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You need about 3 months to process what she did and then it's entirely your decision to R or D. See your doctor for help sleeping and dealing with anxiety.

Did she show you the OM's hotel bill as well as her hotel bill to show they were in separate rooms?

So the OM lives at home with his parents? How old is he?

It's not unusual for the BS to be overwhelmed and rug sweep to do whatever it takes to avoid the sole crushing pain of infidelity. Unfortunately rug sweeping doesn't repair the damage she did to your marriage.

It sounds like you felt sorry for her (because she was emotionally upset - at being caught) and gave her a pass because she was depressed. That's not an excuse for her behavior. She's not the victim here - you are.

Also: 'we vowed to be honest from now on' ...why did you vow? She's the liar here not you.

Recoveringheart,

...she told me that h3e is a good friend and he was supporting her during her depressive phase for the last 3 months

Are you still with us? You have received some great advice. Please do not accept what she is telling you as the truth.

You likely are going to have to dig and use surveillance if you wish to actually know some of what has occurred and may transpire if you do not intervene by assertive action. Your wife is wayward in thhought and action now. Will she stay that way? Yes if nothing is done to address the elephant in the center of the room.

Once and perhaps if open and honest communication transpire you may get what you need to process what has happened to you. Right now she has not given you this.

You need to step back, review what has been posted and make a plan. Choosing to do nothing is a choice and as Western pointed out rugsweeping will not work.

You need to establish control and address the infidelity executed by your wayward wife.

Please keep us posted if you are so inclined.

Oh, man, I feel for you.

She’s gaslighting. 100% she’s had a long term PA and plenty of sex. You’re in shock and want to believe what she is saying to you. And this may not be her first extramarital.

Take deep breaths. This is going to be the toughest time in your life. Take the advice people are giving you here. I was exactly in the same boat as you. WW minimized until I had the evidence. Then she lied some more until I gave her more evidence. Tell her unless she owns up to EVERYTHING and gives you a timeline about what she has done outside her marriage IT IS OVER.

She is trying to salvage the Titanic as it’s going down. Don’t disclose the source of your evidence. And she will probably only admit (maybe) the information you may find out, not everything. Polygraph is crucial. Threaten her with it. It’s amazinf what happens when you mention the word “polygraph”. Wayward spouses usually start talking after that...

Buddy, she is not telling you the truth. She’s trickle truthing you. She is trying to get away with it. Don’t settle for anything but the whole truth.

Good luck and keep us informed. We are here to help. I’m sorry we all don’t believe the story she gave you and you want to desperately believe. We had all been in your shoes and we have lived the steps of deception and deceipt wayward spouses use. Your wife is using Cheaters 101 Methods. It is so obvious.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Your heart wants to believe her but your head and your gut know she still isn’t telling you the truth.

The one thing that is absolutely certain is that she has been lying to you. If this was as innocent as she is now trying to convince you then there would have been no need to lie to you. After the set of circumstances you have described, your Trustmeter should be reading zero when it comes to your WW.

For your marriage to survive she needs to start taking action to prove to you that she is now telling the truth. One way to do that is to submit to a polygraph. If she is now telling you the truth then she should jump at the chance to prove it! If she agrees then you absolutely need to follow through with the exam because she may simply be hoping that you will drop it. If she is hesitant or refuses to take a polygraph then I think you have your answer. She shouldn’t expect you to believe anything she has told you.

Because of her lies she needs to permanently go NC with OM. There are consequences for her actions.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 9:38 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

Dear all.

thank you very much for the great advice you all gave me. I don't know what to say, I'm in shock I guess. my wife has been so faithful to me the past years, she has never done a fraction of this. part of me still believe her.

I do admit I don't have evidence of how deep is their relationship. but I think I have a good gut feeling and my gut feeling say she is telling me the truth.

for those who asked the OM status, he is divorced, this happened a couple of years before knowing my wife. yes he lives with his parents. and they don't work together.

I do have a GPS system in my cars to track my kids and drivers. I haven't noticed any suspicious activities from wife at all before this incidence.

one of the things that bothers me though is that the OM didn't have any reservations in that resort or any resort close to the area. but he could have rented any room. what happened is I was able to uncover this trip the day they arrived. so the OM left the same day they arrived the resort. my wife returned the next day. obviously what they did was very wrong.

so far I haven't been angry but I think i'm getting their with my grief process and i'm worried about it.

I haven't looked at their social media communications but I'm sure she deleted many of them because she told me. I knew that because I have been having jealousy problems with this guy since she met him. but I let it go because they are professionals. I thought.

