SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

thepainisreal,

You are alot like I was when I first found out. You love your wife and family. You want to bear the cross for your wife. I understand it.

Let me say this. Your wife doesn't Love you. I know that is hard to hear, but when you love someone, you don't betray them. Doesn't mean this can't be fixed, but I think that is one reality we all have to come to accept. People who betray are acting in complete selfishness. They don't care about their spouses or their children. That is not love. Something is broken inside and probably has been for a while.

I will also say this... You HAVE to tell the OBS. Must. I didn't want to but it was the best thing I did. As many will say, it is the RIGHT and MORAL thing to do as well.

[This message edited by br549 at 6:28 PM, July 13th (Thursday)]

Thepain, I'm sorry you are here. Your story is very similar to many BH stories I've read since I started coming here last November. I encourage you to read as many BH stories as possible before you decide on a course of action. I think you will see that many BH, who successfully reconcile, take bold actions which put the M on the line. It appears to be the best way to determine if the WW is willing to do what it takes to fix things.

To find BH stories, you can go to Betrayed Menz thread in I Can Relate and click on the smiley face icon in the header of someone's post. Some profiles have backgrounds and others do not. You could also look for threads in Just Found Out. A relatively recent one that parallels (not exactly, but close) is the story of ManualGTR. His WW was all over the place between love bombing him and continuing the A, until he served her. Then she was oh-so-sorry, but the damage was done. Another useful one is Walloped's story. All are heartbreaking stuff, but if you can benefit from their trials and errors you should use it to your advantage.

Look at what the BH stories have in common and what gets the desired results. I think you will see that the advice being offered above is based on people knowing what works and what does not. We want you to get what you want, but know that the actions you are and aren't taking often lead to more suffering.

Good luck.

I know a lot of people on hear will say expose, and file for divorce etc. I may have been more on the co-dependent side when I discovered my wife's affair, but to this day, three years later, I have never told a soul. I did follow the 180, with the exception of confiding in anyone, but a therapist.

At first, when my wife was in the fog stage, she did not seem to care about who knew, and me, like you, I would think of the long term implications that it would have on friends and family turning against her, and what affect it would have on the kids.

As the weeks past, and she came out of the fog, she started to feel shame and regret for what she had done, and seemed to appreciate me more than ever, for not turning her in, so to say...

Do we have a perfect marriage now? No, we still fight occasionally and argue, like most married couple, but we she/we get over stuff a lot faster than we did in the past and move on. I believe my kids are a lot better off than they would have been if I would have exposed her, and we would have, in my opinion been divorced today.

I share your pain, and was in the exact boat you are in now, so just wanted to share my experience with you. Unfortunately she has given you the gift that keeps on giving. You will never get over it fully, although it will get better with time, you will still think about what she did from time to time, but hopefully if she does come out of the fog, and choose to stay with you, she may as my wife does, appreciate you more knowing you did not expose her. Best of luck to you.

Hey t Pain. SO very sorry you are here but you are definitely in the right place. I have a lot to say so sorry for the length of this post and bare with me.

First this...

one more thing. when i first found out, i wanted to tell his wife. but then i thought about his kids. i thought about her. i dont know her and i dont know him but i dont want to be even remotely responsible for unleashing that beast. i am a good person that probably cares too much.

i dont want others to hurt. i can take the pain and i can get through it. i dont see the good in destroying two families.

You do need to tell his wife wife for many reasons. First, it's great that you are thinking of his kids, but I have to tell you your not protecting his kids by not telling. In fact you are putting the kids in harms way. Not sure how old those kids are, but their father is a cheater. Chances are greatly stacked that some day, some how, those kids will find out. If the OBS (other betrayed spouse) finds out before her kids, she could arguably help put a stop to either the current A or a future A on her end. There are so many ways to get caught. Text, walking in on them, seeing them in public, etc etc etc. Chances of the kids finding out are magnified if the betrayed spouse doesn't find out first.

Ask me how I know? Because that's my story. I'm what's referred to as a BC (betrayed child). I'm pretty sure my younger brother who was 13 at the time found out first and left the evidence out for someone else to find. Either me or my father. Unfortunately I'm not able to ask him as he didn't make it past the age of 17 so I'm not 100% sure what he knew but I'm fairly certain he knew everything as the evidence points to it. I was the second to find out and being older, 16 at the time, I told my father. Can you imagine one of your kids coming to you and saying "Hey dad. I have something to tell you." Happens quite a bit as I'm not the only BC around here. Just one of the more vocal ones. But arguably Snowpeak, Morris, Caterpillar, and many of the other BC of many of the parents here could have been spared if the BS (betrayed spouse) found out first.

