SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You need a new phone provider or a new phone.

I shall never give up my Windows 10 phone!

Basically, older daughter was ruling the household and got away with whatever she wanted to do

That is crazy and I have seen that before as well... Yea, eventually it would of spilled into your life... You definitely dodged a bullet there.

Speaking from experience...block. My provider only blocked for 90 day increments so I had to keep renewing the block.

Hopefully, 90 days will be enough for her to get the message.

I do agree that it seems you did dodge a bullet.

Hey devotedman,

It sounds like things are settling down a bit for you which is great.

I wanted to comment on your year limit comments of love bombing and not saying 'I love you' before a year is over.

As a reasonably (I hope? Lol) mentally healthy woman who has done/ and continues to do a ton of work on figuring out my own issues, I really feel like putting an arbitrary length of time on any getting to know you/ declaration of feelings seems counter productive to me.

I do agree that sometimes people don't give themselves enough time to get to know each other properly, and they don't understand how things change at a chemical level over time, but I would not even consider staying with a man who had not told me he loved me in a year.

To me a declaration of feelings should be genuine, measured and should come when the feeling is there consistently (i.e. not simply in the throws of passion). Withholding affection in this way would be completely counter productive to me and would leave me feeling confused and questioning the motives of my partner. In fact the person would almost certainly not remain my partner because there is no way I am signing up for a life of withheld affection. My rather wise mother always used to say 'if you feel something good about someone, share it.'

Just a thought for you for what it's worth.

^^^agree. I think if I don't have a sense of that within 3-4 months of exclusive dating then I won't. But really, if I'm having regular sex with someone I'm going to love them. If I dated someone for more than 5ish months and they didn't say it I would not feel wanted or appreciated.

And wow, what a weird situation considering you two didn't even have sex.

I have no idea how I ended up in this thread as I am not even 4 months out from finding out. I guess I am just having a horrible day ....again, and was reading in here for hope and to maybe see a glimmer of a life without infidelity.... saw the cool Doctor Who signature and ended up reading this entire thread...wow

"We’re all stories, in the end… just make it a good one, eh?” 11th Doctor

LucidiyLost, Hi! I've read some of your other posts, so Double Hi! I'm sorry that you're not doing that well.

Regarding the 'wait a year' thing, I'm not slavishly devoting myself to that. I am, however, intent on waiting a bit longer than xWGF and I waited, which was about, oh, 4 months -ish for sex and 'I love you' to be exchanged.

That's a hindsight, protect myself attitude, too. She was really good at spinning a believable yarn about why she had had 3 marriages and one longish engagement/live-in situation by age 35. Turns out that she was good at spinning believable yarns. Who knew? (cue the grim laughter, mwahahahahaha. foolish mortal!)

Truthfully, I am in most ways Mr. Average. Average height minus a bit from breaking both legs. Average (over) weight for my age. Average looks (I hope!). So, do I _want_ the whole love-you, awesome-sex thing quickly and forever? Sure. That'd be great. The world handed to you on a platter always sounds fricking awesome. Is that a reasonable expectation, however? Not at all.

As someone above referenced 3 or 4 months is when the Lust phase is sort of running out and the Romantic Attachment Phase is starting up. That seems possibly a bit premature. OTOH, waiting until the Romantic Attachment Phase is winding down and turning into the Long Term Commitment Phase at about 3.5 _years_ seems a bit long.

Then I also think about the early "Honeymoon" phase when everybody is on their best behavior and nobody farts in front of the SO. It sure is easy to convince yourself that you're in love with someone who is on their best behavior, but then what surprises await when that behavior starts to slip back into the mundane behavior patterns? Do I want my heart broken then? Nope.

Using the OATH (Open, Authentic, Trustworthy, Honest) communication method here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

* Don't want to get hurt again, so take it a bit slow.

* Don't need to rack up more notches on the old bedpost, so take it a bit slow.

