SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you'd been married for a long time, I might give you different advice, but two year girlfriend, oh hell no. Why in the world would sign for all these problems right from the beginning.

I know deep down she has a good heart and does have love for me,...

Bro, you don't know that, you're wishing, and that don't make it true. You need to seriously step back and take another look.

Because I know once I tell them she cheated, they are going to say kick her out immediately and I just do not want to do that.

Assuming these are people that care about you, and you are refusing to even consider their guidance? I think they call that denial. You can't force a connection or affection, especially from the point you're at now.

Get you name off the car loan, like TODAY.

You have a chance to get out and back up. Don't go down this road of misery any further.

One of the truths I learned here on SI is you have be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

I would love to get my name of the LOAN but her credit isn't good enough to take it over.

Ok i should rephrase i know she did love me for sure. I mean she didnt acknowledge being in love with me anymore when i asked today. She just said she loves me as a person and always would. So i know with that her feelings changed.

She is good at playing victim always has been. She always felt as if i was out to get her for some reason. For instance i could never complain at about something or offer constructive criticism because she always felt i was coming down on her, when all i was doing was trying to teach.

So i know once i say i know shes cheated, she will deny it and say all the texts were nothing and she never stayed with him. If she does admit to it i know she will say shes done most likely. She did say during our talk the night after she cheated that she knows i would take the car and the roof over her kids heads and she would have no where to go if we broke up. Like she is stuck, but also said she would get enough money together to move out by January. In which i told her i did not want that to happen i wanted to work things out, she then said she wasnt saying it was over. CRAZY I KNOW...my mind is a mess and my heart shattered. I am not disagreeing with any of you, just stating what im feeling and thinking still.

With the best will in the world you can’t make someone love you. She is staying for financial reasons. That’s not fair to you. If you have the money to help her move GIVE it to her. Don’t lend it, give it. You need to move on with your life.

So sorry this has happened to you.

You need counseling. She is using you as a meal ticket and sleeps with another guy. So you have all the financial responsibilities for her and she is not even intimate with you.

She is a horrible person to do this but why shouldn’t she? If you put up with it she will keep doing it. She is a 26 year old mother of 2 sleeping on a dudes couch while dating and sleeping with another man. My guess is she is where she is because she makes poor life decisions. Yet, she is making better choices than you are right now.

I am sure people close to you would tell you the same thing. You need counseling to find out why you have so little value to yourself. You allowed a person to move in and use you and are afraid to correct the problem. Kick her ass out and let the new boyfriend pay her way. She doesn’t love you and it doesn’t seem that you even love yourself. When you stop making poor decisions life will improve. Best of luck to you.

I would love to get my name of the LOAN but her credit isn't good enough to take it over.

And for future reference, NEVER co-sign for a loan, even for your own mother. ( Okay, maybe for your mother...but that's it)

There's a very high chance still will quit making payments when you kick her out, and it will go on your credit. Sell the car and let her new boyfriend co-sign for another, talk to the bank and find out what she owes on it, etc. You need to handle that or it will come back to bite you. Have her refinance it in her name only, whatever you can figure out.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:31 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Why is she cheating?

Because she knows, as we can all see here, that you'll let her bc you don't want to rock the boat.

It seems you came here for advice on how to get her to stop with her boyfriend and to devote herself to you again.

Sorry, but that's not the kind of advice you'll receive here.

If you keep the status quo as is, expect more and more heartbreak.

5pointoh,

This is how I see it.

You guys met, fell in love, moved in together. Maybe she was a bit of a damsel in distress, no money, two kids, victimized by her old boyfriend? and you were the knight in shining armor?

Then for one reason or another, the feeling went away. Maybe more her than you. Maybe that part was your fault, maybe not, but that’s not important, those things happen

At this point, a decent woman would have left you or would have said, we fix it or I leave.

But this was not her choice. She decided to find love elsewhere and keep the benefits. Appartement, babysitter etc... She loves you as a person (the provider) but she’s in love with someone else. This is where all your newfound SI friends come along and tell you the same thing.

She is not in love with you anymore. It doesn’t matter if you still love her, she found another KISA.

My advice is the same as everybody else: move on.

Bonus advice : also learn to stop being a KISA.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:34 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Like my mind is telling me to let go move on for all the reasons that everyone has mentioned. That she cheated and still is by talking to him everyday all day. My heart on the other hand for some reason won’t let go of the fact. I keep reading everyone’s comments to make it sink in more to realize I need to let go but it’s still so hard. I wish it wasn’t, I guess I’m hoping by chance she will come back and we can be happy together again as I know deep down I’d never not show her love and appreciation again. I know I sound stupid but this empty pit in my stomach in which I can never eat now and heartache feeling just will not go away. I know I need to confront her to get better closure as well. But I want to do it when I’m no longer feeling vulnerable as I am now. I need to rid this empty pit in my stomach and heartbreak feel.

