SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, actually I even don't know where to start. I think it's partly because I could never imagine that I would be here in such a place, but also because I even struggling to decide at which forum to post my story due to my maybe somehow unique situation. On the other hand, I'm not even sure that the whole story belongs in here, hence it seems completely different from most stories I read on that board where either the WS is not remorseful or cooperative or the BS is encourage to forgive and reconcile with the WS under any circumstances given the fact that he or she is cooperative and remorseful. It also seems as though I'm in the minority and there are not so many other BS who have the same mindset as me. At least of what I have found of some of these online forums! So, I'm sorry if I'm inconsistent but it still takes a lot for me to write about it. Even if behind the screen of a PC it's still embarrassing and hurts like hell. In a way I'm stuck in somewhat an intermediate stage, a transitional midway of being in "no man's land" at this point. It happened more than two months ago so not sure the story belong to the "just found out"; on the other hand, where I live divorce can't be finalized immediately and the proceedings can take some time. Under certain circumstances even relatively a long period of time and besides of this there are other considerations I must address prior to divorce. So, we're still not in the divorce process and separated. I will describe immediately what happened, but currently I'm in a situation where I'm still stuck with my (former) cheating wife under the same roof, although extremely remorseful as well as determined to do everything not let me go and "save the marriage" if I may use her terminology.

The problem, at least for her, not for me, is I'm not in the game. I'm not interested in any reconciliation or "saving this marriage". I don't believe all marriages are worthy, healthy and should be automatically saved. For me, that's not an option and it's also not a "marriage"! Now, as my wife has shown her true colors and face of what she's capable, it's nothing more than just a farce. For me it looks like less a marriage but some slave market where my wife is the dealer that can trade every time and any merchandise she wants. This is not my perception of marriage and love, never was and never will be. It could be very nice and indeed on paper it sounds as perfect happy end story to reconcile, yet I understand that I can wish to reconcile so long as I want but that's a lie and it will never work! The only reason I didn’t dump her at the same day leaving the next one, is that as aforesaid, the divorce process is not immediate and right now staying at home under those conditions is somehow bearable so it's better not to react with haste and being headless. However, it has zero reflection on my decision to divorce her. For me cheating is a "one and done" thing meaning it's a deal breaker.

I am even not sure how I could benefit from posting here if I am not keen on reconciling with her, but as with most certainty and unfortunately there are more experienced people here with the cheater bullshit detector so any advice on how to avoid those honey traps pots and reconciliation traps would be highly appreciated, while I have to stay under the same roof with my (former) cheating wife until divorce is finalized. For me, it is also a kind of summery of what I've learned in those two months that I want to share here. I will describe next in broad strokes what happened, but I will only mention that although from reading my case, it seems to be a "piece of cake" in comparison to what other folks went through, for me it isn't so. Undoubtedly, this fiasco has shattered and destroyed my life as I have known so far and was indeed literally devastating for me. By the way, I didn't mention that we are both over forty; married for 15 years, have three children, two daughters and one son.

Anyway, just some two months ago, my wife has confessed to having a one night stand that happened slightly before the confession. According to her she also couldn't allegedly even finish the act so she stopped in the middle. More precisely, she stopped before intercourse as the feelings of guilt, shame and regret became too overwhelming and she began to realize how big of a mistake it was and the pain she was going to inflict on me. I don't know if to buy that bullshit, if something like this is possible and ever even actually happened in the history of affairs or she just holds me for a fool and imbecile but this is at least what she told me. Somehow, it sounds to me like one of the Arabian Nights Tales, the thousand and one Nights stories, where any connection to reality is purely coincidental. I know I could arrange a polygraph, but I see no use in doing so if I anyway am not going to reconcile with her. However, besides of intercourse they pretty did everything; seems they didn't miss anything like kissing, oral and so on – everything was all inclusive "besides the intercourse" (besides that "one small thing", no?) as if it would really make it easier for me. Anyway, after the one night stand, I must admit, she probably did everything correct "to right the wrong".

In my opinion, not only did she everything right, not only there isn't anything more that she could do, not only that some of the things she suggested to "help me" (yeah, I find that one really cynical and sarcastic) I would even decline if I would considering reconciliation, because I see them as nothing than maltreatment par excellence, but the fact is I don't give a shit about her remorse or anything she does NOW. Sorry, for me it's too little, too late. As the saying goes, "think before you act"; I firmly believe in that motto. Hence, I'm not going to forgive and reconcile with her, so the fact that she had or didn't have the intercourse is absolutely and utterly irrelevant for me for that purpose. She WAS PHYSICALY intimate with another man, so it's over. It's done and I'm gone (once the divorce is finalized) and all issues are settled. Actions have consequences and letting someone escape without the consequences is only encouraging them to continue their notorious behavior and condition them for more and more obnoxious and more and more abusive ways. So, am I too harsh with her? Me, at least, I don't think so. Yet, I was indeed told to many times recently that I was too harsh!

