SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You don't need a better boundary, your wife knows your boundary and is ignoring it.

You DO need to tell the OBS, just out of decency and fairness to her. That will also likely have the consequence of ending all contact between her and your WW.

BTW, I wouldn't be surprised if your WW is keeping contact for her own curiosity and way to keep indirectly informed about the OM. Blech.

What evidence do you have of the affair? Texts..emails...pics?

Because I can guarantee your WW has been telling this woman that you're jealous, abusive,dangerous. That you accuse her of cheating.

So that when you do tell his wife, she will have a hard time believing you without proof.

You must be the other man's best friend,to keep this secret for him. He really lucked out when he had an affair with your wife. Not only will you not tell his wife,but you will continue to allow your wife to be around him,under the guise of being his wife's friend.

This woman deserves the truth. Just as you did.

It wouldn't be a bit surprising to find out the affair continued.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:25 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

I found more sources in favor of not telling (as long as I had reasonable assurance the A stopped).

Many MCs have their heads up their asses - and I say that even though I'm strongly biased toward IC and MC - with good Cs, that is.

The path of least resistance - that is, the path of fear and cowardice - is to keep quiet.

OBS is living a lie. The truth is much, much better in the long run, and you're the only one who is likely to help her. It's in your hands.

Are there any specific threads you would point me to for discussion on this topic?

It's hard to find threads in SI, since it's set up to be anonymous and to protect anonymity.

I can say this, though: probably over 90% of SI's membership is in favor of outing the A.

Again I ask: Would you want to know?

And if not, why are you wanting to live a lie?

Yes, I know it's easier to tell you to out the A than to actually out the A, but ... out the A. It's the right thing to do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:55 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

Yes, good question... what evidence do you have? Was it an EA or PA? How long was it going on?

Do NOT let your wife pretend to be a friend to the OBS. That's not a friend. Also, it seems any contact within the couple is a means to keep a connection to her AP. No excuse for that.

Don't let her make a fool of both of you. Tell the OBS. Without warning

As the BW in my situation, where the OBS knew of the A for a month and a half before he informed me, I will plead to you to tell the OBS in your situation. During the time that OBS knew of the A, OW was pretending to be my friend while gas lighting me and referencing many hurtful things about my WH and ourt marriage that I was under the impression were in regards to her BH and her marriage (as in telling me the last time she had sex, but that was not with her husband, it was with mine). She was absolutely TERRIBLE. And because she still had an "in" with me, it made it extremely easy for her to access my WH even after her BH knew as she used me, the unsuspecting BW with complete trust in both my friend and husband, as a way to sneak time alone with him (had me watch her baby while she ran to my house to get a bottle of wine for us, ect.).

I would shut this down immediately. It is not fair to you or the OBS, and your WW is no doubt creating more trauma that the OBS will have to deal with down the line not to mention that she has not been truthful to you about where she is. The OW did this in my situation when her BH would be out running errands and he would come back to find me at their home, and her at mine and storm off all the while she dismissed it to me as him being moody and their marriage issues.

I would also like to add that in my situation, there were 4 kids involved, 3 theirs, 1 ours, and that was the reasoning OBS used as not telling me sooner. We have implemented NC for everyone. Did my son miss his friends, of course he did. Do their children miss my son, probably. They were the best of friends just like their parents were, but there was a line crossed, and that meant that since the parents would no longer be friends, then the children were no longer friends.

I had to explain to my son that Ms. OW did a very mean thing to mommy, and we could no longer see his friends repetitively for the first 3 months. Now it is few and far between that he speaks of them, but when he does, it is that same sentence repeated, and we move on.

Children are resilient. My son has other friends to keep him occupied, and we let him simply know that it is ok to miss his old friends, but his other friends are just as great.

Gotta agree with the others. The OBS deserves to know poste haste. Plus, don't be surprised if the affair is still ongoing, and your WW is using this contact with the OBS to have at least some type of indirect contact with her AP.

Every day that you don't tell this poor woman about her husbands A with your wife is another chip at your integrity. Allowing her to have any interaction with your wife is just cruel on BOTH of your oarts. Sorry, can't get behind this one at all, you are just wrong to not tell a friend what has happened in her marriage.

one of the worst aspects of my wifes affair was the time she facilitated a meeting with her and the AP. I have never gotten over what the two on them were thinking while we were all in my kitchen talking. Were they winking at each other and laughing behind my back.

This interaction is just downright cruel and borders on psychopathic And you are complicit. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night if I were a party to this.

And BTW, if she is setting up secret meetings with the BS, what makes you sure she isn't doing the same with the AP? Maybe she feels she needs to see him, as if cutting total contact would set off red flags with the BS.

You should tell, but at the very least put a total ban on any contact.

I found more sources in favor of not telling...

Of course you did. By people who love to take the "don't tell" or the "it's none of MY business" approach. God FORBID they actually try to have some compassion for a fellow human being.

They'll continue with their "not tell" thinking - Until it happens to THEM, of course. Then they'll suddenly have a whole different opinion on the merits of doing the right thing.

