SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A man who openly lies to his wife about who he is and what he is doing is living a deception.

How do you know he isn't lying? Because he tells you so? The life he lived and his actions toward his wife are more of a roadmap to how truthful he is than his words to you are.

HE IS A LIAR ALREADY> HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

We don't need to know him. We were all him at one point.

You aren't going to get anywhere, but where you are now. You don't want to. That is why you haven't told your husband the whole truth. Tell your husband the truth. Have your husband tell the married mans wife the truth. Post here a lot. It is the only way to move forward. Though I don't know if you want to. Many come on here like you and insist it isn't a lie. They are special. The relationship is about love and soul mates and shit. They are seeking validation from WS that they do matter to their APs. Some are strong enough to work, wake up, and stay. Some just leave, refusing to see the truth. What are you?

We know it is hard. We know you want to continue to hold on to that special feeling. To know you didn't waste all this time on nothing. But you did. To know it was worth loosing everything for. It isn't. It is a lie. You are not special to him. Start trying to be special to yourself. Then to your husband.

Why do you continue to think that you are more important than his wife? Why would you want to be with a man that can't honor his vows? Why? Because he was willing to cheat on her for you? That doesn't make you special. That makes you willing to be second best. Easy. Do you really want to be that? Do you really want to live a lie for the rest of your life. Never important enough to be presented as this mans wife and true love? You will not be. You never were. Your husband is the one that is proud of you. Is willing to show the world he is in a relationship with you. To marry you. Go ask your husband if the man is lying. Ask his wife.

You made your decision. Let your poor husband know and let him decide his fate. Then you need to decide to divorce him if you honestly believe he isn't your love. Then go find a single man.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 9:11 AM, February 23rd (Monday)]

Yes, I was so special and smart and attractive and we were made for each other. Just like the new AP is special and smart and attractive and they were made for each other. Just like in a few years another "lucky" girl will be the same.

I used to wonder why his former coworker from his job before this would come in to "visit" him at his new job and fuss over and hug him. Now, of course, I get it.

You are associating love with only a feeling instead of actions. I've been there, and so have the rest of the WS here.

If you really show your husband loving actions, and communicate your true feelings to him which is an act of love (the good, the bad, and the ugly), your feelings of love would be there eventually. It just takes time and work. This is how it works for me and my BH. If we share deeply with each other (not just the surface level activities of the day), and we make an effort to do loving things for one another, we are more intimate and can feel those loving feelings again.

I know it's hard, but you need to tell your BH the whole truth. He is a human being. He deserves the truth. If the situation were flipped, and he were having sex with another woman, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want the choice to protect yourself physically and emotionally?

He doesn't know it yet, but you have run a steam-roller through your marriage. He needs to know the truth so he can understand the wreckage and attempt to rebuild together after reaching a point of acceptance and mutual understanding about why it happened. It will take a long time, but it will take exponentially longer if he doesn't even know about the steam-roller. We are all rooting for you, and trying to tell you what the consequences are on here, but the person who you need to really hear the consequences from is your BH.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:55 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

2x4 coming at you, hard and fast...

If your AP is so great and your husband is not for you, divorce your husband and marry your AP. Oh wait, that's not an option either as HE IS MARRIED, TOO. Girl, you need a serious reality check. But then again, I don't think you want one - I think you want us to validate your feelings, comfort you, and tell you everything is going to be okay. You know, spoon feed you a load of crap just like your "wonderful, totally honest, ethical AP" does. Well, that's just not what we do. We throw ice water on your fantasies and delusions. We give you a glimpse of your future but it's up to you to be open to what we have to offer.

And by the way, in your case, can't let go really means "don't want to let go". Nobody is holding a gun to your head forcing you to do anything. You are choosing, every single day, to a)lie to your husband - and yes, you are LYING to him; b)whine and cry and long for your AP; c)be incredibly selfish.

How would you feel if your husband did this to you? If he was actively cheating on you, lied to you about it, longed for his mistress so much that he couldn't function, all while trying to make you believe that he loves you and wants to be with you? My guess is you'd be livid, hurt, and resentful. But, somehow what you're doing is okay because you ended the affair (in actuality, you are keeping the affair going in your mind - I predict the affair will start again, you will just try harder to hide it - but that's JMHO) and are trying to move on. Tell your husband EVERYTHING. Why? Well, because he deserves to know the truth about his wife. This wife who is cheating on him, lying to him, and who thinks her AP is the "one". It's bad enough you're disrespecting him with your A, but damn, can't you at least respect him enough to let him decide what he wants for his life?