Right now, I think that after two months (and even shortly after DDAY) she's really showing nothing but true remorse and truly regrets her actions. I'm not sure it was really so from the beginning but at least a few weeks into seeing the impact of the devastation she caused to me by her actions brought her in my mind to that place. This goes along with the fact that since after the ONS she's also done practically everything right - by the book, I must add. I mean all that stuff like not only going almost immediately NC with the AP, practically in the next days following the ONS, but also cutting all of her female friends and the outer social circles that were somehow involved, contributed or may have been involved with the AP himself (that's a long story). She also didn't shift the blame nor tried to gas light me and gave immediately any notion and privacy to become completely open and transparent to me. I really mentioned a few of the things, but the point is clear, she indeed tried and tries to do everything from her side and fights for the marriage. That everything is very nice and indeed feels very good, I really mean it, although it's interesting how this everything with cheaters becomes so clear after their betrayals but never before.

Yet, for me even if she's sorry and remorseful (and at least right now it seems to be so) I still do not owe her a second chance and reconciliation. She can cry, beg, plead, crawl at my feet (I don't need it) and do whatever and as long as she wants but that is not going to happen. Yes, I am not ashamed to say that I definitely feel entitled to have my morals not broken and my deal breakers intact. I think this one is very hard for cheaters to grasp, namely the idea of boundaries and their enforcement. Yet, I do believe in that and won't sacrifice it. In my opinion, like all cheaters what she truly wishes is a made-up and a deceitful equivalency. She should be forgiven, because probably all of us folks make mistakes (she didn't say this but this is how cheaters usually think so I guess that my wife probably does this too). She wants now so badly to reconcile and make it up to me and I'll be the bad guy if I don’t grant that to her. I must add it could be also a very clever, sophisticated and extremely twisted version of the damsel in distress phenomenon and the evil guy syndrome she maybe wants to play with me now so that she can get and manipulate me at the end of the process exactly into the position she wishes to see me in - namely reconciliation. So this is how remorse should look like? How, she should be really sorry? Well, the divorce will tell us this.

Ah and of course on top of that, what would be her consequences once she would be forgiven. Walking around with that big smile spread all over her face and being delightful over my forgiveness and her good life while I will still have to occasionally eat the shit sandwich she fed me up to my grave! Do her consequences will sum up in the need to do the great show in the theater of remorse and repentance for a while (even if that show is really great and genuine) until everything was said and done while I will not be allowed anymore to ever mentioned my pain and what happened so that in the bottom line I will have to stuck with my pain alone and forever because otherwise it would be unfair and "hurting" her "to bring the affair after all that time"? Anyway, the thing is that her remorse makes me sick and angry at times. I sometimes feel like vomiting from all that "remorse". Wow, now she's remorseful! Now!? Instead of remorse afterwards, she should have had some morals first hand, so no remorse is needed at the end. That would've solved many of our current problems!

Under those terms, circumstances and conditions, for me reconciliation doesn't seem to be a valid and a self-respecting option. For me, it's nothing but being a wimp; a boneless and selfless rag to sweep the floor and clean the shoes on. For me to reconcile with a cheating wife is plain and simple losing my face. The thing is and I'm not going into the details of it as my post is already very long that for me this betrayal goes far beyond the sexual aspects of it as what I did and stood at the side of this woman is indescribable. Even her own relatives and family where not there for her as I was! Anyhow, the way I see it is that the more confident, the more self-aware and the more respecting people are inclined to consider and look at themselves, the more the perceptive dissonance arising in our minds trough such a self-deception is too much inclined to appear as betraying your own ethics, your own basic moralities and your whole world as well as being in fact apt to leave an everlasting and disgustingly repulsive scar all over your face that you will be sickened to look at each morning in the mirror. Just because by lying, rug sweeping, self-denial, self-deception and escapism reconciliation can be achieved and technically "successful", it doesn't mean this reconciliation or "success" is worth it. Not everything that can be pursued is worth having and acquiring it. Sometime success is a great feat or simply ends in a monumental defeat and sometime a monumental defeat ends in an even greater success or victory. I highly doubt that someone with such self-awareness, as described above, will be ever at peace with this type of mambo jumbo reconciliation.

