SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unhinged

As your post is more serious than the sensless attacks I have experienced by some posters I will take some time to seriously respond to it. I have not the time to answer this right now but will do it later.

Although it hasn't changed my mind on divorce and the inability to reconcile a marriage after infidelity, you gave some good points to think about. I will explain it to you later why when I have more time to write my response

[This message edited by ImGoneByTheDown at 1:34 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

"...your response actually may have proven that this place is maybe not what it claims, to support everyone but actually to push poeple into reconciliation. So, yes I was suspecting this and if this is the case than maybe I should stop posting here because I won't get the support, tolerance, understanding and many more."

This site is dedicated to helping betrayed Spouses survive infidelity in a healthful-wholesome manner. There are only two ways to truly survive infidelity.

1). Reconcile with a truly remorseful WS with MC & IC.

2). Divorce followed by IC for both parties.

The path you chose is entirely up to you. The path you choose is not necessarily a one-way street. There is no point of no return.

This site's main premise is to help you control damage and prevent further harm to you and your family, no matter what path you take. The path you decide is an extremely personal decision-a decision that doesn't have to be made in a vacuum. You will hear opinions from one extreme to the other across the spectrum. Only you will know what is right for your particular situation, for your particular sensibilities. Listening to everyone will give you balance. Everyone here has your best interests at heart. These people here are probably the only ones in your life who will truly understand what you are going through.

not so long ago i got some intense heat on this site.

a man's wife had cheated on him. it wasnt long after d-day. he was determined to reconcile at all costs. his wife wasnt even remorseful.

i told him it was a huge mistake to make uo his mind immediately. to think about it. he was in the eye of the storm and making life choices. i said r or d might be possible, both were ok paths for him, but that deciding something so important should get a little deeper thought over a longer period of time, and that no life altering decisions should be made for at least 6 months (better 1 year).

id suggest the same for you. there is no pressure to do it "today". take your time, no rushed decisions.

i dont think anyone is opposed to your choice. i think many are just saying to slow down and dont compound the tragedy.

It doesn't matter if ImGoneByTheDown see's R the same as other's. If divorce is what he needs, then that's what he needs. Remember Spaceghost007 and Timetoreact felt the same way. Everybody is different, and their needs are different. Sure, right now he is upset. Who wouldn't be? But the continual R talk is making him feel attacked. If divorce is what he need's then that's fine. Just because he divorces doesn't mean that there couldn't possibly be an R later down the road. ImGoneByTheDown, do what you feel is right. If you want to divorce that's fine, if you change your mind in a little while and want to R that's ok also. Either way we will support you. I am sorry you feel attacked. This site has been great for me and I think it can be for you also. Stay strong brother, and I'm sorry for all the turmoil in your life right now.

ImGone, I'm sorry some posters have chosen to respond to you in a manner that is not supportive of what you came here for. You may want to head on over to Divorce/Separation or I Can Relate ~ Betrayed Menz thread. Infidelity is a shitty experience to live through. Please make sure you are taking care of YOU ~ staying hydrated, eating, sleeping, etc. Find support through SI, IRL family and friends, and/or counseling.

To those who are suggesting/hinting at R or suggesting/hinting at waiting "x" amount of months, why is this said to a BS and not the WS that leaves for his/her AP? Because we all know that it takes both partners to have a marraige. If either spouse (BS or WS) is not interested in working on the marriage, isn't it our responsibility to support our fellow SI'ers where they are at? I know the majority of us have the right intentions but we must "listen" to what the OP is telling us because their post is about THEM, not us.

Your post makes me bitterly angry.

Not because I disagree with anything you're saying - but because you're typing with such clarity. I wish I could have been so clear and made such a quick decision.

Sorry you had to be here, but I'm glad you found the place. Stay strong, brother - we're here if you need us.

-FS

Dear Im gone.

This has been an interesting thread to say the least. There is a lot of help and support on these boards for you to heal your own pain. Having read these posts, that is the priority for you.

3 days after my D-day a friend of mine (who runs a holistic center, that does meditation classes, yoga and retreats) - sent me an essay on forgiveness. (out of the blue, I hadn't heard from him in 6 months and I certainly had not shared with the outside world our problems)

It started with the quote from Lewes B Smedes

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.

The essay that he sent me was more about allowing yourself to heal, to not hold ono your anger, so it doesn't start to define who you are. It won't happen overnight, and it will take time for the anger, and all the other emotions to release, but you will become whole again. In this context forgiveness does not mean restoring the relationship, rather than allowing the toxic emotions inside you to heal.

