SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well time to face the one thing harder than dealing with an affair...waiting at the cell phone place to get phone fixed.

I am really good at jokes that really aren't funny.

bob - I bumped several threads to the top - check them out - the "target" icons.

she was warming up to me

I've seen this before as my SIL has cycled through this type of behavior a few times. Her husband has always tried the "I'm in for R" angle with her, will confront her with evidence, but won't push her with any consequences. She will eventually admit to the affair, fence sit for a while then indicate the A is over only for it to be discovered months/years later that she took it underground and it never stopped. That has resulted in her H enduring 2 LTA and she has had OC from the OM. And she persists in her actions. And he continues to wait.

Then i saw them out to lunch together, while my wife acknowledged me, he did not.

You have evidence. You see them, but pretend nothing is wrong. Take the advice now or take it later, but not establishing non-negotiable boundaries and then enforcing them will result in her either leaving you at some point or you living in an open marriage where she does whatever she wants.

"I told her he is not to be around the kids or on our property. I realize that this may be weak, but its better than nothing. Same with telling her i want to fix things. I guess its done, so i cant go back, but i can always get firmer"

This is in no way weak She is the one that must fix this affair

No need for MC until you a certain its stopped

And yes you must get firmer

Don't wait

You can't nice your way out of this

Get fucking angry but keep your control and composure

55

[This message edited by GTI55 at 11:04 AM, September 26th (Friday)]

What do you mean do not negotiate limbo?

Unless you get exactly what you need not want but need all you will get is limbo

The worst of all fates with zero control of the outcome

Please listen to HM64 He's been at this a while and very rarely wrong BTW no chance he is wrong on this one Bud

55

Thanks everyone.

The wife is with kids at her.moms (trip planned before confrontation). Returns tomorrow.

The next big event is an overnight work trip with all coworkerz including OM. Seems like boundry escalation needs to occur before then.

i have no desire to tell their boss....yet. The other mans wife, hmmm.

Why are you waiting to tell the OM'S wife?

Not sure why i havent told OM wife.

Not comfoftable for one, but then again i am nog exaxtly comfortable with my wife sleeping with another man. I appreciate the advice, but need to think this through.

another reason is leverage on the boundries. If broken, i will tell his wife. Maybe thats a bad selfish approach even before accounting for OMW. Leverage sounds like game playing.

I mean no offense by this, but i need to talk this through with a counselor. I know this site has seen a bagillion similar situations like mine.

I wouldnt even know how to contact her...i found her on facebook but didnt friend her.

The person who is willing to destroy the marriage controls the marriage.

The reason you have not told the OM'S wife is because i think you are scared of what your wife will say.

Tell her what you know.

Stop stalling.

What works is when you come at them hard and fast from all sides. Shock and awe. Don't back down. Others of us here have done this, some have had to learn the hard way like you seem you are on the path to do.

First call other man's wife and tell her about the affair. As soon as you hang up from that call phone your wife that you know about the affair and it's none of her business how you know and tell her what you need to reconcile - end the affair, quit or at least look for a job, no more working with other man, transparency, whatever. Dragging this out makes it harder and worse and less likely to reconcile in my opinion.

No way should she be going on overnights with other man ever again.

i have no desire to tell their boss....yet. The other mans wife, hmmm.

Before I give my opinion and advice...I think I missed something. What proof do you have. What hard evidence do you have of an affair with this guy?

Sorry if I missed the info.

I never gave proof yet, But have it.

I guess the other spouse would need that...

Before you tell the other guys wife, you had better have good proof.

The first mistake you did was to confront your wife without solid proof. Of course she will deny it.

Once you have or now that you do have solid evidence, it is time to blow up the affair. Affairs love secrecy, and the more people that know about the affair, the less secret it becomes.

No need to involve the boss yet, but telling the OMs wife will certainly damage the affair.

If you need better proof, then get it. Phone call numbers lists, texts, photos, emails...print or save them and then show them to your wife and let her deny that.

Usually, when an affair involved a coworker, the one thing that needs to occur is your wife quits her job today!

And most certainly is not going on any business trip with this guy.

Start verifying things. Does she get an hourly paycheck, confirm the hours for every night she worked OT.

Are you 100% sure of this trip being business related.

Confirm everything.

Look through your entire house for anything that can prove this. Notes, letters, etc. There are hundreds of hiding places in a house or her car.

You can always put a VAR in the car. A GPS tracker in the car.