I know people are diverse, I can't deny it; I get it. Yet, I also can't help myself but seeing this diversity or better said great parts of that diversity in some ways as being a behavior, trait or properties of a persona that makes it easier for such people to bent reality, to renovate the truth, to deny the facts, to suppress experience, to rug sweep the evidences and finally practice an incredible mental Gymnastics (which otherwise is simply unnecessary) to further "move on", which for me means either completely lying to oneself or just settle for something less good than one actually deserves. The paramount extent of second, third or I don't know how many ddays and chances granted to the cheaters after all of the descriptions of those extremely "successful" reconciliations only prove in my mind the accuracy of my statements or assumptions. So, I wouldn't oversimplify and claim there are no "successful" reconciliations of marriages suffering from infidelity as standing oppose to other marital problems that are both worth and can be reconciled, but I do think that even what most folks understand and consider as "successful" still do not meet my criteria for reconciliation. I also would not claim that trying to reconcile is pathetic or something like that but in my opinion it is not conducive to true happiness, as I see it, and for me this type of happiness meets once again totally different criteria than that what commonly is described by average folks as happiness. Ultimately, it is really a matter of fact of whether someone can or cannot accept his SO for whom or what he or she really is: the cheater, the liar, the betrayer! Our persona is not something we can truly change – that's impossible. I'm sorry but the cheating can't be undone so while she cheated and me not on her I will never be able to rug sweep and thus also to see, to accept and to pretend she is still my equal. I haven't cheated on her and her done this to me means equality is gone out of the window forever. I can't fathom how I could live with a woman that I'm not able to see and perceive as my equal in any and every regard or aspect. How simple, how true!

If anything, the horror I'm going through has really opened my eyes, so those are the types of a persona that are able to abuse their loved ones with such an atrocious type of evil. I previously really believed that we all could make this type, of how cheaters call it, "mistakes". Yet now I know it isn't so. It takes a special kind of a malevolent human being to be able to ruin your loved one's life, endanger their mental health as well as maybe their future as a whole and break their homes and families. Today, I also understand it's not a mistake or a "poor" choice; that's cheater think 101! By not giving a shit on the possible outcome and consequences to your loved ones, not only to your SO but also the extended family including your own children, it is at least a conscious act of evil. From spending the time since dday reading and researching, I'm simply astonished about the similarities all those cheating stories show. It always contains an extremely hedonistic partner who could excuse any kind of evil behavior on his part. Now, I'm not only learning to watch for those "rationalization masters" in romantic relationships, but as for myself am actually thinking about giving up completely on love and relationships because they probably do not exist. If she was capable of doing this, I can't trust any woman that she wouldn't be able too, although rationally I definitely know and understand that not all women are like that. The problem is that the abyss created by her cheating between my mind and heart seems unsurpassable.

Even now, at a certain level, I'm sure my wife is minimizing her actions by misusing and manipulating even her true and remorse. I suppose that in her mind, what happened is not that terrible after all because, hey, now she feels disgusted about everything and even maybe because she was feeling disgusted even during the act itself. So, not her disgusting behavior prior to her stopping during the ONS is what counts, but allegedly that she stopped before the intercourse, that what’s important. Well, how lovely! As all cheaters who believe that they are still those wonderful and delightful creatures, my wife probably believes too that she's still such a wonderful persona and a woman, because a really terrible person and a woman wouldn't feel as bad as she does and did (during the ONS). This rationalization of evil is really, really, a depressing and daunting cycle that never ends. The bottom line to this is that even if she would never cheat on me again it's probably because she wouldn't have the right conditions but not because she wouldn't do this to me anymore. Simply staying with such a person for just being able to pretend of how much of a successful reconciliation it was and being willing to accept this kind of person in my life is beyond my mind and I'm not going to do this. I am more worth than living with someone who hasn't cheated on me again just because the conditions were not right.

I also think that part of me staying firm in my resistance to any kind of reconciliation with a cheater and enforcing my boundaries is that I'm not afraid and am not willing to accept a neurotic barter deal where I accept my former cheating wife for allegedly not being able to be "alone" as well as understanding that "being alone" is nothing more than a word manipulation, we use when we are afraid to confront our fears, is what is helping me at the end stay on course and focus. Even, if I chose to give up on any kind of relationship and "love" I will not be really "alone". I have really a lot of things to do and to accomplish, both by contributing to my-self as well as society, up to the point that I would even not have enough time as a single for everything to be accomplished. I can only win, it's a win-win situation for me; my wife is going to lose a lot; she even admits it, but that's her problem not mine. I did not cause her to cheat and lose everything.