I've pasted what was sent to me below.

This is often a tough one for people, but holding on to resentment, old stories and anger will only make you sick, and it’s the worst kind of sickness, too. It’s the kind that depletes your energy and blocks your ability to love as fully and deeply as you could. It’s the kind that has a grip on you, that sometimes makes it hard to breathe. The uncomfortable truth is that you’re the one holding on, if you’re full of resentment and pain over something in your past.

Sometimes people feel if they forgive it’s like saying whatever happened is okay, but that isn’t true. There’s some desire to keep score, to hold that tally card and make sure it’s marked correctly, in permanent ink. But nothing in this life is forever, and nothing is certain, either. Forgiving people and eventually wishing them well is not the same as saying whatever happened is okay with you. It just means your commitment to your own peace and happiness is greater than your determination to file away another person’s transgression in the library of your soul. In order to keep those feelings of anger or pain alive, you have to feed them, you have to stoke the flame every so often. Retell the story to a new friend, or re-boil yourself over it on a dark day. It takes a lot of energy to carry heavy stories around with you everywhere.

If you get more interested in your own healing, you won’t want to tell that old story anymore, or keep it alive in your heart.Forgiving someone means you are unhooking your journey from theirs. You are saying, in effect, that you are not letting your past dictate your future, you are not going to drag old feelings into new situations, you are not going to allow yourself to be defined by things that have happened to you. You are taking responsibility for your own happiness.

And that unhooking is also a detaching. I don’t believe it’s possible to detach without doing the work to heal first, without leaning into your pain and acknowledging it, without having compassion for yourself. But when you’ve given yourself the time, space and respect to move through all those feelings, I believe you can let it go.

Liberate yourself. Open yourself up to new stories, new experiences with more knowledge and understanding about yourself. And when you detach and remove the charge from the situation, there’s really no reason not to wish someone well, to hope that they’ll heal. I fully realize this is where the “we are all one” conversation becomes extraordinarily challenging. But if you really believe that, as I do, then you have to want everyone to heal – to grow, to open, to move toward love. Because the more healed and loving people we have walking around on this planet, the better it is for everyone.

Commit to your own well-being. Take charge of your story and start to co-create it in a way that feels good to you. Forgive life if you need to, with the understanding that is isn’t fair, and that sometimes unbelievably painful losses fall upon the best people. The ride of life does not take place on a level field, after all.

Become more interested in your own potential to feel the limitless love you have within you. Don’t let anyone or anything rob you of that; that’s your light. People will do and say all kinds of incomprehensible things in this life, the work is to see the pain beneath their words or actions. That doesn’t mean you have to want to hang out with them. It just means you take your power back, because life is short. I don’t believe there’s any time to make yourself sick with resentment.

There’s controversy over the origin of this quote, but it’s a good one, whoever said it: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Don’t burn yourself anymore if you have been. Love yourself. Heal yourself. Free yourself. And shine. - Ally Hamilton

YearsOfPain25

Thanks for your post. It was very helpful and opened my eyes to aspects I did not consider before. You mentioned the need of my wife to work on her-self for the sake of the children. Right now, this is what happening. However, I have no control of what happens when we are divorce; I can't make any claims or tell her what to do.

Some poster wrongly stated her that divorcing instead of reconciling is avoiding risks and uncertainty. Wrong, a person who divorce undergoes immense risks as well as uncertainty. The only thing we avoid is a proven cheater and us adding un-necessary and spin off uncertainty to a world and reality that is uncertain anyway. As a man the risks are huge:

1. Being potentially alienated from your children

2. Serving as ATM while having little or no contact with the children

3. Financial loss

4. False claim of domestic violence and many more

I've researched it, it is unbelievable what men have to endure (women too)

So, this is another thing that can be very problematic. Any idea how to handle this best? It would be really appreciated

You asked me why she confessed. Her version, she didn't want to lie and the guilt. In my opinion it was a combination of this as well as the fear of getting caught

You asked me why she cheated. I have an assumption over this. Yet, it's unimportant; she must find it out, yet me not wanting to reconcile is putting me on the position to insist on it. Maybe, I'm wrong! I would like to hear your opinion

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert. I wouldn't even pretend on tv. There are no right or wrong answers to this stuff. Just decisions and choices. That said, when I started posting my story here on SI from the angle of a betrayed child, I did have a few parents (both BS and WS) reach out to me. Some I have become friends with, some very good friends, others I never heard from again and do not know how their situations played out in the end.

