SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The reason these dates have so much power????

It is a self defense mechanism. Your brain is reminding you of danger. This time of the year brought you great danger. The message I also get is that my WIFE is a great danger.

I associate this part of your brain with being a tour guide in a jungle. One that has experienced many dangerous situations.

A tour guide that knows every bend in the river, every rock and every crocodile.

A good tour guide will warn it's passengers when upcoming danger is around the corner.

" Keep your arms in the boat folks. Last time we were here SOMEONE got hurt real bad"

When we approach these dates that brought us SERIOUS HARM, our defense mechanism REMINDS US that we are entering an area that has brought EXTREME danger to us before.

Pain is actually ingrained within the entire body. This includes your Brain, Body and even your Soul.

Even a small amount of pain can redirect your actions the next time you come across the object that caused you pain.

" Last time I used that shovel I got a splinter. I better go get my gloves."

Hope this helps

My fWW did not help me much year one or two when affair season came around. This year I have put a broken heart emoji on the big dates, the ones I know will be tough, and she has said that this year, finally, she will "observe" them with me. I asked her to do this because she had so minimized the extent of her affair I felt helpless and unsupported when those days caused me pain the past two years. I think it is the pain that gives them power: the pain of what they were doing, and the pain of what I was doing oblivious to the fact there was an A going on, and the disconnect.

The dates are triggers b/c we allow them to hold that power over us.

Hard to let go but it can be done. Stop living in the past. Not an easy thing to do.

It’s so frustrating that dates can hold so much power, isn’t it? I’ve done the opposite of you when I have dates coming up, I have my WH plan something on a bad trigger day to hopefully put a good memory in its place. The anticipation of the day is usually worse for me than the actual day.

I am beginning affair season now - I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me, now I realize! It was actually a year long affair, but the summer was when WH was actually “in love” and seeing her frequently etc. May is when she confessed her crush and they first started seeing each other. It’s really tough.

I would recommend bringing Mrs. W closer instead of shutting her out, see if that helps. Don’t hold back your feelings and try to remember that the Mrs. W you have now is not the same as she was 3 years ago. Easier said than done I know.

hikingout - This wasn’t a vent thread. Just me being in a down place that took me by surprise. I wasn’t prepared for the reaction I had to this time frame. So thanks for posting. And I agree with what you said. Others echoed similar thoughts. I don’t think I handled this well. It seems this should be a work through it type of thing and definitely not an avoid it at all costs thing. Proactive and don’t let things fester. Get my wife involved. Communicate feelings.

It is easier said than done, old dog new tricks, etc. But still.

Thanks. Heading out now.

Unhinged - I’d love to, but this friend doesn’t know our sitch. No matter, my imagination is more than ready for the task at hand.

It is perfectly normal to feel this way. But (gently) there comes a time when you must pull yourself up by your own boot straps and tell yourself that you are not going allow yourself to continue to dwell on this any longer. I came up with a phrase for myself for the same thing and called it "changing the channel in my head". After D-day, the fallout from my WW's A basically ruined an entire year of my life. I dwelled on it, thought about it, agonized over it 24/7 until one day I simply could not take it any more. It was pure torture.

So I told myself that I was not going to allow this to keep going on day after day as it was completely ruining my life. I trained myself to instantly think about something else when an A thought came to mind. Anything else as long as it was not A related. It took time but eventually worked and the torture subsided.

My 5 year Dday anniversary was yesterday. I thought about how I felt five years ago and thought about how glad I am that we have successfully R'd. I haven't even had a single conversation with my wife about the A for a year. I did send her an email telling her what I was thinking about yesterday and she was very apologetic and supportive on her reply. BUT, I was not about to let the anniversary ruin my day. The A took a year of my life and I was and am determined that it won't ruin another second going forward. Life is too short.

You hold the power. The dates are the triggers. Your decision on what power is unleashed when triggered defines the moment. Is it the power of the past or that of the future. It's not easy, I'll admit that much. Emotional pain is scarring.