Additionally and as I have read in some professional publications and actually must also agree on that, infidelity is nothing more than spousal abuse. So, we deal here not only with infidelity but an intimate betrayal that similar to a butterfly effect goes far beyond ruining in fact every aspect of your life not only the romantic side of it. A person who cheated on you and have crossed that boundary will be able to abuse and betray you in any other aspect of life, even if in his specific case the conditions for another sexual betrayal to wit is infidelity will not be present. Those people have shown that nothing but nothing will stop them from achieving their selfish and hedonistic desires; not their spouse, not their children, not their families – simply nothing. They have shown that to satisfy that hedonism they are willing to go and step on dead bodies. It is really, really, rare that a cheater can truly transform him or her. Very rare! It's almost like surpassing the unsurpassable! This time my wife didn't go so far, yet still crossing that boundary she has proven that she is able to do it next time. It's only the conditions that must be right, but for me as I said a life with some who don't cheat because he was not afforded the right conditions but not out of a genuine care for me is not worth living with. To sum it up: so sure, there are successful reconciliations. However, that doesn't mean they are worth it and I'm not willing subject to any further possible abuse by her.

Anyway, my plans right now are

1.Preparing the divorce: I've already met with the lawyers and am going to apply for divorce

2.In the meantime I'm working on all other aspects like financial stuff and others

3.Once, divorce is final my plan is to go NC (no contact) with her. I know it's not completely possible because we have children and I am not going to abandon them; I have and will co parent with her; Yet, I'll try to minimize any contact with her even to the point that I consider to give her more than her fifty percent in everything, meet different legal arrangements and so on so that I don't have to endure her face or at least endure it the least as I have to

4.I have also decided to spend some to in solitude after the divorce so that I can detox myself from her. I don't call it love anymore at this state but an addiction. Most probably I'm going to travel abroad and spend quality time with myself

5.I am planning to go to IC to find out and explore if there are any FOO issues that may have contributed to me having involved myself with a cheater. This will help me not to break and falling into those honey pots and reconciliation traps. Altogether with my spiritual practice I think it will also be a great help for me if I decided to give up on any relationships and stay completely by my own.

I apologize for the length, but it was the first time I let it out, which was somehow freeing in itself. Thank you for listening

So... welcome! Thanks for sharing. You've been heard. It's hard sometimes just to admit these things happened. It takes strength to do that.

You picked the best place on SI to start your story. You can always move to other forums as you need depending on what you are looking for.

So, regardless of whether you are R or D, there are some basic mental health things that will help you recover from the emotional fallout of infidelity:

Journaling

Avoiding alcohol (at all costs)

Besides mental health bonuses, there are also great gains to be had on the divorce front by doing these three things as well.

You're likely going to get some real good advice on a whole lot of things, and like any forum just take what you can use and leave the rest. We're really good here at helping folks process the emotional fallout of infidelity. If you haven't already, please check out the healing library in the top left corner.

It's okay if her actions are a dealbreaker. I've said on here regularly that infidelity is always a dealbreaker, it just follows that the question becomes 'do you want to make a new deal or do you want to do the followup paperwork to make the break official?' So you've already decided on D, and that makes a lot of sense. If she really wants to R, she can do it after D, right?

You've written a lot, but it all sounds emotionally level. When I found out I was a puddle on the floor for several months. Not my proudest moments but an honest one. I just wanted to say that is normal. So if you do feel that, you aren't alone.

You sound like you have a lot going on, and you have already developed a plan. So how can we help?

I'm Gone:

Wow, your post is so raw, so angry; I remember that feeling well. There is nothing wrong with deciding that infidelity is a deal breaker for you. That is totally your decision and you will get nothing but support from me for taking a stand in your own life. I remember feeling that I had no control over what was happening. In some ways that was true that I couldn't control my husband's actions or those of the hot little mess that wouldn't go quietly into the night. SI let me see that I had more control than I thought. After you find out the truth (or at least some of it), you start to see that you are in a place of power. You choose how your life continues.

I smirked a little when you mentioned how prior to her ONS you believed you could forgive but once it happened to you, you knew you couldn't. If you had asked my younger self, she would have told you that cheating was a definite deal breaker. Many days I was surprised to still find myself in the marriage.