TBH, I'd be surprised if you came back to this forum after all the 2x4's being thrown at you. It takes courage and a big spoonful of humility to take those 2x4's and use them for good. I just don't know if you're ready to change. My gut says no, but who knows....

[This message edited by MissesJai at 11:22 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)]

I don't see them as 2x4s. I see them as a moral compass. As a wayward, you lose sight of the way things should be. You convince yourself that gray areas are acceptable, because you are chasing a sort of homeostasis with your emotions. If these are 2x4s, then they are 2x4s offered as a lifeline to someone drowning in an ocean of moral ineptitude.

Telling my husband that I was intimate with the other man is for me out of discussion! Believe me I know my husband very well, he does not want to know! He knows enough so. He knows that I was texting this man regularly, he knows that I had interests in him. We have talked about it. For him as long as I stop my behavior, he will be willing to continue with me and our family. Why will I insist on telling him that I slept with this man for the whole two years? He does not want to hear it. Beside, AP is married and have a family and respectful job, why would I put him in this situation? We share a common work place, what if his wife gone crazy and confronted me at the work place? Then I will lose my family and my job. We are humans and we all get ourselves into messes like this, but if we have an opportunity to leave quietly without anyone getting hurt why not take the chance? AP will leave the job in a month or so, workplace was our only place to see each other, this might sound strange for some of you, but yes, we never met outside of work, I was just never comfortable with the idea on motels and places like that. Now, some of you might criticize me even more, but that's ok it's all about telling the truth. I can feel that my brain slowly is getting use to the idea that he will be leaving soon. AP is texting me just hello and want to make sure I'm ok. I still believe in him, I still respect him, I told him my feelings are the same the only difference is the way I'm acting by trying to stay away to give my brain and my heart the time to get use to the new situation. I know eventually he will ask to see me again. I'm just afraid that I might get weak and agree. It never stops at the point of seeing each other. Beside my feelings are still burning for him.

Posting as a member----

Marialena,

Why are you here? Really, why are you? What are you looking for? It sounds like you know what you're doing. You're still allowing OM to text you, probably responding, and there are people here trying to help you and you're looking for....what?

Unless you cut contact with OM completely and start living honestly and authentically nothing is going to change. If this is the life you want, that's fine. I'm just not sure what you want to happen.

I know what's going to happen if you keep doing what you're doing---nothing good, I can guarantee you that.

it's all about telling the truth.

Telling us the truth may be good for us to give you sound advice. However keeping dire secrets from your husband won't help your marriage.

Affairs just don't die down because you rugsweep them or hope they aren't found out.

You are going on a lot of assumptions of how this plays out without any experience of how to end affairs.

You are still so buried in it that you can't see the damage you already caused.

Beside, AP is married and have a family and respectful job, why would I put him in this situation

You already have by getting into an affair with him

We share a common work place, what if his wife gone crazy and confronted me at the work place? Then I will lose my family and my job.

That would be a consequence for getting involved with her husband

We are humans and we all get ourselves into messes like this, but if we have an opportunity to leave quietly without anyone getting hurt why not take the chance?

All of us do not get into messes like this and the mature thing to do when we find ourselves in this kind of mess is take responsibility and admit ALL your wrongdoings.

We are not trying to criticize you. We are telling from experience what will help you.

On the surface it sounds counterproductive, but it's not.

Currently the way you are handling things are predominantly for your protection.

If you continue this way, you are going to wind up divorced in the long run.

Cheating wrecks lives. I, too, operated from a me-first perspective when I strayed. What helped me hold myself accountable was to imagine everyone affected by my actions as victims of a car crash. Cheating wrecks lives and the victims are scattered about at the scene of the crash. You can either stand there and do nothing and watch them continue to suffer or you can summon the help needed.

that's ok it's all about telling the truth.

Is it really? To whom? Certainly NOT to your husband, yet it's "all about telling the truth" to a bunch of strangers on the internet. This is some ass backwards shit.

you are going to wind up divorced in the long run.

IMO, I think this is what you want, but you can't bring yourself to pull the plug. You've stated that your husband isn't for you, that your marriage was arranged, that you didn't love your husband when you married him - so, this A and your feelings for this OM are your way out.