* Don't want to expose myself to any STDs, so take it slow and be sure that they're trustworthy about disclosures.

* Wait until that best-behavior period is over, so take it a bit slow.

* Always show caring, compassion, empathy, and respect because (oddly enough, who woulda thunk it?!?) women are people, too. (Yes, that was a ridiculous statement. Yes, ridiculous is freaking hilarious.)

* If I get married again then I expose my salary, house, and retirement income to the vagaries of another person's actions. Why get married at all?

* If I get married again then whatever I possess should I die first will be split between my kids and my spouse as opposed to just my kids, so why get married at all?

* I'm 54 years old, in reasonable health, and currently with a reasonably middle class income. Statistically, however, my health will start to go down before too long. My retirement age is in 13 years, and I've been pretty single for 2.5-ish years after xWGF now. I'm sort of fine being single with friends (without benefits) and groups that I socialize with sometimes. I was _crushed_ after xWGF. Just _crushed_. What does it benefit me to risk that again? In a risk vs. reward consideration, what exactly is the reward and how exactly is it worth the risk?

* Will my thinking on these things change? Maybe, maybe not. People tend to get more conservative as they get older and more conservative than I am currently has me living in a cave and eating pine cones and bear meat.

I agree with an above comment: If I start having sex with someone then I'll get all emotionally entangled with that person.

So, in the end, I'm still struggling a bit with how I want my life to look. I'm pretty satisfied with friends, socializing, and then coming home to a safe place. I come from a childhood of beatings, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. A safe, sane home is a blessing.

Thoughts?

As my tag reads....A person is either an asset or a lesson. It sounds like this last one was a lesson for you and you dodged a bullet.

I'm just wondering though if you take it too slow do you miss out on part of what brings you together in the first place. Until SO, I had never waited long for the sex part. I love you's did take longer. That's part of the reason I waited about 4 months before we got intimate. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't me being infatuated with someone who was really not a good match. It has worked out better for the most part, but I wonder if we didn't miss part of the lust/honeymoon phase and instead develop more of a I'm comfortable with you/friend/romantic attachment phase, if that makes sense. I feel more secure in our relationship because of it, but I wonder if it will have effects later on.

I guess that is what infidelity does. It makes marriage and attachments take on a whole new meaning once you move into your new beginning. I had never really thought about boundaries (except the obvious ones). Now I feel lucky that anyone would want me because I have so much now I will not tolerate. I had also never thought twice about sharing my finances/assets with my husbands. Now there is no way I would let anyone anywhere near my finances (as little as they are). SO say something about buying a major thing and I break out in a sweat and think how could we possibly split that if we break up. Either it's infidelity or age (I'm the same age as you).

I guess we just muddle through the best we can and hopefully some of it sinks in.

devotedman, I really shouldn't be in New Beginnings just yet, but you welcomed me so kindly, so I just want to tell you that I believe you are on the right track. Stay true to yourself, and trust yourself. I am also so sorry about your childhood experiencs You deserve to know what true love is.....We all do. Too bad we end up here as a result of selfish, horrible choices from those we trusted most. Definitely leaves you jaded...

* headed back to my crappy existence of a BS who just found out a while ago that her husband of 26 years is a douchebag

Hey DM, I always love how introspective and thought provoking your posts are!

Combining what you and TG said, I have recently mulled over the following:

I'm just wondering though if you take it too slow do you miss out on part of what brings you together in the first place.

I wonder if we didn't miss part of the lust/honeymoon phase and instead develop more of a I'm comfortable with you/friend/romantic attachment phase.

Which has only served to reinforce my feelings about

I'm pretty satisfied with friends, socializing, and then coming home to a safe place.

I didn’t have that giddy, excited, sparkly beginning with SO. I was too cautious…and still am. It’s been 8 months and I still have moments of panic where I want to shut him out. I think, “I don’t have the emotional strength to invest in a relationship. It would be so much easier if it were just me.” In my mind, when things get rocked a little bit, I fear that the risk will not outweigh the reward and I am tempted to choose flight (fight or flight). I know me. I know I am safe. I know I will not be able to hurt me like someone else will. I should just be alone.

