SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Try googling the number. Enter number in the search box of Facebook. Use namefromphone.

She can't recall talking to someone for over an hour.

You're both adults. If this seriously is passing as an explanation and there's even a 0.5% you're buying it, then ?

Looks pretty cut and dry.

I dialed the number from her phone and it went straight to voicemail. When I tried dialing it from my phone it came up as non-functional.

I'm going to try it again tomorrow.

And leave a message.

Sounds like your number is blocked, but of course, hers is not. More fuel for suspicion. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Isn't this every BS's fear?

This is a good example of how after an affair many relationships change from a husband/wife dynamic, to a parent (BS) and teenage child (WS) dynamic.

Her saying she cannot recall a 1 hour conservation is akin to the teenager who comes home late and blames bad traffic....at 1:00am.

Of course it's bullshit.

If she is wanting you to believe she is in R with you, I think its time for a polygraph...it may be the only way to get to the bottom of it all, if you reall, really need to.

I'm not sure I would bother at this point.

I put my fWW on notice a long time ago that I may eventually want her to take a poly and she agreed without issue, and she also knows that if she balks or fails, we would be done.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 2:34 AM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

At this point I'm not sure there's a point for a poly,

I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this person is in my life.

No chance for R.

(((squid)))

I'm so sorry. She doesn't deserve you. And you deserve much better than her.

Isn't this every BS's fear?

It is for me. As far as I know the AP is not even in state. He's traveling but they're maintaining contact.

Her attitude and behavior totally indicates cheater mode. No I don't buy any of what she is saying. I'm simply baffled at the level at which she is trying to pull this off.

I've contacted a couple polygraphists in my area. That would be the only way past this. And I suppose changing her phone number. Ugh.

Yes, this parent-child dynamic is fucked up. My teenage DD is far less uppity than my WW. At least my DD knows when to concede to being truthful.

At this point, D is the most logical step.

Before WW went to bed, after this was over for the night, she said to me "This whole thing (the A) has really brought out the worst in us".

I said, "No, I think I'm acting exactly as someone who got cheated on should be acting". She smugly shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

Total look of relief.

Not a hint of humility.

[This message edited by squid at 5:13 AM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Squid,

My One of my AP's husband had her change her phone number. She sent it to me.

The depths of deceit that we waywards go to to hide the affairs is astonishing.

It sounds like the number being called is possibly a burner number. There are apps out there for smart phones that will assign random numbers and when you don't need them can be disposed of (note there is a legit use for this type of app. Craig's list merchandise transactions for one) But in your case I'm am postulating that this is not the case.

There comes a point when you have to quit being a waywards parent and realize you can't make them do this shit on their own. I am sorry that you are going through this. I realize the amount of pain we waywards cause and that is why I post here to give a flip side view of what is going on.

Right now I believe that she thinks she is in control of this and that you are going to finally just rug sweep this.

sorrowful,

I appreciate a WS perspective. I have considered a burner phone coming into play. What is likely is that this number is her AP's alternate phone, and she simply thought I wouldn't notice it because it's unfamiliar.

Last night while I was doing my due diligence, her behavior was that of nervous anxiety. Right up to the point I laid it to rest for the evening.

Her attitude and disposition this morning is EXACTLY the same as the morning I first outed her in her A. Exactly the same. Sullen and silent, like a child that just got busted sneaking money out her parent's piggy bank.

I said nothing to her this morning while I prepared the kids' lunches and made sure they were ready. And I said nothing as I left the house.

This show is over. I'm trying to get an appointment with an attorney for today or tomorrow and hopefully file in the very near future. The earlier the better.

I know her tune will be that she wants to work it out. And then that will likely change back to this shit show. But I'm pulling the plug on this shit show.

I told her before I went to bed that I won't eat shit anymore.

I cannot believe the liar that she has become. The person I once knew is gone. I'm in total anguish that I've lost the person I once loved so much.

I feel so broken.

Squid you aren't broken.

We waywards take that love and trust that are given freely and abuse it. We use our BS' own compassion, benefit of the doubt, and love and twist it into a weapon to hurt them.

What you are is hurt, and the person who did this is the one person you thought you could trust with your life.

This is her letter to me this morning after last night's happenings.

I feel alone. I feel that I don't belong anywhere. I have a different level of anxiety around you that's really bad, my chest hurts and I feel like I'm going to explode and I don't want to exist. I haven't figured out how to deal with this but I know I need space. I feel like a terrible person. I don't know how to talk you. I know reconciliation is not possible but I thought we could still have a decent relationship. I realize that is not possible either and that makes me sad and it's going to be hard to accept that. The inconsistency of your feelings affects me badly. I am confused about what you want and need. I wish I could give you peace but I know that is not up to me to give. Nothing I do can bring you peace and we have different ways of giving that to ourselves. I don't know that your way truly gives you peace but it destroys the little bit of serenity I have left. I think we have different realities and we are trying to convince the other to accept our own versions of it because we think it's the right one. I am very sorry for my presence in your life. I've ruined your life. Right now I'm just trying to get by without hurting you any further. I want you to know that I will always care about you and I hold on to the all the good that we had.

