SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

good on getting in to the attorney so quickly

Also, NO IT's NOT YOUR FAULT. Cheating is never an option !! Besides, it's not like she didn't contribute to that problem of boringness. She had her hand in it. Her efforts should have been to re-ignite the spark between you two rather than to do what she's doing

Do not accept blame for this

again I agree with Nononsense

You don't understand technology on an iPhone but you understand technology enough to set up the camera, connect it to a storage device, record video, then download it to your laptop. What was the conversation like about her dying mother and does your wife want to know when the funeral arrangements will be made?

Also, the guy is almost definitely married, otherwise why the hotel and why in your house? You will want to tell other man's wife as well as soon as you can, not telling your wife because otherwise she will warn him and he will either block you or make you look like a crazy jealous husband. Telling other man's wife kills the affair on his end and telling her the truth of her life is just the right thing to do.

When I confronted my wife I told her if she wanted other man rather than me than go ahead, I'll help you pack and send you on the way, I was pushing her to do that. I was not acting, it was not an act to manipulate her, I really did not want her to stay if she didn't want to stay. I had a lot more evidence than you because my wife hadn't properly deleted any of the messages. If I had a "toothbrush" comment, I doubt I could have stayed.

I suggest not making any ultimatums. If you do threaten an ultimatum, then you must follow through or else she will not take you seriously. So don't narrow your choices and don't make any ultimatums. Tell her she can do what she wants, but so can you. YOU get to control what you are accepted to stay in the marriage. She can do what she wants, but you don't have to stay. If she doesn't want to show ACTIONS that she is committed, then you can decide what is best for you.

Many cheaters will say the right thing, but WORDS are not important, ACTIONS are. Pay not too much to the words and almost completely on the actions.

@DIFM I didn't set up the camera on my own.It is ok.I know you don't believe me and I don't blame you.I didn't tell my wife my mom was dead,I actually told my wife that my mother was very ill and felt like she was dying so she needed to see me perhaps for the last time in her life.My wife shed some tears and hugged me...so i don't know maybe she loves me after all.I don't think I can get over the details though.She could've had this affair elsewhere and kept herself clean instead of disrespecting me.She needed excitement in her life I get it but I wonder why she would disrespect me like that promising to kiss me with that mouth.

Curious also about whether your mom really is dying and if so is your wife not concerned at all about that? Because you didn't really go to your mom's, you went to a friend's house, right?

Edited, OK, I understand. Still thought she would want to go to see her too if it was that serious. A few tears and then bringing a guy over the house? That's cold.

Was your daughter home during this?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 8:56 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

@wk55hn Thank you so much for the advice man!I really appreciate it.Yes...the "toothbrush" comment really stood out for me.It was the most devastating part.

@wk55hn no,my mom is ok.She's very old that's why I told my wife she was dying.It was a good excuse.I think my wife cares because her and my mom were actually always on good terms.

If you want excitement in your life go sky diving, go rock climbing... Talk to your husband about it and do some "exciting things together". Do not take the blame for this A, she had many other choices she choose to put both your life (STD's) and marriage in danger because she wanted "excitement" not reasonable excuse.

You can take blame for problems in the marrage but the A was 100% her choice.

@nononsense maybe it is my fault because I've become a boring person and me and her kinda lost that spark.She doesn't think I'm attractive any more

I'll make believe you did not just write the above. PLEASE GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. you could be the most boring guy on the face of the earth and that would not justify what she is doing.

You have however long you want to to sort out the aftermath of this shitstorm.

i am going to repeat to you again as has everyone else basically. YOU MUST CONFRONT HER IMMEDIATELY OR LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE HERE. SHE HAS LEFT YOU NONE AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE HERE.

You need to stop making excuses for her. THERE ARE NONE, and the sooner you accept that the better off you will be. IF YOU DO NOT act, you will wake up every morning knowing that movie you just recorded is going to be replaying in your bedroom daily. Is that what you want. If so, then just sit there and figure out why you are to blame. None of us can do this for you. We know that is painful, but your wife has made some choices here that you are not getting out of without pain. the only question here is if you want to regain some dignity and self esteem back.

Now i don't know where she is or you are today, but if she is at home i suggest rather than posting here all day and blaming yourself you take a vacation day and go home and do what needs to be done. It will be better for you in the long run

When everyone here tells you basically the same thing in different words this group is rarely wrong.

GET OUT OF DENIAL AND HELP YOURSELF!!!!

I apologize for being harsh but this is one of the worst cases of infidelity i have read here.

Was your daughter home during the sexcapades? I still think it's cpretty cold that your wife didn't come with you if your mom might be the last time alive. Why didn't she?

Why do you think she no longer finds you attractive?

