SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is not enough for it to be over:

He apparently figured out that she likes to swallow so he ejaculated the last 30 times in her mouth.

But this is:

If she would have said she preferred sex with him our relationship probably would have been over.

I get that this is a terrible, traumatic, horrible shitstorm you have been thrown into. We all know first hand how horrible the pain is and how deeply the hurt goes. I am sorry for what you are going through.

I think you need to ask your IC to help you sort out or make sense of the sex related minutia that you have attached your whole being to. That yours sense of self worth and value will be shattered if his penis is an inch longer or she really did like the sex, but not for all the other devastatingly painful acts that she did.

When you condense all those things you wrote that she said she did, and then follow it with:

She is not remorseful now...

This....this is what the years of missery will be based on, not the extra inch of penis her fuck buddy had.

I get the pain. I get the obsession over sex details. But, that his appendage may be a little bigger than yours is so much more important than her having sex every day for 40 days or swallowing.....I guess I get it because it is the pain talking, but at some point, you need to step back and look at every thing she has done as being all the same level of betrayal and rejection. Then you need to work on owning your life and rejecting her power to make you feel how you don't want to feel.

She is broken to her core. If she refuses to get IC specifically to fix those very unsafe lack of boundaries, you need to find a way to seek peace, despite the other hardships in life that separating from her toxic ways will cause.

I am sorry for your pain. Take control. As the wise saying goes:

There once was a man that said fuck this shit, and lived happily ever after.

Focus on living happily ever after.

MMIW,

From what you describe, it sounds like the sex was not really about sex. She did not particularly enjoy the experience and did not experience orgasm. The OM basically treated your wife like a porn star and she wanted a "bad girl" experience.

With my WW, it was not able the sex. It was an addiction to the double life and thrill of illicit attention. She did the PA to keep the addiction going. My WW also told me that the OM had a bigger penis (and was more attractive) but she shared that sex with me was far better. The reason is because we have had sex for thousands of times and we have gotten pretty good at it. Her A had nothing to do with me.

I am so sorry for your situation and the personal hell that you are experiencing. I can tell that you feel very emotionally raw. Knowing what you now know, I shudder to imagine the thoughts that you must feel when you look at your wife.

What my therapist told me and I offer up as advice is to try to view the infidelity in context. Draw a timeline of all the years you have been together and put the affair in that timeline. Then think about where that timeline should go into the future.

There is a section in the healing library that talks about the 180. I found that section to be helpful as it gave me techniques to restore my pride and independence.

Strength brother.

50 fucks in 40 days. That's a lot of sex. More than once a day on some days. She must have invested a lot of time into this A in a compressed calendar period. Did you notice anything unusual during that time frame?

Did she have sex with you on the same days she had sex with him? Since you always perform oral on her, did you perform oral on her on one of those days? Since the last 30 times he ejaculated in her mouth, did she ever come home and kiss you (or one of your kids) on one of those days?

The facts as you describe them are odd. She says she was bored with sex with you. So she finds a handsome young stud to screw, apparently hoping for better sex. He doesn't make her cum, but she keeps going back anyways. Then she gets bored and quits.

She seems so nonchalant about it. Like screwing another guy intensively during marriage is just something one does out of boredom.

By the way, why would you lose your business if you divorced her?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:44 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

Talking with your W about the A - that's a great step toward healing, MMIW!

Not many understand the kibbles idea while they're doing it. She probably liked the sex, but she was probably doing it for the attention and excitement.

I am a man with decades of virtually guaranteed orgasms who now sometimes doesn't get there. It's an artifact of age. Take the orgasm out of sex and it's still great.

MMIW,

My heart goes out to you. No one ever wants to hear these details from their spouse EVER. It's now time for you to heal from this and that is all on you. You will have great days, good days and bad days. But as sad and unfair as it is, the ownness and accountability are now on you to heal. This is a must, otherwise you will never rid of the mind movies and disgust. Keeping this in your mind (if you desire) will prevent you from any type of R. I do agree with everyone else, it wasn't about the sex. If she says she didn't enjoy it and it wasn't about sex. As mine did, its about validation, feeling wanted, desired, etc. My WW had to dig deep, when She said it wasn't about sex and she didn't enjoy it. I too asked, then why did you keep going back. She painfully got to the conclusion that she was afraid if she didn't, he would take the attention away and lets be honest, we all know in an affair if the man is just looking for a wet hole, if he doesn't get it or gets it cut off, he's gone. Plus, it made her feel wanted and desired, something she felt was missing in our marriage. Which again painfully, she now sees it wasn't him wanting/desiring her, but rather a hole to use. It sucks, but you must now heal you!