That said, I can tell you what has worked best for some other families in all stages S, D, or R. Believe it or not, reconciliation on the parenting level. I'm not talking about the relationship, but certainly reconciling as a family and coming to terms with whatever happened on a parenting level. Depending on the age of your kids, one of the things that has worked best to help the kids adjust is getting them into IC (independent counseling). A child psychologist can not only help the kids, but also help you both as parents on some things of what to do and what not to do. Older teens and young adults can be a bit trickier if they don't want to go to IC.

Then there's the decision to let your kids know why you are divorcing. That is a very personal issue and people can go either way on this one. Maybe your kids are too young to know and understand, maybe you have teens that already know. Again no right or wrong answer here, but start thinking about what they should and shouldn't know in the future. Of course no details and always age appropriate.

Some other points that you should come together as parents on are respecting one another in front of the kids. No she's a piece of shit because she cheated and no he's an asshole because he won't listen and reconcile the relationship. You have to talk open, honestly, and candidly with each other about what to do with the kids. They are looking for stability and you can at least give them that together in the parenting area. That also means backing each other up. For example, because I knew of my mother's A and was the one to find out, break the news, etc, I was really fucking pissed off at my mother. I became very disrespectful. Was telling my mother to fuck off, not listening to her, etc. One of the things that I appreciated about my father is that he put the smack down on me pretty quickly with that. He would not allow me to disrespect my mother, even if she did deserve it. Even if you hate each other, which it doesn't sound like you hate your WW, then respect each other in the parenting area and come together on it vs. apart. THOSE parents, IMHO, had the kids that transitioned the easiest. It's not easy and in fact down right impossible at times, but reconciling as parents for the kids, regardless of where you're at with everything else CAN be done.

Start having meetings about the kids while you are still in the same house together and get a lot of the ground rules down. Someone will be out of the house soon once the D is in place so take advantage now. Start getting a visitation schedule in place. Work out as much of that as you can at home so that it doesn't have to be done in court. Work out who gets which holidays, etc. I'm assuming your are pushing for 50/50 custody with the D? Better start to work all of that out now.

Unless your wife is NPD or down right hostile than a lot of that goes out the window but you can still try and reach her. With an NPD like my mother there is no reaching them on any level.

Her version, she didn't want to lie and the guilt. In my opinion it was a combination of this as well as the fear of getting caught

IMHO this shows that she has some character to work with. Vs. completely lying and trying to alienate you. So turns towards your WW on the kids vs. cutting her out and possibly trying to run the show yourself, or letting her run the show. There may be some character to work with here.

yet me not wanting to reconcile is putting me on the position to insist on it. Maybe, I'm wrong! I would like to hear your opinion

You're right in that there is not much you can do here, but you can try. You can let her know that since your relationship is over that you don't have the right to get her to work on herself, but that you are concerned about this happening to the kids again in a future relationship that she may have. And that's why it should be important that she get to her why's. Not for you but for her own well being as well as the kids. Which would be a good segue into a conversation about future relationships and how you would want partner's introduced to the kids. You both should agree that the kids need stability and should be very careful about introducing your new SO's to the kids. These conversations should happen sooner rather than later and not left open for interpretation later when situations suddenly present themselves. Your WW doing this to the kids again is disconcerting and you should discuss that's one of the reasons why she should get to her "whys".

On a side note, I agree with the others in that there is no rush to go full steam ahead. Not trying to talk you out of it, but you are rather new to infidelity and there are a lot of repercussions that are going to present themselves along the way, such as what I mentioned with the kids above. Not trying to talk you out of a course of action. Just saying sometimes it's best to stop and re-evaluate the battle field before running through and stepping on a mine. So take a deep breath, stick around here for a while. Keep reading and keep posting. You have some very heavy hitter SI vets here trying to help you. I have learned an immense amount about infidelity from them. Like I said, there are no right and wrong answers. Only choices. Educate yourself here as much as possible so you can make educated decisions.

yop

Unhinged,

I have some questions, some statements to your posting.

"Imgone",

I like yourself did not fold, did not change my thinking to what I wanted to do and what I needed to do.

Wife screwing some guy and comes home to me and she has unprotected sex? WTF!!