I am a planner; aside from the hurt I was experiencing the worst part for me was the constant indecision. I can't tell you how many days I started to pack my bags only to put everything back again. I changed all my beneficiary information, I opened my own checking account and credit cards. I redid my will and took all my important papers to my mother's house. I didn't know WTF was wrong with me; how could I not decide what to do with my life. Why the constant battle, day in and day out? After six months of this, I finally had to decide that I was in no shape to make this decision and that as long as he was NC and treating me kindly, I would wait one year to see how I felt.

I am in no way suggesting that you do this. I wish I had felt as certain as you do, one way or another, instead of the constant back and forth. In fact, you might be doing your wife and children a favor by knowing exactly how you want to handle this and just doing it.

I'm sure you are worried about your children and the financial drain a divorce will entail. I'm guessing that is why you had to get all of this stuff out and written down. Almost like you are giving yourself permission to do what you feel in your gut you must do.

It's ok; this shit is not easy. Do what you need to do. There are many here in the Divorce Forum that will help you through the process. Don't let anyone tell you that a ONS without intercourse is any less painful than any other affair. Betrayal is betrayal. It all hurts.

Wow. Betrayed spouse here...

I am very impressed by all the reading and research that you have done and included in your post. I can go further in saying that I am very impressed at the confidence that you have in yourself and moving forward in your life. I have not read a post like yours here on this site before although I myself am new to this site. I wonder if this is the difference between male and female when it comes to infidelity issues within relationships. I am sorry that she did that to you and I wish you all the luck and love in this world.

OMG.... a BS that makes me feel normal!

We have many thoughts in common about WW, and since i have vary little time to write what i think, i will only say that you got all my respect.

(((ImGoneByTheDown)))

I never thought I could reconcile if someone cheated on me. I gave it a try. Twice actually. If my STBXW would have tried, who knows what would have happened.

You seem like you have your mind made up. I don't know the situation you're in. I have two kids with her and they are always on my mind. Much easier to just pack up and go without kids.

I would just caution about the anger. It's so, so easy to let it take over only to get smacked in the face later on. I'm only a month further into this than you, but I am divorcing, moving, etc, and it is emotional. Sometimes the anger wins. Sometimes I'm hit with something that makes me sad. Other times, I'm happy as hell.

Crazy making shit, but as long as you have a plan and you are confident that it is the right thing for you, then do it.

Look up SpaceGhost0007 if you want to read something similar to yours.

BS ONLY.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:28 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

Just want to say you are not alone. My XWH was also remorseful. He begged me to stay in the M. My story is a little different in that he had multiple OWs, one was long term, and I'm still learning about other attempts with friends in the past.. But, he insisted that he loooved me and the others meant nothing to him. Anyway, it was very painful for me to kick him out and file for D after 24 years of M. My life would have been easier in so many ways if I had been able to sweep it under the rug, as many people do. I knew I had to be a good example for my kids. I knew I had to dig deep and get the courage to move on with my life. I knew I deserved better than to stay with someone who could betray me and hurt me so cruelly. It's very hard to leave, and it takes courage. I am not judging those who feel they need to stay, for whatever reason. I know each situation is different. I'm just saying you are not alone in that the WS wants to reconcile and the BS is saying no way it's a deal breaker. Please take care of yourself and your kids.

You're a buttoned up dude. If you were one of the lucky ones who were able to make his/her decision quickly, then don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

The long threads here are generally reserved for people who are the opposite of you. "Arriving at a decision that you know is true to who you are" is basically your capstone course of the JFO experience.

I feel most horrible (and dedicate the most energy here) to those who know deep down what their decision must be, but find themselves fighting themselves every step of the way. I don't surmise that I'll be spending a lot of time in your thread, and that is a sincere compliment.

Hi ImGoneByTheDown. Sorry you have good reason to be here on SI, but you have come to the right place. Your pain is very palpable.

I'm not pro R or pro D. I'm pro whatever it takes to get out of infidelity. So infidelity is a deal breaker for you. It is for me too. I'm not here to try and talk you out of D. Your course is set and clearly explained why this is a deal breaker for you. Totally get it and don't necessarily disagree. Most importantly you are on your way out of infidelity.

More curious than anything, but I feel you don't have all of the pieces here either. As a betrayed child myself (now an adult), I wanted to know why my mother was un-remorseful and put me to be on the front line of her affairs for many years. Why did my mother cheat which lead me here to SI.

