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she and her sister had planned a getaway. they planned to stay in the hotel together. i know the sister stayed at the hotel. the dick came down and got another room. i do not know that my wife and he didnt sleep together. i assume the worst, but i saw my wife break when she told me what she claimed to be the truth. she gave in. nearly collapsed. unless she is the best liar in the world, which she very well may be, i believe her. in her mind, she knew the sneaking and lying was wrong, but she didnt cross the sex line. she argued that simply hanging with the guy wasnt that big of a deal and that she knew it was wrong and that i wouldnt approve but it wasnt an affair, nor was it cheating. i have since convinced her otherwise.

the sister lives in that city in a suburb. she and my wife went to her house on the last day. she dropped the sister off, met the guy at a store then followed him halfway home. they sat in a gas station parking lot then drove to his house that was an hour and a half away. again, she was there for 5 minutes. this is documented.

When I read your posts I see myself in them over and over again. It's really amazing how this sort of thing repeats itself.

I buried my head in the sand for YEARS ignoring the signs and hoping she wasn't having A's behind my back. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I wish I had found SI through a google search back then.

I understand why you're hesitant to take all the advice you're getting here. I think I would have been the same, and I consider myself a strong, level-headed logical guy. I'm a lawyer so I was trained to think in a certain way.

If you did nothing but follow the overwhelming/consistent advice you're getting here, your result, whether ultimately D or R, will be 10 million gazillion times better. I hope you'll find a way to look at this objectively and do so. I know how hard it is brotha'. Remember that folks here have seen this play out so many times, and know exactly what they're talking about.

What are your thoughts on calling her sister about that trip?

I've thought about calling the sis. I may, but it's too raw right now. I might go through the phone.

Remember, none of this is the sister's fault. None of this is your fault. You may hate the AP too, and want to blame, but he didn't take vows to be faithful to you when you married your WW. So it isn't really his fault either. It isn't easy, but you need to put the blame where it belongs.

Also, if this was so innocent, why did she tell him where she was staying on her trip with her sister?

Because she was having an affair and wanted to see him.

Ugh.

Thepainisreal. BINGO.

I'm so sorry.

Strength

You hurt my heart, the painisreal. I really mean that. It's like I see you standing on the train tracks with the train bearing down on you, and I know you're going to get crushed but you simply refuse to listen to warnings.

But, here is the thing. It's been, what, a week? Man, you are so hurt and damaged right now that you can't think straight at all, much less take decisive action. I get that. I think we all do. Still, you have to know she is still lying to you. Do you really believe the story about the hotel and that nothing physical happened? After spending the weekend together at the hotel, they needed to pull over and talk for another hour before going home? And, all they did was talk? Then, they still couldn't let go and had to run by his house so she could take a five-minute peek? Does that make sense to you?

Do you truly believe she has stopped all contact? You said yourself you learned they also communicated via her work phone.

In your shoes, I guess I would have to call the sister, but I doubt your wife used her as an alibi without clearing it with her first. The sister might like you, but it's doubtful she'll betray family.

There will come a time, hopefully soon, when you reach some clarity. If you're lucky, that will lead to a healthy dose of anger, and you'll decide you're not OK with being treated this way. Sooner or later, you're going to have to let her know she is free to do anything she wants. But, not as your wife. If she wants to stay married to you, she's going to have to work really hard to regain your trust. It will take a long time, and so far she doesn't seem up to the effort. Maybe she just needs to know what's at stake. So far, she (and I suspect her boyfriend as well) seem to be just waiting for you to finish sweeping all this under the rug, then they can pick up where they left off.

That's my biggest worry with the direction you're headed. There's still time to take control of the situation. She has done a truly awful, hurtful thing, and I'm not sure she's all that remorseful. In fact, if she hasn't hit her knees and begged you to forgive her and promised to do whatever it takes to fix it, she's a long way from being a safe partner.

Train tracks, dude. Sooner or later, you gotta move.

met the guy at a store then followed him halfway home. they sat in a gas station parking lot then drove to his house that was an hour and a half away.

they sat in his car for an hour

I'm sorry, but I don't believe they just sat in a gas station parking lot to talk. If all they wanted to do was talk, then they had the 1 1/2 hour drive to his house to do so. If her sister was staying at the hotel, then this was the only time they really had available to get physical.

Thepain, yep that's what I was thinking too. It sucks, but dealing with the facts will benefit you in the long run.

Also, if you start picking apart her story with her and she begins to admit they, "just kissed", do not allow her to stop there. I think you are being trickled truthed (TT) and that is the next logical admission for her to make. As much as you'll want to believe it, that is in all likelihood another lie.