Secondly, exposing the affair is one of the best things you can do. As thrive in darkness. Much harder to get away with things when everything is out in the open. The OBS can certainly be an extra set of eyes on the situation. Most of the time watch how fast the AP (affair partner) throws the WS (wayward spouse) under the bus upon exposure.

I would also argue that there are almost 60K member here because someone didn't tell the truth or kept information to themselves.

Mostly, it's the decent humane thing to do. The OBS has a right to know what is going on in their relationshit just as you do. It's a shit job. Not one that you asked for. But does come as part of the shit sandwich you are forced to swallow. I strongly urge you to tell the OBS for everyone involved here.

Also! Don't tell her that you are telling the OBS. She'll tell her AP who will then try to head off anything you do. Plus, if she comes to you upset that you told, well how did she know about it? NC broken. More on NC below.

i dont want a divorce. not at all. i love this woman with every fiber of my being. she doesnt believe that i really want her. she went in 2 days from being all over me to telling me she didnt know if she wanted to be married. she couldnt believe how mean i was to her. that i called her a whore. that i tore her clothes. they were not on her body, mind you. they were in her closet. she is very sorry and embarrassed. but she doesnt know if she wants to be with me any more. literally days ago, she couldnt be away from me. fell asleep on my chest. showered with me.

she was protecting the depth of her lies with sex and affection. now that i know that she continued to lie, she says she doesnt know if she wants to go on.

No doubt she is flat out trying to manipulate you. Very standard and a play right out of the wayward play book. No one wants to look like the bad guy. I'm guessing especially your WW. Of course she is going to try and protect herself and go into self preservation mode. What she doesn't know or realize is that by doing this along with giving you TT (trickle truth) are often more of a marriage killer than the affair itself was. When she doesn't get what she wants, in this case for you to sweep the affair under the rug which is the absolute worst thing you can do, she manipulates you by cutting off affection to get what she wants. Fucking typical for a wayward when they are still trying to control the situation.

In this instance, you need to apply the 180. I will leave some links below. I strongly urge you to read up on the 180 and start to apply it because of he manipulation.

i love her and i want to go on. i dont want her actions to ruin our lives and our relationships. if this gets out, no one will look at her the same. yes, she brought it on herself and probably deserves it. i am still trying to protect her i do not want her humiliated even though she has humiliated me. i do not want to hurt her despite what shes done. i want to love her and figure out why she did it and do whatever i can to prevent it again.

Please don't sell yourself short by taking options off the table. You need to keep all your options open for you and especially for those kiddos of yours!! If your WW is not remorseful you will not be able to reconcile. If your WW is still in the affair you will not be able to reconcile. You are still in the early stages which is why you should not try to reconcile or divorce. Continue to analyze your situation as it plays out. Keep all options including divorce on the table. She has already left the marriage in which case you need to D. She needs to prove that she hasn't left the marriage and wants to remain. There is a shit ton of work your WW needs to do. She needs to get to the bottom of her why's or she will do this again. She needs to figure out why she is selfish and has piss poor boundaries or she will do this again. She needs to be able to tell you specifically how she has worked on herself to fix these things to make herself a safe partner or this will happen again. She can't just say it won't happen again because that never ever works. Check out the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. A good book for the boundary issues.

Your WW needs to face some serious consequences here. Not punishment but consequences. Doing the above is a good start for consequences but not everything that needs to be done. Gently here, you both also need to get tested for STDs before any more relations. Please do this for your health. For your kids to have healthy parents. Too many have come through here only to find out they have something later. There is an entire thread dedicated to it over in I Can Relate. Her affair partner cannot be trusted. Who knows where else he's been putting his dick.

Next up, and perhaps should be at the top of the list, you need to get to a lawyer asap! Rule 1 in the infidelity shitter. This does not mean you have to file for D!!! This is an education session for you. You need to know what your options are and what you are legally responsible for in your state. Each state is different. You need to know about D, separation, and yes even reconciliation if you were to stay. By going to a lawyer you will also get rid of some of the fear of the unknown. Please please please do this for you and your kids. Know how to protect yourself. Get your ducks lined up because if this thing goes south in a hurry you do not want to be stuck with your dick in your hand while your WW tortures you and the kids.