I know they are having a relationship and that it has become more than just friendship, talking for hours on the phone, I am pretty sure all of this started 4 months ago from the trend of her telephone bill. before that only once or twice a year. I admit there has been an EA, but I don't believe there was a PA. I'll take your advice and keep looking until I say its over.

I will also take your advice and take care of myself. thank you all

Buddy, you’re in shock! I understand that you want to believe what she is telling you. Because you fear the truth. She is lying. I’m sorry this is hard for you to accept. But reading hundreds of stories on this site it is pretty conclusive to me she’s gaslighting you. There may be a 0.01% chance she is telling you the complete truth. It doesn’t sound like it. I’m sure some of the veterans on this site will agree with me. I really hope for you she is telling the whole truth but I suspect not.

I hope you get some support. Please get into IC. She also needs IC. To figure out why she breached those boundaries.

This is an incredibly traumatic thing to go through and it's no surprise that you are struggling to compute. We've all been there. None of us believed our spouse was capable of infidelity.

Like you I had a bad gut feeling about the OM but never thought for a moment she would stray. But she did.

I don't agree with the poster who said she has inevitably been in a LTA or might have had other As, you simply can't deduce that right now. That said, it's possible this has been going on longer than you think. You have to be ready for either scenario.

What is absolutely clear is that she had an EA which has either also been a PA or was about to become one before you caught them out. I'm sorry, but as Mene said the chances of this being what she said is about 0.01%.

If this didn't go to a PA then that's not because of her, it's because you blew it out of the water thanks to a chance sighting of OM.

My advice at this point is two-fold: firstly, and urgently, you need to ensure that you are out if infidelity. That means total NC with the OM, which is absolutely non-negotiable. She never speaks or messages him again. And that's on her, so don't listen to any objections.

If you are satisfied that's the case, then you have time to breathe. The priority right now is to investigate. She needs to give you full access to her emails and social media (though you are right, she has probably gone on a deleting spree). You need to think back to times she was away and check receipts etc. Look on the PC or phone for pictures or info.

You can also use this time to begin to come to terms with what has happened. Other than ensuring the A is over, nothing else has to be done at 100mph.

Once you have what you can find then you need to sit her down and lay it out, or at the very least tell her that she has a once-only chance to come clean.

As I said in my previous post, if you strip away the context and the emotions and write this out simply in actions then she has:

Arranged to secretly meet another man - at a hotel they had to fly to - for several days. He is a confidant, is divorced and she spent hours secretly talking to him on the phone. When confronted she has spun some BS story.

If you were presented with this scenario by someone else, what would you say to them?

I don't say any of this to be harsh but simply to make sure you are listening to the many posters who are all telling you the same thing. We've walked in your shoes and believe me we all made a ton of mistakes, so learn from us.

He didn't have a reservation because he didn't need one. He already had a place to stay. And he left when your wife left, because he no longer had a place to stay.

I'm sorry. Demand a polygraph.

Fact: She risked breaking your heart (and the pain you now carry) and destroying your marriage just to be with the OM. That's not some accidental oversight on her part - it was premeditated.

Simple solution if you want to know the facts. Since she destroyed your trust, tell her you scheduled a polygraph test to identify the length and depth of her relationship with the OM. Often that leads to a last minute parking lot confession.

The fact that they didn't actually have sex (this time) is irrelevant. Your wife lied and deceived you repeatedly in the weeks/months leading up to her 'solo' vacation. That takes an extremely selfish, deceitful character to smile, kiss & hug you & your kids while planning a vacation with another man.

Now all her previous solo vacations are suspect. Her depression (and moods) in the preceding 5 months now sounds manipulative and fake. Does she get depressed prior to each solo vacation? Her moody spells are a great cover story to justify her solo trips.

People that have nothing to hide ...hide nothing!

Therefore, her deleted messages are actually proof that she has plenty to hide.

Her behavior destroyed any basis to trust her and you have no obligation to trust her or forgive her. It's up to her to do whatever it takes to restore trust....including NC, transparency, and a gps.

Please reread the post by: Ripped62

It contains detailed advice passed on the cumulative experience of people that walked your path before you.

Even if everything she says were true (very doubtful), if you don't take this seriously then she won't either. Test for stds, see an attorney, implement the 180.

Stay in touch.

You are not alone!

What's her explanation for them making joint plane reservations together? Who paid for the tickets?

Was there actually a formal program at the resort to support the idea that she was going to a yoga retreat?

How many nights did she plan to go?

