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Time for the 180 my friend. Read the healing library. She should NOT be working with the OM. She is continuing the affair. I was in your shoes for 23 days, the 180 saved my life, and I'm not being dramatic.

Ozbetrayed Friend

Surely you are a good man, but your WW cares little, you lack respect and do not hesitate to humiliate yourself. Follow the advice of people who have a lot of experience here.

I think you are thinking, as many have happened to us, that if you show how good you are to your WW, she will realize her mistake.

I'm sorry to say that will not happen, because obviously he has not respected you for a long time. She only respects her OM.

I apologize if I sound hard, but many who followed your way suffered three more times and lost valuable time to recover.

You care, eat, do gymnastics and start seeing yourself as someone who has been betrayed in the worst way, that you did not choose this shitty sandwich that you have been given. I assure you that when you regain your confidence in you you will see that there are green pastures.

Hugs and a lot of strength that you need

I want to be the bigger person.

Just stop there...go back and follow the good advice you are getting here, otherwise she will continue to see you as weak and foolish, and she will walk all over you from now on.

The only way you are going to have a good relationship with her is if you take charge and make good decisions for you and your kids...stop being passive, it will do nothing to improve your future relationship with her or your children.

By being passive you are setting a bad example for your children to see...letting them see that their mother's behavior is acceptable and normal, and that as a husband and father you should be passive and weak.

STOP IT!!!

Friend OrdinaryDude:

Excellent advice, I think the majority here tries to get you out of your good boy position. If he stops at that attitude, he will suffer a lot. regards

Strength brother, it is tough and SI is here for you, you are not alone, good that you came here.

Your topic title suggests that you are still in doubt about whether pulling the pin would be the correct decision, she does not make you feel safe and she made you 2nd choice, those are clear facts, so yes you have enough reason to pull the pin. On the other hand, it has only been 2 weeks after Dday now, ideally she would have immediately stopped the affair but such things are not always easy to do even if she wants to. Feel the power that you have, yes you can leave the relationship, that knowledge and self-confidence is strength, just as your expressed willingness to give it another try with her.

Now, the thing is, you should not ask yourself "Would it be the correct decision?" but "What actions should I take and why?".

It is a social dynamic, and agree with Phantasmoria, your wife has a boy toy and/or is a girl toy and she respects you less because of it. Sabotage the affair and make the affair costly to her and them. Expose to HR and family and OBS, serve her divorce papers (you can cancel later), only negative consequences for her and them will help you, plus 180, go that direction.

Finally, read as much topics and responses here as you can, it will educate and be helpful to you, knowledge plus action is power, and you have it in you to do it.

I wish you well, strength brother!

I'm very torn.

I am a humble person who will take advice from people who know better.

It really strikes me at my core to do something that I know will cause her pain.

The logic is clear, I get it.

I need to put myself first and show that her behaviour is unacceptable. I also love her and want her to be happy too.

I've got a fair bit of thinking to do as to how I handle myself from this point forward. I think I need to push the issue about Friday night and really consider where this relationship is at.

Love you all

I need to put myself first and show that her behaviour is unacceptable.

This is correct, to protect both you and your children.

I also love her and want her to be happy too.

This is good and honorable, but remember what she has done to you and to your marriage, and now to your childrens' lives. Until you have come to agreement on R or have a D settlement, she deserves no respite from you.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 1:15 AM, August 28th (Monday)]

BTW, unless I missed it in the comments somewhere, please take some time to read in The Healing Library, linked in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the page.

Also, read The Tactical Primer thread at the top of this forum.

Sorry you are here Oz....

I would also caution you on keeping your WW's A secret.

I understand your thought process of taking the high road and being the bigger person......

But these feelings are predicated on your view of your WW as the woman you have loved, and has loved you, for years.....

That woman no longer exists....the selfish traitor who has not only hurt you, but continues to hurt you despite seeing the pain and anguish you are in, THAT is who she is now.

Why does this matter to your silence?

Others....friends, family, eventually your kids.....are going to eventually and inevitably ask 'Why?' when you two get D.