Next up, an NC (no contact letter) needs to be sent to the AP. You do this together!!! By doing so it marks a point in time where she is to truly have no more contact and she should face realistic consequences that you can do. Your WW is a lot like dealing with an addict so chance of breaking NC are high. You need those boundaries and consequnces in place and that starts with an NC message from both of you.

I figure I have talked your ear off here for a while. I will leave you with some links to get you started here on SI.

You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target threads here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with your WS:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Calling all BSs...:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479

Choosing an IC/MC:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948

So very sorry you are here tPain. Please keep reading and keep posting. We are here for you. I'm pulling for you and your kids.

yop

Thepainisreal - I'm so sorry you're here at the club no one wants to be a part of.

I just want to say that you've been given spot on advice from folks who know what they're talking about. I know it's hard to hear but believe me they are right. Folks come here and it's the same story over and over. Unfortunately this group has incredible experience in these matters. I know it doesn't seem like it, but consider yourself lucky. I didn't have SI when I needed it and likewise did it all wrong, just as you are now. And I say that very gently.

Keeping this a secret will be a total nightmare. The OBS needs to know the truth. It's only fair. It's also a health issue for her. That alone makes this so that there's no real choice.

I understand how much you want your M to get back on track. I do. The only way that will happen is if you take strong steps to learn the full truth, fully expose what she has done and put yourself in the driver's seat.

Remember, she is the one who betrayed the M, not you. This A is 100 percent on her.

Hang in there and I hope you'll take all of this advice to heart.

Thepain: I truly get that you love your wife and understand that you want to "make this right" and believe things can be good again. Oh boy, do I get it. Been there.

I don't believe anyone is telling you that there is absolutely no chance for a future with your wife. Some BS's know right away that this is a dealbreaker. Many others of us take the time we need to process and make informed decisions. And reconciliation is certainly a possibility.

What we are saying is that you must come to terms with the fact that the marriage you thought you had, is over. You may want to fix it, but until and unless your wife is willing and ready to do some very serious work, you could never do enough or love enough on your own. You are dealing with very serious fallout from her unilateral choices. Without consulting you, she made decisions that affect you and your children and she needs to own the choices and own responsibility for the pain she has caused. Until she is at that point, you can't even begin to work on true reconciliation.

Is she still involved with the OM? As long as any contact whatsoever between them continues, she is not working for, but rather against you, your marriage, your family and your future.

I agree with the observations regarding the messages your actions will send your children in the long run. As painful as the truth often is for all of us, you will do your kids a disservice by shielding them from difficult circumstances. Better to be honest (age appropriate) and teach them coping strategies. You don't want them to grow up to fear the truth and run from (or drink/medicate) pain away.

This sucks, doesn't it? Hang in there. Keep posting and reading here, even if you don't like or agree with everything said. We are here to support you, whatever your choice.

Strength to you!!!!

I hate that you're here, brother. I can feel your pain in your posts.

Please understand, doing what you're doing will only result in more pain, worse pain. Please, listen to the people here. Read the threads here involving WWs. Trying to "love her better than before" will only result in heartache. WWs prey on that! And like I've seen told to others on here literally thousands of times, your wife and your situation is no different.

My very very strong but respective suggestion is that you deeply deeply consider what the collective experience of 50,000 betrayed a are overwhelmingly recommending that you do.

Expose to her boyfriend's wife. If you don't then the affair will go underground. Period.

Generally speaking, if a wayward wife was mortified when caught then they may have stopped the affair, but if she is not crushed upon discovery then odds favor that the affair continues. Affairs create addictive feelings; weak people do not readily give up addictions until the are forced to do so.

Generally speaking, if the wayward is unremorseful and you want to reconcile, then you should destroy the affair by quickly outing it to all concerned and prepare yourself to divorce. Begging her back makes her lose respect and does not force her to choose. Only strength has any chance of success.

Generally speaking, if you want a divorce then keep the wayward's secrets as leverage and preserve their income stream (i.e., don't hurt their job prospects).

So, how is she responding now? If she is saying she does not know what she wants, then contact her affair partner's wife with no warning and blow up the affair.

If you want to save your marriage then disregard every post telling you to end your marriage. They're irrelevant in your case. Only focus on the ones telling you how to save your marriage.

So very sorry you are now this club's latest member. It sucks and you did not get a vote in the matter.

As for your marriage, it will cannot and will never EVER be the same, this will not ever go away. There is no time machine to turn back the life's events of the shit sandwich that was handed to you - that you did not order! There is no magic wand to make the now known into the unknown.