But now is the time if you have solid proof to start the process of stopping this affair right now.

another reason is leverage on the boundaries. If broken, i will tell his wife

A lot of BS start thinking this way. The problem is that if you tell your wife this you are giving her time to plan with OM. All they do is tell other BS that there is a crazy man that is trying to cause trouble and making things up ... I've seen it quite a few times where they make things impossible for you to tell the OBS by painting you as the Bad guy... and carry on their A.

Do not warn you wife you are going to do this -- Just do it! Best bet is to tell OBS so you have another person watching them. Checking their emails, working on their own marriage. What happens most often is that when you show the OBS the evidence and they speak to their husband ... the OM throws the OW (your wife) under the bus...wants no part of the A or her.

It might now happen this way but with two small kids it's most likely. Do it for whatever reason, revenge or because it's the right thing to do .... just do it.

Good luck

I am afraid to drive them towards each other.

I am afraid to push too hard, but seems like there is a lot at stake...my confidence and mental well being, but also marriage/kids.

When you tell the OM's wife he will be too busy putting out the raging fire in his own home. He won't be too concerned with your WW. He'll likely throw her under the bus.

You have a lot more leverage in this situation than you think. Your WW hasn't left the marriage. If this was about running off into the sunset with OM, then where's the horse and saddle? Truth is, there isn't one. It's them playing "doctor".

If you feel like you are afraid to push too hard, that is very common at first.

But you will find that not pushing back just keeps the affair going and going and going. They just find better ways to hide it from you.

Dude. Trust us. You already have driven them together. Now the two of them are doing the hot-n-heavy Does He or Doesn't He Know. We'll Face This Together! Nothing Can Come Between Us. Our LURVE Will Conquer All. They are yakking it up frantically because YOU, while having seemingly discovered their affair, have done nothing. Nada. So together they are, professing their undying lurve and plotting vast and rainbow-fart scenarios where they ride into the sunset on your wallet.

Like it or not, you are living in an open marriage, except that you aren't getting screwed physically, but emotionally. There's just no nice way to say this. It isn't a nice situation. And there isn't a nice solution.

Your WW has declared war on you. Total and unrestrained war, and she is allying herself with the OM. Here's the good news. The OM is totally vulnerable. He has a family of his own and a career of his own that he doesn't want to lose. Trust me, he does NOT want to lose all that he has over a piece of what seemed to be free tail. General, you need to exploit this vulnerability.

Contact his BW and as kindly as you would wish someone else to have let you know that this was going on, give her the information that she needs to not be a mushroom in her marriage. Affairs are like cockroaches. They may be doing the stomp and strut all over your floor when the lights are off, but turn the light onto them, and they will freeze and then trample each other to get to a dark corner. The odds are, I would say, 98% that the OM will immediately, upon being confronted by his BW, throw your WW under the bus so hard that she bounces. The upside of this is now you have TWO pairs of eyes watching out for them trying to sneak off together and there is now trouble in Lurveville. If they are so deluded as to not break it off immediately, then you out them to HR.

You really do hold the cards here. It doesn't seem like it, but if you will get coldly angry and stand up on your back feet, you have the power to knock your WW right off of her ohso-comfortable fence. The decision is simple. She's with you 100%, giving you what you need, deserve, and expect or she can go live with the OM because you don't share. If it at all helps to get to that cold place, contemplate that you must, must, call your doctor and schedule a complete panel of STD/HIV tests, including the multiple follow-on tests. Because two adults don't play boy/girl friend without sexual contact. And no matter what she "says" she has already been proved to be a liar, and you cannot trust a liar. And no matter how friendly she starts acting towards you, you should not have any sexual contact with her until she goes to the doctor for the same tests and the doctor's office, not her, gives you the negative results.

Look, this is hard stuff. It is we all know that. We've all been there. And trust each and ever one of us when we say that there has never been one marriage "saved" by the betrayed partner trying to nice the adulterous one back. Not one.

Tell the other mans wife asap you said you have proof do it he will be scrambling to save his marriage.

So i am sti on the fence, but understand.

I dont like what i am hearing, but doesnt make it wrong.

Side note, what if the other spouse already knows. Doesnt change anything at all except i could get information out of her. Like i said, doesnt impact.the advice.given hear at all, just something i never thought of till now. I think i read somewhere women are better at picking.up on this...but you only see what you want to hear.

Bobiv: Get off the fence. Read my profile. Do you want to be like me? Answer: No, you don't.