You don't want to tell your husband because "he knows enough". I guarantee you he knows more than you think. Affairs change us - we behave differently. We dress differently. Our partners do notice. Even if they don't say anything, they notice. INAB used to tell me "just cause I don't say shit, don't mean I don't see shit". He was dropping hints that he noticed but I was sooooo sure I was covering my tracks, when in fact, there was nothing I could do to hide the change in my day to day behavior. You're still in deep denial and until you figure out what you want, we cannot help you.

You're not that skilled at lying and hiding. Neither is your AP. You both will have to learn the hard way.

Oh and you never answered my questions. But, I have a feeling I already know the answers. Figure out what you want. If you want to save your marriage, then come clean, endure all that comes with it, and fight for your marriage. If you can't do that, respect your husband enough to let him go. It really is that simple.

His poor wife and family. The one left in the dark, but obviously important enough for him to want to stay with them just not important enough to be treated with respect. Why would you want a man that can't even treat his own family with respect. I know...you believe in him. He doesn't lie.

We are humans and we all get ourselves into messes like this, but if we have an opportunity to leave quietly without anyone getting hurt why not take the chance?

Yeah, you want to leave quietly because you don't want to face the reality. The consequences. The fact that you really don't mean as much as you think you do. If the pot was stirred than his wife would be brought into the picture and you know that you would be thrown under the buss and you wouldn't be able to stand hearing how you don't matter from your APs mouth or in some letter. You just wouldn't be able to handle him leaving you for good and choosing his wife over you.

When we say live an authentic life, that means treating other people with respect. You aren't. Your relationships will always fail no matter who they are with because you are selfish always looking out for what is easiest for you. Do what is right because it is right. This man will always be in you life if you don't tell his wife, but maybe the other posters are right. You want to leave quietly so there is always a chance to go back to him.

You think you know your husband. We never know each other. My wife thought she knew me till I had two affairs. Your husband probably thought he knew you till you had an affair. I bet he will come to resent you...he is in pain and doesn't want to face the truth and you know that if he knew it all he would probably leave you or tell the OM wife.

Your relationships will always fail no matter who they are with because you are selfish always looking out for what is easiest for you

Wow

WS ONLY.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:50 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

I don't agree with some of the posters that are suggesting to tell the OMs wife. I just don't understand how is it good to commit such a thing! I believe in the power of healing self from within and trying to understand the reasons that lead to the affair. Anyone who agrees with me? I'm still not cured from my feelings and still going through the withdrawal, however, something inside of me is telling me that's it's over. I won't be able to see him regularly and that for me a deal breaker. I'm scared of the loneliness that I will encounter. I don't know why I feel so empty from the inside! I don't know why can't I enjoy my life. My life schedule is very busy between two kids my full time job and my house. However, I feel emotionally very empty. I'm afraid I might fall in this situation again. I'm vulnerable and lonely despite all the people around me. I ask myself is it going to make me happy if I continue this affair with him? It's possible! I know he wants to, but I find myself not satisfied with that either! What the hell is what I want! I just wanted him near me, I just wanted to get to see him even if nothing happens between us. I just wanted his presence in my world. I'm very scared of myself when he will be gone. I just wish I never acted on my feelings, it only made me attach to him even more

OP get ready for some adult sixe 2X4"s

You never meet outside of work ?

Only to bang in some hallway closet ?

Fun and exciting no ?

And you feel overwhelming love from this ?

Your soul mate ? What horseshit

Seriously ?

Cheaters are liars by definition period end of conversation.

Your AP can and will replace you as soon as he finds another weak AP. It's gonna happen.

Tell your H. Get everything sorted out one way or the other

You H knows already It's just that neither of you have the courage to face this.

Even if you remain married for 35 plus years The guilt and shame will consume you

Even with this you are likely to continue this destructive behavior

Total destruction to everybody.

And the resentment will consume your H

Allow him to choose to forgive you and know exactly what he is forgiving.

I was in a 6 plus year A I thought I would have a hard time moving on. I felt and said all the same things you did. The truth is once it stopped, I moved on fairly quickly. The emotional abyss created by an affair is torture and exhausting.

It took me years to realize what I needed to do to fully commit all my energy to my wife and family.

I robbed them of many years of happiness because I did not deal with my shit full on

I too was a coward.