She states that he is maybe Her "Soulmate" to others on the phone.

Has sex in our bed while I am at work.

She tries to sway the kids to think that their new dad will be him and I am to the garbage dump.

I could go on.

To all the trash "Imgone" for his beliefs and true morals, shame on you for your Book burning statements.

He came here very much hurt and upset!! If you can not tell by his writings.

This is the right way "Imgone" we take vows, there are boundaries drawn.

We now are adults and there is no more time for games and back stabbing.

She broke the golden rule and now the marriage is over. She did this not him. She put more effort into the cheating then into the marriage. If she would have just said before the cheating. I'm not happy we need to divorce, then their could have been strong respect, but for cheating, no way!! Cheating is the deal breaker, period.

Get back together to what? Have her cheat better? Have her keep on going back to OM? He will always be in her horny heart and in her mind even if she comes back to the husband. I would never want the feeling. she wants someone else then go!!!

I will find someone that wants a loves me for who I am not who I should have been.

Support this guy or just talk to him, bashing him is the book burning, bible banging, passive insecure way of life.

Im Gone

I have followed your thread and the responses have been predictable. You stated it correctly when you said you thought the purpose of this forum was to support you but that you were getting attacked or felt like it.

If you read the infamous Space Ghost thread, you will find that he also arrived here NOT in a Just Found Out state. He had know about her infidelity having caught her for six months, had spent a month prior to posting formulating his exit plan, had clearly stated that infidelity was something he had discussed with his wife and told her numerous times it was a total deal breaker because of FOO issues.

And yet his tghread went 1000 posts, probably 50% of them chastising him for not reconciling, telling him how remorseful his wife was despite her continuing to cheat even after he found her 200 miles away while he was out of town, and it went oin and on. He also did not deviate and held to his convictions.

THAT IS YOUR RIGHT AND YOU OWE NO ONE ANY EXPLANATION OF JUSTIFICATION FOR WHAT YOU DECIDE.

In a forum this large, I think over 40,000 members, there is going to be some that disagree with you even if you say we breathe oxygen.

I am reconciling with my wife and I feel she did much worse than what your wife did. I don't consider myself weak or timid and I don';t think most weho have read what I post here would think that either.

There are going to be people reposnding who would tell you to reconcile even if she had banged half the male population of the USA. And unfortunately the debate on these threads too often results in these same folks calling any of us who take a harder line as inflexible and crazy zealots who impose our pain on you the poster. They do not feel that imploring you to reconcile when you clearly state you are not going to as imposing their experience on you.

The bottom line is you are the judge, jury, and executioner here. There is no court of law you have to satisy as long as you can live with your decision. You should NOT disappear, but you SHOULD continue to do what YOU need to do for yourself, and take any advice here that you deem valuable as valid and ignore what you do not.

This is probably the BEST forum of this type you will find. I know there are many of us who totally support you in whatever you decide and that is what we should do and not be questioning your decision unless you ASK why you are not acting wisely.

You have stated yoiu position very clearly and if that changes there are many knowledgable folks here who can help you if you want it. Until then, do your thing and keep moving forward.

Strength to you

[This message edited by nononsense at 8:18 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

i disagree. doesnt matter what he chooses. just take time to think on it. thats all.

i disagree. doesnt matter what he chooses. just take time to think on it. thats all.

i disagree. doesnt matter what he chooses. just take time to think on it. thats all.

THAT IS YOUR RIGHT AND YOU OWE NO ONE ANY EXPLANATION OF JUSTIFICATION FOR WHAT YOU DECIDE.

Bears repeating.

Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Blah!!! I had a response all typed up and I lost it.

Bottom line is I agree with william. He obviously felt the need to say it three times.

IMHO he's right. Typically the course of action it to get out of infidelity. IGBTD is doing just that with a D. No issues there. But it also doesn't appear that his WW is fence sitting or a cake eater where we would typically give the advice to force the situation. Doesn't sounds like there is much to "force" here.

I think it's wise to stop and evaluate the situation periodically as it unfolds. Take your time and process it to make sure you know that it's what you really need and want. 6 months doesn't seem like a long time in the bigger picture of one's life. I'm not even saying stop the D. That is clearly the best course of action for IGBTD and may continue to be. It's also wise to stop and asses wants and needs as someone goes so that they don't step on a land mine they didn't see coming because they were to quick to keep charging full steam ahead.