As another poster here said - we're over 50,000 who have BEEN down this road, unlike most of the sources who have been telling you not to tell the betrayed wife.

What you're doing is keeping your UNREMORSEFUL wife's dirty little secret for her. You can use all the lame excuses you want to justify it - that you're 'saving their children' from hurt and all that nonsense, but the truth is, you're doing it out of fear that your wife will never forgive you if you DO tell him. I have a sneaking suspicion she's already exacted a promise from you that you'll never tell him OR she's threatened you that you'd better never tell him and you just haven't admitted it in any of your posts.

In the interim, she continues dictating how your fake reconciliation will be conducted, she continues seeing her affair partner by pretending to be 'friends' with his wife, she continues making a complete MOCKERY of this poor woman with her disgusting lies and fake friendship with her, and she continues disrespecting YOU in every conceivable way she can - while you continue protecting her.

I would tell the BS. Honestly, this smells of betrayal. Something is very wrong with this picture. You have set boundaries and your wife is running over them. Why would she want to be in contact with the person she tried to destroy ?I would tell as soon as possible. I don't know your wife but this makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I’m not surprised this has struck a nerve with so many of you. I’ve been reluctant to post in general, and only did so now about this topic because it has devolved into such a ridiculous situation. I agree with all that this is horrible treatment of OBS and a slap in the face to me. I also fully recognize that I would want to be told if I was the in OBS position. I guess I’ve bought into the “Some people would rather not know” mentality.

I don’t completely share some of the paranoia about WW and OM being in contact behind the scenes. I have come to accept that a relapse/future cheating is a real possibility. There are plenty of stories and stats about that. I think that is an unavoidable risk of trying R – the only way to completely protect from that risk is to end the marriage, which I don’t want to do yet. I’ve taken reasonable measures to be able to detect that if contact with OM happens, without letting it consume me. I have faith that I will find out if it does happen. I’m sure it would sting a lot, but it will make my choices moving forward clear. I guess my overall philosophy on this, and I’m sure it’s not for everyone, is that in the end my happiness/peace/contentment comes from me, not my marriage, not WW, not what she ends up doing. I’m completely not saying I’m ok with lies, cheating, etc, but I feel that I have to accept that her behavior is out of my control and all I can really do is make my position clear, monitor as best I can, and then make decisions based on what she does.

I haven’t covered all of the back story on WW/OBS relationship, but I have tried to actively manage that as best I can. I detected these two contacts while they were still in planning phase and they never actually met face-to-face. If they had, OBS would have been told already. It’s still complete crap that WW is doing what she’s doing, but that’s at least some small comfort to me.

As far as promises to not tell OBS – none have been made by me at any time. WW and AP have both been told that my decision may change at any time.

Last night I had a big discussion with WW. I told her I found out about the latest planned meeting. The 3 basic points I made were – (1) she’s not being honest with me and that’s further hurting the trust issue, (2) contact with OBS must stop, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be forced to tell her about A whether I want to or not, and (3) my thoughts on keeping truth from OBS about A are changing and I may very well tell her in the near future. As you can expect, there was resistance to the message, but we got through it without a total blow up. We’ll see if it sinks in with WW. One the 3rd point, I emphasized that we should not be on opposite sides here, that telling OBS or not is about what’s best for OBS, not me or WW. I hold a small hope that WW will see some light on this. I got her to admit that she would inform any other friend if she found that their spouse was cheating, and then asked why it should really be any different with this “friend”.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t made up my mind yet 100%. My own feelings and all of your posts have me closer and closer to telling. Many have suggested the “do it now with no warning approach”, but that doesn’t feel right for me, so I warned OBS. My plan is to also warn AP and give him a short window of time break the news himself. I get that approach is probably controversial. I get that WW and AP didn’t give me or OBS that kind of consideration and they don’t really deserve it. But for me, it’s not about them, it’s about who I am and it comes back to holding on to as much integrity as possible. I have certainly already stretched my morality in not telling this long. But I don’t approve of their behind-the-back behavior, why would I do it myself when I don’t have to? If I decide she finds out, she will find out. As far as proof – it won’t be an issue if she wants it. I’ve got an audio recording of them screwing, of confession, and I’ve got tons of texts.

Last thought before I leave it back to all you - I got a lot out of the post from HopeFromTheBottom. I really appreciate you sharing your side. The comments about a “fog” certainly apply to WW. She’s one big ball of defense mechanisms (both from a rough childhood and the experience of the A) and her inability to effectively deal with her guilt is paralyzing her. Regardless of how our marriage works out, I sincerely hope she can work through it all for her sake. The fog concept applies to me too. I feel like lately I’ve been coming out of some of that fog and that’s probably why my attitude about telling OBS is changing.

Thanks again for your perspectives and help.

Agree with so many other posters...

This is a continued betrayal to you.

The OBS deserves to know. She needs to make an educated decision for herself.