I'm going to come from a different perspective that many don't think about. You have kids so that's the angle I'm coming from. You say your WW has done everything right so far. Couple of questions on that. Why did your wife confess to you? Could she have gotten away with it, or was there an underlying set of circumstances?

Why did she cheat? Her cheating didn't have any more to do with you than it did the kids. It can be argued that in order for a ONS/Affair to happen that the WS has to be selfish and have poor boundaries in order for the A to happen in the first place. Check and check. Why does she have poor boundaries and was selfish in this manner? What is it that is broken deep inside her that allowed her to do this? This is not something that YOU can answer and only she can. She needs to dig deep and work on herself. Sometimes these answers are found after a lot of heavy lifting in IC (independent counseling). You hinted that she doesn't have a supporting family. FOO (family of origin) issues? Poor coping mechanisms in addition to the selfishness?

The reason I ask is because your WW needs to work on herself regardless if you divorce or not. Without those answers she is not a safe partner, or mother in that respect. If she doesn't fix herself and work on herself, she could do this to her kids/family again someday. You get to get out with the D. Your kids don't. Without her doing the hard work I don't think she is doing everything perfectly or as she should be. She did a good start right off the bat by the actions she took, but what actions is she taking to be a safer partner in the future?

I don't ask for you as you are clearly out and you personally don't need to know. But as a father myself with a betrayed child background, now would be a good time to use some leverage for your kids.

yop

eta - spelling, grammar, punctuation

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:05 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

wow... you've been heard I agree, no need to say you have it easy as all around betrayal sucks

only thing I will echo is since you are here is do not rush to judgment. IMO you are on a roller coaster right now and so many times it is the decisions we make "in the heat of the moment" that can cause regret once the unknowns become known at a later date

I would suggest get your kids IC. Especially if you are going to disappear on them as seems to be your plan. I get it, actions have consequences, but what did they do to deserve you gone from their life? And don't think a nightly phone call or a monthly check is a parenting substitute. I would be focused on getting those kids to not connect that if they do that one thing that really pisses you off you throw them out and that's it, forgiveness is off the table forever.

Now I am in no way saying you should reconcile. But you are dealing with then conceiving your life now after 40 and 15 years of marriage gone... so now what = what does co-parenting exactly look like? All I am saying is take time in the next year to really get that big plan in better focus. And meditate on becoming a better you, a whole you when you are detached from your anger and rage, your sadness and depression, your hopelessness, your anxiety, your emotions period. Take time to just be quiet with your self and really assess

What do you want to teach your children, your daughters and your son? Old marriage is dead - OK. Does that mean you abandon your family?

Get IC for yourself to really dig under those quick-flare judgments = you called yourself out for "being harsh", are you - then why? I am not saying to cave on healthy boundaries = betrayal destroys trust. But if you have a remorseful spouse, big if, and I hear you about concern for a false R, most often there are underlying improvements in a communication dynamic that really can benefit both parties and that is something I would think worthwhile to work to change.

Again, no question you've been handed a shit sandwich and I am not saying to really do anything other than work on stepping back and really focusing on behavior and really getting in touch with an awareness of yourself that perhaps wasn't always readily there for you.

I read a lot of assumptions in your post such as her wearing a big smile... have to tell you, her truly "getting it" will be very depressing for a very long time. There is no joy in seeing your actions cause another devastation... anyhow, I am not saying you should R.

I am saying welcome to the best club you never wanted to join and not to worry, you will still have your morals intact regardless = living authentically doesn't mean judgmentally is all

my two cents

To me, it's like if you smash a plate = that plate is gone. But if that plate is a cherished heirloom that will be passed down to succeeding generations = go kintsugi and re-shape it / transform it.

one day at a time - this is a marathon

pace yourself

don't forget to breathe

Hey GoneBy,

Sorry you're here, man.

You should not feel bad if you decide that this is a deal breaker for you. It was for me.

At first, I was so shocked, my immediate reaction was to save my family... but when I asked her if she wanted to save our family and she hesitated I realized the same thing as you have... this is a deal breaker for me.

I wen't from DDay to divorced in 10 months, with her begging and blubbering all along the way. No shame for me.

SpaceGhost did it too.

http://www.aww.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

Fooled13years found it was a deal breaker too.

http://www.ijxngvp.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=567901

Hang on brother. It really is a roller coaster of emotions, but YOU call the shots here.