Run for the hills as fast as you can now !!! don't look back.

You have only invested 2 years in her and you are not married. She is telling you who she is; BELIEVE HER!

I blame myself a lot with good reason for making her feel the way she does now,

This has nothing to do with her betrayal.

She is simply using the lull in affection/attention as an excuse to act on her insecurities and lack of self validation.

I’m sure at some point she was not 100% affectionate with you.

That would NOT give you any excuse to betray her.

Relationships go through ups and downs and the downs are not an excuse to stab someone in the back.

She basically said that she loves me as a person and always will but doesn’t know how to accept my apologies in fear of being hurt again.

What a pile of steaming horseshit this is - I think I’m going to heave.

This is pretty much a confirmation that you are being used for your financial support for her and her children.

This is the essence of being strung along.

From Butforthegrace:

You ignore her for months as she pleads for intimacy. She turns to another man. What a surprise.

I hope his intent here is not to imply that you caused her to “turn to another man” because that is absolutely false.

Her betrayal is not because of anything you did or did not do nor because of anything you said or did not say.

My ex-wife was denying me attention, affection, and sex while providing all that to some guy as well as being incredibly financially destructive to our family.

I didn’t “turn to another woman” because of all that - I divorced her ass.

Look, stop with this self-blaming bullshit.

Your girlfriend’s reasons for doing this exist only within her and existed within her long before you ever knew her.

She just thinks she has an excuse and someone to blame in order to act on it.

This one is cut and dry.

You are not married, no children together, no major assets apparently, and you are still young.

She is emotionally abusing you as well as financially taking advantage of you.

Put and end to this unnecessary suffering and end this farce.

You do not deserve to be treated like this and you need to work on yourself to find out why you would be so tolerant of it.

You have received some very good advice so far.

Let your anger come out and be assertive in your desire to get yourself out of her world of infidelity and her abuse.

Keep reading and keep posting.

Keptmyword you said pretty much what my dad said when he called no to long ago about it. She grabbed some of her things and left today. She did not give give a time frame. She jus said the kids are going back with their dads until she can get back on her feet living with her cousin. Left me the 2 dogs as they are hers not mine. We were supposed to go on Christmas vacation of course to my dads 10 hours away for a few days so she said she would take the dogs then until I returned. So that told me her intent is for quite a while. She said she needed to see if she would miss me and to try and love herself again.?.

I confronted her last night about what I knew about her cheating by texting the guy she works with all day and also knowing she stayed overnight at his house. She of course thought I was crazy, rolled her eyes and said omg he’s married with a baby on the way and I talk to him because he is one of the managers to I work with. I said but look how it looks, text all day and night to each other...at no place of employment would you need to be texting your coworker that many times for anything unless it was because you two are interested in one another. She said he’s just a friend to everyone. Oh I bet he is! Anyways it was just a load of bs and she denied it all as expected.

But my dad pretty much said the same, don’t let her walk all over you. Do not reach out to her or respond if she does to you. Because really she hardly responds to mine now. He said wait 7 days without saying nothing and if she hasn’t said anything about working it out or confessing to tell her she now has 30 days to come get all of her shit and get the dogs now and even get the car if I want to. Not to let her use me as a storage depot and not pay insurance on a vehicle for her to drive and do what the hell she wants which includes talking to and seeing him. He said blank that.

He said to take control of the situation and demand it not the other way around. Said I don’t have nothing to lose while she has everything to lose, her kids to the dads, a house paid full in bills, a vehicle and dogs well kept care of. That I’m a grown ass man and have a very good job, house, vehicle, etc that I had it before her and will have it after her. That all I’m losing is the company but was the company worth all of her baggage she brought in. He said that I had to sacrifice a lot while she had everything to gain by moving in with her kids. He pretty much said a lot we talked for an hour and it definitely sank it even more.

Father Knows Best. 😎 (sorry, I can’t help it!)

So that told me her intent is for quite a while. She said she needed to see if she would miss me and to try and love herself again.?.

Seperation is ALMOST NEVER to find the problems with the primary relationship, it is to free the wayward up (unemcumbered) to continue the A. Brother she has done you a great favor! Tell her you’re going to your dad’s early, come p/u the animals, then refuse to allow them back.

He said to take control of the situation and demand it not the other way around.

