SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is nothing wrong with wanting a divorce. Reconciliation is not for everyone. I tried and it just didn't work for me. It does sound like you have done a great job researching everything. I also do hate the bias where people try to make you feel guilty for not wanting to reconcile. My xW is a serial cheater and they did it every time. Just kept laying it on thick every time we had a problem. My xW had no problems telling her mom everything. I probably should have ended the marriage over that alone but I didn't and I had to be burned multiple times to get it through my head it doesn't work for me.

Good for you for standing up in what you believe. I wished I had done it sooner for myself.

C

And, for sure, the BS who immediately knows they want divorce IS NOT the bad guy!

Imgone,

I am impressed that 2months out and your resolve to D hasn't wavered at all. Most BSs find ourselves on a rollercoaster from one extreme to another.

You have come to a place of support, some members have been here a while, it will be nice to listen to their perspective especially concerning the children.

Yearsofpain25 has a first-hand experience on the effects of divorce on the children. Whatever course your final decision will take, I would advise that you 'spend ' some time with him on SI, so that you may have better insight on how to shield your children from the infidelity shitstorm and the debilitating aftershocks.

Once more, I admire and commend you for your resolve.

[This message edited by StabbedBride at 9:56 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

Oh quit pushing your beliefs on others.

Not wanting a spouse who has cheated on him doesn't mean that he's destined for a life of unhappiness.

Fair enough. I maybe guilty of pushing my beliefs. But the "belief" I'm pushing is not that he should reconcile with his wife. As I said, that is his choice and it might not be the right one for him. Instead I'm pushing for him to recognize the importance of forgiveness and compassion. Forgiveness, especially, is a gift we give ourselves. It frees us from the corrosive bitterness of being betrayed.

Whether he D's or R's or whatever, without an understanding of these actions and traits he is, in fact, destined for a life of unhappiness.

[This message edited by chifrudo at 9:51 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

"she also couldn't allegedly even finish the act so she stopped in the middle."

She's lying. Many cheaters say the same thing as though it makes it all better. She went through with it. My ex said the same thing. She was lying. My ex also said it was only twice. Again she was lying. She was in bed with the OM at least every other day for over three months. That doesn't include the EA and other times spent with him.

"I still do not owe her a second chance and reconciliation."

You're correct. You don't owe her anything. She made her choice knowing full well what she was doing. This was her decision alone. You owe her nothing ever.

"hard for cheaters to grasp, namely the idea of boundaries and their enforcement."

True. If they understood it then they wouldn't have chosen their coarse of action. It sucks to be them.

"She wants now so badly to reconcile and make it up to me and I'll be the bad guy if I don’t grant that to her."

You aren't the bad guy and everyone who truly understands will know it. She made the decision. She knew it was wrong yet did it anyway. She's the bad guy for tearing down her family with her own hands.

"she should have had some morals first hand, so no remorse is needed at the end."

It's true. Had she valued you and her children she wouldn't have chosen to screw someone else. It was all about what she wanted even knowing the damage she was doing. She chose her own selfish desires over everyone that mattered and cared about her.

"equality is gone out of the window forever."

Correct again. She's not an equal. She's a low life piece of trash that doesn't deserve anyone's attention or care. She proved herself to be a whore. She revealed her true self centered colors.

"the horror I'm going through has really opened my eyes, so those are the types of a persona that are able to abuse their loved ones with such an atrocious type of evil."

There are a lot of trashy people like her in the world. Those who, when it comes time to stand for something, submit to their own selfish interests regardless of the damage and life altering repercussions they're forcing onto those who care about them most.

"even if she would never cheat on me again it's probably because she wouldn't have the right conditions but not because she wouldn't do this to me anymore."

I've been through this. I R'd with my ex after the first D-Day only to find out years later that she'd gone underground with many partners since. After second D-day I tossed her to the curb. I should have D'd after finding out who she was the first time. I was optimistic. I'm now a realist.

"I will not be really "alone". I have really a lot of things to do and to accomplish, both by contributing to my-self as well as society, up to the point that I would even not have enough time as a single for everything to be accomplished."

I've been able to accomplish so much without my ex whore holding me back. I'm so much more active and fulfilled. I didn't know how good it could be.

"I can only win, it's a win-win situation for me; my wife is going to lose a lot; she even admits it, but that's her problem not mine."

I'm there with you. It's all win. My life is so much better and I'm so much happier. It's amazing.

"I did not cause her to cheat and lose everything. "

That's the same conclusion I came to. This has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her. She was a cheater before she cheated and she now always will be. She chose to cheat. She knowingly gambled everything and everyone she had in exchange for sex with another man. She lost the gamble. Justice is served.

I love the steps you have outlined for yourself. I wish my head had been clear enough to have done that for myself. I support everything you're doing. I've been there.