Thoughts? Mind you, this is after her suspicious, nervous behaviors of last night.

I've been very distrustful of her since D-day and I've told her exactly why. Now that this new/old behavior has returned, I feel like my suspicions are justified. Unless she can come up with a logical, verifiable story, I think I have reason to still be distrustful.

Should I call her on it?

Maybe open up the subject of a potential poly that could assuage my fears?

Gently, I'm not sure why you would spend a dime on figuring out what she is doing. A remorseful WS will want to speak with you to help the healing. The letter she wrote is all about her and then a wave goodbye so gallantly, so you can be free of her because you deserve more.

That IS WAYWARD thinking. My WS told me during the A he convinced himself that I would be better off without him, happier even. Um...sounds eerily similar.

I don't want to hurt you more. But she is telling you she is still cheating, IMHO. So sorry Squid.

(((hugs)))

IMO, she projecting.

She is trying to ease her guilt and allow herself to continue her cheating ways without feeling like the jackass that she is (sorry if that was harsh).

She is turning it around to say "sorry, I tried" without truly trying.

She is still in contact with the OM, she is still minimizing what she's done and has not gotten to the remorse stage at all. (google regret vs. remorse) it is spot on for your WW.

I know you want your life back, for you, for your marriage, for your family. I completely understand. But please don't ignore the reality of who your wife is showing who she is right now.

I am a firm supporter of doing whatever makes you feel safe or better today. So if it is a poly, do it. But what do you hope to discover?

She is still not acting as a remorseful WW and I don't believe her behavior will change without her truly "getting" what she's done.

Keep strong (you are doing great) and take it one day at a time.

Good luck.

I I I I my I I'm I I I I I I I I I me me I I I I I I I I I I I I

^^^^^^^ This... all about her

just pulled all the words out of what she typed.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 11:05 AM, April 26th, 2017 (Wednesday)]

I need space.

Translation: Its harder to see my boyfriend now that you are on to me.

I know reconciliation is not possible but I thought we could still have a decent relationship.

Translation: I don't understand how why you are mean to me after you found out that I was seeing other men in hotels

Adding clarifying facts to the next one:

I want you to know that I will always care about you (the free baby sitting, the extra money, a place to crash) and I hold on to the all the good (the free baby sitting, the extra money, a place to crash) that we had.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 11:17 AM, April 26th, 2017 (Wednesday)]

Blech, I know.

Blech, I wish I could wash this filthy taste out of my mouth.

I just want to make sure my judgement wasn't so clouded that I couldn't see what is right in front of me.

I've heard that perspective from another poster. She's using my pain and distress as an excuse for her inaction. "I tried, but you are just too emotional. I need space."

She honestly thinks I'm going to go off somewhere. When I said I needed some time away, man, she almost leapt encouraging me to "spread my wings".

What if I went hardline and said "I understand that you need space. Take whatever time you need. Go where ever you need to go. Please leave your phone as I will be suspending your number since I believe that you will be using this time to contact your AP."

She's almost entirely financially dependent on me.

I think it's rich that she claims to be confused about what you need. NC, honesty, and transparency are all very straight forward concepts and she's giving you none of them. The bit about conflicting realities and approaches to R is also a big red flag considering her ideal approach is to keep you in the dark about OM and her while you accept it. It sounds like a letter from someone still cheating who desperately wants you to look the other way and rugsweep.

She thinks if you "go off someplace" then she isn't the one that broke the marriage or "ended" it and she can use this as a way to minimize her responsibility in the demise of your marriage.

By space she needs time to play both sides. She wants the OM and her marriage with you too.

I would respond by saying "by space I am assuming that means you will be with the OM and I am not okay with that. If you want space that is your decision but I will interpret that as meaning our marriage is over."

When I first found out about my FWH's affair, I asked my IC if we should separate. She stated that if the end goal was to get from Illinois to Texas (from infidelity to reconciliation) at we could certainly go through Atlanta to get there but it wasn't the straightest path. Meaning if you both want to R, "time" or "space" can create more separation and avoidance.

I personally would not give her a heads up on your decision to shut off her phone. I would just do it if she leaves. Consequences of her actions/choices.

Keep moving forward and don't settle for her ridiculous excuses and behavior.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:58 AM, April 26th (Wednesday)]