She is not the least bit remorseful. Cancel your weekend and work on YOU. Not HER!

Do the 180, get yourself an individual counselor (IC), find a lawyer, and find a friend you can confide in STAT. It will be the best gifts you can give yourself.

Do this for yourself and your children. Save yourselves and let her fend for herself. Get a strong anger built up to be able to stand tall and be the better person. Then become indifferent to her, do not play the 'pick me' dance. It simply does not work.

Tell the other spouse! They need to know, and it will only help your marriage if there is any shred of a chance of reconciliation. The sooner the better. You will feel much better after you do. This stuff grows and flourishes in secrecy. Bring it out into the light of day. The deception stops dead in it tracks when daylight hits it.

Get rest, eat well and get strong.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 9:14 PM, July 13th, 2017 (Thursday)]

I disagree, Cincy. If the wayward spouse is unremorseful on initial discovery, then those Betrayeds that act strongly and are prepared to lose the marriage have the highest chance of keeping their marriage. Sometimes filing for divorce WITHOUT ANGER is the best way to save the marriage. If they wayward has already checked out of the marriage it speeds the outcome and if they haven't then they see what they are losing. This does not apply when the wayward is remorseful.

But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

ThePain, once you are emotionally up to it, I encourage you to do some reading on JustFoundOut. Find threads with more than five pages. Read the original post by the Betrayed, then go to the last page and see how the story ended. See if you can find a handful of men that have stories similar to yours and see how they responded and how things ended up. You'll see surprisingly consistent patterns emerge. If they are unremorseful do not try to nice them back. If they are remorseful, then you have something you can work with.

this will sound about as naive as anything youve ever heard. she maintains that she didnt have sex with him and that the affair was non-physical.

honestly, i dont care. wouldnt make it worse or better. i believe that this guy is a child molesting pos. i believe that whatever he did to her when she was a little girl stuck with her. everything is so much more grand when you are young. i reminded her that when we met and she had been married for a year that she wanted to leave because he had cheated on her. she was positive. oh thats another thing, this sack of shit convinced her somehow over the past several months, after we have been married for 15 years, that he didnt in fact, cheat on her and somehow made her feel bad for leaving him.

she told me tonight that she "doesnt know what she feels." she "doesnt feel anything, other than bad. and tired."

i reminded her that I confronted her 2 weeks ago. it hasnt been that long.

yesterday, i walked into my sons room. he wasnt here. i sat on his bed, looked at his lifetime on his shelves. i held his pillow like it was him and i cried. i cried as hard as i can ever remember crying. harder than when my grandmother who helped raise me died when i was 14. when i was crying, i didnt know how i would stop. sucks being me right now. but you guys already know that.

on that note... i am not a person who frequents message boards. in fact, i dont recall how i even got here. maybe i googled "last website you ever want to visit" or something... anyway, i cant believe the time that you guys have all taken to advise. no matter the outcome of my situation, it is good (terrible actually) that there are ppl with experiences out there that are willing to try to help someone they will never know or meet. i assume it has to be therapeutic in some way. i really appreciate your response. they all have certainly helped me try to look at things differently.

i love her so much. the thought of being without her makes me want to walk into traffic (metaphorically).

i love her so much.

Sorry, you don't. You love the person you thought she was.

It took a while for this to sink in for me. After it did, I hoped that she would become the person I thought she was.

Then I discovered that she was even different person, than I thought she was after affair. Inception, anyone?

Hi I'm really sorry you are here. I believe you are in 'the fog'.. You can't think straight, nothing makes sense, you just want everything to be ok. I was so shocked with my husbands affair, I was convinced he was having a mental breakdown!. Best friends do not do this to each other she is lost and you are not responsible in any way. I was trying to fix us and he was going along for the ride telling me what I wanted to hear - out of guilt, shame, realisation of what he will loose? Who knows it wasn't enough. But you know it takes two people to make a marriage work. I think you just need time and your head and heart will catch up with each other. Look after you now, look after your kids, keep reading here. Tell the AP wife - don't collude with this secret - I did the ow husband thanked me. I would recommend getting some space between you because my husband magically made me feel ok when I was with him so I couldn't think straight. Only time and space made my fog lift, it took me 3 1/2 months to wake up but if I had posted on here it would have been much sooner! All the best

she maintains that she didnt have sex with him and that the affair was non-physical.

honestly, i dont care.