I touch upon this in my last post about the kids and things that need to be thought through on that front. One thing that D also brings that I'm not sure IGBTD has given any thought to is that with D comes dating for both. What is this going to look like? IGBTD with your first post and you having to explain your decision to D to it's fullest, your WW seems to occupy a lot of your head space still. What are you doing to detach in preparation for the D?

yop

I really don't understand what has happened on this thread.

I didn't see anger, contempt, or confusion in the original post. What I noticed was that it was written in an almost defensive *tone.* There are a lot of reasons to use that *tone* -- maybe IGBTD assumed that his decision would be attacked here, maybe the WW is putting a lot of pressure on him and he needs to have the arguments that support his decision ready at all times, or maybe he's trying to convince HIMSELF that his decision is the right one and wanted people to challenge his arguments to show him that there could be hope for his marriage if he wanted to remain there. If his reason for posting was to *test* his own mindset, I believe that he's been challenged enough. His stance is firm and clear and he's been unwavering in his belief: second paragraph, last sentence of original post = "For me cheating is a "one and done" thing meaning it's a deal breaker."

So what if the WW is remorseful? She can't go back and *undo* the cheating. When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

IGBTD has said that cheating is a dealbreaker for him, so the consequence of his wife cheating is that they will not remain married.

As for some of your concerns going forward, IGBTD.....

Yes, there will be financial loss. You will have 1/2 of the stuff you have now. You will have less disposable income because you'll most likely be paying child support and perhaps maintenance for a period of time.

However, divorce does NOT have to be all-out war with parents who use their children as pawns. If your WW truly is remorseful, then the two of you should be able to co-parent just fine -- so alienation and false DV charges shouldn't be an issue.

(and btw......I was very glad to see that you changed your mind about going away for a while. Once the dust settles and your kids have adjusted to their *new* life you can revisit that idea.)

I really don't understand what has happened on this thread.

I think what happened is that certain people were offended by the OP's certainty and that led to a whole lot of 'who shot John.'

I and my children was abandoned by my ex for his cohort but looking back I would have done exactly the same as OP as I agree with his opinion on cheating.

Unhinged

Before I'll go into the details of your post, some general observation and reflection of mine on the topic of infidelity which led me to the conclusion that there is almost no way that true reconciliation, not a fake or an imitation is possible. What I'm talking about is that in my opinion one of the main factors that always exists in infidelity is ENTITLEMENT. As normally, nothing in life has one single cause and therefore entitlement is never coming alone but usually accompanied by more factors! However, it is a factor that is always present in the cheater's mind. This entitlement springs from misunderstanding of one of the very basic elements of human existence namely that every person to that or the other degree, some more some less, experiences suffering at that or other point in his life. Now, while most of the people have this intuitive insight in the nature of our existence, they understand therefore, there are not some unique people that deserve and are entitled to special treatment. Cheaters at the other hand have this deep ignorance that they believe somehow to think there is something special and unique about their suffering so they are entitled to special treatment and whatever they want.

This is why in my opinion, once again my opinion, all the excuses of FOO issues, mental health problems or whatever other shenanigans from the cheater's 101 hand book is bullshit. All people have FOO issues; yet, not all people feel entitled to affairs, because most people understand that their suffering is a universal experience that does not make or give them the right to deserve special treatment. They use their understanding of suffering (and FOO issues) to cultivate humility, instead of what cheaters do to dwell in hedonistic selfishness and self-centered entitlement. Now, you ask yourself what it has to do with reconciliation. The answer is that for the cheater reconciliation is just another form of this self-centered entitlement as affair is. They were first hand entitled to their affair; now, as they have to face consequences, they are entitled to have their reconciliation. In the same way, as with forgiveness, there is a big difference between having humility, which is a necessary accompanying component of remorse, in whishing, not coming up with demands or expectation to be forgiven, and on the other hands coming with self-entitled expectations and demands for reconciliation, which a cheater do not deserve.