You know what the right thing to do is

So do it

55

[This message edited by GTI55 at 6:54 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

What about your husband? Are you just using him for what he can provide? You are not satisfied with yourself and who you are.

If you are not satisfied with who you are, no one else will ever be able to satisfy you either.

You keep looking for external validation from men or a man. You will never be fulfilled doing that.

True happiness comes from within and brings you fulfillment. Seeking happiness from others is fleeting and temporary. You think you need the OM because of how you feel. If you were happy with yourself, no matter what, you would feel satisfied. What about your husband...you are so caught up in you are you even concerned about him or your children?

I don't agree with some of the posters that are suggesting to tell the OMs wife.

Gently, the reason you don't agree is because its going to burn the bridge back to the AP. You know he is going to throw you under the bus. Right now your husband is plan B.

I just don't understand how is it good to commit such a thing!

It allows his wife to actually figure out what the fuck her husband has been doing. She has a right to see the mess her husband is making of their marriage. I would guess that you aren't the first.

I believe in the power of healing self from within and trying to understand the reasons that lead to the affair.

Great for you. You get to heal from within. She gets to have a festering cancerous mass in her marriage that is growing even if you aren't telling her its there.

How would you feel if your doctor found out that you had cancer but didn't let you know so you could figure out what you needed to do to get better.

Anyone who agrees with me?

There is one person on this forum who chose not to tell. I believe its the wrong choice. I believe that secrets come to light. If it does it will be much worse than it would have been if the truth had been out there before.

I'm still not cured from my feelings and still going through the withdrawal, however, something inside of me is telling me that's it's over.

Seriously?

I won't be able to see him regularly and that for me a deal breaker.

you weren't able to see him regularly before, remember there is this thing called Life i.e. kids, bills, husband, family obligations.

I'm scared of the loneliness that I will encounter

Uhhhh has your husband left you? So you have your husband, but you aren't finding your contentment from him? Again, he is plan B. You can't have AP so you will "Settle" for the guy who fathered your kids and has been loyal to you.

I don't know why I feel so empty from the inside! I don't know why can't I enjoy my life. My life schedule is very busy between two kids my full time job and my house.

Its because you are looking for the excitement of the affair in all those things. Also you probably aren't doing anything for yourself. This is important also. Take time to do something that makes you feel good (Not an affair.... those are off limits ) Yoga, knitting, sewing, reading, writing, painting... take some time each day for something for you.

I wake up in the morning and look at my wife and feel content because I am able to wake up beside her. There is a big difference in the two. I am not looking for fireworks, tho they are there, I am looking at the happiness and contentment of a loving relationship that I get to have because of her willingness and love to give me the gift of reconciliation each day.

However, I feel emotionally very empty. I'm afraid I might fall in this situation again. I'm vulnerable and lonely despite all the people around me.

What have you been doing to work on you and your relationship with your H?

I ask myself is it going to make me happy if I continue this affair with him? It's possible!

No, once his wife finds out you will be thrown under the bus. And his wife will find out. If you continue and your husband finds out that you have continued he may just drop the news on her.

I know he wants to, but I find myself not satisfied with that either!

So he still wants his side piece, and his marriage. How loving and caring of him.

What the hell is what I want! I just wanted him near me, I just wanted to get to see him even if nothing happens between us.

No.. you want things to happen... the seeing is just the first step... you know he wants to continue, but you are satisfied with just seeing him? No... you are like a crack addict who says that hanging out at the crack house is ok as long as you don't smoke any.

I just wanted his presence in my world. I'm very scared of myself when he will be gone. I just wish I never acted on my feelings, it only made me attach to him even more

Why are you scared of when he goes? What will change? The change is that the bridge back to him will be gone and you will won't have 2 choices anymore.

You acted on your feelings because you have serious boundary issues. And its going to happen again and again and again if you don't fix the issues that are within you that allowed you to step outside the marriage.

Familyfirst:? It is true. She is talking about her husband not being the man for her. So what happens? She ends the affair. She leaves her husband? She didn't want to really marry him anyway. Her last post is all about how empty she is inside without someone to fill it. R from an A is all about filling ourselves up in a healthy way. Not relying on APs or our spouses to do that. So what makes you think that by running away from her AP and her husband without solving herself will ever lead to a healthy relationship? She needs IC, she needs to find herself and stop relying on other people to make her happy.