Can you prove that as a result of your phone call the OM cancelled his plans to stay overnight with her? For example, digital record of airline receipts/stubs, email confirmation of his flight change, or a copy of the extra charge to his credit card for changing his flight.

As her special friend he should be willing to help her prove she's innocent. He should provide any information you ask for.

Maybe you should talk to the OM's X ... ask if it's likely he'd be satisfied to just be your wife's platonic buddy ....or maybe they argued over how much attention he gave your wife.

Sorry you're here...

I do admit I don't have evidence of how deep is their relationship. but I think I have a good gut feeling and my gut feeling say she is telling me the truth.

Why does your gut tell you that? Following 4 months of lies and deceit you've decided that she's now telling the truth? Look, we all wanted to believe our spouse was telling the truth, we'd love that to be the reality, unfortunately for most of us it isn't. After months of established lies it's very rare that someone suddenly becomes truthful.

You have a choice, are you willing to accept this is the truth and move on and work on the M with the realisation that this could fester inside of you and blow up at any time and for many years? Believe me it will, or you'll find more evidence in the future that will continue to cause you pain.

Or do you want absolute concrete hard truth (polygraph) and then move on with the M knowing you have full disclosure to work on?

She already stepped out of the marriage, whether it was an EA or PA it doesn't change the motives behind it.

You've been given good advice, but from what you've said it sounds like you're willing to rugsweep and let her control the narrative here, respect yourself enough to control this situation YOU want it to be. Don't play second fiddle, it will eat you up for the rest of the M.

[This message edited by mantorok at 8:27 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

I agree Mantorok.

Recovering, you need to step to the plate for yourself and make sure that you come first.

She's already deceived you. Why do you believe a word she says ??

Are you afraid of the costs of losing her financially or with the kids ? If so, say it.

But if not, then give us an idea of why you are so believing in her

so the conclusion is the most advice for a polygraph. but how good is a polygraph? it is very controversial and doesn't give accurate results.

second her actions so far has been great, it has been 2 months and she is caring, loving, back to her self also apologizing often and remorceful. but gets upset when I bring it up still.

for those who asked I did meet with the MO, and he was sincere and apologetic, my conclusion was that it was the first time they try this that's why it wasn't well planned. but nonetheless it was an affair.

right now what I wish to know is how much she loved him and whether there could be more. answers I will probably never get. unless I believe what she tells me.

I wish I could see her deleted messages. that would help me.

at the moment. I don't want a divorce. I still love her a lot, she is an amazing person, she did a mistake and it is important it is not to be repeated. I do blame the MO more for not respecting me and having an affair with my wife. so NC for sure.

at the moment. I don't want a divorce. I still love her a lot, she is an amazing person, she did a mistake and it is important it is not to be repeated. I do blame the MO more for not respecting me and having an affair with my wife. so NC for sure.

Recoveringheart:

Please get yourself out of the mindset that your WW actions were a mistake. The betrayal was premeditated by your WW and the OM. You are making excuses for your WW by blaming the OM for the affair. It's your WW that made a vow to you.

Although as you stated that your WW seems to be doing and saying all the right things, but she is not fully helping you heal. Your WW needs to be open and willing to discuss the affair regardless of the shame or guilt she feels when the topics is brought up. She needs to be honest with the details of the affair regardless how much pain in might inflict on your. By minimizing and TT, it will just prolong your pain. "Rip it like a band aid" so you can start healing fully. One of the biggest enemy of a BS is his/her imagination. By not getting the whole truth, BS always thinks of the worse.

I'm not a fan of the polygraph (parking lot confession). If you need to have a WS go through this just to get information, do you really want to be with such person. Maybe some will use it just for their own sanity.

If she is truly remorseful, she will do anything to help you heal. I'm sorry to say it but, I, just a lot of people that responded on your thread believe that a PA occurred. The effort and lies done to cover up their trip is immense. Did you ask her where the OM spent the night you confronted her?

Yes. He told me he spent it in the resort business center on a couch. My wife didn’t know that part. He flew early next morning and I saw the tickets.

Recoveringheart, let me tell you a bit of my story (you can read the rest of it in my profile).