I suggest you do some reading of threads on here of others who had similar situations and similar feelings of not wanting to expose the A to others.....

In many, if not most, of those cases......the BS soon discovers that the WS has painted the BS as a controlling monster or asshole.....and this as the cause of the D.

The BS finds themselves as the shunned one who everyone is angry at or blaming.....

And this is the story that will eventually get told to their own children as well....

Why does this happen?

Because WS's are truly that selfish....they will do anything to avoid blame and responsibility for themselves.

This happens in too many cases.....

Bad enough to be betrayed.....but then to have the WS ruin YOUR reputation and place all the blame for the D and M breakdown on YOU is too much to tolerate IMO.

Don't be that BS....

As others have said.....expose the A to both your families and all friends.....

This situation is HER fault....not yours.

Let her bear the consequences.

Just an observation

She's asked me about it the next morning. I told her I'm angry and upset, I didn't want to keep her awake and I cried myself to sleep.

You're a nice guy. I don't know you, you could be hard as nails but you're a nice guy.

All through out this false R, you've been way too accomodating, as is the case upon dday happened your WW was scared she was going to lose everything, but by accomodating her still working with the OM (hence the affair isn't over and yes she was with him that day because really everything is out in the open what other logical excuse that cannot be verified by anyone else other than she sat in an alley crying?)

So now juxtapose this supposed sorrow against her reaction later on. She's supposedly sorry but immediately upon learning you were mad and crying she actually get mad at you. Doesn't make sense right? Except it does.

She was initially scared but you being lenient and she started to push back and fall into her wayward behaviour. So now she's caught, she's not out the house, seen OM past work and made a bullsh*t excuse and what does she get.. "I went upstairs to cry"

At this point you're not even competing for her affections with the OM anymore, at this point this effort it took to hide everything is gone.

Until you love and respect yourself, how can she respect you? If you want your wife to have a boyfriend then let her continue to work with the OM and let her keep coming home late with nonsense excuses. If you don't want your wife to have a boyfriend then give her consequences for her actions. She can have a boyfriend, just not married to you. She can stay out late but not in your house. Stop tolerating and start putting your foot down or the only person losing will be you.

Having said that, I don't want to hurt her, have her fired, or give her reason to hate me, manipulate my kids or make my life difficult in the future.

I won't feel better outing her to friends and family. Despite the horrible thing she has done, I want to be gracious. I want to be the bigger person. I want to have a good relationship with her.

I will graciously inform her that our marriage won't proceed and it's for the best for both of us.

Having her fired or embarrassed in front of colleagues, friends and family has no positive outcome.

I've been reading men's stories about being cheated on for almost 5 years now. Not just on this site but 2 others as well. In addition to witnessing the infidelity in my own family and the fallout with how things were handled.

Your Nice Guy approach? Being the bigger man and all that? Looks good on paper and sounds great in theory, but it never works out for the man. Not in real life.

The only thing that approach is going to do, is let your wife know she can do whatever the hell she wants, treat you however the hell she wants, discard her family and destroy her children's family/stability at no cost to herself. And her behavior will become even worse and more entitled because of it.

In order for you to have a respectful relationship with your wife, that does not mean being a doormat and trying to protect her from the consequences of her actions for the sake of getting along. Your wife completely fucked you over. She's broken up her children's family. She's helped break up another family. And you trying to be Mr. Nice Guy is not going to make any of this better or easier. Not for yourself, and not much for your children.

I understand your mentality mentality but it's completely wrong. It's not about embarrassing your wife. It's not about making you feel better. It's about her facing consequences for her actions so she thinks about her actions before she makes them in the future.

Covering up what your wife has done, trying to protect her, and keep everything under wraps is doing her no favors either. She won't have a Come To Jesus moment and realize what a super awesome nice guy you are and act accordingly. She's just going to walk all over you even harder. She'll feel entitled to because you're basically going to let her. And your kids are going to pick up on it. And when you do split and they wonder why, I assure you your wife is not going bend over backwards trying to protect their relationship with YOU the way you are willing to lie down and do for her. Not going to happen. Seen this play out WAAAYY too many times with guys who think they can play it safe the way you want to do. It. Does. Not. Work.