@wk55hn my daughter doesn't stay at home that much because she's on vacation.So no,she wasn't at home.Otherwise my wife wouldn't have brought that man over and I really don't know why she didn't come with me.I didn't really ask her whether she wanted to come or not.She just hugged me,shed some tears and said she was sorry but that was all.

nidd, I hate that you're in this situation, but I'm glad you were sent here for help.

she'd kiss me without brushing her teeth

Hate to say I'm in that club as well, although I don't think my wife did it out of spite. It turns my stomach that you saw and heard the things you did in that video. You've already received lots of good advice on how to handle this, but I want to remind you to take care of yourself. It's very easy in the midst of the storm of emotions you're going through to neglect your own needs. Make sure to keep eating and getting as much rest as you can. If you need to, get some protein drinks to have if you don't feel like, or find that you're not eating regularly. It's important to keep yourself healthy and alert through this. Also know that you're on the wildest emotional roller coaster ride you've ever been on and there's no way to be completely ready for what's going to happen, so I have to agree with the advice to start IC.

One thing more. Do NOT blame yourself for her cheating. No matter what you may have done, not done,or she or you imagined you have done warrants or justifies what SHE has done. She'll try to pin this on you, but she is the one at fault here. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING makes what she did ok, just desserts, or whatever. This is TOTALLY on her. If she was unhappy or what have you, she could've gone to counseling, asked for couple's counseling, or a thousand other things that would be acceptable options. Adultery is NEVER an acceptable option. It is totally self-centered selfishness and has NOTHING to do with you.

Keep posting here. We care and will be here for you.

@wk55hn well,for her to hook up with someone else,younger than me,it goes to show I'm not good enough for her.I don't really know to be honest.

@WearingTheHorns Thank you!I'm really grateful that there are people like you who give advice in such situations.I just wonder if she still loves me because she's a really nice person and despite cheating she still acts like a good mom etc. and tells me she loves me and smiled and so on...but...she had sex with another guy moreover she vowed to kiss me with the same mouth she blew him with.This is something I don't understand.I don't know why should do that.If she wants to have sex...then at least have safe sex and don't get me involved in this....

I'm stunned. Stunned enough to wonder if it is even real.

But let's say it is real.

wk55hn, Nononsense, and Western have all 3 given you excellent advice. Think about this, nidd. 3 people, independently, essentially giving you the same advice. And all 3 have "been there". Do you think this is advice that maybe you should follow? You bet your ass it is!

I agree w/ all of this:

1- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I don't care if you're as bland and boring as Ben Stein in "ferris buhler's day off". There are a million other things to do than to do what she did.

2- Don't not divorce b/c of children. Children are best served in a healthy home. Sometimes that's a D home; and sometimes a married home is much worse.

3- Don't tell her how you know.

4- Do more investigation. You need to get her cellphone and get all deleted messages off of it. There are programs that can help with this.

5- Keep playing detective.

6- Do the 180.

7- Shock and awe... great advice.

I like Western's list of things (in order) that you need to do. And I agree, too: DO THEM NOW! TODAY!

Damn.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 9:16 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

Cheaters don't usually do this cruel stuff like the toothbrush incident unless they are very angry and resentful. It is not unusual for the cheater to believe all of her unhappiness is your fault, you are boring, you don't make enough money, you don't make her feel loved, even though she is boring to you, she doesn't make you feel loved, she doesn't make enough money.

What happens is that life gets routine, too much focused on finances, chores, kids, etc., and wife is not unhappy, it is OK, then some other guy starts sniffing at her and courting her, flirting her, complimenting her, and he doesn't have to deal with her with chores, finances,kids, just focusing on her, he only has to deal with her an hour or two a day and text her a bit. All of a sudden then your wife, who was fine before, not really thinking anything was terrible, not unhappy, now all of a sudden she can't believe how unhappy she is, and has always been for a long time, for years, never has been happy with you since day one, etc. It's called rewriting the history. Most cheaters do it to some degree, some more than others.

If your wife sought it out on her own, through cheating website hookups for example, then it's a different animal.

I don't understand.I don't know why should do that.If she wants to have sex...then at least have safe sex and don't get me involved in this...

.

I cannot believe I am reading this. So fucking other men in your bed is OK as long as she is a good Mom and she uses a condom?????

Are you saying you are willing to share her as long as she uses protection and still smiles at you.

What are you saying here?????? Sounds like more excuses not to do anything???? That is your right but if that is the case what other advice do you want???? i do not think the people here are going to tell you to just smile and suck it up.

@nononesense no im not saying it's ok to fuck other men in our marital bed.I meant I'd be more willing to forgive her if she fucked him elsewhere-in that hotel,for instance.But that's not ok either.I just don't know any more I am sorry

.then at least have safe sex and don't get me involved in this..

The only way for her to have not involved you in this would be to have divorced you, then done the things she has. I told my wife the day I confronted her this would have a ripple effect that was going to go beyond this and beyond just us.

I just wonder if she still loves me because she's a really nice person and despite cheating she still acts like a good mom etc. and tells me she loves me and smiled and so on...

I understand you wanting that to be true, but honestly her telling the OM she was going to kiss you w/o brushing her teeth speaks volumes about who she really is. That's a level of spite and disrespect that's mind boggling. Unfortunately cheaters either become, or already are expert liars. Maybe she does still love you, but it's not the same love she had before.