If you want to offer her the gift of Reconciliation (R) later, you can. Even after divorce. The hey here is that YOU make the decisions about what's left of your marriage. She gave up her rights.

Keep posting here, it really does help. My advice is to keep posting on this thread for a while so we can follow along and help you as best we can. When and if divorce proceedings begin, maybe you will switch to the Divorce/Separation forum.

Also, feel free to drop by the Betrayed Menz thread in the I Can Relate forum.

Hang in there, man, and keep posting. We're here and we know EXACTLY how you feel.

Welcome to SI, ImGone. Sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did.

I respect that you know that your WW's infidelity is a dealbreaker for you. A lot of us believed it would be a dealbreaker for us, also, until we actually found ourselves in the situation.

You will get a lot of support here at SI. We want everyone to not only survive infidelity but to thrive. The Divorce/Separation forum have a lot of people who have BTDT and can support, guide and advise you as you move forward through this.

I will take exception to your perspective on reconciliation, however. I totally respect people who want to divorce and know that it is a dealbreaker for them, but I don't care for the negativity given those who reconcile.

Anyhow, the way I see it is that the more confident, the more self-aware and the more respecting people are inclined to consider and look at themselves, the more the perceptive dissonance arising in our minds trough such a self-deception is too much inclined to appear as betraying your own ethics, your own basic moralities and your whole world as well as being in fact apt to leave an everlasting and disgustingly repulsive scar all over your face that you will be sickened to look at each morning in the mirror. Just because by lying, rug sweeping, self-denial, self-deception and escapism reconciliation can be achieved and technically "successful", it doesn't mean this reconciliation or "success" is worth it.

No, we are not lying, rug sweeping, in denial or deceiving ourselves and using escapism. That is very dismissive of all the hard work that many couples do to achieve a successful reconciliation. You also don't have to be condescending to those who are able to reconcile to validate your choice to divorce. Saying we aren't confident, not self aware, and that we are betraying our own ethics and morals is just, well, rude.

I know people are diverse, I can't deny it; I get it. Yet, I also can't help myself but seeing this diversity or better said great parts of that diversity in some ways as being a behavior, trait or properties of a persona that makes it easier for such people to bent reality, to renovate the truth, to deny the facts, to suppress experience, to rug sweep the evidences and finally practice an incredible mental Gymnastics (which otherwise is simply unnecessary) to further "move on", which for me means either completely lying to oneself or just settle for something less good than one actually deserves.

Again, I am not bending reality, renovating the truth, rug sweeping, denying facts or practicing mental gymnastics. This I feel is disrespectful to those of us who have chosen to reconcile. I can understand how reconciliation isn't for you, but I don't know how you can possibly know, and make such sweeping remarks, on those who do reconcile and on reconciliation itself. I also understand that you are in a lot of pain and angry, so I do know that maybe a lot of this is coming from there.

It is really, really, rare that a cheater can truly transform him or her. Very rare! It's almost like surpassing the unsurpassable!

This is disrespectful to all the WS's here who have done the hard work to make sure they don't make those kind of choices again. Again, I do understand that you are pretty raw right now and that is how you see things right now. People can be redeemed and people can change. I am not trying to change your mind to give reconciliation a chance. From what you have stated, I don't feel you have in it you to reconcile, you would be forcing yourself and with that kind of attitude it wouldn't be successful. Divorce is what one should expect when you chose to betray your spouse.

While I totally respect your choice to divorce, I don't feel you need to disrespect those who chose to reconcile. If you were just explaining how reconciliation wasn't for you, fine, but you made some sweeping generalizations about those who chose reconciliation and about reconciliation itself.

I feel your 5 step plan is a good one. In regards to #3, a lot of people here minimize contact with their ex's by doing everything by e-mail or by a shared planner online. They can explain that to you in the Divorce/Separation forum.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:24 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

ImGone

There is absolutely nothing wrong with divorcing your wife.

Every person has their deal breakers.

Every person has the power to forgive.

Every BS has the right to attempt to Reconcile or choose Divorce.

Take the time to think it through. Take the time to let your emotions calm down.

Make a decision from the brain not from your heart.

Take the time you need to heal but no matter what love your kids because they are stuck in the middle of the mess their Mom made.

You just get to clean it up.....

Good Luck and keep posting.

I am glad that your wife came clean immediately and is remorseful.

You know what you need to do so think it through and do it!

HM

Hi "Imgone"

Sorry to what your are going though.

This is the place to vent your feelings, your hurts, and boy did you vent!! I can feel the anger and hurt behind every word. I am right there with you, is sucks!!!

