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As a BS, all I would want is for you to leave me alone. To be blunt, you don't deserve me spending any more energy on you.I view the apology, as more of a service to YOU, to ease your guilty conscious.

Reminder to all BS's...

This thread is not an opportunity to vent. Please be respectful...this is not your OP.

Thank you.

Contrary view here too: I'm not entirely sure WHY, but I would welcome an apology from the OW. I'll have to think about why that is. But for some reason I feel like it would bring me some satisfaction. I highly doubt that it will happen, though.

My two cents: don't do it. I'm the BW in a double betrayal, and the OW was a close friend (or so I thought). She reached out to me about a week after DDay to "apologize" but it was empty to me. There was nothing she could have said that would have brought me any comfort.

A week after DDay, a month, a year - it wouldn't have mattered. As a BS, I want to spend my energy on my healing and, in our case, on our R. Even now, 3 years later, I don't want to hear from OW regardless of how heartfelt her apology might be. All it would do is open scars.

BS here. If the OW reached out to me to "apologize" I would think she was trying a work around to re-establish contact. I would strongly suggest that in most cases, the OBS would prefer not to hear from you while the wounds are so fresh.

I want the AP to apologize. A simple expression of apology for wrongdoing and owning her actions would go a long way to help me heal. I feel so much anger and hatred for her, these feelings are damaging and distressing and I don't want them.

On the other hand, any victim stuff, justification, minimizing, insincerity, would hurt more than help.

I know your intentions are good, but this is not something I would welcome. There isn't an I'm sorry that will help, and I simply do not want any contact. NC is for everyone.

THIS. If she wants to hear from you she will contact you.

I didn't want OW to take any more of my energy or my life. I would have been highly offended has she tried to apologise to me unless she outed the A and apologised in that first phone call.

There is no apology that wouldn't cause more hurt. Just having to have that contact would cause more hurt.

Gently, you speak much more about how this apology would help YOU, how YOU feel terrible, how much guilt YOU feel.

Even if an apology would be welcomed by some BS's, I dont see you in a place to offer anything near remorse to the OBS yet. And reaching out in order to make yourself feel better seems very selfish and cruel to me.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies. I read each one several times.

Autumn22, if thinking constantly and feeling terrible about another person's pain and trying to spare them further anguish by soliciting other BS perspectives does not constitute remorse, I'm really not sure what does.

I would appreciate an apology from the OW in my sitch. I have no idea why, but I feel that she owes me an apology and that there would be some sort of closure for me if she would only have the decency to write me a sincere, heartfelt letter. It wouldn't fix anything, but it would make me feel that she was acknowledging the pain and hurt she caused me, instead of carrying on quite happily with her life, while I sit here grieving.

As a BH I can see both sides of the argument. On one side I could care less what the OM man thinks however, an apology even 100 percent self-serving and insincere on his part at least would be an acknowledgment that what he did was wrong. If all you said was something like " What I did was wrong" and nothing more may at least give her some solace if not now but maybe in the future that the woman that contributed to turning her life upside down at least Has a conscience.

Yes, I would have appreciated an apology that expressed OW's responsibility and that she would never contact WSO again. Also that she would stay away from us forever. I probably would have even listened to her side of the story back then. Of course, this is what I would have appreciated right after D-D when I was still in shock and more receptive. She wasn't a stranger to me and I actually cared about her before D-D, I think that is why I wished she had felt remorse for what she had done when WSO confessed.

Then, after all the NC certified letters sent and refused, plus breaches in NC, etc., I no longer want the apology. OW is staying away so that is really all I need now.

I think plainpain hit it on the head:

An apology might make you feel better for half a minute, but that's it. Honestly, the last thing she wants right now is for you to feel better or have any relief from suffering over what you have done.

Some OBS want an apology. If that's the reason, and your BS agrees, then I think it's fine. But if it is just to relieve your guilt, then there is no good reason to do it. It reestablishes contact with people who should be as far out of your head as possible. It also can look like you are helping your AP, by making their life better. Having compassion for your AP is not a good practice. Showing compassion for your AP is going to hurt your BS.

My own experience: AP#1 was my SIL. I have a apology letter typed up for my BIL. When the rest of the family thinks it will help him, I will give it to him. Giving it now would only be to make me feel better, and him hate me more. For now, he is not ready, so I'll hold on to it. AP#2 was a coworker. I have no thought of talking to her BH ever.