From what I researched, there are really few, but really few, cheaters who can grasp this difference simply because their self-entitled attitude. In the cheater's mind he is entitled for reconciliation, he is entitled for support by the victim, he is entitled to love, he is entitled to be loved, he is entitled after certain time not to be reminded of his infidelity, he is entitled, entitled, entitled…..UHG, that's a vicious, vicious, cycle, which has no end. Therefore, for the cheater reconciliation and affair are simply the two side of the same coin; they come from the same root. Therefore, even if the cheater won't cheat again on you, because the conditions are not right, let's say in the extreme case because he's not sure that you are cautions or not cautious enough, it's not because he does not feel entitled to his affair, but because he's not sure, and feel more entitled at that moment to reconciliation. Yet, if under those circumstances who would assume with high possibility that you would not caught him, he will strike again, undoubtedly. This is why we read all over ahain about breaking NC, second, third, fourth or I don't know how many ddays and so on. Why, because all and everything is about entitlement and as I say for the cheater, both affairs as well as reconciliation a matter of entitlement. That's all. To sum it up, reconciliation with a cheater is delusion and wishful thinking. Once again, that is what I think.

Now, let's address some of the details

"The first person a wayward betrays is himself. That idea took me a long time to process, until I started to really understand just what she'd done to herself. My wife didn't betray me. She betrayed herself and I am merely the collateral damage. I'm curious to know what you think about this."

Well, once again and I'm emphasizing that it is how I see things, this is in my opinion cheater think 101, spinning the truth and reality upside down and a mental Gymnastic I'll have to undergo in order to reconcile. In other words, for me it would mean that I'll have to internalize this cheater think, blame shifting and gas lighting as I understand it. I'm not talking about others. If the WS has betrayed himself, definitely yes! Does he betray both of the partner, even more sure than the first statement. Did he not betray me? Common, the chance that I will accept this internalization of blame shift is the same as I would become the first astronaut o step on mars. Did the cheater hurt him-self more than me? Good question but I highly doubt this. I do think he has inflicted a lot of suffering on himself but it is his responsibility to deal with that.

I'm married to woman with some seriously screwed up issues who needs my help, love and support.

This screwed up woman of mine needs and can rely only on her to be helped, fixed and supported. Sorry, but for me such a statement means the lack of responsibility and actually the unwillingness to be a responsible person. No one can help us, but our-selves and we have no control over other people but ourselves and also this not ultimately and over everything. This is again in my opinion is cheater thing 101 in its best. Wow, my wife was entitled to her affair, now she's entitled to reconciliation but even more than this she's entitled to have zero responsibility and do something to help her-self. My wife is not the damsel and distress and I will be no more a deluded knight white. What you describe is in my eyes not equality but lack of responsibility. With equality comes responsibility but the wish to be equal and have zero responsibility as it is so usual with cheaters is once again the cheater think 101 from the cheater's bible.

In a way this is also a word manipulation cheater try to push us into believing. The only thing I can do for my loved ones or for that purpose everyone else is cultivating compassion, love with the time, pray or wish them well, but it's ultimately them that can "help" (fix) themselves. In a way, also the betrayed spouse can heal and is the sole responsible for his healing! My wife can't do anything to make me "heal". As the perpetrator the only thing she can do is create a supportive environment where I can heal, but as I stated below I really doubt this is possible as she most probably feels entitled as a cheater for different things

What do you have to lose by giving your wife, your marriage, another six months?

On one level, you are certainly right, I have nothing to lose. On the other thing, what can I win, most probably nothing if we are talking in terms of reconciliation as vs. a civil agreement on divorce! Do I win something if leave? Yes, probably everything. Most importantly I gain my life and without a cheater in it. Sometimes to win everything, you have to lose and give up on everything you have. This is an important lesson to learn in such situations. Yet, more than this as I stated, where I live divorce is not immediate and sometimes it takes relatively a long time. So, the facto my wife to get her chance anyway to show me who she truly is though I believe she already showed me and although I'm not into it. In fact she'll get more than those six months. The thing is that two months have passed and yet despite of her all growing remorse my determination to divorce her grows exponentially.

Nevertheless, I think there is validity in what you say. I do believe now especially after reading yearsofpai25 that one should go slowly with the divorce for the sake of everyone especially including the children. I will expand on this in my response to his post which I find almost enlightening on that topic. Especially, in my situation I think not to react with hast is appropriate but not as you maybe stated for trying reconciliation but as yearsofpain25 mentioned to go through this process for the sake of everyone. I will expand on this in my next response.

[This message edited by ImGoneByTheDown at 11:11 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

gonnabe2016

Thanks a lot. You've hit the nail on many things

(and btw......I was very glad to see that you changed your mind about going away for a while. Once the dust settles and your kids have adjusted to their *new* life you can revisit that idea.)

Ehmmm... I'm wondering if anyone who was pushing him away, received a pm yellow card.....