What HolyHell said word for word..

I don't blame you ..If you have the option ( means/strength ) to walk away immediately due to her behavior being a deal breaker you are fortunate..

Deal breakers are deal breakers..

I agree with Holy Hell that forgiveness in a broader sense can be explored..Go ahead and divorce..In time you will be able to adapt to NC and make your daily life/livelihood without her a good one..

But find some good in her to speak to and about..Especially given that you have kids with her..

Deal with this in a similar way as you would deal with her untimely death..

I think this will give you more peace..

Sending you strength..

My computer belched out a duplicate post :-/

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:11 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

I wonder why she just confessed out of the blue?

At any rate, the bottom line is, if you cannot ever forgive your wife for this, then the only answer is divorce. Otherwise it will be a marriage full of resentment.

Only you can know if you could ever forgive this. The emotional roller coaster is hell, one day mad and divorcing, the next day sad, the next day mad again and the next day second guessing.

If a spouse wants out of a marriage they should go, I don't think anyone would disagree with that. There have been plenty on SI that decided infidelity, emotional or physical, was a deal breaker and they divorced.

On the other hand, some feel it is not a deal breaker and do try to R. I don't think anyone should second guess them either. There are a lot of "success stories" of R, some with serial cheaters (which I could not deal with - or at least I think I couldn't).

What I would caution is that you need some IC to help you deal with your anger. Your kids need IC too. This is not going to be easy on them. You will need to communicate with your wife about the children.

this is for gonebythedown and yearsofpain25

yearsofpain thank you for brining a different insight to gone's story sometimes it seems the child's wellbeing is not being thought of. The one thing that is true though is that the cheating wife with her ONS is the one who was not thinking of her children just as you suggest happened to you in your childhood. this is not on gone. i guess he has been faithful idk but he is here because she had a failed attempt at at ons and then got a conscious but truthful she was naked with another man so i dont see how she does not view as cheating- it is!

what i read on another site- i have been online alot in these last few months is that the bs should not have to leave their comforts. the ws should...

so to make things fair for the children gone should not leave his ws should and he can keep the children and she can pay child support.

Best wishes to you gone!

Not wanting a spouse who has cheated on him doesn't mean that he's destined for a life of unhappiness.

Plenty of people have separated and gone on to find love and have led very fulfilling lives with people that they had a better connection with, have decided they'd be happier alone or done, well, whatever.

Amen.

Whether he D's or R's or whatever, without an understanding of these actions and traits he is, in fact, destined for a life of unhappiness.

You can understand forgiveness and compassion just fine while still deciding not to forgive someone. Saying a grown man who is going through a traumatically painful event in which he's thinking he can't forgive a betrayal is someone who doesn't understand these concepts is highly patronizing of you. Just about everyone understands these concepts and it doesn't mean they're wrong if they don't respond to something the same way you do. They're not damaged or doomed to a life of unhappiness just because they may not forgive someone. Take it from me. There are people in my life who have grievously wronged me and never apologized thus I've never forgiven. I have no problems sleeping at night. I barely think about it. There's nothing corroding my soul and I'm not full of anger that can explode at a second's notice. There's really no evidence that forgiveness is a required step someone has to take to move on though it does help some people like you. They can just move on.

Goneby, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. There's no shame in that. It's the risk your WW took when she cheated. You don't owe her a second chance. As for if she's still lying, saying she stopped midway is one of the most common lies a WS tells. Saying it happened only once is another. If she knew him before that night, chances are it was more than once. She did have his contact info to delete afterall. If she did not willingly show you all of her previous messages with OM and just deleted them before giving you access, chances are there was a lot more she didn't want you to know about. I would only believe her version of events if she showed you messages as proof of what happened and how it only happened once. If she hid information and you don't feel like you have the full story, even if you wanted to R, you really couldn't. Continued deception is not conducive to R and full honesty is step 1. Without it, it really does not matter how much work she appears to be doing. A truly remorseful spouse would have given you the truth.

But you have thoughts and beliefs that seem incompatible with a happy life whether you D or not.

It sure appears that way. The thing I got from your post is that your WW currently owns your head, and that the D and the actions you are planning to take afterward involve punishing her as much as saving yourself. To wit...

Ah and of course on top of that, what would be her consequences once she would be forgiven. Walking around with that big smile spread all over her face...

I understand using the hate and the desire to punish to power your way through the morass, but start thinking about when is a good time to start setting aside the hate, so it doesn't own you forever.

I'd suggest now is a good time to start the process, even though it is only two months in. For you, not her.

If you read in The Healing Library here, you'll see reference to the 180, a detachment process. It is a time-proven process that helps you get on with the healing and moving forward.

You also said...

For me to reconcile with a cheating wife is plain and simple losing my face.