My H couldn't remember the actual day he met the adultery co-conspirator for the first time...but he thought it was after my birthday...which is coming up in a few days. We went through all of the info we DID have...expense receipts...phone bills...emails...etc...and came up with the date...which was the day AFTER my birthday. This meant that ON my birthday...THEY were talking...getting a date set up for the next night .

Two years later...I found out about the google timeline from a thread on here...and when I plugged in the timeline...I saw that they actually met for the first time on May 11...several days before my birthday. I was very HAPPY at the time...because that meant they were NOT talking about meeting up...all that excited anticipation...ON my birthday. THEN May 11 came up last year...and I was so SAD . This date had passed for TWO YEARS without me having an issue...yet last year it upset me greatly!!!

THIS year...I woke up...started fixing coffee...and realized it was May 11 . It was heart wrenching . I went to my H...hugged him...and told him that it was going to be a HARD day for me. He knew this meant it was time for him to give me EXTRA loving. We fixed our coffee...settled down for Bible Study...and my H started reading his devotional...for MAY 10th !!! YEP...this happened YESTERDAY !!! I instantly felt RELIEF that it wasn't actually May 11 !!! Then I thought how AWESOME God is to remind me that this is only another day...it is holding significance because I am letting it .

So...TODAY...May 11...I wake up to the phone ringing. One of our grandchildren is sick...and their Mom asked if we could watch them today. God has helped me AGAIN !!!

I want to look at the google timeline...because I can't remember the exact time that he went to the restaurant back in 2014...but I CONTROL ME...and I'm NOT going to look. At least..I haven't yet !!! I have a BLESSING today to take care of .

LOOK for those Blessings my friend . You WILL beat this...heck...you HAVE beat this . Your brain just needs to "catch up" . Our brains are AMAZING...they remember the experiences we have to keep us on track or to protect us from danger. But we can CHANGE that experience to a positive one...like you are doing NOW .

I can’t bring myself to go outside, do anything productive, or be positive. I just can’t.

Actually you just can. Just do it. Except for being positive, that's a feeling, and who has control over those? But actions? 100% yours to control.

The most powerful mantra I have anytime I approach the bad thought rathole to ask myself what I would be doing if I wasn't about to lay around ruminating, and then just go do that. Just get off my ass and do it.

The dates have power because we give them power. You empower them.

Enjoy your shooting!

How are you not handling this well?

What's wrong with feeling the way you do? I know you feel lousy, but what's wrong with having these feelings during this period?

IMO, you're experiencing and releasing some of the pain that comes with being betrayed. It's more a memory of being walloped, not being beaten again (although it may feel like another beating). It's healing and healthy.

For the record, I was a minor wreck for my 3rd A season antiversary, but that's only because I was a major wreck in 2011 and a wreck in 2012.

I'm really sorry you feel this, W, but ... 2-5 years.

hope you draw a target of the OM, and hit the target several times.

Taking the clonapon or whatever makes me be in a stupor for a few hours. I can't take it more than every other day, I have to function.

Hope things go better. I am rooting for you.

I was listening to a video about if you can not talk about it, you are not healed from infidelity.

it is a video you can listen to, but I can't post the place here. It helped me.

you can google recovering from affairs and find some of their videos that you can listen to for free.

wear some ear protection.

Reschedule those dance lessons.

Couple more random thoughts:

I mean I know, but not in some ways. Like the first time they did different acts or tried different positions. I don’t know that, don’t know that I want to know actually. But I can’t help thinking about it. It’s not the unanswered questions, it’s the dwelling.

It's very unlikely she would be able to recall that level of detail at this point. Really, would you be able to recall that level of detail from your daily schedule even a month ago? You should ask if it's on your mind, but be prepared for her not to be able to recall.

Second, I reckon these memories/images will be a presence for your whole life. Its edge might become more blunt over time, but I don't think it would ever completely go away, and in fact I don't think it should. It is part of your marriage. So in future years, rather than trying to suppress it unsuccessfully until it pushes you back down on the anti-versary date, acknowledge it and give it room to breathe.