I don't want to add to this woman's pain, but I think about her all the time and I feel so terrible that I harmed this woman by engaging in affair with her husband. I really feel horrible for what I did and I want to apologize, but I don't know how she would feel about hearing from me and the last thing I want to do is add to her pain.

I think that maybe this is a legitimate concern, for you to address, with you and your IC. Of course you are feeling remorse and guilt over your actions. It's totally normal to want to make amends and you should do so in order to work through those feelings and not hold onto them, but can be done without having to contact the other BS. You should remain NC. Write her a letter, get what you want to say out, you might feel better, but then let it go. The best thing for both sets of couples is NC. There will be no absolution for either party. Sometimes we have to accept that we've hurt someone very badly, and can never be forgiven by that person. You can only forgive yourself, and that's truly where your motivation should come, from within.

I'm in the "no" camp.

As a BS, I would view an apology from the various OW as them trying to make themselves feel better. I wouldn't think their apology has anything to do with MY feelings/pain at all.

Question for Somethingremorse. You say you have no thought of ever talking to the BH of the co worker you were involved with. Is that out of respect for him or is it you just don't feel the need? As a BH of a woman who got involved with a co-worker, I find that statement intriguing.I actually requested to speak with guy in person and he agreed. I am convinced the whole conversation was an act and a pitiful selfabsorbed attempt to get me to feel sorry for him. The whole time talking to this chump,the only thing I could think was, what the hell? You cheated on me for this clown, at least cheat up.lol

t/j

It's hard to do the "what if" stuff. But I'll give you my thoughts today.

I have no idea if OBS #2 knows anything. My BW and I decided not to tell anyone. BW felt it was easier for her to heal if fewer people know. That is subject to change at any time she wants it to.

I do not feel like I owe AP#2 or her BH anything. I am sorry that I contributed to her problems, and I am sorry for what I did to him and his family. But I realize that probably means nothing. More than that, my only concern is for my family. To me, that means putting AP and her BH as far away as possible. Spending any time with them doesn't help my BW, so I am not going to spend energy doing it.

What would happen if BH#2 contacted me? That's not a pleasant thought. I think I would try to deflect it, by saying he needs to talk to his own WW. If I could not, I'd tell him the truth. Then I'd prepare to get hit with something. I wouldn't think for a second that he'd give a crap about anything that I was thinking or feeling, or believe an apology coming from me. After all, my actions towards him far outweigh anything I could say now.

You may want to write an apology letter and post it here. That's what I did. I knew I couldn't send it to her, but I did feel a little better writing it to express my heartfelt apology to the woman who's life I destroyed. Here is the link if you would like to read it: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=533318&HL=38336

There were BS's that replied on the thread that it helped them heal a little to read my post.

Just a suggestion - take it or leave it.

ETA: gabybaby

I'm in the "no" camp.

As a BS, I would view an apology from the various OW as them trying to make themselves feel better. I wouldn't think their apology has anything to do with MY feelings/pain at all.

I read this after I posted my comments. Writing it did make me feel better, but it definitely had to do with the pain that she must still be feeling. I wish I could send it to her, but I want to maintain NC. I really want her to know that I am deeply sorry. I wish I could take away her pain just like I wish I could take away BH's pain.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:20 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

I read your letter and thank you Pizzalover for your suggestion. I knew very little about my XAP's wife and as such my letter would probably be very short. And like you, this really has to do with my acknowledging the pain she is feeling and not me trying to make myself feel better.

I don't think that I will be sending her a letter, but if she ever contacts me, I will take the advice given here and apologize then.

Somethingremorse- Thanks for responding. I appreciate how you are helping your wife heal. I will say this though, I think you are wrong in thinking your acknowledgement to the other husband would mean nothing. I give no justification whatsoever for my wife's or the OM behavior but I do understand how human attractions can develop with people that work together. Hell they see each other and maybe even interact with eachother just as much if not more than their own spouses and family. I don't think you need to go out of your way but if the opportunity presents itself and karma has a way of helping in this area, I hope you can meet it head on and not deflect. This is interesting observation. Why am I seeing many more WW compelled to apologize and fewer WM? Maybe I just haven't been on the board long enough.