So short term, you don't believe she will cheat. But what is she doing long term? It's like your wife had bucket list. Like, visit Grand Canyon? Check. Have an affair? CHECK! Return to husband after affair? Check. You want to a safe spouse. My wife cheated for sex as well. But her actions and the real threat of losing me woke her up quickly. Your wife seems like, "Ok, I'm done"!

She painfully got to the conclusion that she was afraid if she didn't, he would take the attention away and lets be honest, we all know in an affair if the man is just looking for a wet hole, if he doesn't get it or gets it cut off, he's gone.

Apparently we don't all know that, or this site would be 99% WH's and BW's. Yes, I think what you're saying is true, and in fact, I think that a lot of female AP's might even know this during the A but do enough lying to themselves to believe otherwise. It still blows my mind that anyone thinks about "love" in an A. Wet hole or hard d**k, if your not seeking those things though??

To the OP, yes, it's very likely your W realized that if the sex wasn't on tap, the man was gone. That's affair math. So while she did have a lot of sex with him, it's very possible that she was only doing that to keep the "fantasy alive" or "keep hope alive". That's a question she has to answer for herself, it sounds from your stories like her AP might have been more "sexual variety" based, which, IMHO, might be a little easier in some ways and harder in others. There are a million things you guys can do together to "spice things up", which is the good part of it, but there's also something deeply scary to me about a woman cheating for sexual variety because, how long until that itch comes back? It's not like it is for a man, sure, many of us have "sexual variety" built into our genes, but the important difference is that there aren't 20 women a day offering up NSA behind a dumpster to me. There are for a lot of women, if you like NSA/sexual variety and are open to an A as a woman you can rack up 30 APs before the weekend is over. For most men, that's just not the case, sure, you might like sexual variety, but the work necessary to get it is too much, and coupled with the price paid (losing your M).. There are too many hurdles between the two things; a lot of points where you have to stop and think "do I really want to do this" and "is this really worth it". For most women, that's not the case, you can go from A-B in 20 minutes in any bar anywhere in the world. So I'd be concerned about this because if someone has a drive for "new sex" and "new sex" is freely offered every day, how long before he/she falters?

This was really hard to read Minnesota. I can't imagine having that many graphic details or how exactly that helps you heal from this.

Your wife got off on the attention from this guy ... that's what made it fun.

Why does this guy's penis size matter at this point? Whether he is hung like a donkey or suffers from the Irish Curse is irrelevant ... your wife had sex with him. I don't see how it matters. She said she prefers the sex with you. She has a history and a life with you and he can't compete with that.

I hope you can try to shut these mind movies off and really start focusing on healing yourself.

I'm sorry, but I'm just going to day it.

She's lying about the oral. She was brutally honest about other details..you believe..so you believe she's telling the truth about there being no oral on her.

It's the one way she can orgasm. She's not a stupid woman. She probably knew if she admitted her gave her oral,and she orgasmed, then you would never give her oral again.

She had A LOT of sex with him. Oral is a common thing in most people's sexual encounters.

But, given her answers to your other questions, I'd want to know if you gave her oral on a day she'd had sex with him already. And I'd want to know if you kissed her after she'd swallowed.

Schedule the polygraph.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:38 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

Your WW is not remorseful. She has made that clear. There is no R or hopes of R or hopes for escape from the toxic mess as long as these two things coexist:

- She is not remorseful

- You stay with her

One of those two has to change before there is any moving forward with the M. You can, however move forward with your personal healing and .

Sex 50 times in 40’days... And all those details. Damn, that’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

The cumming on her is a way a man marks his territory. It is very humiliating for the BS. These assholes have no shame for what they’re doing to a married woman. Disgusting humans.

MinnisotaManInWi, I'm very sorry that you are in such pain and find yourself in this awful position.

Getting the answer you need is a great first step.

Please understand that you can and will heal from this.

All you have to do is take this road one day at a time.

Keep posting and we will help you on your journey of healing.

The cumming on her is a way a man marks his territory. It is very humiliating for the BS. These assholes have no shame for what they’re doing to a married woman. Disgusting humans.

Your right. And I caution people, the WH's we have on this site are NOTHING like the WH's I know IRL. There are a lot of WH's, I know my fair share, who have no "remorse" beyond "wow, that f**ked up my life" for what they've done. They are out for the score, and this is how they operate. And maybe there's a bunch of WW's who don't come here and are the same, for all I know that could be true, but I KNOW it's true that I know a few WH's, and not one of them sounds like the WH's you see here (who are trying to figure out the why, trying to fix themselves, and trying to heal their marriage). No, if my experience is any guide, your typical WH is the guy aiming for the AP's eyes to "mark his territory". And that's held up in stories like this one (and my own).