Have you read up on the 180 yet? I think you should give it a read to help you protect yourself before your next conversation with her.

Brother.

I sent you a PM. Please let me know if you can't find it.

I know the answer to WHY is always impossible to get answered but do you have an inkling as to why she would choose to do this with the one person who treated her so awfully in the past and why her sister would help facilitate it?

i have reminded her of this. i fucking asked if is she took him to prom but of course she didnt he was almost 25 years old!

when i go back over the things she told me about him in the beginning, she recognizes that he is a terrible person and really only cares about himself. at least thats what she says.

part of me thinks she is grieving over what shes done and how she feels about herself and another part thinks she knows that she will never talk to him again or i will reverse the spin of the earth on her.

she wont use her phone. shes going to have to be even smarter than she was before if she wants to continue. but then again, im smarter now too. ive got trackers on her phone and her car, but she knows that. the only time that she can talk to him or be near him is during the day. If she contacts him again, I will find out and i will unleash a fury that noone has ever seen. she will literally have to move out of this town.

wow that sounds so aggressive and im a relatively passive person.

we had lunch today. it was nice. she kissed me on the cheek and told me she loved me when she got out of the car.

I hope i (we) prove every one of you wrong. i hope that she and i are the exception. i hope that i am strong (or stupid) enough to carry this weight and let it go. i hope she never does anything like this again.

hope, hope, hope. Fuck it. at this point, i dont feel as though i have anything to lose.

seriously, FML.

why have you not asked her for a poly? She should be thrilled to take one to help clear her in your eyes...they're very common around here you know..

[This message edited by learning9433 at 2:12 PM, July 14th (Friday)]

Thepain, please read as many BH stories as you can on here. You will see that your situation, her actions, and your reactions aren't that rare at all. No one here likes telling you these things. We do it because we want the pain to stop sooner than later for you. We'd actually all love to be wrong, but have seen it all play out enough times to realize we probably are right.

A story you might find particularly useful is that of Barry22 (I think that was his screen name). It is currently unresolved, but you can see where his inaction was leading him and it was not pretty. I will suggest other stories if I can remember them.

Why have you not asked her for a poly? She should be thrilled to take one to help clear her in your eyes

This. I am really sorry for you TPIR. Of all the times we heard a story like it inevitably comes out that there was a full physical affair. It does seem like most affairs follow a pattern. Sadly, there are no, "snowflakes," in infidelity.

Again, sorry man. We are here so you can benefit from our collective failures. The lunch thing ? She is love bombing you hoping that will be enough to sweep this under the rug. She will be try to be uber wife for a few days hoping this "just goes way." She runs from problems or ignores them. That much is apparent in your posts.

You need to find out what really happened before you can figure out what you want to do. Your W is proven liar and like a proven liar should not be trusted. Actions are the only thing that can't be faked. Talk is cheap.

What has your W actually done ? Not said she would do, but actually did ?

Lastly I know you sre still early on in this ride from hell. Hope can a great motivation to get you out of bed in the , but hope is not a strategy.

Infidelity is not like anything else. You can't just "hope" everything works out for the best. Immediately after dday the absolute worst thing you can do it nothing.

Sorry man. We all understand. We've all be there. You need to have a plan or a strategy. You need something to keep you going.

So what is your next step ? One step at one time. Focus on that. What is your next step to get yourself out of this hell you find yourself in ?

IC ? Attorney? Polygraph? Calling her sister (blood is thicker than water mind you) ? Calling OM wife ?

Focus on yourself right now and worry less about your W. This is nothing but survival.

Next. Logical. step.

I just bumped the stories of 3 BH (ManualGTR, yankees99, and barry22) to the front page for you, Thepain. I encourage you to read all of the OPs posts in each thread to see how they progressed from where you are right now. See if you notice any similarities to your WW's behavior and their WWs' behavior. If you do, ask yourself how they got their WWs to come around. In each case, trying to nice them back failed (miserably). I'll excuse myself from your thread at this point because I think my points and positions are clear, and you will likely need some time to digest it all. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 2:37 PM, July 14th (Friday)]

again thank you all so much.

only have a message board to turn to is the most bizarre feeling i have ever had, but its oddly comforting. whether i take anyones advice or not, i really appreciate the attentiveness. you all are helping me digest this and honestly, i couldnt appreciate it more.

in actuality, i would expect that she is in the process of getting an attorney and will probably file in the near future. while i hate to say it, shes a good liar. once her lies (or at least most of them) were exposed she turned on me. shes cold, absent and dismissive. she doesnt want to talk about anything of substance and if i try to get her to she gets angry or sad and says she wants to be alone and that she has no space. she just wants to be left alone.

i should have made my screenname fucking miserable.

you guys are awesome.