages, makes me question how grown up they actually are. (sorry if that offends anyone).

And we wonder why we live in a society where adultery is as common as speeding

So that's it. It's a stupid, un-arousing, non-sexual "mini-game" that is designed to express an irony of sex workers in their depravity, pimped, drugged out, terrible plastic surgery, mental issues and the like.. and if you "win" the mini-game, you basically earn another easy way to give you full health when you get hurt in the game.

Lastly, not to spoil the game, but the stripclub is a necessity in GTA-V as it becomes a safehouse for one of the characters (safehouse is the place your character can rest/save your game, change clothes, and park cars you wish to keep). So having high "LIKE" meter and sleeping with multiple strippers is a quick way to replenish health from a quick dial on your cell-phone and/or visit.

Is the private dance/VIP/sex a 100% necessity? No, but visiting/using the stripclub is as it becomes a safehouse.

I seriously doubt your WH is getting any kind of sexual ya-yah's off the strippers or prostitutes in GTA as they aren't in the game that way. It's actually more a case of excessively degrading strippers & prostitutes and making them look fairly disgusting, unappealing and messed-up.

I have to back BB and say this is not cogent to the issue because if that's the case he shouldn't be playing the game at all.

wrt the perceived allure of digital titties, it's entirely irrelevant. It's very obviously a sexualized representation of a woman, her attractiveness is not the issue. The man is a WS and they have had issues with porn in the past where it has impacted their intimacy, so BB feels that even the digital titties should be off the table for close inspection because they make her uncomfortable due to his attentive behavior to them, not their existence in the game (If I am reading that incorrectly then I apologize sincerely).

I have not played GTA V so I don't know the involvement required to zoom in on pixelboobz. There is a station in Metro: Last Light where Artyom passes through a strip club. You have the option to sit and watch a pole dancer and toss her some change, and an option to pay for a lap dance also. These are options, though, and not necessary to the game completion. In fact I will spoiler and say that performing either of those actions builds negative morality and leads to, well, not the ending where everybody survives. Listening to the dancers chat in the dressing room, OTOH, provides positive morality points. It's an interesting game in that regard, though I'm still vastly amused that lounging in a stripper dressing room (and a bathing area ) provides positive points towards the alternate ending... anyway.

The point is, if I were a WS who had demonstrated performance issues in the past due to porn, I'd blaze through the area and if it was too important to avoid, I'd not play the damn thing because it obviously causes my wife distress. It's like watching a woman lie to her H or belittle him in an amusing way in a sitcom to me, the context may be innocent or normal for the average population but it hits a sore spot for me, however small a thing it is.

So while what you are saying about the game is perfectly reasonable and valid in its way, it simply does not apply IMO. They are not yet in a place where the intended delivery of something like this takes precedence over the personal pain caused by other events that become associated in a general sense like this.

^^^^^^^^What he said!^^^^^^^

He says I am overreacting, and I shouldn't be complaining because I said he could get the game

Oh dear God. Forget the commentary about the actual game (nicely done, by the way Medium) this statement right here is the whole problem.

If I weren't on this site and overheard this I'd assume a child was being discussed here ...not a grown adult.

You see x. He sees y. You don't understand y. He doesn't get x and is pretty pissed that he now can't play the game you "allowed" him to get.

Spoiler alert...result epic failure.

He's got to be the one that is drawing his boundaries, making these choices, considering your feelings. Anything imposed will be rebelled against. Anything "allowed" then taken away when you are uncomfortable with the content will be resented and foster anger.

He's not a child. He is an adult. If he isn't acting like the adult you want him to be then you have choices and decisions to make.

Thinking you can shape the relationship by imposing your wants, no matter how valid and justified you feel they are and may be, is a recipe for disaster. It doesn't work. It won't work.

Agreeing with everyone that considering it makes BB uncomfortable and his infidelity history, it is a serious issue. Hope he can listen to your feelings, BB, and understand where you're coming from.

t/j Good to read both sides about this game. H asked for it as a present and I ordered it already. Will be interested to see how it goes and what my own reaction is. If anything, I foresee the "I *have to* sleep with the strippers because it's a necessary part of the game" part as being triggery, even understanding that it's in the game's character. The "I had to because we were housemates, because we see each other around, because xyz situation exists that put us together, etc" remains a big excuse for some of his EAs... end t/j

Maybe a little late to the party here, but I am a BW who is a gamer. GTA is actually one of my favorite series (yes, women actually play this game sometimes too!)

So my DDay was 10 weeks ago, and I have to say that playing GTA V has actually been very cathartic for me personally over the last two weeks. For one thing, there is a mission where one of the main characters gets to take out some justifiable aggression on his cheating wife's AP. Far from triggering me, I actually *liked* that mission and was only sad about it because (spoiler) you don't end up getting to beat the everliving crap out of the AP, you only cause a problem for some random mobster's Russian girlfriend (although obviously she's not a 'friend of the marriage' either because she's protecting AP from his well-earned beating, so... )

Then again, my WH's affair was with one of my best friends, and he's never had anything to do with strippers or prostitutes at all. My triggers aren't about sex-for-hire or porn, they're all about normal life things, like having friends over for dinner and the music we used to listen to together as friends.

Anyway, I just thought I might offer a different, BS, perspective on the game.

However, I do agree fully that if it is a trigger and a problem for you personally that perhaps your WS could put it aside for right now (or forever). If he really wants to work on this with you, no video game should be more important to him than your marriage.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 9:10 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Oh wow, I didn't realize this would be a big fight thing. Sorry. :(

Medium-Rare- thank you for providing a gamer prospective of the game.

