SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe the place to start is asking yourself why it's bugging you that you hate the AP? I hate every bitch who interfered with my marriage, and you know how much sleep I lose over it?... none.

These things are apples and oranges. My fWH isn't magically absolved of his responsibility to the vows he made to me. But does he get the counterweight of everything good he ever contributed to our relationship?... yeah, he does. The OWs never did a damned thing for me. Instead, they helped to cause tremendous harm to me, a person who never did any wrong to them, a person they didn't even know. They've done nothing to earn my forgiveness and even if they did, they wouldn't get it. They're common muggers, just taking whatever they want and not giving a shit if the gun goes off while they're pistol-whipping their victim.

I don't bother myself about forgiving OWs. They WANTED my enmity. It was all succulent drama for them, fuel, triangulation where they could "win" some pathetic external validation (and money, let's not forget the money).

So, while I'd never give one the satisfaction of any further triangulation, I'm not going to get down on myself for my own valid feelings on the subject. They're MY feelings. They aren't actions and they're not wrong. I'm allowed to feel however I want for as long as I want. I've spent a lot of hours in therapy learning to accept the internal validity of my own feelings and not to inhibit or censor myself. Feelings ebb and flow. When I invite them in and observe them, I find myself in a better position to allow them to pass when they're ready to go. When I stop them at the door, they pound on it looking for entrance.

There's NOTHING fair about infidelity. It doesn't matter that I hate the OWs but I don't hate my fWH. The scales don't have to balance with them because I'm not in relationship with them. I choose to be in relationship with my fWH, so that's the scale which matters. The OWs can go get their own fucking scale.. or burn in hell, whichever suits them. I don't care.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:23 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

DIFM hit the nail on the head. OM owed me nothing at all. Wife allowed EA. But I do admit that i have been tempted to confront him.

Because we don't want to believe that our spouses did this willingly or were the ones to initiate. We want to believe they were led astray while the truth is they made the choice to go there.

I hate the AP for all that she shared with WH. For the years they had together that were carefree and fun and filled with great times, excitement and sex. For the fact that rather than me receiving his efforts at working on our marriage, he put them towards her instead. For her having the best version of him the whole time and never knowing his other side. I hate her because for a long time she was all that mattered.

The list goes on.

NTV is right, it's easier to direct the hate at someone you don't know as opposed to someone you do. Especially a spouse.

I can only speak for me. I knew my wife for 10 years before her affair. I loved her madly for 10 years. The AP and I did not have that type of relationship. He was a friend only. I accepted my wife back because I love her, and she was remorseful and wanted to repair the marriage she destroyed. The AP was a dawg. My wife's name for him now is "bastard boy". I allowed him to move in because he was on hard times and he took that time to pursue my wife, knowing she was married. She failed me. I get that 100%. She is totally the blame for her affair. But he, being a friend, became my enemy once he did what he did. He knew us, he pursued her, and tried to get her to leave me. He is the villain. He will always be.

I must be one of the few that doesn't hate the AP. I see her as pathetic. I am sure I would feel differently if she were a friend of mine. I hope she has addressed her brokenness.

We accept the WS back with open arms during hysterical bonding and villainize the AP with names years into R.

LOL...not all of us do.

I see the WS exactly for what they are and about the LAST thing I'd do is have sex with my cheater and reward him for his shit behavior. Ain't happening on my dime.

I wonder myself how the AP somehow becomes Public Enemy #1 and deserves to be shot at dawn while the WS is being rewarded with Hysterical Bonding and not being tossed out of the house on their sorry asses for all the crap they pulled.

I don't get it either.

In my case, I villainized the AP because she was the outside threat to my marriage and family. I still saw my then-husband and I as a unit.

It was hard to accept that the threat to my family was actually the one sleeping next to me. After finding out how many girls he was checking on fb and in real life, I had no choice but to accept it.

I’d say it’s a defense mechanism, healthy or not. If a BS wants to try and forgive the WS, they will actively place rage and displaced hatred to try and insulate feelings for the WS.

I think there is a HUGE difference between an AP who knew tHe WS was married, and an AP who had no idea. How can I blame the guy who didn’t know better? I can blame the guy who knew WS was married, and decided he had the right to violate the boundary, whether he knew me or not. We all live by a code right?

If a WW threw herself at me, and I knew she was married, as much fun as sex is, I’d have respect enough for the husband to not cross the line. I wouldn’t fashion myself as better or more deserving than the husband, and I wouldn’t feel entitled. But that’s the crux. BS hate APs who knew the WS was married, and especially APs who knew who the BS was on a personal level, because it’s disrespect and a slight. It’s offense, because the BS knows the AP fashioned themselves as worthy of the WS, and superior somehow to the BS.

My ExW OM really thought he was better than me, otherwise he wouldn’t have pursued. And when I called him out, he dismissed me as not a concern. That was foolish of him to believe, and I made him pay dearly.

I only hate the MOW because of her harassment and lies about me after Dday and for months after FWH ended it. She didn't care that she was breaking up a family during the holidays. And her smugness about the A - no remorse. I don't have any respect for any waywards though including FWH. Maybe it's judgmental but I don't care - if you have an affair, IMHO you have a character flaw. Only remorse and doing the work can correct that and I do believe people can change if they want to.

BTW - I knew not to go out with other girls' boyfriends even in high school. It's called treating others as you would have them treat you.

Its easy to hate someone that you have never loved. It's easier to want to remain with someone who you have loved and shared a family with. The love doesn't just die because they hurt you....I thought it would, but it doesn't.

AP though? I certainly never loved her, I never liked her. I have no previous feelings for her that remain.

I am not sure if I a making any sense with what i am saying.