That was painful to read.

You’re more concerned about her having an orgasm while not deeply disturbed by the volume and how she finished him off.

Her supposedly not allowing him to eat her out is a relief but all that swallowing she did is not breaking you up inside.

A BJ to completion is a very intimate and submissive act. Notice how in many marriages it’s BJs that get removed from the menu.

BTW: I believe that he didn't perform oral on her. Not because she didn't want it but because he was about having her be submissive.

She probably didn't want him to do that anyway. It messes up the whole "I'm submitting to this man" thing she got off on.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 8:18 PM, August 11th (Saturday)]

MM,

You have spent considerable effort on questions regarding penis size and enjoyment of sex by your WW with the AP. Now that you have got the questions over with, you still have boundaries and other items to address. Now you need to focus on restoring the marriage since you indicated you have to much to lose to divorce her. The following are questions that you should focus on regarding boundaries, healing, and restoring the marriage.

Short term issues that must be addressed:

What is the status regarding the affair and AP? Is the affair over....

When was the last time she had sex with the AP?

When was her last contact?

Do they still see each other in some capacity i.e. business or professional, recreational, or other activities?

Has STD testing been been completed? If not, do not have sex with her. If it has not been scheduled for you and her please get this done ASAP. Demand a copy of her results. Have her sign a release.

How did they communicate? Has she gone no contact?

Is she allowing access to all her electronic devices and applications? Do you think you should install monitoring software?

Did she indicate there were any photos or videos that may come out? You have been traumatized enough. But, if they exist, legal action should be pursued to secure them.

See an attorney about a post nup if she will sign one. Include an infidelity clause.

MMIW healing:

What steps or actions are you taking to deal with the pain and trauma of her betrayal?

Are you seeing a counselor or therapist?

Do you have other support?

Have you talked to a physician about any health effects or issues you have associated from the trauma?

You may need a sex therapist to be able to get past the trauma she has caused you. Do you think you can still be intimate with her?

Long term issues:

How will she get out of the wayward mindset?

Is she getting help to understand and prevent the thought processes that allowed her to cheat? She needs to understand her actions and identify coping skills so that infidelity is not an option in the future.

Has she read about infidelity and restoration of the marriage? There are several books that would possibly be of benefit in the healing library.

How if as you stated she does not have the capacity to do the work will she ever be safe in a marriage?

What will prevent you from going through this hell again?

I think she was playing some fantasy role. Not about the enjoyment of the sex just being desired and acting out. Probably plenty of ego kibbles to keep it rolling. Maybe she felt some power over him and when that was spent out, she was bored.

That was brutal to read, and I can only imagine how much worse to hear those words come from your wife's mouth. So sorry you had to have such a painful and unnerving conversation with her. Before I met my H I was involved briefly with a guy who flattered himself as quite a ladie's man. He wrote X-rated stories and published them online under a pseudonym. I remember him telling me once that no one can take you to a place sexually that you don't already want to go. I've always come back to this thought: WHY did our cheating spouses go to that place? What were they searching for?

You deserve to do something nice for yourself after this painful conversation. For me, hearing the details was one of the most excruciating experiences of this already excruciating nightmare (e.g., my H admitted to fucking OW1 "50-60" times over their 4 month A).

From what I’ve read, many women don’t orgasm from PIV sex. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love it. Her banging that POS that many times I. Such a short time means she was loving it.

In your WW’s case she got off on being treated like a cheap whore. It doesn’t jive in my male brain that she enjoyed being abused but many women like that. She gets to play a bad girl

If you look at the popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey, it’s right there to see. We men have ideas drilled into us that turn us into nice guy husbands that have our wives on a pedestal. Along comes Mr I don’t give a fuck who will turn your wife into his sex doll after a few months of whispering the same compliments you’ve given your wife in the past.

MMIW,

There are a lot of techniques for asking questions that discern truth from fiction. You can find them on the web, but I expect you already know a bunch of them - and use them almost without thinking.

IMO it's entirely possible that om never went down on your W. If you're worried about her truthfulness, learn the techniques - or learn that you already know them - and ask more questions.

I'd stay away from polygraphs - I think human beings are more sensitive than machines.

She's very entitled. She did what she wanted then told you to unload her guilt banking on you doing nothing.

Great for her but you not so much.