When we attach our self-esteem and understanding of who we are to our spouse's actions, we are at the whim of forces we do not control. Do you feel her affair says something about you? Does that really make sense when you examine it in the light of day? I'm thinking you are thinking this way, when I read...

... it (the affair) is at least a conscious act of evil

Ever heard of Hanlon's Razor?

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Your wife was stupid and selfish, for sure. But consider that you were a supporting actor in her life story, instead of the specific target of her evil actions. That maybe it was never about YOU. She's just another member in the crooked timber of humanity.

My friend, you just got airdropped into an emotional shit storm, which also happens to be laboratory in human nature. Hers and yours both. You are divorcing. My suggestion is to start the detaching emotionally to match your detaching physically and legally. Hard process, but necessary if you don't want her to own your head any longer than necessary.

You've been heard, my friend. Sending strength!

Everyone has his/her line in the sand. The straw that breaks the camel’s back. If this is yours then fine, go ahead and divorce. It definitely is one of the only two GOOD ways out of infidelity.

Frankly I don’t care if you D or R. That’s not our role here on SI. We want you out of infidelity. That’s all. R or D – your call.

I have seen cases here where a wife wanted a divorce because her husband supposedly groped a woman’s ass. He claimed it was accidental in a crowded bar but the wife simply filed and wouldn’t have anything more to do with him.

I have also seen a couple survive multiple infidelities. Heck… Some of the moderators here have gone through reconciliation and haven’t lied, rug-swept, denied, deceived or resorted to escapism. I wouldn’t want to use any of those phrases to describe our hosts and hostesses here on SI.

[Please – don’t say “they are special” because they aren’t. Not any more special than any of us. They are probably just plain people like us, and like us they could change and make amends for their faults.]

The only thing I would ask you to consider is:

Based on what you write about what reconciliation is then I don’t really think you understand it. The phrases denial, lying, rug-sweeping and all that… Those phrases have NOTHING to do with reconciliation. NOTHING AT ALL.

If you have two options then make sure you understand BOTH before making your choice.

I walked out of my relationship when I caught her in bed with another man. In my case I was relatively young, we had been together for about 5 years and our big planned wedding was still 5 weeks away. No kids, no legal attachment, and no assets and so on so technically the separation was easy. Emotionally I realized right away I wanted out. I did not want to base my future marriage from this hole she had dug us. It was a tough decision but once I reached it I felt an immense sense of relief and purpose.

Some years ago I listened to Aron Ralston – the guy who had to cut off his hand to save himself from under a stone in a canyon in Utah. He described the thoughts leading up to when he realized what he had to do and the immense sense of relief and purpose once the decision was made. Sort of like the same sense of relief and purpose I felt.

Do you feel a sense of relief and purpose with your decision?

Who was the guy?

One night stands I think don't usually involve what I would refer to an "affair" where you would need blocking phones and no contact. I am thinking of one night stand along the lines of a drunken night in a bar.

Are you curious how your wife came to cheat? What was her behavior throughout the marriage? Were you happy with her before this?

More than one former cheater here has offered to help and not fight against the divorce. Have you asked your wife if she really wanted to help you now she could stop being selfish and acqiesce to your wishes rather than arguing against the divorce and getting armies of relatives to join her struggle? Not make you the "bad" guy for how you feel?

What have you put up with that regarding you said even her other relatives wouldn't help with her?

Why did she confess?

Ah and of course on top of that, what would be her consequences once she would be forgiven. Walking around with that big smile spread all over her face...

I didn't take away as much from this as everyone else did. While he has chosen one path, it does not preclude him from going through the same exact stages as everyone else. Right now he's smack dab in the middle of the anger stage.

My take on if he's going to be unhappy for life, my takeaway is that any event in your life can be one where the healthy person is able to look back on and take something about it to improve themselves from. Trying to decide what that is right now is a futile exercise. Even though the poor dude has made a decision, he's still navigating the emotional minefield of extracting himself from this disaster, as is evidenced by his post here.

It's a pretty good chance that if someone starts a thread here they're looking to improve themselves of their situation. 99.99% of them are "I'm in a terrible fucking situation and I need help. Anyone, please, help". Let's just help the poor guy without judging if he's going to come out of this an asshole or not.

I would react exactly the same way.

You will come out of this fine and recover fast once you have no contact.

Good luck. I admire principled people. Its become a rare event to actually hear one. You will meet someone who is grateful to have you in their life.

Travel sounds like a great idea.

I believe in the scorched earth policy myself. It guarantees a pure rebirth.

Best wishes and strength for the times you are going through.

Let's just help the poor guy without judging if he's going to come out of this an asshole or not.

Throttle back, Eric. No one is judging him like you are saying.

I agree with Eric, House. Some people have judged OP quite strongly.

I think Eric hit the nail on the head in his above post.

No one has judged the OP. Please stop the back and forth and post on the situation.