Third, along with the above, figure out a way to own this date with Mrs. Walloped. Look inside of yourself to figure out what you want on this date. If it were me, personally, I would want something cathartic, sort of a figurative scream of rage that morphs into something fun, like going to the shooting range or blowing up a watermelon with an M80. But that's just my personality. Everybody has their own thing.

Finally, along with the above, remember this. As stated, this will be a companion of yours for life. You can share it alone, or, if you divorce, possibly with somebody you might meet one day, who might love you but probably won't have much interest in dealing with baggage from Mrs. Walloped, or you can share it with Mrs. Walloped, who really does love you and is giving you 100% of herself. My vote goes for sharing this date with your wife, and figuring out a way to own it.

I don’t think I handled this well.

You did just fine, brother. You got knocked down and got back up. Don't be too hard on yourself. This shit isn't easy.

Walloped

Just wanted to check in and see how it’s going.

Hopefully the shooting range helped you get thru the pain you are feeling. I hope it was cathartic.

I wonder if talking to MrsW telling her about the pain you are going thru could also help. In return perhaps she can tell you again why you’re the greatest man in the world for enduring this pain for her, for your M and for your family.

Because truth is you are. Your fWW has done so much to earn your love back, but it’s you who have truly moved heaven and earth to become a better couple again. You deserve to get support from her if you are hurting.

Do what you need to get thru these trigger dates when they actually have a negative effect on you but know that they are only just numbers on a calendar and what’s real is you have a truly Remorseful wife who loves you. And a family who knows what a wonderful man you are for making it all happen.

While she was once very broken, your W took ownership of her failings and has worked hard to become someone you deserve. She did that whether or not she was going to get the gift of R from you. That’s a powerful thing.

If you are struggling please come back and let us all help. We’re thinking of you.

You need to just let loose and beat the bejeezus outta something. Go at an old tree stump with an ax. Beat on some sheet metal with a sledgehammer. Do something that gets that angry energy out of your body.

This seriously helps me.

Shooting helped. A lot. Blowing up clay targets and ripping posters labeled POS to shreds was just awesome. But honestly, you guys helped more. I needed someone to tell me to get off my ass and tackle this. To fight through it and own it. I don’t think my wife could or should do that because I might take it as her not understanding or respecting what I was going through has if she were telling me to just get over it) so I’m glad she at least first asked me and then respected my decision, even if my decision wasn’t the best one.

I did share a bit what I was going through with her and apologized for being an ass this past week. Of course she told me that I had nothing to apologize for.

Being vulnerable with her is hard. But I need to do more of it. My natural tendency (defense mechanism?) is to retreat to my shell and not share for fear of more hurt or whatever. I need to remind myself to communicate my feelings with her.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice and support. You should know that it helped.

You have to realize that you person you are now fighting is yourself.

It is time to transition from a victim to a survivor.

Do not allow this to control you and occupy space in your head.

rambler - Very wise and very true. I agree.

I agree with rambler.

3 years ago during the affair, you were a victim and your wife was a perpetrator.

Today you are a survivor and your wife is a deeply remorseful changed woman. She is not that person in his apartment partaking in different sex acts. She would now rather die than do that.

When people think of Scrooge they remember the miserable old scrounger; that can never be forgotten. But the story would not been so timeless if people did not believe that he changed, as your wife indubitably has.

We still remember Scrooge's misdeeds, we still condemn them and rightly so but what we celebrate and rejoice in at Christmas is his redemption.

So don't ignore each anniversary day, nor even forgive the person who she was then. Trying to forgive the person who performed such acts of betrayal would not be healthy for your recovery in my opinion. The person you can forgive though is the current Mrs Walloped, the mother of your children, your remorseful wife. So, please remember who your wife is now; the love and commitment and honesty she has shown you over the last three years. That is the person who you now share your bed with or take ballroom dancing.

Regrettably many here do not have that comforting thought to offset the remorseless mind movies.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:48 PM, May 13th (Sunday)]