My issue is, that just because something is unattractive and not seen (to most people) as sexual doesn't mean MY husband isn't looking at it in a sexual manner and visualizing that in bed with me. That is behavior he did before, and therefore I don't trust him.

Before he cheated, I would have had NO problem with the game because I had no reason to fear that he would:

a) view "pixel tits" arousing in anyway shape or form OR

b) have sexual arousal by someone else, in real life OR porn/television get in the way of us and our sex life.

Then, I SAW with my own two eyes what he was getting off to, and was was taking away from our sex life. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine he would find a 300+ pound woman on the internet, beat off to her pictures and sext with her, lie to me about it AND then be to tired later on in the evening when I got home. But it happened. So do I think HE views the stripper tits in the game as sexually arousing? Who the heck knows. If he found the pictures I saw attractive, I pretty much am offended by worms at this point.

Others:

In addition to not trusting the fact that he is "just playing a game" and not sexually aroused, I am upset that he is wanting to play this kind of thing in the first place.

Maybe that is where our troubles lie. Some of you may remember we had a HUGE fight because he wanted to take me on a trip to vegas 6 months after Dday #2. I didn't want to go there. I think parts of vegas are inappropriate, and I just don't have those values. It was a huge fight, we ended up going and fighting there, and it was a disaster. The bottom line that we settled on is that WE just don't have those kind of values. Our new ideal vacation spot is disneyland, or somewhere a little more family friendly and a little less inappropriate. Chugged along, things were great...now he is gravitating towards things that are on the edge and a game featuring the stripper/cheating/stealing/not good lifestyle. Stuff that WE discussed and WE decided that WE don't believe in. It hurts and it sucks that he is wanting to play something like this in the first place.

I know that he is an adult, and he is allowed to have his own values. It feels, at this point like he is argeeing with me for a certain amount of time, and telling me he shares the same values as me, then waiting it out and testing the waters once some time has passed. It is hurtful and confusing. If he didn't share the same values as me, he could have just said so and we never would have gotten married in the first place.

Unlike those that have never played them, know nothing about them, but yet instantly deem themselves subject matter experts and question anyone that provides evidence otherwise as being "disingenuous"... gotcha.

While it's true I haven't seen GTA V since it just came out, I've seen versions 1-4, as well as tons of other video games because shocker people, I play them too.

If you don't think there's anything wrong with that game, fine. But others do and yes it is disingenuous to not recognize that.

Frankly I'm shocked to be told I'm not allowed to have an opinion about it unless I'm a gamer. If the standard at SI is that you cant have an opinion unless you are a SME then what's the point of posting about any thoughts, feelings etc. since that's what we relate to here.

Clearly, some take my criticism of the game as a criticism of themselves, and if that's the case, then you're protesting too much. I most definitely am criticizing the game, & the casual defense as if bc you don't care, no one else should be bothered is not right. Besides, if you really thought the game was all super ok, my comments wouldn't elicit attacking me directly & telling me I'm not allowed to have an opinion, you'd merely disagree & say, meh, I don't see that.

So thank you Medium Rare, I said nothing directly against you like you did to me. I didn't devalue your opinion or tell you you don't have a right to one. I really appreciate it.

It feels, at this point like he is argeeing with me for a certain amount of time, and telling me he shares the same values as me,

Well, yeah. You don't have to be Nostradomus to see that. You have a problem with the game and feel it goes against your values. He doesn't.

Pretty cut and dry. He wanted to take you to Vegas. You don't want to go because parts are "inappropriate".

Maybe time to rethink your compatibility.

I think you're right to be upset! Wow, so now we have programs that allow for a person to place themselves into a character's position, and act out some pretty shitty things, and we market it to men of all ages, and call it a game??? And the men think this is fun???

First, people need to grow the heck up. I realize video games have their place. But I see them as similar to Barbies. Women played with Barbies as little girls. I don't care how much they could change them into something marketable towards grown women, I'm NO longer interested in sitting around playing with dolls. Kinda creepy actually. Men sitting around playing video games, at these ages, makes me question how grown up they actually are. (sorry if that offends anyone).

Just had a discussion about games down in betrayed mens thread.

Here's the thing, videogames are where the best storytellers are writing now. The story is interactive, has some different possible outcomes depending on how you play it, but there is a story. Check the credits, and virtually every game out there except for sandbox MMO's has writers listed, and a lot of the characters you will encounter along the way are very deep, even if they are only in the game for a few seconds to sell you ammo or move the story along somehow. Now following these stories takes a bit more effort than just having it spoon fed to you like in the latest men are jerks romcom, or episode of "cheating disney princesses", or sitting down on the couch curled of with 50 shades of astray. However, there is a very intricate story that gamers get involved in with these. Hell, just try to get through the wiki about World of Warcraft as it goes into all the backstory of each character, and their role in the plot for each expansion is, the story of Arthas Menethil is heartbreaking and tragic, but unless you play the game, you won't know.

The GTA series has a lot of social commentary built into it, and being developed in the UK, a lot of it is of the "this is what sucks about America" variety.

MediumRare was not saying it is okay to do these things to unattractive women, he was saying that these things were all made to be unattractive in every way they could. The strip bars are made seedy, not glamorous, the whole lifestyle is portrayed as undesirable.

Here's a hint about the GTA games and what to expect: You are playing the Bad Guy. Your whole world is going to be pretty superficial and undesirable, and everyone you deal with is going to be a little creepy. There are no role models to emulate. That doesn't make the game any worse than watching Breaking Bad, though if your spouse just got out of prison after serving time for cooking meth, I can see why you would not want them to be watching Breaking Bad.

I'd snap it in half like a toothpick!

Double post

[This message edited by Dreamland at 9:01 PM, September 27th (Friday)]