...and I really think that is the key:

In a risk vs. reward consideration, what exactly is the reward and how exactly is it worth the risk?

This will be different for each individual, but it is always the defining question for whether we should be in (or continue) a relationship. If you personally find the reward is worth the risk, Do it. If you find after being semi-permanently tossed about in rough waters your entire life that the most peace and joy you find is in calm waters, and for you that is being single, then by all means, do it.

So, in the end, I'm still struggling a bit with how I want my life to look.

What a cool place you are in. A difficult, but truly significant place. I think we come to these places from time to time in our life due to difficult circumstances (ah, the silver lining everyone talks about. The blessing in disguise?) where we realize that we are not really sure what’s in our heart and we purposefully stop and look inward for answers. In my life, those have been the times of greatest growth…which ALWAYS result in a better understanding of me, a greater appreciation of me and reminder that I do love myself (that I am worthy of love)…and THIS is typically followed by a season of great peace and joy.

I believe you are on the cusp of a great season for yourself. It may feel like struggle, but don’t let that mask what’s happening. Not just people, but all experiences are an asset AND a lesson, because aren’t those one in the same?

For those of you keeping count (I know that I'm not, more's the pity) I just got texted by the woman I broke up with at the start of this thread.

It had been a while and I truly thought that she'd quit. I don't block because 1) it isn't a trigger, 2) keep tabs on people in your life who do odd things so that you're prepared for _really_ odd things, and 3) I just can't be bothered to take the literally 5 seconds it would take and, 2, above.

Sigh.

Oh, and for those BSes who say that people who have nothing to hide don't delete texts? I do. My phone presents me a list of text conversations in reverse chronological order of the last text in the thread and I routinely delete everyone but - guy who does my lawn, my kids, work (until the task is done), and one or two friends. That leaves me a short list of "texting buddies" that I can very quickly pick from when I want to send someone a text.

Hi! I am guilty of deleting texts daily Am I hiding something? Nope. Why do it then? Because I am lazy and having to scroll up and down to find a particular conversation annoys me

BTW, am I quite curious about what she had to say now?

She texted 6m later? Or has been texting periodically? Was it just a hey/hello?

I think the whole deleting vs. not is typically a personality trait. However, if you're the type to never/rarely delete texts and then start, or maybe only delete from one person - that raises flags, IMO.

I almost never delete texts, and tend to be a bit of a hoarder. Accidentally deleted a text thread with a friend and was irrationally sad about it lol. This problem speaks to some facet (good or bad) of my personality.

DM, crickets. Lots and lots of crickets.

I delete texts all the time! My phone is literally starved for memory. If I don't delete texts my apps stop working.

She has been texting sporadically since I called things off. Just requests to talk.

Yes, forged1, crickets. Has been since the day of the breakup (well, with a lot of very temporary drama of her demanding items back that she left at my house. Liquor, several board games, etc. Just stuff that I forgot about when I returned what I immediately remembered that she'd left there.

I documented most if not all of the texting occasions in this thread. I'm honestly not motivated enough to check my posts here to see when the last one was.

Just a heads up for folks to see what goes on in the Real World of Dating. Sigh.

Keep on keeping on, everyone!

I had to do something similar recently. Thankfully, the texts with the dramatic nonsense have stopped. It's been around a week since I last heard from her.

Sigh. This has become a log of sorts for me.

One contact, indirectly through common friends that were mine from before dating about a month ago? (I forgot to mention it here.)

One a week ago, a "hello and poor me" text. With passive-aggressive comment for a hint of extra flavor!

Wow, she doesn't give up easily does she??? After all these months I would consider her a stalker. Better watch yourself. You may come home to board game pieces on your doorstep.