SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you had to end it but that's just the thing---seems you HAD to end it. If it's not the right fit, why keep trying?

Add this to your list of life lessons. You did well, I think.

As for the alcohol and glasses, I'd be inclined to just write it off for now. If it means that much she will find a way to get them back from you. She's throwing up hoops and seeing if she's greased them enough for you to jump through them.

Do kids routinely go through boxes on your porch looking for things to drink? I doubt it. You are over functioning here. Put it in a box, tape it shut, leave it on your patio, give her x amount of time to get it.

If she really wants it, she will get it.

I personally think it's one of those ploys we dumped people use to plead our case just one more time "and then they will see" ugh! Being on the other side really points out how fruitless our efforts were.

I always think of that scene in the movie "singles" where he leaves his blue t shirt as an excuse and she uses it to clean her toilet. Ha.

ETA:

I see you are a few years older than me, I am assuming she is somewhat close to this age range as well? If so and you don't see a future, than you are doing the exact correct thing. She is looking for something serious and you are wasting her time and keeping her from finding a better fit. Kudos.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 7:41 AM, February 16th (Thursday)]

I said that I'd be happy to drop stuff off and she said ok. Then she said, well, must be before 6PM and no weekends.

Nope, nope, nope. She wants it, she can come get it.

Do kids routinely go through boxes on your porch looking for things to drink? I doubt it. You are over functioning here.

No doubt. However, this same sort of overfunctioning is required by my job and I'm very good at it. Unfortunately, it tends to drive one a bit over the edge, worry-wise, in real life.

To the folks that suggest that I tell her that it is on my back porch and let it be her worry. I understand that very well. I do not, however, want to give even the appearance of inviting her anywhere near where I live. She's about 25 minutes away by interstate highway and I'd much rather that she stay there.

Fool proof? No, not at all. But between xWW and xWGF I had a stalker who broke up with me and then would drive farther than that to drive past my house and then leave voice mail messages about where I had parked that day or what the mowed state of my yard was. Again? Oh, hell no.

[This message edited by devotedman at 7:56 AM, February 16th, 2017 (Thursday)]

Well then I'd just ignore the request. She had a chance to take it when you were together and didn't. Shrug.

Changing topics from the booze.

DM, do you feel like you were more interested in a FWB relationship? Did it start out that way and she grew more attached to you?

k9

Old friend k94ever! Hi!

Good question with some implicit assumptions.

We actually discussed early on some relationship boundaries. She mentioned at that time that she couldn't just be FWB without having or developing strong feelings for someone (not uncommon in people).

I told her that I had a history of casual, promiscuous sex (from the unhealed CSA days) but that I had re-worked my head a bit to view sexual activity as more significant. I went on to say that I could certainly get back into my own "casual sex is fine" mindset but that I didn't think that that would be particularly healthy for me.

We decided that we wanted to explore a real relationship rather than just act like rabbits in heat, so we did not have sex. What we did would best be described as TDWMOS (Trying Dates With Make-Out Sessions). To be clear, not that the dates were trying in the sense of difficult.

Hope that helped? Any other questions or clarifications?

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:27 PM, February 17th, 2017 (Friday)]

Sigh. Just re-read my previous post and figured out that something came out badly.

When I stated to her that I "could get back into the casual sex mindset" it was not an offer to do so but an acknowledgement of what is actually possible.

So, I _could_ get back into that mindset. It would not be good for me. It would mean re-entering a world of mental pain and throwing away years of personal growth that I worked hard for and on and value greatly.

That doesn't mean that casual sexual activity is necessarily bad for _everyone_, but that I don't think that it is a place that I want to visit again.

Hope this helps make it clearer.

she couldn't just be FWB without having or developing strong feelings for someone (not uncommon in people)

Bold highlight: I would hope so.

After all the cheating my NPD exW did, if I ever came across someone that thought that way, I'd peg them for a psychopath...

I get a ONS, but on-going? no feelings?

OK..... then there was no sexual relationship, but a good, healthy, platonic relationship between you two.

And she wanted to move in?????

Was she sending you signals she wanted to take your relationship to the intimate level and you didn't see them?

It kinda sounds like you saved yourself a bunch of emotional grief by ending the situation.

k9

Boxed her stuff up, texted her a drop off time, and dropped off the stuff.

No big deal, no drama, honestly I talked more than she did and I spoke about 4 sentences.