You should care. You have stated several times, correctly, that the lying has been more damaging than anything else.

thepainisreal,

You are in crisis mode at this point. The trauma and the shock are still being absorbed. You are reeling, particularly because your wife is NOT showing you that she is committed to you and the marriage. And that is probably what is most confusing and crushing to you at this particular moment---that you can't fix this on your own.

You don't see this right now, but it will eventually come to you: Respect plays a crucial role in who we are. It is hard to think of your wife as anything but a vulnerable partner that needs to be protected at any cost, but time is going to show you that this is not the way she should be treated. It is unhealthy for her. It is unhealthy for YOU. People of good character accept responsibility for their choices. She needs to own her mistakes, and you need to let her do so. The first instinct in a family crisis is to 'circle the wagons', which it appears that you have done, and continue to do. But fallout needs to happen, and if you continue to hinder that process, it will only cause more damage in the long run.

I am not telling you to expose to the world. I am not telling you to file for divorce today. But what I am suggesting is that you do tell the ONE person out of the husbands and wives who does not know what is going on in their marriage. The other man's wife has a right to know. Your wife infiltrated her marriage. You can hate this other man all that you want---he is a POS, and has infiltrated YOUR marriage. But for you to think that your wife is an innocent victim in this would be insulting to the other betrayed spouse.

So let her know....compassionately. As it was stated here, it is the right, moral thing to do. And again, DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. This conversation is for the two betrayed spouses only.

Think about it this way---what better way for you to possibly save your marriage than to be an honest, authentic person who is willing to stand up for what he believes is right?

If nothing else, the one piece of advice that I always give here is to stay involved on this site. Read, read, read....and post, post, post. As the initial shock wears off, you will see the value in the advice given here.

Good luck.

So sorry you find yourself here. You've been given great advice.

How did you find out? What's her story of the affair?

The number one lie around here is that they never got physical.

Did they kiss? Did they hug, then it was physical.

So two grown people who've had sex in the past didn't do anything this time?

The very small pieces of the story you've given us don't add up.

I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm trying to make you see things logically.

You say that whether they had sex or not doesn't matter. Maybe. Maybe not.

What kills a marriage in this situation is the almost certain lying or TT(trickle truth).

Almost every BS(betrayed spouse) comes on here with the same story of it never getting physical. 99.9% find out much later that it was way worse than you could imagine. We've lived this shit storm.

As YoP stated (one of our most respected members), find a story longer than 5 pages in the JFO "just found out" forum.

Look for similarities. Almost everyone of stated out like you are and do the pick me dance. It never works.

Change of subject, what are you doing to take care of your self?

One of the things you mention is not sharing with someone. This could have long term affects in you mentally and physically. Our bodies respond to stress through physical ailments. Keeping the stress to oneself can lead to permanent damage.

I here one of my children crying right now, so I'd like to check back in with you later.

God bless and listen!

Please spend some time today to find a good therapist that has experience with infidelity to work with you through all your emotions.

There is no shame in that. You need someone IRL (in real life) to work through this with.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:27 AM, July 14th (Friday)]

i love her so much. the thought of being without her makes me want to walk into traffic (metaphorically)

We have all been there. The anguish is debilitating.

The confusion is paralyzing.

The disbelief is staggering.

But as your head begins to clear and as you can begin to truly process what she has done, so much of what you are now holding as truth will change.

So, the many suggestions that you are currently receiving, to step back and give this a little time, are quite wise.

And please, tell the OM's wife. He is making unilateral decisions for her and her family and she has the absolute right to know. Do not tell your wife that you plan on doing this.

You do not know up from down - through no fault of your own. This pain and confusion is all at the hands of your wife. We know this realization is brutal but sadly, it is the truest truth.

Keep reading and posting. This community cares for you.

Been there, done that. You can't make her choices for you.

My WW has been adamant she hasn't had sex with her new AP, but we both know she has several times before I found out, and in the days since as she spends her nights with him.

I did the cover up thing to R. My kids tore into me for that when they found out this time. I would not encourage hiding it. Yes, exposure has its downsides, but hiding sets the stage for a repeat performance by removing consequences.

I know you're in a horrible place, and the feelings will be overwhelming. You want this to work, but it sounds like she is still trying to protect herself and manage you. Make sure your not being gaslighted.

I would second most all the things I read on the first page of responses. While they may sound harsh, making it through R isn't easy. Whether she chooses to R or pushes you to D, you can make it though this and be okay in the future.