WISE words, PLEASE listen to your dad.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:24 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

Listen you don't have to wait on her to make any decisions, YOU CAN DECIDE to NOT ALLOW HER BACK in YOUR HOUSE, please get rid of this cheater and tell her she has 24 hours to pick up her dogs, btw the separation is to test drive OM, RUN NOW and save yourself from more heartbreak 5 years from now and a few children later, she's simply not wife material.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:48 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

First of all, I'm dreadfully, dreadfully sorry that you have to join our little club of sad sacks trying to make sense of their lives in the aftermath of a loved, trusted person betraying us in the worst possible way short of shotgunning us in our sleep. Thank your lucky stars that you're not married to this woman, because that's an entirely new layer of bullshit to throw on top of the shit sundae you've been served.

Second, you're stuck in the emotional part. Up is down, black is white, you still love her but you're so upset, and being depressed only makes it worse. I was stuck in a depression for the majority of the year, so I know the self-blame and the low self esteem and all that added stuff that comes along with the low self esteem and self-blame you will *already feel* when you're betrayed like this. It really does tear you up. I'm sorry, man. Please, keep talking to your support system and getting the help you need to work through this. It really, truly does get better, even if nobody cares to hear that this early on in the process.

Third, she's gone. She's not only a cheater, but she's a USER and a cheater. Just because you might not have been fully engaged in the relationship doesn't make it right for her to keep sucking your dry financially while screwing around with some coworker. Even if you want to make it work, which I'm sure most of us wanted even with this giant betrayal hanging over our heads, the relationship is forever destroyed. There is a very tiny percent of ANGELS on this forum who stuck it out with their cheater even though it killed them inside, and some portion of them were lucky enough to have landed a spouse who found the light and shaped up and they lived happily ever after. This is a rarity, however, and I personally wouldn't bother because you know that this person is bad *with you*, so why try to force something that is proven to fail? And yours in particular sounds like a narcissist...

Which brings me to my last point. You pay for this woman's stuff. She cheats on you anyway. She wants to take a break to bang this dude without you in her way. She's stringing you along. "Narcissist" gets thrown around a lot, and I happen to be one whose wife was at least on that spectrum to some degree, but yours sounds kind of like mine: use, use, use, deflect, deflect, deflect. Now, a lot of human beings default to this when caught with their hand in the cookie jar, but come on...she gets a free ride with you and continues to treat you with no respect whatsoever. You'll see in time just how poisonous she is once you've gotten free from her clutches and haven't spoken to her in several weeks. Your own fog will lift and you'll see that it sucked, which explains why you were so depressed. That she's shitty, or at the very least you're shitty together. Don't force a square peg through a round hole.

Please man, RUN AWAY like everyone else saying to do so. Some people can come back from stuff like this, but you're not even married and you're dealing with it. This does not bode well.

Phone his wife and tell her everything.

Well I do know the wife’s brother through meeting my ex so I think today I am going to try and get in touch with him and show him everything of what has been going on. I can show that she was at his house with a gps screenshot and all of the messages back and forth and calls on Verizon through the day everyday. I am still sick as ever to my stomach but I know I can’t let her ass get away this nor him. The wife does need to know. Hopefully it’s her house he lives in with so he can get kicked out himself.

The only part I still have a hard time with is if i did truly give 100% showing the love and attention as she was begging for, for the longest time that I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now. I agree with everyone, that gave her no reason to cheat, it’s not an excuse for her, but I guess I still fight with the notion well we’d still be happy with no problems if I was that guy she asked for all along ya know.

I checked the message logs today on Verizon and she is still messaging him like crazy and calling out to him. This is my first full day I have ever had with no contact. I am doing my best not to reach out to her at all. I doubt she will ever miss me thou because her attention is solely based on him.

One thing I do want to tell her thou is how big of a mistake she is making . That if this married guy is cheating with you what does that say about him? Who knows who else he is talking to. Is that the beep guy you really want to be with? That and you are mixing business with pleasure and she always said she agreed on never dating someone she worked with and now look at her. Idk if I do reach out that’s is what it will be. Letting her know she really has the problem not me, I was the guy that opened up my home to her , her two kids, and 2 dogs and I don’t even like having pets. One of her kids has adhd and I took that on with her it was a struggle everyday. I want to point out you think another man is going to be so open arms for you and love you the way I did? This is anger speaking now and not so much sadness. I really want to text and let her know this but I know it’s prolly better off keeping no contact whatsoever and getting in touch with the wife’s brother and let them know the infidelity that’s taking place.

I think you have a bigger problem than your cheating gf.

You know exactly what's going on but are letting her walk all over you.

You have no commitment to her and she's shown you who she is. Her time away is to spend more time banging her other man.

Inform his wife and move on from this touch person. The only one keeping yourself in this is you.