All that worry for nothing! Ah, well, better prepared than not.

k94ever, well, the kissing is what made it non-platonic, at least in my book.

As for unrecognized signals from her - if they're truly unrecognized, how could I know? She certainly saw more there than I did.

I do agree that I saved myself a lot of emotional grief. I tend to give every last chance when I ought to call it sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, everyone has bad days, etc. Blah, blah, blah...

I'd like to thank everyone for their input, I do really appreciate discussing things. Even if I'm not smart enough to take the offered advice I do listen and often use it later.

Onward. Ladies of my immediate area, watch out for the one-eyed, older, slightly overweight, introspective stud-muffin waiting in a bookstore near you!

(Did I garner any eye-rolls?)

But then I have to admit you had me at Amelia Pond and Doctor Who...........

k9

I received some texts from ex dating partner. Not xWGF from sig block, but the one that this thread is about.

I noticed in WornDown's thread that some suggested that his xGF was cheating. Well, I got accused of the same thing. And... unbelief about what I said in general.

NC equals No New Hurts and I didn't see any reason to drag this out yet again. Plus, anger and denial are stages of grief. Apparently so is lashing out cruelly.

I really don't see anything to be gained by any sort of reply at all. Perhaps I'm wrong. I just don't see any pluses in talking again. She doesn't believe what I said, wants to accuse me, and what could be said positively?

NC it is.

Opinions, please?

I noticed in WornDown's thread that some suggested that his xGF was cheating. Well, I got accused of the same thing. And... unbelief about what I said in general.

So you ended it and returned her things with minimal drama and now she's trying to talk and accusing you of being dishonest and possibly cheating on her?

Radio silence sounds right to me. You can defend yourself, of course, but what's the end game? Seems like she is the type to try to control the situation (suddenly wanting the booze back after the breakup? no confrontation but then texting accusations?) and my thought is the best way to end that cycle is to refuse to buy into it. You don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to attend.

Oh good grief, ugh! Sorry she contacted you with that nonsense.

Weird, right? Especially since you had the last face to face meeting already and that went smoothly.

I agree that she's just looking for a fight.

So glad that you recognize what's happening here.

Don't be a boomerang. Keep walking forward.

ADryHeat and Iwillsurvive hit it on the head. She's just looking for a fight. I'd run...and fast.

Even if it was just someone that wasn't crazy (this one appears to be so), if you want it over, end it. Contact will just give them hope that you don't want to give.

(ex-GF texted me this weekend; first time in 2 weeks. The pang of hope came back. But I think I beat it into submission...)

Crickets.

I do agree that I saved myself a lot of emotional grief. I tend to give every last chance when I ought to call it sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, everyone has bad days, etc. Blah, blah, blah...

DM, I'm always impressed with your self-insight, recognition of patterns of behavior within yourself and willingness to acknowledge them without judgement (I hope). To this I would say, ought you have ended it sooner?

I think, especially as FBS, in an attempt to prevent future pain we tend to ride the far swings of the pendulum before settling into equilibrium. I would say it is extremely difficult to get to a balanced point again. I am saying this because I do not see unhealthy behavior in your "giving it some time" approach. IMO, shutting it down at the first sign of unease or discomfort is closer to one extreme, while remaining in the relationship despite continuous trouble the other. I just hope you can be a little gentle with yourself here. Noticing yellow flags and proceeding with caution can be considered healthy dating.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this break up and I do agree that NC is the way to go UNLESS she were approaching things in a different way. Wanting to talk to you to understand things better is TOTALLY different than accusing and attacking. There is something behind that/in that that you need to steer clear of.

Keep on keeping on...and I call lucky lady for the one who gets you.

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 10:56 AM, February 27th (Monday)]

t/j for a second:

Worndown said:

(ex-GF texted me this weekend; first time in 2 weeks. The pang of hope came back. But I think I beat it into submission...)

I nailed it. Totally called that move and I'm VERY proud of you for beating it back down into crickets! At least I hope you gave her crickets? I'm afraid.......

devotedman, I'm not so sure she is looking for a fight, in fact I would go as far as to say she is praying you don’t reply, I think what she said in the text is her way of coming to terms with the breakup and trying to relieve her obvious pain, by blaming you, you said she did not say much when you returned her things and you said only 4 sentences, this confirms to me she was already hurting but did not want get in to a stand up fight facing you, so let her have her way, by accusing you of things you did not do, and I agree with you to not reply/respond far better for all in the end.

Regards BJE49