At the end of the day it's up to you, but you need to expose. Like yesterday. Family, friends, HR and make sure you have hard evidence when you do. Because you think she's lying now, I promise you, you haven't seen anything yet.

There have been plenty of guys here who take your approach only to come back weeks, months, and in some cases years down the road saying we were right and they should have listened, exposed, and laid down consequences at the start. But like I said it's up to you. Some betrayed men just have to learn the hard way.

[This message edited by JS84 at 1:46 AM, August 28th (Monday)]

Heeey fellow Aussie!

Sorry you are here but this is truly the best place you can be. Please listen to the guys here, they honestly know what they are on about.

At the moment you are working on the assumption that if you play nice and not expose or give her consequences that she is going to give you an amicable divorce and the ability to coparent respectfully. You are assuming that she will somehow regain her integrity, honesty and humility because you are calling it quits. The reality- she is still going to have her head up her arse, she is still going to be selfish and she is still going to take advantage of what she perceives as your weaknesses. If there are no consequences for her behaviour then there is no reason for her to play nice. Think of her as a child right now, if you never call them out on their behavioir then they take more and more from you.

So this is where you draw the line and you say- i will be fair but I will not be walked over. Exppse this posom to his partner if he has one. She deserves to know that jer lofe is a lie just like you did. Expose to your family. Not the gory details just that you are divorcing due to your wife having a bf she won't give up. She is in fantasy land right now where there are rainbows and unicorns. You just want to burst the bubble and bring her back to reality if for nothing else then that her kids deserve a mother with her feet in reality. Your children need you to demonstrate to them that if they are treated badly by someone they don't just have to roll over in the name of being a good guy. They need to stand up for themselves and demand to be treated with respect.

Please, I beg you to follow the advice here, it truly is spot on and if there is even a slight chance you still want R, this is the only chance you have, being mr nice and understanding has not won your ww back yet has it?

We're here, read some of the other stories, be strong.

After reading many post from bs I really believe that a ws working with om/ow will likely never work if a R is desired by the bs. NC is impossible in this case.

I know you say you are done, but when you see her crying and begging for a second chance, you will doubt yourself and will probably want to believe that she now gets it, that this is the real her. Is less likely that she will just say "ok Im done too", it could happen but less likely that she will admit it, she will say look he is the one that wants to end the marriage.

Now the mistake you were making is that you were kind of doing the "pick me dance", as many members will tell you it never works. I know you say you don't want to expose her, but you better, because if this gets ugly she will portrait you as a bad husband and some people will believe her, including her family. You need to show her that adultery has consequences (be the bigger person).

Ozbetrayed. -- I am very impressed with your ability to be graceful and respectful even though she does not deserve it. I too would handle things this way. It's not easy but it will make for less stress or regret later. Your children will also be grateful. It takes a strong person to be the bigger man.

I am very sorry you are here I hope you find peace and happiness soon. Good luck with whatever happens!

Hey Oz,

So sorry to see you here, but you will get great advice on what to do save yourself from going insane.

I'm also going through this hell. 4 kids and 2 step kids I've raised from babies. And then 4 months ago found out my fiancé was having an affair, and it had been going on for several months. Worst pain I have ever experienced. And showing her that pain just seemed to give her pleasure.

I then took a hard stance and managed to get her to break off the affair. She is now NC past 6 weeks but I'm still seeing nothing that resembles remorse, so like yourself Im rapidly closing in on a conclusion that I will have to be the one to walk away. And I absolutely hate that this mess will impact the kids, but I also can't just sit around waiting for her to do this to me again.

Take some time to gain your strength and composure - follow the 180 guidelines, and then watch her actions. Don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth...it's all about what they do. You will know if you should bother with reconciliation, you're gut will tell you, but be prepared for your heart to lag behind.

Cheaters are so fucked. They leave nothing but pain and destruction once they abandon their ethical obligations to their faithful partners and children. Selfish arseholes.