Sound like your from like Canada or UK to where you have to wait. I believe they do that to have, like yourself some time to settle down, let the steam escape and then have some time to rationalize what you want to do after the long waiting period.

Questions..............

This was brought up before.... Why did she tell you?

One night stand from being at a bar? A co-worker?

A "Friend"? or an ex?

Did she ever come to you before the A to talk with you about her feelings?

Sorry you are here but glad you took the opportunity to let it all out.

Sounds like you have a solid plan. You're right, you don't have to settle and live your life with a cheater, you don't have to R and you don't have to forgive.

You have tremendous strength which is something to be admired.

I also think that recognizing that you need IC is important but not because you need fixing, I doubt you made any poor choices that lead to your ww's infidelity, but to help you cope with the anger and betrayal. You are the most important person right now and you need to take the steps to heal.

I'll leave it at that as I feel rather silly posting in your thread. Your post is so strong that I feel I have benefitted more from you.

Good luck to you and your children.

{{{Hugs}}}

Much like I felt when following Spaceghost's thread: envious of your clarity.

I wish you and your children the best.

I'm sorry your W did this to you. I don't disagree that your M is over and that your choice is to end it with a D. You sound like you know your own mind and that will help you through the process.

I am only weighing in to ask you to give a lot of thought to the effect your plan will have on your kids. Kids can live through D. No doubt. But your plan to "vanish" and go off on your own for awhile concerns me. I know that self-care is important, but you are also the father of 3 children who look to you as their foundation and role model.

This change in their family structure will be life-altering for them. They need, above all else, to know that both parents still love them and will never abandon them. If you simply "poof" for awhile, they will take it personally (kids are very self-focused that way) and think that they contributed to your leaving. They will feel easily discarded. They will likely have "abandonment" issues in their future.

I know you are hurting. I just want you to consider your children's pain in this process as well and make sure you do whatever you can to co-parent in a way that is most beneficial for their well-being. A healthy D situation where the parents can interact civilly and in the best interest of the children would be the best outcome for them.

Please take care of yourself. This is a long and difficult rollercoaster. I wish you peace.

Thank you for your post. Like others, I believe that the choice of whether to R or D is entirely yours. Infidelity can be a deal breaker and you don't owe anyone a second chance.

But I would like to give you some things to think about. Honestly, I'm not sure there is a point to this because you seem to be someone who is not especially open to other ways of thinking, but here goes:

It is really, really, rare that a cheater can truly transform him or her. Very rare! It's almost like surpassing the unsurpassable!

Nope. No one has solid evidence on this. Not you and not me. And if you are looking to SI boards to find out patterns and percentages, you are probably looking in exactly the wrong place. The selection bias here is likely extreme. For example, what percentage of BSs whose WS never cheats again return here to update? Maybe some. What percentage whose WS cheats again returns here to update? A lot!

Under those terms, circumstances and conditions, for me reconciliation doesn't seem to be a valid and a self-respecting option. For me, it's nothing but being a wimp; a boneless and selfless rag to sweep the floor and clean the shoes on. For me to reconcile with a cheating wife is plain and simple losing my face.

This is at odds with the last couple thousand years of philosophical thought. The path of forgiveness and reconciliation is--by far--the harder and braver path. It is much easier to walk away. It is much easier to never risk again.

It takes a special kind of a malevolent human being to be able to ruin your loved one's life, endanger their mental health as well as maybe their future as a whole and break their homes and families.

I see this a lot on these boards and, frankly, I think it is bullshit. We have all betrayed our spouses in ways large and small. I think that all or nearly all of us are capable of infidelity. I'd like to write more about this as I know it will be a controversial position, but I'm running out of time...

I guess just a few more thoughts:

- Good people can do bad things. This is simply a fact. A refusal to acknowledge it doesn't make it less true.

- Have you ever done something wrong? If you were remorseful, how would you want to be treated?

Let me be clear: as a fellow BH, my sympathy for you is enormous. This has been the worst experience of my life. But you have thoughts and beliefs that seem incompatible with a happy life whether you D or not.

I wish you peace and strength.

But you have thoughts and beliefs that seem incompatible with a happy life whether you D or not.

Oh quit pushing your beliefs on others.

Not wanting a spouse who has cheated on him doesn't mean that he's destined for a life of unhappiness.

Plenty of people have separated and gone on to find love and have led very fulfilling lives with people that they had a better connection with, have decided they'd be happier alone or done, well, whatever.