I heard the tone (not the words) of conversation between my WW and her HS classmate, she was arranging visit to his auto repair shop to change to winter tires. When she departed, I checked her FB and found a conversation between her and AP(#2) - light flirting, him admitting that he fell in love with her previous time she visited his shop. When two days later, after she was supposed to be NC with him, she drove to see him (I followed in my car - night, rain, easy to do so unnoticed) I almost threw her out of the house. "Nothing physical happened between us" from her was enough for me to allow her back in (ah, two days before I got "Nothing physical happened, not even kisses, swear on our kids' lives", cheaters' classic line). My gut tingled a bit afterwards, I had a suspicion that there was a bit more, but I was 90% sure that I was just in time to stop EA in its beginning phases. Then a little less than a month later I saw that she checked his FB page (no longer friends there). I checked her phone, found hidden gmail account with almost everything deleted from it (there was some e-mails from booking.com including "How was your stay at ...?". This opened a flood gate of discoveries, a year of TT (Trickle Truth) and methodical destruction of me as a person.

So what was behind "Nothing physical happened, swear on our kids' lives"? There was first, short affair, second affair (one I found out about) overlapping with first, 20+ fucks with AP1 and AP2 in a period of 3 months, AP2's dick in every fuckable hole of hers, "working late" to fuck instead of coming home to sick kids and husband going crazy trying to shuffle work and caring for the family alone, etc, etc.

So yes, I'm jaded. But not only that. I saw my story repeated on pages of SI again and again. Different people, different countries, different details, same script, again and again.

I did everything wrong. Believed her. Did "Pick Me Dance". Tried to rugsweep advised by crappy IC.

What I want very much is for you not to repeat mistakes that a lot of us made. Not to be afraid "to blow it out of proportions" - most of us wish we "overreacted" on the DDay instead of believing our WS (wayward spouse). And no-one who overreacted and later gathered enough proof that the extent of A was really as told by WS (none of these few stories had so many red flags as yours) regret it.

So please, please, follow advice given to you on SI. You feel bad now, but you cannot even imagine how it feels after months or years of TT and false R (reconciliation).

Gather enough proof to convince yourself (but don't try to fool yourself) that the extent of A was as she depicts it. Ask her to take a polygraph (despite being quite controversial, it is a good tool to get information and to help you make informed decisions about your future). You cannot reconcile your marriage if she is keeping a secret.

Yes. He told me he spent it in the resort business center on a couch. My wife didn’t know that part. He flew early next morning and I saw the tickets.

Was your WW answer differ from the OM's? If the OM has a room reserved, why would he sleep in the business center? With this information there is without a doubt that they plan to share a bed. Two adults don't go out of their way to lie and travel far away to share a room to just talk. Deep down I know that you know that a PA has already occurred prior to this trip. The first time two people escalate their affair to PA is usually not planned. It just happens during the heat of the moment. This was carefully concocted. Have you notice if your WW have new underwear or lingerie? Did you ask your WW if they were planning to have sex on this trip prior to your discovery?

I pulled her call history online and found out she has been calling him for hours in the past 3 months. 2 hours the day before her trip.

she told me that he is a good friend and he was supporting her during her depressive phase for the last 3 months.

Recoveringheart

If he was giving her hours of great support on the phone why did they have to secretly meet?

If they needed to see each others face they could have Skyped.

Yes. He told me he spent it in the resort business center on a couch. My wife didn’t know that part. He flew early next morning and I saw the tickets.

Ok so even if you believe your WW then you know that intent was there. He didn't have a room and intended to stay in her room. Perhaps you catching him made her kick him out of the room although I don't believe it. More likely they went ahead with their plan to sleep together and then she came home. If you want to reconcile that is fine. Many on here have reconciled from much worse than this. I just don't think it is healthy for you to reconcile from such a position of ignorance on what actually happened. Your WW is not going to respect you if you just believe all that she says. She lies, that is established, so why do you just immediately believe.

As I said if you want to reconcile then fine, do that, but please try to understand exactly what you are forgiving, what you are reconciling from, how far this went and how deep the betrayal was. If you don't then it will likely come back to haunt you. She may go back to the OM when things calm down here (or never really stop with him and just hide it better) or this level of denial that you are putting yourself through will manifest itself later in your mind with anger or depression. Deep down you know this story has holes in it. You may say you believe her but your subconscious is going to rebel against that belief in some way.

Let me offer one more thought. The OM is single and lives at home. He has no ties to anyone else and would likely love to break up your marriage. Why do you believe that he is going to stop pursuing your wife? Could you have seen him at the airport because he wanted you to see him? If your WW is not rock solid in her desire to be married and not disgusted with her behavior and this OM why won't he pop back up? Don't you think he has let your WW know that he is available as soon as she wants him?

I think you want this so badly to go away that you are sweeping this all under the floor never mind the rug. This is not going to end well for you my friend. I wish you luck but I think I know where this story ends.