If you're in Sydney let me know...I'll buy you beer and help you get comfortable with your venting (trust me, your anger stage is waiting round the corner for you )

Keep strong mate, you did nothing to deserve the shit sandwich you've been served.

Hey OZ

All good advice from others. I too tried to be calm and understanding and patient. The thanks i got was DDay2 w/ same OW months later AND demands (again) for a D.

Yes after 25 years of M I was being kicked to the curb for a much younger woman.

However I have to tell you that when I had enough and told my CH I was divorcing him AND he had to leave me & kids because our M was over - well that was the moment it all changed.

The A was over - no contact and he has worked hard every day in the last 4 years to make amends.

He did not care he destroyed our lives during the A - I was trying to be understanding and supportive. But to watch your spouse have an A in front of your face is devastating. And he mentioned D a number of times to me - the last time being the worst.

And finally I wised up and no longer cared about him or his feelings or his mid life crisis.

Your W is crying b/c she cannot be with the AP or she " loves" him and misses him when they are not together. That is what you are witnessing. Her pining away for him. Her desiring him and not being able to have him 100%.

my H used to sit in our house or driveway and talk to OW. He texted her from our bedroom telling her to hang on - he was getting a D. After an long emotional night he texted her from our bedroom while I was still with him in the bedroom. So yes the CS will exhibit the most egregious behavior.

And when I finally told him I was done with him - things changed immediately. He knows I will no longer tolerate it and has done everything to make amends.

It is OK to say to your W you know the A has been ongoing and she has 24 hours to make a decision. And no further discussion about A or facts or denial of it is necessary. Leave the room if she starts down the justification path or lying path or denial path. Tell her this is her opportunity to be honest - and then act sccirdingly.

If she lies or denies or is less than 100% truthful - you have your answer and direction. You will be wasting your time in MC with someone who cannot be honest at all.

Best of luck. Get your power back.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:29 AM, August 28th (Monday)]

I support you taking charge of your life and moving on as you see fit. If there is to be a D then don't ask her if she wants to D, tell you that you are D'ing her and give her the real reason that you are moving on with your life without her. It's fine if you wish to keep the truth under wraps but don't do it for her, do it for you and your kids. She doesn't deserve any sympathy from you. Take care of yourself.

If you truly want to be the better person you MUST tell the OBS. It's the only right thing to do. It's not about punishment, it's not about revenge - it is about doing the right thing.

Hi OZ, I'm sorry you had to find us. Your Dday is so recent, your emotions will be all over the place, totally normal. Your WW does not sound remorseful given her actions. My WW was "remorseful", told me she would do anything to save our M, etc. yet I still had the joy of TT for nearly a year. All the things you are observing are huge red flags. As others have said, trust your gut my friend. A notice of D will either snap her back to reality or she will go along with it if this was truly a way out for her. Stay strong brother.

Oz,

First, two things.

1. You must tell the OBS if there is one. Do not argue, don't think up reason why you can't, just do it. That is the first rule of SI, those that fail to do this first step always regret it.

21. She cannot work with the AP. It will not end, or it will happen again. We have all seen it a hundred times here.

That being said,

I'm not an ass. I want to have a good relationship with her in the future. After all we have 2 young kids together, but I need to consider the rest of my life.

I can be an ass! If my wife is bangin' some guy at work, and throwing way all we have worked for, and putting my health at stake and forgetting about our children, oh, I will be a really big ass.

You have the "Nice Guy" syndrome. IT IS THE KISS OF DEATH. Believe me, from one nice guy to another. This site is scattered with mangled dead bodies of "nice guys" that didn't want to hurt their cheating wives. Repeat after me, You cannot "nice" your spouse back into the marriage. It sounds good, but it simply doesn't work.

Lately there's been three or four BH's come through here that simply refuse to the basic steps. 3 months and 500 post later they have done nothing but drove them self crazy.

It really strikes me at my core to do something that I know will cause her pain.

This stuff makes me tear my hair out, and I ain't got that much left, bro. She didn't stop for a moment before she dumped this pain on you, did she?

Trust the people here. Do the 180. You must take charge of this. I can't stand to see another "nice guy" go down in flames.