WH didn't get a pass. He got HB, but that was for me, not for him. Its what i wanted. He was just the happy recipient. It was still for me.

Wh also got more rage from me than MOW ever got. She got hers but WH lived with it daily. He got the explosions, he had to watch the devastation every single day. He did NOT get away from anything. He got it much worse that AP did. I am sure she got hers from her BH though.

I don't see where anyone thinks that the WS is getting away with anything just because we decide to try to R. I can't imagine having to live with seeing the devastation that i caused (if it had been me who cheated). I can't think of anything more devastating to see. It would have been a whole lot easier for him if he had left.

I didn't decide to R immediately. It was a long process. I gave him a chance. Thing is, immediately after DDay, I was in no fit state to even think about that. By the time I was in a place where I could think about whether I could really consider R, I had already seen him making changes and doing what he could to make things easier for me. That was the only reason that I could R. He was showing that he was making the changes. I don't need to see that from someone I have never had a relationship with-we were acquaintance before only.

Initially I thought that my WW was seduced by a smooth talking Lothario. It didn't take long though to figure out that he wasn't that at all and it was all her chasing him. Once he had her attention he didn't have to do anything she carried the ball for an LTA.

I hope her AP suffers great consequences. However, the adultery is all on my WW. She made the decision to respond to his very weak initial contact. She made all of the multitude of decisions necessary to start and continue an LTA. She set the rules to maintain the secrecy necessary for it to continue.

I was the one most invested in our marriage. Dr. Shirley Glass stated that it isn't that the cheater isn't getting enough from the marriage but that they aren't giving enough to it. My WW always had only one foot in.

I was hoping for the opportunity to decide if R was a possibility. WW did not get a pass. I villainized her. She needed to deal with that and figure out why she did what she did, how she was going to provide retribution and show how I would always be safe. She needed to show me that she was fundamentally changed and just not a wayward white knuckling it.

I probably shouldn't have posted on this thread because those things did not happen. We are separated and I've filed for D. I haven't accepted the WS back. There continues to be proof why this was the best and only decision for me.

I see the WS exactly for what they are and about the LAST thing I'd do is have sex with my cheater and reward him for his shit behavior. Ain't happening on my dime.

I wonder myself how the AP somehow becomes Public Enemy #1 and deserves to be shot at dawn while the WS is being rewarded with Hysterical Bonding and not being tossed out of the house on their sorry asses for all the crap they pulled.

I don't get it either.

I feel the same. I think its some sort of subconscious pissing on your territory. Very primal with absolutely no logic.

@ChamomileTea, I really like your post. I feel exactly the same (and, yes, spent lots of time in therapy learning that my feelings are valid and to not stuff them) and I really enjoyed how you expressed your feelings in your post.

There's NOTHING fair about infidelity. It doesn't matter that I hate the OWs but I don't hate my fWH. The scales don't have to balance with them because I'm not in relationship with them.

This. Beautiful. We do not have to justify "how" and "why" we feel as we do about AP's. Ain't fair? Big fuckin' deal. Life ain't fair, and infidelity isn't fair. Someone doesn't "get it" why we hate AP's and not our remorseful WS's? So the fuck what, that is their row to hoe, not mine.

It sent chills down my spine to have the OW tell me what a good woman I am. For the life of me I can't understand why a married mother of two young boys felt the need to chase a married man for a year. They are both sorry, unhealthy people. If you are going to reconcile with your spouse, then you have to find a way to live with it. I guess what bothered me the most about her was the lack of human decency. She knew she was destroying a marriage and didn't care. To me they are both villains.

I hate the AP because the bitch knew my husband was married. She is married as well. My WH didn't get a hall pass and we had a lot of pre A issues we are trying to work through. WH is remorseful which HAD to happen or the bitch could have him.

There's NOTHING fair about infidelity. It doesn't matter that I hate the OWs but I don't hate my fWH. The scales don't have to balance with them because I'm not in relationship with them.

^^^^perfectly said.

I gave neither one a pass. Today the AP is irrelevant... so is my WS kind of

At the beginning I hated them both, no way did I take WH back with open arms.

Now, I still hate OW with a passion. I know people will say that's assigning blame to the wrong person, but she was my friend and she knew me and my kids so I do feel she had a duty of care towards me.

The main reason I still hate her but don't hate him (though I DO hate how he acted during the affair) is that he has one chance to show he can change and behave properly. He can demonstrate remorse through his actions. And the reason he gets that chance and she doesn't is that there are still advantages to remaining married to him - house, family unit, finances and all the rest of it.

Whereas I completely cut her off at DDay as I don't need people like that in my life, there is nothing she can give me that would be worth putting up with her for, so she has no way to ever redeem herself in my eyes.

Wow, so many great responses, thank you. It really helps to read other perspectives. Why I posted this was I watched a video of my H and the OW finish a road race together. It was very difficult to watch, I could see how happy they seemed...him included. He slowed to let her beat him. I thought I've villainized her and he was just as willing as she was to cheat for 6 years. She didn't hold a gun to his head, he chose to be with her. Doesn't matter who chased who first. I know her, she was my neighbor, she knew our life, came into my home with him just as he did in her home. We hold this hate for the the OW/OM but R with the person who truly broke our heart. Having a hard time with this again today, not seeing anything good about this man I call my husband. So when we post hateful words or have a hateful encounter with the OW/OM, we need to stop and think there is another person who did this personally to us...should that not be where it's focused?

[This message edited by HurtDec at 4:18 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

It's easier and safer to be angry & feel hatred toward AP than it is with your cheating spouse. Of course it's misplaced but maybe it serves the purpose of allowing BS some time before they start getting real and are ready to focus their outrage on the right person....their WS.