To me, it is obvious that your WW wants to stay updated regarding her AP. Women talk about their marriages with their friends-often in great detail. What if OBS is sharing that her marriage with the AP is struggling? Now, what if your WW is enjoying knowing that they are struggling? I can't help but believe she is sending smoke signals to the AP.

Sounds like no remorse. And stop "protecting" the OBS-she deserves to know who her H really is.

This makes such a fool of the OBS and it could appear to the OBS, that you are complicit in it By keeping the secret.

The OM is a cancer. A cancer the OBS has no idea she is living with. And you are acting like a negligent doctor who knows about the cancer, but will not tell the patient.

You can do whatever mental gymnastics you want to convince yourself otherwise....but you are complicit.

Please do not take this the wrong way it is time to stand up for yourself

1)You need to show her this is under your control now

2) Tell the other beyrayed spouse now

3) don't tell anyone your doing it

You must take control otherwise you will live a living hell! Trust me I did for a year and it was hell! I took the advice of not saying anything to the other betrayed spouse because it is non of my business to get involved with anyone else's marriage! That is Bull knowing what pain I went through and my kids went through I would of opened up my mouth right away. Please do not torture yourself trust me I have been there

[This message edited by Lethealbegin at 1:15 PM, March 25th (Saturday)]

I am only going to tell you what it was like not knowing about my husband's affair vs. knowing.

I thought there was something wrong with me. Suddenly, we had marital problems that didn't make sense. Suddenly, he found fault with my body, my hair color, the smell of my cologne was "making him sick". He was picking fights but seemed perfectly normal when we were around other people. No one knew there were issues at home. He didn't seem attracted to me anymore and I was killing myself trying to fix it.

Then I found out about the affair. We weren't having problems because there was something wrong with me. Our marriage wasn't falling apart because my hair was the wrong color or my cologne suddenly smelled sickening. We were having problems because he was being pulled in two directions and couldn't deal with it. We were having problems because a lot of the time, his head was somewhere else and I didn't know it. It was such a relief to know the truth. Yes, there were issues to work through but I wasn't trying to kill myself to be the perfect wife to someone who was never going to be satisfied by what I did. I'd rather divorce than go through the hell of not knowing what is going on in my own marriage again.

And then there is the STD factor. There are some STDs that can be transmitted even with condom use. I got high risk HPV from my husband's affair. And because I'd been monogamously (on my part) married for 17 years, my doctor's had started doing Pap tests only every 3 years. I was not due for another test for at least another year and a half. But when I found out about the affair, I went and had STD testing and a Pap smear. High risk HPV was found after years of normal testing. You see, my first sexual partner was also a virgin. Then I married my husband at 18. I had no reason to test other than finding out my husband had an affair.

Oh, I know, you think there's no way the OBS could be at risk. But you don't have any way of being 100% certain that this was your wife's only affair. And even if you are so sure in your own mind that this was the one and only time, you definitely have no way of knowing if this woman's husband makes a habit of getting some on the side. My husband didn't tell a single one of his friends what he was doing. So by not telling her, you and your wife are also taking away her knowledge that she needs testing.

I am about to have my second round of biopsies from the HPV I was given that I never should have had. Without being tested and monitored, it could have killed me. If that isn't a compelling reason to tell the OBS, I don't know what is.

You are doing this woman no favors, no matter how you justify it in your own mind. All three of you are disrespecting her by deciding what information she can handle. And she's being even more cruelly disrespected by the actions of your wife. I believe that I would rather be punched in the face repeatedly than be treated the way this woman is being treated. I'm very deeply saddened for her. With a husband and friends like this, she surely needs no enemies.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:33 PM, March 25th (Saturday)]

Well mate if you came here for advice you sure got it.

Now what.

Simply put: you are a coward. You talk a big game about your integrity, but not telling the OBS proves that you have no integrity & it definitely sounds like you're afraid of pissing your poor WW off. I agree with the poster that said the AP is lucky to have fucked the wife of a man that's willing to keep his secret for him.

You need to do the right thing and tell the OBS. If you're going to D, it will happen regardless if you tell OBS or not. As a BS, I feel it is sick that you are allowing your WW to continue hurting & disrespecting the OBS. It is wrong for you to continue to let the OBS look like a damn fool. You really need to put yourself in her shoes. At this point, you are an accomplice in hurting the OBS.

[This message edited by JpnHeartBreak at 11:01 PM, March 25th (Saturday)]

HUGE mistake to tell AP that you will be notifying his wife. Huge! He will tell his wife that you have always been jealous of your wife, that you are jealous of AP, that you want to ruin his life, and that you are telling lies about his supposed involvment with your WW. Telling him will only give him time to spin some crazy story about you and your motives, and will also give him an opportunity to try to blackmail you and your WW, probably with some nude pics WW sent to him, to keep you quiet. Shock and awe my friend, shock and awe.

You have already made so any mistakes, don't let this be another. We are telling you based on our years of experience and countless same stories. We know what e talking about. Your WW and the AP aren't any different or more honest than any other WS and AP. The fact that they continue t try to communicate is yet another reason why OBS must know now, two sets of eyes will help squash this so much better than your one set is.